Who I am and my story...

[spfreely]

Hi everybody, I have returned to this forum after a few months, during which I have found myself possibly at the lowest point ever in my life.

Where do I possibly start?  I guess the penny dropped this year, when I turned 29 and I realised at this moment that my life is a mess.  I was never a confident person to begin with, since I can remember, but years ago I remember I used to be able to hold good conversations with people, actually make and keep friends and all the other things that many people accomplish on a daily basis and take for granted.  Now, I look at myself and I am a shadow of that person, which really is depressing, especially for you all to read as I can only imagine.  Now I feel completely socially isolated, offline and online (if you can believe that) and with so little social contact with people I feel I have lost the ability to converse with people and this situation is somewhat born of paranoia and being extremely self-conscious of everything I do, to the point that I second guess the smallest of actions I take.  There is also a part of me who refuses to try with people any more, because it seems every jerk, every user and two faced individual gravitate towards me.  Quiet, shy people have feelings and I am tired, as I am sure a lot of you are, of being treated like a doormat, to take the disrespectful treatment from others so that they can feel better about themselves in contrast.

I feel I can offer the world so much and I just wish there would be one person on this planet that could see something in me that would be worth giving a second glance and bothering with.  

Well I have put it out there and it is so painful to face up to these issues and post about them for the public to see, but at this point I don't think things could really get much worse.  Anyway, thank you all for your time and feel free to ask any questions.

[Outcast]

I've meant to respond to this sooner. But i really wasn't sure what to say or how i can help. I guess i'm also second guessing myself too much.

I think i can relate to your situation. There was a time that i could talk to people more openly. But usually it's just between one or two other person who aren't that outgoing as well. Now, i usually just stay home or in the office alone. Completely isolated from much physical social interaction. Online, maybe i still do a few chats i suppose.

Maybe i just don't dwell on my social isolation so much. I think that helps keep me from being depressed.

They are a lot of different kinds of people for us to encounter in life. And not all of them are what we expect or hope to be. Some we find a little hard to understand, just as they find it hard to understand us as well. Just like how i don't understand why there are people who are arrogant and bold enough to do the things they do. Like stepping on other people to get what they want.

I think what counts is that you still believe in yourself. You don't have to seek the approval of others. I'm sure there will be someone who will like you for who you are. Maybe it's a matter of trying to meet more people? Maybe with similar interests for starters? But i can totally understand how one can still feel unsure or not confident even among people with similar interests. Our bad experiences and sensitivity can get the better of us.

Don't know what to say anymore. But i hope you are still doing ok. Try not to dwell on the negatives in life, but try to see the positives and never lose hope.