|
Post by AmyK on Jan 26, 2004 11:30:58 GMT -5
Hi, I was wondering whether people think it is better to date another shy person, or would it be better to date an outgoing person? Personally I think there is much less pressure if you both know where each other is coming from, so you're not expecting the other person to be really outgoing at first. There are sites out there like www.shy-dating.com so some people must agree with me, or do some outgoing people activily look for shy people?
|
|
|
Post by Naptaq on Jan 26, 2004 12:26:01 GMT -5
well i think it's good that shy ppl date shy ppl.. it's just that the outgoing person may become fustrated about your shynes when another shy person won't i also think it is highly unlikley that a outgoing person will search for a shy women/men.. but never the less magic can still happen as long as there's love involved
|
|
|
Post by Nicole on Jan 26, 2004 19:58:33 GMT -5
I seem to gravitate towards people that are the opposite of me.
My girlfriend is very extroverted, friendly, and outgoing. *Everyone* loves her. She strikes up conversations with random people all the time. She's also wonderful with me, and very supportive of my social anxiety. (We've been together for about a year and 3 months.)
I find that you can't really "plan" who your ideal partner is, what qualities they will have, etc. Life is often unpredictable, and people can surprise you.
|
|
|
Post by shylurker on Jan 27, 2004 10:22:54 GMT -5
i am with nicole on this one
i prefer the opposites
i want someone who is outgoing, but understands my situation...someone who i can be myself around and that when i am around them i dont feel so shy...if that makes sense...
i also suck at making conversation, so someone who is a talker is great... but i usually ramble on for hours to those who are close to me, so hopefully they are also a good listener
i am told i have high expectations and i am fussy..
well i won't settle for a jerk who doesn't get me.
what is the point in that?
|
|
|
Post by Alecto on Jan 27, 2004 15:55:27 GMT -5
I prefer some one who is the opposite of me. My boyfriend of 4 years is very outgoing, yet we get along extremely well. I feel that if I went out with another shy person we would eventually run out of things to talk about
|
|
|
Post by ASolitarySoul on Jan 27, 2004 18:52:51 GMT -5
Hi, I was wondering whether people think it is better to date another shy person, or would it be better to date an outgoing person? Personally I think there is much less pressure if you both know where each other is coming from, so you're not expecting the other person to be really outgoing at first. There are sites out there like www.shy-dating.com so some people must agree with me, or do some outgoing people activily look for shy people? This is not a simple question to answer. Shyness is a rather broad concept - different shy people have shyness issues that are different from each other (to a certain extent), as each of us come from different backgrounds, with different influences and life-experiences - there is no “one size fits all” definition of shyness, as not all shy people can be placed into the same bucket. It isn’t enough that a potential SO be shy, but have a form of shyness that have characteristics similar to your own. If you can find someone like that, then it’s possible that you could have a viable relationship with him/her - as you can better relate to each other - an integral part of love is understanding. On top of that, there are STILL the compatibility issues that have to be resolved, as is the case with most all interpersonal relationships - there are no perfect relationships, as there are no perfect people. My problem is, as my particular form of shyness is rather unique, I’m also living in rural southeast Texas - which isn’t known for shyness when it comes to personality types. :-( Solitary Soul all about me -> users3.ev1.net/~solitarysoul/--------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
Post by ASolitarySoul on Jan 27, 2004 19:06:25 GMT -5
i am with nicole on this one i prefer the opposites i want someone who is outgoing, but understands my situation...someone who i can be myself around and that when i am around them i dont feel so shy...if that makes sense... i also suck at making conversation, so someone who is a talker is great... but i usually ramble on for hours to those who are close to me, so hopefully they are also a good listener i am told i have high expectations and i am fussy.. well i won't settle for a jerk who doesn't get me. what is the point in that? Yeah - this has been a hot topic of discussion in alt.support.shyness. Shy girls go for extroverted (alpha) males, as well as the not-so-shy girls, so the shy guys are screwed ... or not screwed ... whatever. Solitary Soul all about me -> users3.ev1.net/~solitarysoul/--------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
Post by EdgedInBlue on Jan 28, 2004 2:21:08 GMT -5
Personally, I'd be much more comfortable with a shy person because there is that understanding, but there is so much more that goes into a relationship than how your partner interacts with his/her peers. Also, there are pros and cons to each personality and it's all a matter of what you can or can't deal with.
|
|
|
Post by ASolitarySoul on Jan 28, 2004 14:41:58 GMT -5
Personally, I'd be much more comfortable with a shy person because there is that understanding, but there is so much more that goes into a relationship than how your partner interacts with his/her peers. Also, there are pros and cons to each personality and it's all a matter of what you can or can't deal with. Quite true - and that brings us to another aspect of shyness, and how it affects one’s ability to function in interpersonal relationships. As I stated before, there are different forms of shyness, stemming from different shy people. With some people, shyness is an inhibiting factor, preventing a socially proficient individual from becoming socially viable. For others (such as myself), shyness is a symptom of a much more fundamental problem - the person afflicted simply doesn’t have the capacity to be more socially proficient - if it were not for the shyness, then there would STILL be the problem of basic social functionality. If I could wave a magic wand and become less shy, there would still be the problem of my social ineptitude. I’ve often stated that there IS a certain element of selfishness in love. Why “settle” for less when you can have better? There is nothing wrong with looking out for your own self-interests. As it is, men initiate intimate relationships with women, as it is expected for them to do so. So, if a woman has a choice between someone who is socially inept and someone who isn’t, someone who is a fun and interesting person to be around (and to spend time with in a relationship), then why should she reject that option and “settle” for the social retard? Why, indeed. There is a prominent band of misogynists in alt.support.shyness that is unable to come to terms with this reality - I pity them - I understand their pain, but I don’t sympathize with their philosophies - it isn’t the fault of women that a shy loserguy is “sub-standard” - if anyone is to blame, it’s the shy loserguy. So, the only girl that would be attracted to the shy loserguy would be a social retard herself - and if she’s physically attractive, then she will be approached by many men irrespective of her social ineptitude - it’s a defect that a lot of men are willing to look past, and some even find it endearing. This is part of the reason why I’ve pretty much given up and accepted my fate - as I have lived alone, I’ll die alone, and die a virgin - and I have reconciled myself to that inevitability. Solitary Soul all about me -> users3.ev1.net/~solitarysoul/--------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
Post by spitzig on Jan 29, 2004 0:29:56 GMT -5
So, if a woman has a choice between someone who is socially inept and someone who isn’t, someone who is a fun and interesting person to be around (and to spend time with in a relationship), then why should she reject that option and “settle” for the social retard? There is also the factor that not all women consider lack of shyness to be a major factor in choosing to date men. But, shy guys would tend to miss out on them, because we don't FIND OUT(read, approach them, talk to them,...) what qualities in men they consider high priority. I agree that most women value confidence(which shyness generally means a lack of), but I've dated some who valued things like intelligence and kindness more. The concept of the "alpha male" getting all the females has been found to have holes in it. With apes(or monkeys, or whatever the theory started with), the females often cheat(hide to have sex) with the non-alpha males. Often the alpha males are defending their position as alpha male enough that the guys cheating get laid more. I believe the females often like the non-alpha males particularly because they are nicer. I am not as clear in my memory with the last statement, though.
|
|
|
Post by CaryGrant on Jan 31, 2004 0:29:21 GMT -5
Doesn't it depend upon the people? Some possibilities:
1. Two shy people, both trying to overcome shyness: Seems like a good match. 2. Two shy people, neither wanting to overcome shyness: Possibly ok. 3. Two shy people, one trying to overcome shyness: Probable disaster. 4. One shy, one non-shy, both enjoying the other's way of being: Possibly ok. 5. One shy, one non-shy, one or both not accepting the other's way of being: Probable disaster.
|
|
|
Post by ASolitarySoul on Jan 31, 2004 14:13:58 GMT -5
Doesn't it depend upon the people? Some possibilities: 1. Two shy people, both trying to overcome shyness: Seems like a good match. 2. Two shy people, neither wanting to overcome shyness: Possibly ok. 3. Two shy people, one trying to overcome shyness: Probable disaster. 4. One shy, one non-shy, both enjoying the other's way of being: Possibly ok. 5. One shy, one non-shy, one or both not accepting the other's way of being: Probable disaster. I don’t believe it’s a matter of attitudes towards shyness, but of the capacity for each person involved in the relationship to understand the other - an integral part of love is understanding. ... and THAT’S the whole premise for shy people coupling with other shy people. You also have to keep in mind that, just because someone is shy, that doesn’t mean that the person in question is a “nice” person - many shy people are shy because they simply cannot function in interpersonal relationships - they don’t have the capacity. Some shy people are just too egocentric and insecure to be a good match with anyone - so the best thing that they can do for themselves is to remain alone, and set the goal of adjusting to a lifetime alone - if they do not have the capacity to change (or they are simply unwilling to change). I know of several who are like this in alt.support.shyness, and it’s rather sad to see them in so much pain - and there isn’t much that they can do about it, as I doubt if they have the capacity to change. Solitary Soul all about me -> users3.ev1.net/~solitarysoul/--------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
Post by spitzig on Jan 31, 2004 21:00:17 GMT -5
I don’t believe it’s a matter of attitudes towards shyness, but of the capacity for each person involved in the relationship to understand the other - an integral part of love is understanding. It's not necessary for someone to have experienced the same thing to understand the other. Everyone's been anxious, so everyone has the potential to have compassion toward people who have lots of problem with it.
|
|
|
Post by Sanity FreeZ0ne on Jan 31, 2004 22:32:46 GMT -5
As I stated before, there are different forms of shyness, stemming from different shy people. With some people, shyness is an inhibiting factor, preventing a socially proficient individual from becoming socially viable. For others (such as myself), shyness is a symptom of a much more fundamental problem - the person afflicted simply doesn’t have the capacity to be more socially proficient - if it were not for the shyness, then there would STILL be the problem of basic social functionality. If I could wave a magic wand and become less shy, there would still be the problem of my social ineptitude. Could you explain why are you are so sure you don't think you have the capcity to change your social functionality?
|
|
|
Post by West Texas on Feb 1, 2004 5:08:17 GMT -5
Go figure...read the home page of Solitarysoul and then figure out just what he is trying to say. I don't get it either?
|
|