Ramblings on my current dating situation

[crimeclub]

My last legit relationship was about 3 years ago. She and I dated about 3 years and it became apparent that we just weren't right for each other. I was pretty excited to get out of that relationship and use all that dating experience I had and completely rock the dating world! Cut to 2 and a half years later - no dates. Not one. Why? Because I'm a total pussy. Approaching a girl I find attractive is completely unthinkable. I've been doing a little better with it lately though, I've found that online dating just works for me, but you can bet your ass I need to drop a xanax right before a date to function. If I don't take a xan before, it's literally not possible, the anxiety will build up and become so paralyzing I will cancel last minute without fail. All my dates have been with girls who are a little on the shy side, I'm just attracted to shy girls. Even if I'm not physically attracted to a girl who's really shy I still regard her more fondly than otherwise. I don't think I like shy girls because they're easier to "keep up with" as I've been told before, my ex girlfriend was way outgoing and I was always comfortable and able to keep up. There's just something about a shy girl that completely melts my heart. Anytime I'm with a girl who isn't, I'm always thinking in the back of my head "When am I going to find that cute, nice, shy girl?" I can't tell if that's basically me back in 4th grade thinking "Oh this kid doesn't like the same kind of music as me? Well we can't be friends then." I really can't tell if my attraction to shyness is trivial or if it's something that I need to take seriously. I've never had a real relationship with a shy girl, so there's a good chance that I'm putting that attribute up on a pedestal. However, I recently went out on a few dates with a girl who was right up my alley, she was pretty much my dream girl and I was practically thinking about what color napkins we'd have at our wedding by the third date. Not really, but damn I was into her. We were compatible in a lot of ways, and one thing that I especially liked about her was she was the perfect mixture of shy but still fun. She could have been the same girl, super cute, playful and fun, and down to earth, but if she weren't shy, I really wouldn't have thought too much about her, but the fact that she was those things and also very shy completely captivated me every time I was with her.

Anyway, for those of you that actually read this whole thing, do you have any thoughts on this, would you say my attraction to a girl who's shy is a legitimate factor to consider, or is it just a fleeting initial infatuation that won't have much of an effect on a long-term relationship? I know the answer is that I just need to find a cute, nice, shy girl and date her to see for myself, but I was curious if anyone else feels the same and has any experience with this issue, because I've noticed that I pass up on some otherwise decent girls specifically because they aren't shy at all.

[CharlotteGirl]

I can't really help sorry except saying you should just go for it if it seems right. Some other people could probably offer more advice, perhaps they will post. You'd probably get more and quicker replies though, on one of the other large/busy shyness forums because it's not dead but now usually very quiet here.

[crimeclub]

Thanks for the reply. When you say go to the other forums do you mean go to the "General" forum, or is there a whole different message board that you're talking about. I have noticed that this place died down a little since I last stopped by.

[CharlotteGirl]

I meant totally different message boards. Social Anxiety Support is good, don't know about Social Phobia World.

[Crashtastic]

I think it is a legitimate preference. I've always been attracted to men who are on the more reserved side. So, what happened with the shy girl that you were dating?

[crimeclub]

There were just a couple deal breakers that came up, the main thing was she had no desire to have and raise children. I've let a relationship continue while knowing there are red flags like that, but no matter how long you're together a deal breaker will remain a deal breaker. I'm pretty bummed about it, I keep getting so close to texting her because I've never had that kind of personality connection with someone and I miss it, but that wouldn't be fair to her if I know I can't get serious with her.

[Crashtastic]

Ah, I know what you mean. It's hard to accept that there isn't anyway around those pesky deal breakers. I had a similar experience, recently. I really liked the guy. Smart, thoughtful, creative,...didn't like crowds of people. I was smitten. But he didn't want kids and he lived like an hour and a half away. Ugh, I just found out he is in a relationship with someone now and I was bummed, but its for the best.

I think that if you keep at the dating you will find another girl you are interested in...even a shy one. The internet is probably the best place to find them. I'm shy and have a hell of a time initiating dates in my everyday life, but I don't have any problem finding them on the net. So yeah, I'd keep at it.

[crimeclub]

Nov 8, 2013 20:44:13 GMT -5 Crashtastic said:

...didn't like crowds of people. I was smitten.

Haha

Online dating is the only way I can meet girls and have a chance at anything substantial, if I'm left to my own devices out in public I'll just **** it up, finding people to date out in public is just ridiculous. But doing it online it's so much better knowing what you're getting yourself into upfront as far as your date, and also it affords me the ability to not have to talk in person for the initial "getting to know eachother" part, and after a few days of getting a feel for who she is through text then I have no problem at all meeting up in person.

[morrowrd]

You and I have a lot in common when it comes to being attracted to shy girls. I find shy girls tend to be sweet, tender, more sincere, and honestly that to me is all part of the attraction. Being pretty is also an obvious plus. I also found the dating websites to be a godsend, especially for non-social myself. I struck gold there, okcupid to be exact. A cute blonde girl who was about 20 years youngers, really pretty, VERY shy, and I managed to get her to instant message me for awhile. Luck had a lot to do with meeting her because she had only just created a profile and I was one of the first to contact her. I talked her into going out with me, and took her to dinner and bowling afterwards. I went on a few more dates, met her family...which was humorous because I was the same age as her mom, (who was very skeptical of me, at first), before I asked her if she'd like to be my girlfriend. (which she agreed to) Fast forward to the present, she moved into my home 2 1/2 years ago, and I have never had such bliss in my entire life. I adore her, and her nickname is "shyness."

The moral of the story, keep looking for that shygirl. They are worth all the time it takes to find them, and get them all to yourself.

[crimeclub]

Awesome thanks for the story, congrats on finding that dream girl And wow 20 years younger?? I guess compatibility will effect a relationship more than age when it comes down to it.

[morrowrd]

Compatibility is key, I agree. I went on a bunch of dates after my divorce 3 1/2 years ago. Like I mentioned, those dating sites were damn helpful, I am very private and non-social. I go to work, I come home, I putter around on my property which includes two ponds and four trails. Gardens, birdfeeders and houses. My son and ex wife call it "Ron's Woods" out there since most of the trees I planted 25 years ago when I bought this place, and they are now all over 30' tall. The marriage went for 23 years, very toxic, and she cheated and left me with everything. I came out of that divorce in such good shape, it's not funny. I kept all the land, the house, my retirement untouched, my 15 year old son stayed....he's 19 now. I've told him he can die of old age here if he chooses.

Anyway, I ventured into the dating world via those sites. And went a little crazy for awhile, and got burned out. A lot of crazies out there, and that's a story in itself. This girl "shyness" was in her late 20's while I was mid-40's. Her profile specifically said she was interested in men up to 35, but I messaged her anyway. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. On the date, I wondered if she lied about her age because she didn't really even look old enough to by alcohol, and her voice sounded childlike. Yet, talking to her, I was impressed at all the life goals she had, and how she was going about to achieve them. She had 2 young children, and had been married to an abuser, yet she didn't appear broken. Most of the girls I dated were in their mid-30'a OR early 40's and all still were very much into partying, and enjoying male attention. While we were together on our first date, at the bowling part, two guys kept trying to get her attention, (in a so called non-threatening way), trying to coach her bowling style. I was impressed at how she dismissed them, yet in such a way they didn't realize they were being dismissed. When I asked her about it much later, she said it would have been disrespectful to me to give them any attention. Not bad for a shy girl.... She had old-fashioned values, and I am very old fashioned myself.

The main thing she had to adapt to compatibilitywise, would be that I am very set in my ways. My life systems, routines, non-social ways, are unchanging. The upside to all this, is I tend to enjoy a great amount of security. Financial and otherwise...something she has never had in her life, even from childhood. Currently, she doesn't even need to work, just stays home and takes care of the puppy, or her children once the bus drops them off from school. She is very very smart, and has helped me reform my financial system to the point it is the most efficient it has ever been, in my adult life. She is very affectionate, loves holding hands, sitting on my lap, kissing, writing love notes and emails. I get texts constantly from her..and I never really texted much until I got into this relationship. I have a social life now handed to me thanks to her huge family. The parents love me, even though we all went to school together, and tell her I'm the best boyfriend she's ever had.

Getting used to young children again, probably has been the biggest thing for me to get used to. They are boys, and tend to fight a lot and are loud. My son and I are used to a quiet home, so this was a bit hard. Although I have learned to like having them around, have had many deep talks with both boys about life in general. Helped with some problem solving at school and peers. She just gained custody of her ex husbands daughter too...so now there are three young children. The girl is having trouble with lying a lot, so that's been tough, but we're working though it.

I have to say, this part of my life I have dubbed the golden era, because I have never enjoyed such bliss, intimacy, and closeness. I adore her, and I treat her very well. And the shyness is so charming to me, to see her blushing when I tell her she's pretty, or some other compliment.

Anyway, good luck. There are more shy girls out there, just have to find them. Leave no stone unturned.