Post by Audio the obscure on Oct 5, 2014 16:16:42 GMT -5
At least that is the conclusion I've drawn.
Ok. I know I am not as open as a lot of you are about my life and any relationships lol what relationships?! It's taken me a long time to get over "Trad" the fellow I was in love with 4 years ago, but anyway....
This is hard for me to share:
A few months ago at the library (around April, I know it was April because I had just gotten over a terrible bronchitis cold), I was sitting in one of the big comfy chairs (the library had done a renovation and they increased the number of chairs for people to sit on), and a man named Rael was sitting at one of the big tables studying. At some point (I forget the exact details of our first encounter, sorry), we introduced ourselves to each other, then we went back to our respective reading materials. I had had a leftover cough from that cold, and he offered me a candy for my throat which I gratefully accepted. That was the gist of the first meeting. I think we had said a few words before this about that he was new to Fredericton and to the library (he's from Montreal), that sort of thing.
The second encounter was a few months later, around August. I was charging up my mp3 player in one of the rooms. I happened to notice someone out of the corner of my eye looking in the room I was in. I was almost sure it was Rael. Then the person left so I went back to waiting for the mp3 to charge. After that, I walked around to where I had met Rael before and lo and behold he was sitting at the same table, so I gingerly went over and greeted him. He greeted me back. I asked if I could sit with him, and he indicated I could. At some point during our conversation he said he noticed me in the other room but that he didn't want to disturb me as I looked occupied. We had a really good convo going this time, talking about words and meanings. He's an intellectual, a person I want to be involved with. We were talking about French and he taught me a few things about that. We discussed other words and meanings of which at some point during our approximately 2 hour conversation I got a German-English dictionary so we could look up one of the words. I told him some things about my life, my noisy upstairs neighbour and so on. He seemed very interested in me as a person plus he seemed to like how I look, saying how young I looked. He couldn't believe it when I told him my age. He thought I was much younger. He's in his 50s but when I asked him his age he jokingly changed the subject saying "what nice weather we're having lately" - lol. I was telling him a bunch of jokes also and he seemed to get a kick out of them, his eyes would twinkle, and he smiled with his eyes too:)! I was on cloud 9 for awhile there til I noticed his absences at the library, and especially after I surmised I probably scared him off - then I felt guilty.
I know now what I did wrong. I scared him off. I didn't see any harm in it at the time, but I'd made some complaint about being alone and lonely. I know now I should not have said that, but it being our only second conversation like I said I didn't see any harm in it. At the time I didn't consider beforehand that it "could turn him off" or maybe I would have "thought twice" about saying it. I know I didn't say anything mean to him, and he seemed as if he enjoyed our talks, the few (only 2) we'd had. I know I came across as "desperate" (which I am), and that's what spoiled it for me. In the book "Why Men Love Bitches" that is the thing it counsels women not to come across as (among other advice it gives). Sometimes a person just Forgets (the advice) in the moment of conversation, unfortunately for me.
I haven't seen him at the library since this last time; and I can only conclude that he's avoiding me because of what I said.
I would like to (and probably won't) have the chance to speak to him once more and apologize to him for talking about being lonely, that I believe I scared him off by saying that, and if it would make any difference at all, that I will just sit in another area of the library, if that's why he hasn't been going there.
I don't mean to sound presumptuous. I suppose there could be other reasons why he's not at the library. I suppose that if he has a job maybe his shift got changed to go to work at night or something. It doesn't Have to be Myself that is the reason I no longer see him sitting at that particular table. I just don't like the thought that maybe I scared him off talking about being lonely, that's all. I just would like to at least have the chance to apologize to him and try to make it right if it's because of what I said.
This isn't the only reason I'm feeling crappy/crabby. For now I will stick to the subject at hand (Rael) - at least on this thread, if I can have enough self control to do this lol.
He was my last hope, my last chance - especially since he probably doesn't think I'm ugly. I find him pretty attractive myself! I guess, like I told my friends (lol) on facebook, I better go shopping for some knitting needles and yarn to go along with that rocking chair I have:(. Because at the rate I'm going I'm never going to find someone I can have a romantic and long term relationship with. Most of you on here are in your 20s, and those of you who know of me, know I'm over 50, so I guess for me this is it. Even my ex got remarried, and he was 61 when he did so (of course he's not ugly like I am - I hate to think what an old hag I'll look like when/if I see 61!!! I never was one of the "pretty ones") Sorry. Like I said on the other thread/post I made today, I'm feeling really crappy/crabby. Those of you who aren't ugly - and that's probably every girl on here but me! - be happy about that. Because personality or no, a guy is just not going to bother unless the looks are there. Well there has to be "sex appeal" so that there's an attraction: otherwise it'll just be a friendship. Why Would he bother? If he'd sooner wrap his arms around a telephone pole, than someone with my looks, then there's no hope then. Not for me. And nothing is going to change that. I can "think positive thoughts" til the cows come home, but if I am not attractive it will not get me anywhere as far as getting a romantic long term relationship. I'm Not confident. I'm Not sure of myself. I know those two things are what a guy looks for also. But it's too late for me. I wish I had learned these things when I was 16 instead of 52! I probably have only 20 more years or less to live. So I'm Just Going to Have to Buckle Down and Get Used to Not Having A Significant Other and try to learn how to do crafts, I guess.