So...i know this girl...

[Outcast]

So i know this girl. She and I were introduced to each other by an old acquaintance of mine. We seldom really talk to each other. We do occassionally meet on some holidays, when i don't have to go to work. She helps run a small shop with her family, so she only has time to go out during her lunch breaks. On those rare occassions, i would treat her out to eat and we get to talk a little bit more. During those times she would take pictures of the two of us on her celphone. She had also invited me to her home twice, so i've met her mother and brother there too. On our birthdays, we send each other happy birthday greetings thru text messages. There are some rare occassions that i would text her, but there are times i would not receive any reply.

Today on Valentine's day, I received a text message greeting from her. "Happy Valentine. How are you? Did you go to work today? Where is your date? "

I replied with "Happy Valentine's Day to you too. Yes i did go to work and i don't really have a date. How about you, where are you going today? I'm ok, how are you too?"
I didn't get any reply after that. So i'm not sure if i did/say anything wrong or maybe she's just busy or maybe it's just another one of those times that i wouldn't get any reply from her.

So do you guys think i'm doing anything wrong?

[Karen]

It doesn't seem like you did anything wrong at all. Your text was polite and pretty much the same as hers. Most likely she got busy, or she's just not that good at replying to texts.

[Outcast]

Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts and feedback Karen.

I guess she has her reasons for not texting back. Well, she has done it a couple of times before. It just makes me feel like she doesn't want to talk to me sometimes,or not interested, bored or maybe even angry sometimes? So i'm a bit confused and unsure as to how to respond/react to that. She does seem to talk a lot more when we got to talk on the phone, and during those times we met in person.

She also did ask me in two seperate instances before, that if i could take a leave from work so we could meet, or go out together. I just couldn't get myself (or didn't have the courage) to ask my boss for a leave with that reason in mind.

[Zoe]

I would agree with Karen….and sometimes it can be nerve wreaking for the other person as well. Go with the flow i guess.

[Crashtastic]

You did say that she texted you first, so surely that shows that she took some initiative to contact you. She must care enough for that. Best thing to do is to not worry about it or try your best not to whenever you can.

[Outcast]

Thanks Zoe and Crashtastic for the replies.

Well, i think i could understand how nerve wracking it is just to initiate the first contact. Maybe that's why I feel that i may have been insensitive about it or failed to show my appreciation. I try not to worry about it. but in the end, i decided to text her again. Saying, "Hi, how are you doing? Would you like to meet up this coming Saturday?" I was really nervous about asking this, and the consequences this could entail. If she responded positively, i would have to take a leave of absence from work on Saturday.

Anyways, since i've already sent her the text message and have yet to receive a reply. I'll just have to wait it out, see what happens, and take it from there. I just hope that it wasn't a foolish/stupid decision on my part.

[Outcast]

Just to update things. She did send a reply afterwards saying she was sorry that her reply came late because she was busy. She asked me if ate already, since she texted me just after lunch. In response to my invitation this coming Saturday, she said she will text me if she can come, since sometimes her brother would unexpectedly have other places to go to.

Looks like everything was just fine. Now all i have to worry about is skipping work and the possibility of my boss getting angry. =P

[Outcast]

Well, we have been meeting a few more times. Eating out. She does most of the talking though. I just listen and answer back with a few words. There are times she would ask a favor from me, like buying her a watch from a shop far from her. ( she collects watches.) Which she would pay back later of course. She also had asked me to make calling cards for her shop. I did so once. And she's asking me to do more again.

Yesterday, she texted me if we could meet and that she wanted to give me something. So i met with her, and she gave me a gift which she said was for my birthday and christmas. I was surprised of course but accepted the gift. She also asked another favor. She asked if i could buy her a special shirt that was running out of stock in other stores. There was a store near my work, that she wanted me to go and buy it there. Having received a gift, and since i wasnt really busy, i said ok.

I'm not really sure. But i wanted to give her something in return for the gift. So while i was there at the mall, i decided to buy her a watch. I couldnt think of something better that she would appreciate.

Some of the people i know don't like that she asks favors. They think i should not have bought her a watch.

I'm not really certain myself on how i feel. I think she is a kind person. But i'm not sure if this is love or friendship.

Edit to add:

I've been giving it some more thought. Right now, i don't think it's really love that i feel but i guess a part of me would want things to go well enough. I just have my apprehensions and fears that things would not work out right. Just doubts, that we might not be able to get along as i had hoped.

I'm just really poor at making decisions on my own and end up screwing up almost always.

I'm not sure if she still wants something more out of our relationship as friends though. It's just that right now, it's hard for me to see myself making anyone happy. I do a lot of things wrong and can be very indecisive often. I don't think anyone will be able to bear with it but myself.

It's probably best not to make her think there could be more. My sister said that i shouldn't encourage her anymore with the favors/gift.

[Outcast]

Feeling kinda tired, sad, down. After not contacting me for a while, she texts me again. Asking for another favor.

I don't know how to respond to her. But at the moment, i don't feel like doing the favor.


Edit: A few things i've read online as i look for advice...

link 1

link 2

link 3

link 4

link 5

link 6

link 7

I just don't know what to do..

[Outcast]

I'm just so confused as to what do really.

I still see this girl during holidays and birthdays. She would give me gifts, and i think its only right i give her gifts as well. We still don't talk that often really and only meet on a few holidays and during birthdays. I don't really make any effort to court her. And think of her as a friend. Since she is the only one who is willing to talk to me and go out with me sometimes. Sometimes though, when we go out. I can't help feeling that we are dating. I'm not really sure how to differentiate between a friendly date or a "date" date kind of date.

Am i giving her false hope? or leading her on? I'm not really sure if i like her enough to be a girlfriend. Or if i'm seeing her because i like her as a friend or as a girlfriend. I know i don't have the guts to really court her publicly or in front of her family. But i did go to her house a few times just to visit. So her mother and brother knows me i guess.

There was a time that she texted me and mentioned that she would have liked to receive flowers from me on Valentines day. I was surprised of course. And i just didn't know how to respond. I'm still not sure if i really like her to do that. Is it really like that or am i just so afraid to try it?

We met again recently this holiday. We had lunch outside and exchanged Christmas gifts. I let her choose the place to eat and i ended up paying for the lunch. We around the mall, as she was also buying gifts for her nephew and brothers. She also went to look at some watch shops. She pointed to a few watches and mentioned she wanted this one watch in particular. They were pretty expensive watches. But she ended up pointing to this one watch that while still expensive , was the least expensive among the watches there.

I just didn't know what to do. Were we on a date? Were we already dating for a long time? Do i consider her my girlfriend that i'd even buy the expensive watch for her? Did i let her down when i didn't buy it?

I guess i just don't know what i'm doing. What i'm feeling. Or what i want our relationship to be. Was i interested but scared? Or was i just content on being friends. Maybe i need more time to reflect on this.

Edited to add: Oh, and there was also this shirt she pointed to that she liked. And i jokingly said i'd be willing to buy it for her next time. (Since it wasn't that expensive.) And she mentioned that i need to buy two of those so we'd have the same shirt. (then i thought, that would be like a couple's shirt? right? Did she really just suggest that?) I didn't know what to say and just smiled. Did i like the idea of that? I'm not so sure, but i think a part of me liked the idea. But at the same time felt some apprehension too.

Feel free if to share any thoughts or advice if you think of any.

[ura]

I don't think it's good that you are buying stuff for her, I think you probably spend more on her than she spends on you, you also said how other people have expressed concern about her asking you for favour think of it like this if it were a male friend would you have spent as much money on them? It seems a little worrying to me how she points out this expensive jewellery kind of like she expects it, I mean that's a bit of an ask for a friend, does she spend the same amount of money on you?

I'm kind of new to all this so my advice isn't great but I get the impression you do like her so perhaps you should try something.

[Outcast]

Hi Ura. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me on this. I think i'm also new to this as i really have not been in any kind of close relationship with a girl before. Normally i don't buy gifts to anyone besides a few members of my family. I didn't really give her any gifts in the beginning. I think it started when she gave me gifts for my birthday and Christmas. Of course, i appreciated the gesture and thought it only fair and nice to give her something in return as well. Of course i was initially surprised, but i really have not much experience in having friends, let alone a friend who also happens to be a girl. So i just thought maybe that's how some normally treat each other right? I mean i see some do it in tv shows and such.
I think you maybe right that i probably spend more on her than she spends on me. It's probably because she comes from a not so well off family. But i do try to be careful so that i don't spend too much on her. So i was really caught off guard when she began pointing to really expensive watches (Some even had diamonds i think. Not sure if they were real.)

Hmm I think it started with a question. She asked me what was my Christmas gift to myself. I was a bit hesitant to say what it was since it was a bit expensive. (As i do tend to splurge on myself during Christmas. Since i got some bonus salary on hand as well some cash prizes from the Office Christmas Party.) So i didn't answer her question and instead asked her what her Christmas gift to herself was. That's when she started showing me and pointing to those expensive watches. But then she was hinting at me to buy one for her. I was speechless, i said i thought those were the items that she was of thinking of buying for herself. She may come from a well off family but i've seen her buy one or two expensive watches before. She likes collecting expensive watches. And some of her rich relatives do give her those types of gifts from time to time.

Apparently, she also recalled what i bought myself last Christmas. Which was an LED TV since my old one broke down. She said the watch she wanted me to buy wasn't that expensive and almost cost the same as that LED TV i bought for myself last Christmas.

From that, i gather that she may have been upset when i didn't go buy that watch she pointed to. After that i drove her near her home and parted ways. Normally she would thank me for the gift i gave her after we parted ways like that and she opened it. But this time she didn't. I guess she didn't like the gift i gave her this time. I had asked my brother's opinion on the gift i gave her. He said it looked nice and was pretty expensive for a blouse. But the price is something i could normally afford to gift a male friend too.

Sometimes she does seem nice but other times she does seem cold. That's why i am a bit torn and hesitant to go all out i guess. I'm not sure if we would really get along if we had a serious relationship. Physically i'm not that attracted to her, but she does look cute sometimes. What i appreciate about her is how she seems to tolerate me despite all my shortcomings. Maybe she's just keeping her temper in check and not showing it. She's still friendly with me when we meet. She seems patient with me and doesn't mind talking to me when we meet.

I do sometimes worry on how she can be cold to me sometimes. When she doesn't message me. And sometimes wonder if she only likes me for what i can buy her in the future?

So i don't know...

[ura]

First I want to preface my reply by saying that firstly I have a cynical or negative bias of viewing people's actions/behaviour. Also, that I can only make judgements based on what you write here so I may be completely wrong in my beliefs.

Dec 28, 2017 5:35:58 GMT -5 Outcast said:

Hi Ura. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me on this. I think i'm also new to this as i really have not been in any kind of close relationship with a girl before. Normally i don't buy gifts to anyone besides a few members of my family. I didn't really give her any gifts in the beginning. I think it started when she gave me gifts for my birthday and Christmas. Of course, i appreciated the gesture and thought it only fair and nice to give her something in return as well. Of course i was initially surprised, but i really have not much experience in having friends, let alone a friend who also happens to be a girl. So i just thought maybe that's how some normally treat each other right? I mean i see some do it in tv shows and such.
I think you maybe right that i probably spend more on her than she spends on me. It's probably because she comes from a not so well off family. But i do try to be careful so that i don't spend too much on her. So i was really caught off guard when she began pointing to really expensive watches (Some even had diamonds i think. Not sure if they were real.)

See again I am cheap so I only buy a few games for my male friends or maybe some alcohol for them as a gift but that's about it. It's nice you have a friend who you can exchange gifts with.

Dec 28, 2017 5:35:58 GMT -5 Outcast said:

Hmm I think it started with a question. She asked me what was my Christmas gift to myself. I was a bit hesitant to say what it was since it was a bit expensive. (As i do tend to splurge on myself during Christmas. Since i got some bonus salary on hand as well some cash prizes from the Office Christmas Party.) So i didn't answer her question and instead asked her what her Christmas gift to herself was. That's when she started showing me and pointing to those expensive watches. But then she was hinting at me to buy one for her. I was speechless, i said i thought those were the items that she was of thinking of buying for herself. She may come from a well off family but i've seen her buy one or two expensive watches before. She likes collecting expensive watches. And some of her rich relatives do give her those types of gifts from time to time.

Apparently, she also recalled what i bought myself last Christmas. Which was an LED TV since my old one broke down. She said the watch she wanted me to buy wasn't that expensive and almost cost the same as that LED TV i bought for myself last Christmas.

From that, i gather that she may have been upset when i didn't go buy that watch she pointed to. After that i drove her near her home and parted ways. Normally she would thank me for the gift i gave her after we parted ways like that and she opened it. But this time she didn't. I guess she didn't like the gift i gave her this time. I had asked my brother's opinion on the gift i gave her. He said it looked nice and was pretty expensive for a blouse. But the price is something i could normally afford to gift a male friend too.

I'll be honest, it sounds like money is definitely on her mind and from the outside it doesn't paint a nice picture of her intentions. If you like buying her stuff and spending money on her, that's fine I guess but I feel like you're being manipulated into spending possibly more money than you normally would spend and perhaps (this is assuming the worst of her) she knows how inexperienced you are and that perhaps you might buy her things. If that is the case then I would consider what she is doing to be manipulative and I would perhaps try matching the amount she spends on you.

Dec 28, 2017 5:35:58 GMT -5 Outcast said:

Sometimes she does seem nice but other times she does seem cold. That's why i am a bit torn and hesitant to go all out i guess. I'm not sure if we would really get along if we had a serious relationship. Physically i'm not that attracted to her, but she does look cute sometimes. What i appreciate about her is how she seems to tolerate me despite all my shortcomings. Maybe she's just keeping her temper in check and not showing it. She's still friendly with me when we meet. She seems patient with me and doesn't mind talking to me when we meet.

I do sometimes worry on how she can be cold to me sometimes. When she doesn't message me. And sometimes wonder if she only likes me for what i can buy her in the future?

So i don't know...

I think that line of reasoning that you enjoy her company because she tolerates your shortcomings is not an ideal way to think to be quite honest. I feel like friendships should be a reciprocal thing and that you shouldn't be thankful that she tolerates your behaviour, you should both enjoy each others company.

[silence]

Hi outcast

Reading the thread seems you've known her a long time now. From my perspective I've been so uncomfortable in the past whenever anyone's brought me anything so I can't imagine expecting it or putting pressure on someone to spend money on me when in fact I'd do the complete opposite. From what you've said it doesn't sound like you're dating and even if you were I'd say you'd have to be in a pretty serious relationship to get to the point of expensive gifts. Maybe you could try doing something together that doesn't involve spending money or going to the shops and see how it goes if she isn't interested it might be time to take a step back and only see each other if you have to or try meting her around other people and see if she acts differently. But I do understand not wanting to let things go when you feel you don't have anywhere else to go.

[Outcast]

That's ok Ura. I appreciate that you've shared your thoughts and opinions on this. I think it helps to get to see it from other people's perspective too.

Well the blouse i gave her this Christmas cost just as much a video game here. Most items that i think would make a good gift cost around that much here. So i'd probably wager her gift to me would cost roughly around that range as well.

Yeah, sometimes i also get that feeling that money/watches are definitely on her mind. Making me doubt her intentions as well. Whenever we meet up, she'd usually bring up that topic of buying her a watch. Following it up that it was just a joke. I happen to mention this a long time ago to my little sister, and she had nicknamed her the "watch lady". Of course, she also didn't feel it was right.
As for enjoying her company, i don't know if i can say that i do. All we very much did was eat out. She was of course leading much of the conversation as i wasn't really that good at them. I always felt awkward though naturally.

Though there was this one time a couple years back when i accompanied her to watch a brief free concert of her favorite artist. I really wasn't a fan of the artist. So i guess i can't say that i really enjoyed the concert.

Maybe i'm leading her on, as i continue to see her once or twice every year. I dunno. We'd usually meet up in a mall near her place. But sometimes she'd hint at wanting to go somewhere else? Then i'd be ok with that and say we can try going there if you want? If it's a place that's a bit far from her home and requires her to take a bus, i don't think she's ever tried to meet me there. So i'd usually have to pick her up near her place just to go to those places where she can't really just walk to get there.

Silence. Thanks for your feedback on the matter. As for trying other stuff to do, i think i've tried to invite her to watch a movie once or twice in the past. But she runs a small shop with her family, so i guess she's busy with that to go. I think there was a time where she just ignored my invitation and didn't give me an answer. So yeah, doubts come to my mind naturally as to why.

Her silence and the way she responds to me sometimes just discourages me to try to talk to her or meet with her that often. I guess that's also probably why i'm ok with just meeting her once or twice a year.

But there's also an outside factor at work too. My mom knows the girl, and wants me to settle for the girl and get married?! (as i'm not getting any younger.) She visits the girl's shop a few times. And recently, i think my mom talked to the girl and hinted her desire for us to settle down?! My mom really wanted to talk to the girl's mom and set things up. And i told my mom not to do that as i am still not sure and i feel that we're really not that close enough to get to that point of a relationship.

(I do hate that about my mom where she often forces me to do this or do that. Drive me here and drive me there. Sometimes i can be a real pushover but i also have my limits.)