Post by Slinky on Apr 9, 2015 8:24:44 GMT -5
I figured since SU is so much quieter these days, I'd have a go at posting this here. I wrote it more for myself originally, to try and put things into perspective in my own life. Don't know if anyone else can relate really?
Anywhos, as usual I write way, way too much so I understand if people don't read it all, lol. Just putting it out there.
I sometimes forget how far I've come in the past 10 years or so. In times of struggle, inner turmoil or nagging doubts, it's easy to forget how I've coped in the past. Become stronger and developed in ways I never seriously thought possible.
Life has a habit of throwing obstacles, little or large, in your path, forcing you into making decisions that, at the time, feel like you have to live or die by. Exactly that. That's how it feels. That one choice, this way or that, could potentially lead down a road you will be on forever. Choices that appear gigantic, insurmountable, so nerve-shatteringly massive that it feels impossible to make a move, terrified of an imagined future. Which is all the 'future' is anyway, imagined. How do you begin to scale a monstrous life decision when you can't get past the mental roadblocks that create the monster in the first place?
That's how I'm feeling right now. Major decisions and life choices that I proceed to make even scarier and unable to confront by seeing them as boulders that will set me to rolling down a set path in life for the next 25-30 years. How can anyone seriously make a choice and have just enough confidence in themselves when faced with that? Knowing that they have built the problem up to be such a life-defining behemoth to begin with? Another major decision looming over me, casting an ever expanding shadow over everything else I will ever do or think.
A torchlight in the darkness being the thought that I will look back at this time in my life in the distant future and hopefully see that I made the right choice.
Yet, I've made many such similar decisions and life choices in the past. The gut-wrenching fear and uncertainty they caused faded significantly enough from memory by the passing of time, I think the brain's way of saving myself from complete insanity! I've hurt, recovered. Suffered, learned. Been chopped down, grown back with new roots to hold me that bit steadier. My brain forgets this when the new challenge appears, when choices have to be made and consequences lived with. I've always been like this, apparently making myself suffer with worry and anxiety over making a choice and just living with what I choose. I've stayed 'safe' for a while; same job, same routine, nothing too far out of my comfort zone.
Then again I think....is that really true? Growing up is a choice we all have to make. It doesn't just miraculously happen like I used to think as a kid. It's a constantly evolving process. Dealing with increasingly 'adult' events. Good and bad. And I've dealt with them, continue to do so. Grief, loss, the turbulence of ups and downs, depression, loneliness ===> happiness, contentment, stability ===> the doubts and worries when these positive states are temporary, ever shifting. How does anyone cope with this? Keep moving is the advice I read more often than not, you have to keep moving. I have to do that now, make a choice, then keep moving, flow with that choice, move, mentally and physically.
Hard, very hard.
I fail to give myself credit for all the things I've achieved, pushed through, and become in the last 10 years. When those doubts about the future return, I don't look back and say 'hey, you are strong. Believe in yourself. You are not alone in this'. From the painfully shy and anxious child, to the similarly shy and anxious young adult, I spent months only speaking to my family whilst at university. Spent a year and a half during my Masters study doing much the same. But....I went to university. I got my Masters. Huge positives I hide behind the negative. Heading into 2006, work life loomed over me. My social anxiety and chronic inability to talk easily with others seemed such impossible odds to overcome. 'I'm always going to be like this aren't I? Just accept it...'
However, slowly but surely I managed to speak to a few work colleagues, people I dealt with day to day. Built up my confidence bit by bit, through earning my keep, working out in the world, raising my self-esteem. A girl started at my workplace that I found myself wanting to talk to, more and more. This is around 2 years into starting my job. I wanted to hold a proper conversation that someone else wanted to be a part of. It was such a huge kick up the backside that I was shocked how well I felt I coped. I could talk, I had the ability within me to interest someone else. I didn't give in, shrink back into myself to avoid having any sort of attention on myself. I could make conversation, be interesting to someone and likeable enough for other people to take an interest in me. My competence at work, in a familiar environment, helped with that immensely. The stress of work would normally take all of my energy to deal with, let alone taking the perceived 'risk' of attempting to converse with someone I had a desire to talk to. Yet at one time my workplace was unfamiliar, scary, daunting. I overcame that in time, supporting myself and with help from others too.
Once upon a time I thought these things impossible. Me, talk to a girl? Her to like talking to me?!
Whilst I'm still socially anxious and shy to varying degrees in different situations, I've come such a long way. I wish I would recognise this fact on a more consistent basis, draw upon it in times of stress and dire need.
I've held down and been good at a job for 8 years now (no matter how other people view said job) - improbable.
Being able to talk freely enough with other people, minimising anxiety where I can - doubtful.
Applying that to the opposite sex - never in a million years.
I've done the above three things. They may appear trivial, tiny, and embarrassingly easy to other people. Things you should just 'know' or be able to 'do'. It wouldn't seem right to call them challenges, as there was a time when I thought none of them would even remotely figure in my life, let alone be achievable.
But I achieved them. And when some things ended, or came crashing down around me (there's catastrophising for you!), I coped. Somehow, over months and months of heartache, self-inflicted torture of the mind, physical hurt, I found a way out. How am I not so gut-burstingly, heart-poundingly proud of myself for that?
And everything else? I passed my driving test in October 2014. Second time around with flying colours. Another life event I had figured, assumed I would never experience. Too scared, anxious....until I actually challenged myself, went out and did it. Again, months of worry and anxious thoughts, stomach curdling at every negative thought and feeling of 'why am I doing this?' But I got there.
I got a girlfriend. Yes, that's right 10 years ago me. A girlfriend. How on earth that happened, I'll never know. Well, I do really. Through opening myself up and taking risks, no matter how scary and no matter how big the risk of being hurt. I learned from previous grievous hurt, that made the next opportunity possible. If not for the pain of risks taken in the past, I doubt I would have had the bravery to try again, to try at all. I'd still be the boy too afraid to talk to anyone in all seriousness. Back then, no matter how far I'd come, I didn't really believe I would see the day where a girl liked me, let alone want to be with me for any length of time!
Despite the internal battle I feel myself in now, I have to draw upon the experiences I've had and know I'll be ok, come what may. I'm stronger than I ever thought I could be, would have to be, and will have to be for a good long time to come. But to that end I am not alone. No matter how lonely, lost and isolated I have felt in the past, in the deepest pits of despair I've found myself, I got up and out. On my own and by being brave enough to ask for a hand from time to time too. Advice is worth its weight in gold, as is an ear to listen to everything that is on your mind. Half the battle I think is having someone to listen to your thoughts, so they aren't being constantly twisted in your own mind. Some worries can sound silly when said out loud to someone. Other problems can be given invaluable insight from a viewpoint of another whose life experience can colour a situation in a way you'd never even imagined.
A hard thing to overcome is the feeling of 'I'm wasting other people's time'. To try and avoid dumping my worries onto other people who have their own concerns, and worry about me as it is. I would of course do the same for them, so I need to realise they are there for me too and not hold everything in all the time for fear of worrying people who love me.
I've faced down a lot of my demons, and continue to do so. Got back up to live another day when I felt so low that I started to plan for a day when I wouldn't be able to get up ever again. I've since run 10k's, a goddamn marathon, passed my driving test and lived a life that wouldn't of been possible if I had given in during the dark times. I have control over my own life and can take an active role in my own happiness as much as I can in trying to help the people I love be happy.
REALISE what I have achieved, the person I am today.
REMEMBER what I have lived through, how it has shaped me.
APPLY all this to my life now
be CONFIDENT that you will find your way.
This was a complete brain splurge. No editing, just letting myself write down as much as I could about how I am feeling. And, without blowing my own trumpet, how proud I should feel of myself. I should not feel like a complete failure if I find some things scary or too difficult at times. I'm not the worst shit to have walked the earth if I unintentionally hurt other people, I cannot let guilt eat me up from the inside for the mistakes I've made or will undoubtedly make in the future. I'm human and can't second guess everything that will happen. I can be forever sorry, apologise, but there is a point to move on, and if forgiveness comes your way, accept it gracefully in the way you have offered it to others.
Friends are far too precious to lose.
I should have faith and belief, to not try and second guess the future, to have confidence that whatever may come, whatever I choose, I can and will live my life!
Anywhos, as usual I write way, way too much so I understand if people don't read it all, lol. Just putting it out there.
--------------------------------------------------------
I sometimes forget how far I've come in the past 10 years or so. In times of struggle, inner turmoil or nagging doubts, it's easy to forget how I've coped in the past. Become stronger and developed in ways I never seriously thought possible.
Life has a habit of throwing obstacles, little or large, in your path, forcing you into making decisions that, at the time, feel like you have to live or die by. Exactly that. That's how it feels. That one choice, this way or that, could potentially lead down a road you will be on forever. Choices that appear gigantic, insurmountable, so nerve-shatteringly massive that it feels impossible to make a move, terrified of an imagined future. Which is all the 'future' is anyway, imagined. How do you begin to scale a monstrous life decision when you can't get past the mental roadblocks that create the monster in the first place?
That's how I'm feeling right now. Major decisions and life choices that I proceed to make even scarier and unable to confront by seeing them as boulders that will set me to rolling down a set path in life for the next 25-30 years. How can anyone seriously make a choice and have just enough confidence in themselves when faced with that? Knowing that they have built the problem up to be such a life-defining behemoth to begin with? Another major decision looming over me, casting an ever expanding shadow over everything else I will ever do or think.
A torchlight in the darkness being the thought that I will look back at this time in my life in the distant future and hopefully see that I made the right choice.
Yet, I've made many such similar decisions and life choices in the past. The gut-wrenching fear and uncertainty they caused faded significantly enough from memory by the passing of time, I think the brain's way of saving myself from complete insanity! I've hurt, recovered. Suffered, learned. Been chopped down, grown back with new roots to hold me that bit steadier. My brain forgets this when the new challenge appears, when choices have to be made and consequences lived with. I've always been like this, apparently making myself suffer with worry and anxiety over making a choice and just living with what I choose. I've stayed 'safe' for a while; same job, same routine, nothing too far out of my comfort zone.
Then again I think....is that really true? Growing up is a choice we all have to make. It doesn't just miraculously happen like I used to think as a kid. It's a constantly evolving process. Dealing with increasingly 'adult' events. Good and bad. And I've dealt with them, continue to do so. Grief, loss, the turbulence of ups and downs, depression, loneliness ===> happiness, contentment, stability ===> the doubts and worries when these positive states are temporary, ever shifting. How does anyone cope with this? Keep moving is the advice I read more often than not, you have to keep moving. I have to do that now, make a choice, then keep moving, flow with that choice, move, mentally and physically.
Hard, very hard.
I fail to give myself credit for all the things I've achieved, pushed through, and become in the last 10 years. When those doubts about the future return, I don't look back and say 'hey, you are strong. Believe in yourself. You are not alone in this'. From the painfully shy and anxious child, to the similarly shy and anxious young adult, I spent months only speaking to my family whilst at university. Spent a year and a half during my Masters study doing much the same. But....I went to university. I got my Masters. Huge positives I hide behind the negative. Heading into 2006, work life loomed over me. My social anxiety and chronic inability to talk easily with others seemed such impossible odds to overcome. 'I'm always going to be like this aren't I? Just accept it...'
However, slowly but surely I managed to speak to a few work colleagues, people I dealt with day to day. Built up my confidence bit by bit, through earning my keep, working out in the world, raising my self-esteem. A girl started at my workplace that I found myself wanting to talk to, more and more. This is around 2 years into starting my job. I wanted to hold a proper conversation that someone else wanted to be a part of. It was such a huge kick up the backside that I was shocked how well I felt I coped. I could talk, I had the ability within me to interest someone else. I didn't give in, shrink back into myself to avoid having any sort of attention on myself. I could make conversation, be interesting to someone and likeable enough for other people to take an interest in me. My competence at work, in a familiar environment, helped with that immensely. The stress of work would normally take all of my energy to deal with, let alone taking the perceived 'risk' of attempting to converse with someone I had a desire to talk to. Yet at one time my workplace was unfamiliar, scary, daunting. I overcame that in time, supporting myself and with help from others too.
Once upon a time I thought these things impossible. Me, talk to a girl? Her to like talking to me?!
Whilst I'm still socially anxious and shy to varying degrees in different situations, I've come such a long way. I wish I would recognise this fact on a more consistent basis, draw upon it in times of stress and dire need.
I've held down and been good at a job for 8 years now (no matter how other people view said job) - improbable.
Being able to talk freely enough with other people, minimising anxiety where I can - doubtful.
Applying that to the opposite sex - never in a million years.
I've done the above three things. They may appear trivial, tiny, and embarrassingly easy to other people. Things you should just 'know' or be able to 'do'. It wouldn't seem right to call them challenges, as there was a time when I thought none of them would even remotely figure in my life, let alone be achievable.
But I achieved them. And when some things ended, or came crashing down around me (there's catastrophising for you!), I coped. Somehow, over months and months of heartache, self-inflicted torture of the mind, physical hurt, I found a way out. How am I not so gut-burstingly, heart-poundingly proud of myself for that?
And everything else? I passed my driving test in October 2014. Second time around with flying colours. Another life event I had figured, assumed I would never experience. Too scared, anxious....until I actually challenged myself, went out and did it. Again, months of worry and anxious thoughts, stomach curdling at every negative thought and feeling of 'why am I doing this?' But I got there.
I got a girlfriend. Yes, that's right 10 years ago me. A girlfriend. How on earth that happened, I'll never know. Well, I do really. Through opening myself up and taking risks, no matter how scary and no matter how big the risk of being hurt. I learned from previous grievous hurt, that made the next opportunity possible. If not for the pain of risks taken in the past, I doubt I would have had the bravery to try again, to try at all. I'd still be the boy too afraid to talk to anyone in all seriousness. Back then, no matter how far I'd come, I didn't really believe I would see the day where a girl liked me, let alone want to be with me for any length of time!
Despite the internal battle I feel myself in now, I have to draw upon the experiences I've had and know I'll be ok, come what may. I'm stronger than I ever thought I could be, would have to be, and will have to be for a good long time to come. But to that end I am not alone. No matter how lonely, lost and isolated I have felt in the past, in the deepest pits of despair I've found myself, I got up and out. On my own and by being brave enough to ask for a hand from time to time too. Advice is worth its weight in gold, as is an ear to listen to everything that is on your mind. Half the battle I think is having someone to listen to your thoughts, so they aren't being constantly twisted in your own mind. Some worries can sound silly when said out loud to someone. Other problems can be given invaluable insight from a viewpoint of another whose life experience can colour a situation in a way you'd never even imagined.
A hard thing to overcome is the feeling of 'I'm wasting other people's time'. To try and avoid dumping my worries onto other people who have their own concerns, and worry about me as it is. I would of course do the same for them, so I need to realise they are there for me too and not hold everything in all the time for fear of worrying people who love me.
I've faced down a lot of my demons, and continue to do so. Got back up to live another day when I felt so low that I started to plan for a day when I wouldn't be able to get up ever again. I've since run 10k's, a goddamn marathon, passed my driving test and lived a life that wouldn't of been possible if I had given in during the dark times. I have control over my own life and can take an active role in my own happiness as much as I can in trying to help the people I love be happy.
REALISE what I have achieved, the person I am today.
REMEMBER what I have lived through, how it has shaped me.
APPLY all this to my life now
be CONFIDENT that you will find your way.
This was a complete brain splurge. No editing, just letting myself write down as much as I could about how I am feeling. And, without blowing my own trumpet, how proud I should feel of myself. I should not feel like a complete failure if I find some things scary or too difficult at times. I'm not the worst shit to have walked the earth if I unintentionally hurt other people, I cannot let guilt eat me up from the inside for the mistakes I've made or will undoubtedly make in the future. I'm human and can't second guess everything that will happen. I can be forever sorry, apologise, but there is a point to move on, and if forgiveness comes your way, accept it gracefully in the way you have offered it to others.
Friends are far too precious to lose.
I should have faith and belief, to not try and second guess the future, to have confidence that whatever may come, whatever I choose, I can and will live my life!
) and hopefully I will remember your advice the next time I'll have to contend with my own demons.
And I'm proud of you!
