To post or not to post and how to be myself

[Outcast]

Hi. I just want to seek some advice. Well, there are other forums that i am a member of. I joined some of these forums because they are about things i'm interested in. In one of these forums, i used to respond and post a lot. I'm not sure why, but i found myself just liking some of the threads there and posting. But i noticed that most of the regular guys there don't post that much, and i felt like i was just posting quite a lot that seemed to make me stick out like a sore thumb. Well, that's what i was feeling. So i was really uncomfortable posting and speaking my mind there. I was unsure whether i should continue posting the way i did. It made me question myself, why was i doing this? Am i really being myself? Or am i trying too hard to please everyone there? It just seemed i was being too friendly with almost everyone there. One day, i joined a number of people in requesting something from someone there. When my request was ignored and i found out i was the only one who was ignored. I felt really sad and lost a lot of my enthusiasm quickly. I later decided to lie low for a while and hadn't been posting there since. I did make use of another username to post there once or twice again.

Do you guys think i should post there again using my old username? I'm just unsure of what they may think of me if i did go back there. They would probably think i'm strange and weird. Or maybe you guys would think the same. I dunno. I'm just not sure i'm really being myself. Normally, i'm not one to talk a lot or respond to so many people. But maybe it just feels safer when i just post and take my time to express my thoughts.

Anyways, I know i don't post much here either but thanks for taking the time to read this. Any advice would be great though.

[Outcast]

Upon further reflection and internet searching. I think deep inside, i may have this people pleaser personality going on.

It may explain why i sometimes had this guilty feeling when i tried limiting my posts due to the fact that i felt i was posting too much compared to other people there. I also have seem to have trouble saying "no" to people. And sometimes feel people are taking advantage of me.

[Zoe]

Hi Outcast

I'm not sure whether what I'm writing is good advice at all but i see alot of myself in you and i just wanted to let you know that you have the right to voice any opinions and ideas as much as any other person on any forum that you go to. There was a time on here that i got really self conscious - It was the Audio/Video recording one because i was the only one posting up videos (during that time). I kept going because well i just wanted to share my thoughts. I realise if people have problem with it, all they have to do is not respond and if they do have a problem with it, I'm happy to hear what they have to say.....it could be constructive criticism or just complete nonsense (which if it is then i'm not going to stop what i enjoy because the other person doesn't feel the same way) I'm still learning there will be people out there that will support and interact with you and there are others that won't or does something even worse. (i don't mean here of course.....its the board games meet up group that i recently tried out that i'm talking about)
It took me over 12 years to get to this point so please take your time and feel your way through to find what is best for you.

If you enjoy talking about something, go for it. I know one thing is for sure, you are always welcomed here to talk about anything you want. Sorry to do this to you but *BIG HUGS*

[Outcast]

Sept 11, 2013 7:11:38 GMT -5 Zoe said:

Hi Outcast

I'm not sure whether what I'm writing is good advice at all but i see alot of myself in you and i just wanted to let you know that you have the right to voice any opinions and ideas as much as any other person on any forum that you go to. There was a time on here that i got really self conscious - It was the Audio/Video recording one because i was the only one posting up videos (during that time). I kept going because well i just wanted to share my thoughts. I realise if people have problem with it, all they have to do is not respond and if they do have a problem with it, I'm happy to hear what they have to say.....it could be constructive criticism or just complete nonsense (which if it is then i'm not going to stop what i enjoy because the other person doesn't feel the same way) I'm still learning there will be people out there that will support and interact with you and there are others that won't or does something even worse. (i don't mean here of course.....its the board games meet up group that i recently tried out that i'm talking about)
It took me over 12 years to get to this point so please take your time and feel your way through to find what is best for you.

If you enjoy talking about something, go for it. I know one thing is for sure, you are always welcomed here to talk about anything you want. Sorry to do this to you but *BIG HUGS*

Thanks for the advice and for sharing you're experiences Zoe. It made me realize that i was being too self conscious again. I wish i knew how others do it. Not caring what people think.

Sometimes people can be just so intimidating. In a recent forum i joined, people there were almost always arguing with each and fighting over silly things. They were senior members there that were just hostile to some members, being mean and making fun of them. It's pretty easy to see them as cyber bullies. As i was new there, i tried to make them see that what some of them are doing is wrong. I tried to let them see both sides so they can understand each other and if possibly not fight amongst themselves. I would like to say i was successful even in the smallest of ways. Still, there are times that some of the same complaints would resurface again. That was the first forum, that i've seen people act with such hostility. Thankfully, it's a lot calmer now. But i guess i'm just too naive in expecting all people would be nice.

Being ignored is another thing that i need to get over. It makes me feel unwelcomed, really uneasy, and discouraged. Sometimes when i wanted to liven things up, i would start a happy birthday thread. But then when only 1 or 2 members replied with greetings and well wishes, i couldn't help becoming discouraged again. Even when i tried to be positive, and kept doing it. It just made me look like i was the only one starting these kind of threads. Which would then make me feel self conscious even more. Made me question again as to why i'm doing it in the first place. I'm not one to do these kinds of things. It's felt strange that i wanted to do it. All i can think of was maybe i wanted things to be more friendly there.

I don't think i was really trying to please everyone there. I think i was being honest enough in all my intentions(to help), make useful comments/critiques, and give compliments there. I even felt i was speaking my mind too much really. To the point that i think it may have been obvious that i liked some people's work better than others. I can't help but feel that maybe that's why that other guy ignored my request. I just rubbed him the wrong way. That just affected me really as it wasn't my intention to be mean or make light of his work. I get really too self conscious when i post too much. Especially when i'm the only one that seems to be doing it. So sometimes, i don't get to comment on all the threads and i would feel guilty.

That was another good reason for me to stop posting. So no one will feel left out. But once you've started lurking, the longer you continue doing it, the harder it is to come back out again. Well that's how i feel about it.

I don't know if i still have what it takes to ignore all my self conscious thinking, doubts and insecurities. So i'm still contemplating/debating on whether i should post in the other forum again.

Thanks for the advice and encouragement Zoe. I really don't see why you need to apologize for the "BIG HUGS". I think it's a very friendly gesture and i appreciate it. Thanks for that too.

[Sweet Pea]

Sept 11, 2013 9:10:54 GMT -5 Outcast said:

Sept 11, 2013 7:11:38 GMT -5 Zoe said:

Hi Outcast

I'm not sure whether what I'm writing is good advice at all but i see alot of myself in you and i just wanted to let you know that you have the right to voice any opinions and ideas as much as any other person on any forum that you go to. There was a time on here that i got really self conscious - It was the Audio/Video recording one because i was the only one posting up videos (during that time). I kept going because well i just wanted to share my thoughts. I realise if people have problem with it, all they have to do is not respond and if they do have a problem with it, I'm happy to hear what they have to say.....it could be constructive criticism or just complete nonsense (which if it is then i'm not going to stop what i enjoy because the other person doesn't feel the same way) I'm still learning there will be people out there that will support and interact with you and there are others that won't or does something even worse. (i don't mean here of course.....its the board games meet up group that i recently tried out that i'm talking about)
It took me over 12 years to get to this point so please take your time and feel your way through to find what is best for you.

If you enjoy talking about something, go for it. I know one thing is for sure, you are always welcomed here to talk about anything you want. Sorry to do this to you but *BIG HUGS*

Thanks for the advice and for sharing you're experiences Zoe. It made me realize that i was being too self conscious again. I wish i knew how others do it. Not caring what people think.

Sometimes people can be just so intimidating. In a recent forum i joined, people there were almost always arguing with each and fighting over silly things. They were senior members there that were just hostile to some members, being mean and making fun of them. It's pretty easy to see them as cyber bullies. As i was new there, i tried to make them see that what some of them are doing is wrong. I tried to let them see both sides so they can understand each other and if possibly not fight amongst themselves. I would like to say i was successful even in the smallest of ways. Still, there are times that some of the same complaints would resurface again. That was the first forum, that i've seen people act with such hostility. Thankfully, it's a lot calmer now. But i guess i'm just too naive in expecting all people would be nice.

Being ignored is another thing that i need to get over. It makes me feel unwelcomed, really uneasy, and discouraged. Sometimes when i wanted to liven things up, i would start a happy birthday thread. But then when only 1 or 2 members replied with greetings and well wishes, i couldn't help becoming discouraged again. Even when i tried to be positive, and kept doing it. It just made me look like i was the only one starting these kind of threads. Which would then make me feel self conscious even more. Made me question again as to why i'm doing it in the first place. I'm not one to do these kinds of things. It's felt strange that i wanted to do it. All i can think of was maybe i wanted things to be more friendly there.

I don't think i was really trying to please everyone there. I think i was being honest enough in all my intentions(to help), make useful comments/critiques, and give compliments there. I even felt i was speaking my mind too much really. To the point that i think it may have been obvious that i liked some people's work better than others. I can't help but feel that maybe that's why that other guy ignored my request. I just rubbed him the wrong way. That just affected me really as it wasn't my intention to be mean or make light of his work. I get really too self conscious when i post too much. Especially when i'm the only one that seems to be doing it. So sometimes, i don't get to comment on all the threads and i would feel guilty.

That was another good reason for me to stop posting. So no one will feel left out. But once you've started lurking, the longer you continue doing it, the harder it is to come back out again. Well that's how i feel about it.

I don't know if i still have what it takes to ignore all my self conscious thinking, doubts and insecurities. So i'm still contemplating/debating on whether i should post in the other forum again.

Thanks for the advice and encouragement Zoe. I really don't see why you need to apologize for the "BIG HUGS". I think it's a very friendly gesture and i appreciate it. Thanks for that too.

when it comes to forums, you're not always being ignored. sometimes people have other things going on in their lives and don't have a lot of time. sometimes people wait to see what other people will say before responding, and the opportunity passes. sometimes they aren't sure what to say, so they say nothing - but that doesn't mean they're not interested in you or ignoring you. keep posting!

[Outcast]

Sept 12, 2013 12:22:27 GMT -5 Sweet Pea said:

when it comes to forums, you're not always being ignored. sometimes people have other things going on in their lives and don't have a lot of time. sometimes people wait to see what other people will say before responding, and the opportunity passes. sometimes they aren't sure what to say, so they say nothing - but that doesn't mean they're not interested in you or ignoring you. keep posting!

Hi Sweet Pea. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and advice on the matter. Yeah, i should probably understand that those kind of things happen since i sometimes do have those same kinds of reasons for not being able to post or reply. Thanks for the encouraging me to keep posting as well.

I did however took the plunge on posting again in the other forum using my old username. Because i wanted to try speaking my mind again, I ended up posting/replying on more than one thread there. I think some of my posts were appreciated and one even quoted my post and agreed to it. Still, i worry that some members there will be shocked that i suddenly began posting there again after a long period of absence.

While on the other forum with the cyber bullies, i often find myself disagreeing with some of the members there (who i think just like to complain, belittle, make fun of other members  disagreeing with them) It's so intimidating. I don't want to wake up the next morning to read a reply from one of them that belittles and puts you down. It really boils me up. And i sometimes find myself wanting to challenge them, but i really don't want any conflict.

[Sweet Pea]

Sept 13, 2013 9:19:28 GMT -5 Outcast said:

Sept 12, 2013 12:22:27 GMT -5 Sweet Pea said:

when it comes to forums, you're not always being ignored. sometimes people have other things going on in their lives and don't have a lot of time. sometimes people wait to see what other people will say before responding, and the opportunity passes. sometimes they aren't sure what to say, so they say nothing - but that doesn't mean they're not interested in you or ignoring you. keep posting!

Hi Sweet Pea. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and advice on the matter. Yeah, i should probably understand that those kind of things happen since i sometimes do have those same kinds of reasons for not being able to post or reply. Thanks for the encouraging me to keep posting as well.

I did however took the plunge on posting again in the other forum using my old username. Because i wanted to try speaking my mind again, I ended up posting/replying on more than one thread there. I think some of my posts were appreciated and one even quoted my post and agreed to it. Still, i worry that some members there will be shocked that i suddenly began posting there again after a long period of absence.

While on the other forum with the cyber bullies, i often find myself disagreeing with some of the members there (who i think just like to complain, belittle, make fun of other members  disagreeing with them) It's so intimidating. I don't want to wake up the next morning to read a reply from one of them that belittles and puts you down. It really boils me up. And i sometimes find myself wanting to challenge them, but i really don't want any conflict.

i understand not enjoying conflict. myself, i decided to go the leather route. by that i mean that i exposed myself to such crude treatment until i toughened up, got a thicker skin, and basically became immune to it. now it truly doesn't bother me and i put the responsibility for it on the people who do it instead of on myself. things that used to really burn me up now just make me laugh at how silly people can be.

[Outcast]

Sept 15, 2013 22:51:03 GMT -5 Sweet Pea said:

Sept 13, 2013 9:19:28 GMT -5 Outcast said:

While on the other forum with the cyber bullies, i often find myself disagreeing with some of the members there (who i think just like to complain, belittle, make fun of other members  disagreeing with them) It's so intimidating. I don't want to wake up the next morning to read a reply from one of them that belittles and puts you down. It really boils me up. And i sometimes find myself wanting to challenge them, but i really don't want any conflict.

i understand not enjoying conflict. myself, i decided to go the leather route. by that i mean that i exposed myself to such crude treatment until i toughened up, got a thicker skin, and basically became immune to it. now it truly doesn't bother me and i put the responsibility for it on the people who do it instead of on myself. things that used to really burn me up now just make me laugh at how silly people can be.

Well, i'm not really sure if i can toughen up and get a thicker skin like you did. I can only imagine it making me more withdrawn. Because by then, i'd probably think/assume that everyone will treat me the same way. I was never really good at handling stress or pressure. I usually tend to prefer avoiding them in general, because i believe they can negatively affect your health in the long run.

Currently though, my approach to these kinds of situations consists of trying to understand the other person's side and remembering the fact that i'm not perfect either. So far, i think it has been quite helpful.

[Outcast]

I guess i'm really not used to these people who always seems to be angry and have something to complain about. Sometimes i think they are just trolling or something. Wasn't really familiar with the internet slang/term "troll". But since looking it up, these cyber bullies seem to fit the bill. I dunno. I can't help but roll my eyes when they often post something.

Maybe they just have lesser inhibitions when it comes to posting stuff in the internet like i sometimes do/feel. But they just seem too unfriendly and hostile to me.

In trying to understand this, i found this site that somehow explains why people sometimes do these kinds of things.

www.theguardian.com/technology/2011/jul/24/internet-anonymity-trolling-tim-adams

I'm not sure if i'll develop a thicker skin from all this. But it does get tiring to see these kinds of posts over and over.

[Crashtastic]

I say write whatever you want to. If someone doesn't like it, it may cause some twinges, but really other's peoples opinions are their own. Everyone sees things differently and the best way to find like-minded people...the one's you belong to is to be yourself. It takes an exhausting amount of effort to try and please other people and fit into what everyone thinks you should be and say...it's impossible. Say what you want and there will be people who will have you as you are. I personally still get a bit hurt when someone doesn't like me for one reason or another, but it's not like I haven't survived hurt before. Plow through it until you find what you're looking for. Do what's best for yourself, because without yourself you've got nothing.

[Outcast]

Feb 15, 2014 14:02:49 GMT -5 Crashtastic said:

I say write whatever you want to. If someone doesn't like it, it may cause some twinges, but really other's peoples opinions are their own. Everyone sees things differently and the best way to find like-minded people...the one's you belong to is to be yourself. It takes an exhausting amount of effort to try and please other people and fit into what everyone thinks you should be and say...it's impossible. Say what you want and there will be people who will have you as you are. I personally still get a bit hurt when someone doesn't like me for one reason or another, but it's not like I haven't survived hurt before. Plow through it until you find what you're looking for. Do what's best for yourself, because without yourself you've got nothing.

I think that's a great way to go about it. I definitely agree with you 100%.
Expressing my feelings is a weakness of mine, but i know i have/need to do this more often to improve myself.

But sometimes there are just people out there who i think are biased, argumentative and aren't really out there/online to make friends. It's one thing to dislike a person or disagree with them. It's another thing to ridicule (make fun of) him/her for having a different opinion. And when you're in the minority, it just seems that these people are ganging up on you...with insults. It's hard to really ignore and kept bottled up inside.

Then there are other times, when you just feel like keeping to yourself. And when this goes on long enough, it's hard to get back out there again. Like you've become a stranger to them once again.

Posting, writing, texting seems easier for me rather than being out there up close and personal. I have to gather my thoughts and express them clearly. In person, i would feel like just a klutz with words , talking and socializing. Sometimes i find myself just at a lost with words or what to say or do even. So sometimes i wonder if i'm the same person while writing compared to someone who's a klutz in person.

[Astroruss]

It's normal to make mistakes when speaking out around people, or to a group, like these internet forums.

And yes, writing out what you say is different than speaking whatever occurs to your mind to say at any given moment. It takes a little bit of time for your mind to process your thoughts while your typing them out on paper or in electronic format. Like the way I'm doing now, It's taking me a few minutes to think and type this, and my mind is whirling around different ideas to post about your own posts.

And it's okay to be your regular klutzy self, especially online. Think of posting online as practice for ordering your thoughts for speaking in person for real.

[reprap]

I am going to recommend reading a book. I have read a lot of things in regards to being shy, dating meeting women and the like. It is all about getting over my being shy. The book I recommend that you read is called. No More Mr. Nice Guy. It is a really good read and it will address some of the issues you have stated.

[Blueflower]

Feb 15, 2014 14:02:49 GMT -5 Crashtastic said:

I say write whatever you want to. If someone doesn't like it, it may cause some twinges, but really other's peoples opinions are their own. Everyone sees things differently and the best way to find like-minded people...the one's you belong to is to be yourself. It takes an exhausting amount of effort to try and please other people and fit into what everyone thinks you should be and say...it's impossible. Say what you want and there will be people who will have you as you are. I personally still get a bit hurt when someone doesn't like me for one reason or another, but it's not like I haven't survived hurt before. Plow through it until you find what you're looking for. Do what's best for yourself, because without yourself you've got nothing.

I agree with this one fully! Just be yourself. It takes too much energy for trying be someone else that you are not. You deserve people who like you for being YOU and no one else.

[Outcast]

Sorry for the late reply. I really appreciate the advices and comments. It's just that sometimes i do find it difficult to think of "good" response. Different kinds of replies enter my mind, but then i hesitate, put it off (usually because it takes me a considerable amount of time just to write/think of one) , then i worry about not being able to give a reply.

I worry about a lot of things. And tend to think twice before doing something. Do you guys think that being spontaneous would be one way of being yourself? I do try to do that sometimes too. But i often end up worrying and regretting what i did. Being more ashamed of myself and just wanting to hide.

Reprap, funny that you mentioned that book about "No more Mr. Nice Guy". Sometimes i also think that maybe it would be better if don't try to be a nice guy. If people didn't like me from the start, then i would have nothing to lose or worry about.

I think i also have problems with decision making. Sometimes i just can't decide and usually seek help from others to decide what to do. Not being able to make up my mind...

I really just wish i knew how not to care about what people think. Here's what i've found so far.

link
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link4
link5

Often times i get confused as how to act/be myself around people. Because normally, i just spend most of my time alone. I seldom even talk to my relatives. If i were to be myself, i think i would just ignore other people, spending most of my time alone.

There's my normal quiet self, but there are also parts of me that i wan't to change and improve. I guess i just have to make it clear to myself who i really am and who i really want to be.

I think i must also be alert and aware, when this fear of what others would think starts controlling my actions too. So whenever i catch myself overly concerned with this, i should just do the opposite and just do it? Rather than hide?

What do you normally say to yourself when you are faced with this fear? Right now, what has worked for me so far is quietly saying to myself " It's ok. It's ok for others to hate you. You can't please everyone anyways." Though there are times that this just isn't enough.