|
Post by marle on May 10, 2014 13:38:51 GMT -5
I'm afraid this might sound silly, but I have somewhat of a problem with hello's and goodbye's. In most cases I feel uncomfortable when I hear people tell me "How are you?" because in most of those situations I know I can't be 100% honest in my response. Also, it's a standard social script which makes me think our exchange is about social politeness than about being real with each other. Of course that's an overblown and irrational response to someone being friendly- I know the reaction is wrong, but I can't seem to help how I feel.
For the goodbye's, there is a little bit of the discomfort in the "social script" nature of it, but mostly I have a problem thinking of what to say. I feel like I'm supposed to make some closing remark, and the right words don't seem to come out. I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm not good at wrapping up a conversation/meeting.
I'm also bad at saying no. You can't just say no, you have to skillfully and politely decline, and I may not feel I can think of the right words.
I might be sounding bizarre here with the hello and goodbye discomfort, but I know a lot of people have issues saying "no." Does anyone know what I mean when it comes to discomfort with socially scripted exchanges?
|
|
|
Post by Sexy Spork #37 on May 11, 2014 6:55:37 GMT -5
I think as a certain Sheldon would say, it's all about 'social conventions'.
It's hard to tell if it's just being 'British', though.
If someone asks if I'm okay, like they did today, I'll say 'yeah', even if I'm not. I don't want people to worry, so there is logic in what I say, but I don't know if I applied that logic retrospectively or not, but it's good enough for me. I know what you mean though. When people ask me questions like 'how are you' or whatever, my first thought is, 'What is the correct thing to say?' I don't think it's dishonest, because social convention is often correct.
If you're not okay, you have friends to talk to about those problems. But I think everyone isn't being 'real' with each other. As I say, I don't want people to worry about me, I can manage anything on my own. Imagine the alternative.
"Are you okay?"
"No, I have terrible gout."
Just wouldn't work.
I'm not good at goodbye's either. I usually manage a limp 'goodbye' or 'bye', but then I make sure I leave to avoid any awkwardness. I often don't say 'goodbye' because I'm so quiet, I don't think anyone will notice I'm gone. Or care. And as for final goodbyes, I try to avoid them. Like when I left college, I snuck out so I didn't have to say goodbye because that way, we never departed. In some way, those friends are still with me. It's rather poetical, put it that way.
Sometimes, I actually respond 'yeah' or 'alright' when someone says 'goodbye', but I have never really wondered why. It's stupid.
I can't say 'no' either, although I'm getting better at it. Not being able to say 'no' can be a dangerous thing. I often go with, 'Well, I don't really want to', and end up doing it. If I say 'no', my heart starts racing, I may blush and feel really embarrassed, almost, like people are staring at me. It's difficult.
But what can one do but grin and bear it?
I'm also really indecisive, maybe that's a part of it, too.
I was once asked,
"Do you want to come or do you want to stay?"
"Yeah", was my answer.
Sort of... not a great answer.
But that's life for a shy one.
|
|
|
Post by StarFall on May 11, 2014 15:06:32 GMT -5
Marle you're not alone in the hellos/goodbyes.
I also have a problem saying hello and goodbye even with family and long-time friends. I'm not really sure why, except that with goodbyes there seem to be so many issues of timing and voice level involved. Like the perfect time to say bye is while you're heading out the door but oftentimes someone else is talking at the same time so it's easier to just leave without saying anything. Plus why go to the bother of raising my voice level when no one acknowledges my goodbye anyway?
As for "how are you?" I have one stock answer no matter how I'm feeling - "I'm good". It's usually just strangers who ask the question and I'm sure they don't really care how I'm doing.
Saying no is a work in progress. I still have problems with guilt over saying no.
|
|
|
Post by ura on May 11, 2014 17:07:56 GMT -5
I'm not really great with social situations myself but I have no problems saying Hello or Goodbye, the usual answer I try to give to how are you is I'm fine, that's it. There are a few social conventions I'm not great with like some general social interactions but I find hello and goodbye to be fine. In general did you ever worry that you guys aren't very clued in to social signals.
|
|
|
Post by marle on May 11, 2014 18:39:29 GMT -5
All, thanks for the responses. When people ask me questions like 'how are you' or whatever, my first thought is, 'What is the correct thing to say?' I don't think it's dishonest, because social convention is often correct. I'm not really criticizing it, even though it sounds like I am. I understand it, but I just have a visceral response to it. It puts me off-balance. It reminds me that I have to 'put on a show.' I also have a problem saying hello and goodbye even with family and long-time friends. Me too. It doesn't come naturally. Usually I manage to say it, and it comes out quietly. Not a huge issue I guess, but it's interesting that it can be an issue that comes up even with people you're comfortable with. In general did you ever worry that you guys aren't very clued in to social signals. Personally, not that I'm aware of. I might not think of the right things to say but in general I guess I'm relatively clued in to them.
|
|
|
Post by puppet on May 28, 2014 14:20:10 GMT -5
I think about this from time to time. It also bothers me a lot. It's like I have to put on a "professional" mask and fit into those conventions. It's like showing respect to the others by politely asking how they are. I often think that with each work day that passes I become a bigger liar. But, in the end, what can be done? Tell the truth? I don't know if they really care about how I am and it might just cause discomfort to them. Well. Was just passing by.
|
|
|
Post by Audio the obscure on Jun 10, 2014 15:08:54 GMT -5
You're not alone, Marle, as others have said or indicated in the replies.
I don't get out much now, but when I do, if someone knows me, I usually say Hi or Hello. And if they say "How are you?" If I'm in a good mood, I say "good!" If I'm having a bad day, I say "okay" LOL. Because I know it's a social thing, and I don't want to bring people down. Once in awhile, though, I might elaborate more than that. There are days when I just "tell my troubles to everyone I come into contact with" - I don't mean strangers on the street, I mean at places where I drop in often - like the grocery store, or the pharmacy, or where I go to see my sweet cat Pepper (bookstore) because I'm so stressed out. But that's occasional.
Don't know if my response is any help or not.
I don't really care much for social scripts, but I know they exist, and I try (usually not doing so well at it) to go along with them. Too bad us shybies couldn't get paid for it like actors, because to me it seems like acting a different part in this extroverted world we live in. Uhoh maybe that was lame *rolls eyes at myself* .
|
|