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Post by SeriousQuestion on Dec 19, 2003 9:52:15 GMT -5
OK gang here is my dilemna - After a period of many years without a girlfriend I met someone through the Net and eventually she wanted to be more than just friends. I don't really find her attractive but was lonely so we've went out for a while, I've had an OK time and now, of course, she's expecting sex and thus far I haven't been able to get aroused for a combination of psychological and lack-of-attraction reasons. She is also a lonely person and pleased to have a boyfriend though understandably disappointed so far about the lack of sex. So now I don't know what to do. Should I keep going out with someone I don't really having feelings for, just to avoid being alone? Or should I confess now, on the grounds that the longer I leave it the worse it will get? And what to do about the impotence? Aaargh  |
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Post by CaryGrant on Dec 20, 2003 12:08:29 GMT -5
Assuming that this is a serious question, albeit in the Agony column....
Let her go. If you have been out on several dates with someone and know you don't see her as a romantic prospect, you owe it to both of you to break it off. If you have sex with her, she will definitely be more heartbroken down the road - and you may find yourself messed up, too.
I know it is very tempting to hang on to someone because it feels like there will never be another, especially if you are having ED issues. However, quite possibly a major cause of your ED is the conflicted feelings you have about this girl. More and more men are starting to realise that Wee Willie Winkie can be a fair barometer of your intuition toward a girl (Men's Health magazine). WWW is telling you not to go there - pay attention.
We men are often not very in touch with our intuition, but that doesn't mean we don't have it. And we have this silly idea that a "real man" can get it up anywhere, any time, any woman. Not true.
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Post by SeriousQuestion on Jan 9, 2004 6:16:58 GMT -5
I wish I had followed your advice. I am still going out with her and every time I stay at her place she keeps wanting to try, and I'm running out of excuses to fob her off. Equally I've tried to placate her with statements about how much I like our relationship which will make it even harder to break up when it inevitably happens. Aargh!
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Ghost
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Post by Ghost on Feb 28, 2004 17:17:00 GMT -5
How are things now? Have you followed Cary's advise? It is for the best...
It is deception to both of you. If you break off now you will break her heart, but if you have sex and break with her, she will be heart broken and devasted more deeply. She will think you just used her and dumped her for sex.
Be honest and let her go. That way both of you can be open for other people. It is unhealthy this way, if there is no mutual attraction. It has no use of waiting to tell her, because you want to "spare" her. It's too late already: the sooner it is over, the sooner she can start with the healing process of getting over you. Same for you.
It's no fun, but you have to be honest. Try being tactic (though I doubt there is much or anything you can say that will be taken well).
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Post by Reflection on Mar 13, 2004 0:49:44 GMT -5
This might sound a little harsh, but I think you are being extremely selfish for stringing this poor girl along. You said "she is a lonely person and pleased to have a boyfriend though understandably disappointed so far about the lack of sex" and that you are only seeing her because you don't want to be alone. In other words, you are taking advantage of her. That's cruel. The only thing crueler than that would be to have sex with her and have her actually believe that it meant something, then dump her and have her wondering what the hell happened. Yeah, breaking up won't be fun, but if you care about being a good person, then you will do it as soon as possible, before this girl's feelings intensify.
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Orlando
New Member
My spelling stinks and my grammer is horrible but, what the heck, I have good health!
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Post by Orlando on Mar 13, 2004 6:01:27 GMT -5
I agree with everyone's responses. A relationship is about two people willing to share genuine feelings for each other. Right now, it seems she is sharing her feelings: She feels safe with you and she wants to know you on an intimate level. In your writings (posts), it seems that you are saying something different: I like you as a friend. Can't you just say that? Or you might be able to say, "Well, I see you as my sister." I tell you what. I heard this excuses before from my friends (who are girls). They would say, "You're like my big brother" or "I feel more comfortable with just being friends." I tell you what I hurt like heck     . However, I still talk to them....and I do enjoy their friendship. I think it is better to be real than to be fake and sad. For example, if you continue in this relationship and have sex with her, will you be happy? Or will you feel some resentment that now you're attached to someone you don't love? Either way, it's a lose lose situation. Eventually, she will be sad because you didn't tell her your real feelings. You will be sad because you'll get into a serious, intense relationship that you did not want. |
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Post by SeriousQuestion on Mar 14, 2004 18:16:11 GMT -5
Still going out, still not having sex, still feels more like a friendship ...
I am still not sure what to do and am not convinced of the advice given so far ...
My girlfriend comes from a strong religious background and although just turned 30 has never had a boyfriend before, never got a Valentine's card or present until I got her those, so I'm not sure what "letting her be open to other people" would have done for her. If she lived her whole life and never had a relationship, would I have done her a favour by saying "I see you as a friend" the way the rest of the male population has?
Equally if we are both just two lonely people I can't see why I am the one taking advantage of her by doing nice things for her, taking her places etc. Most relationships - like 90%+ - end, don't they? Just because a relationship will end sometime doesn't mean the people didn't have a good time when they were in it.
I suppose the question I should have asked was "has anyone started seeing someone they weren't attracted to and changed their mind later"? That would have been a better question.
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Post by Boblouie58 on Mar 14, 2004 20:48:52 GMT -5
Serious Question- I'm not sure you have any idea what you are doing in this relationship other than helping another "lost soul" who is lonely. You don't know what to do, tells me you are only in this relationship to "be friends". First and foremost, in any relationship it's best to develop into a friendship and to see how you both feel about each other. If you feel that "hanging out" is enough? As in the beginning you said you didn't particularily find her attractive, there must be other reasons you are still hanging around, as previously everyone else gave you sound advice. Sex for women is definitely different than sex is for most men. I would advise you to find out what will happened to your relationship with her if you give into her by having sex, if this is not what you want to do too. Otherwise, ask her if she will just remain friends as you aren't into sex. If she continues pushing for sex, then you now have an "out" to leave this relationship; as your relationship probably is doomed anyway.  |
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Ghost
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Post by Ghost on Mar 15, 2004 7:10:01 GMT -5
I agree with Boblouie. I am still not sure what to do and am not convinced of the advice given so far ... That is your right, but I don't think you get it. So I will go in blunt-harsh-honest mode. You are not Mother Theresa! You have to be honest! So? Sorry, but that is not something that is very important in life. If you get it, fine, if you don't, fine too. She managed to "cope" with it years without a Valentine's card or a present right? Probably makes you feel really good about yourself... As if she needs this deceive that you think of her more then a friend. You have already scarred her by doing this scam and the longer you continue, the worse it gets. Ok..I wonder if there is a selfish aspect to this. Maybe you like the admiration she has for you, the attention and the devotion. Makes you feel good, perhaps. Feeling important and someone. Stop it. Right now. Dear Serious... You don't know how her life will continue and if she would have a boyfriend in the future! You can't tell that the whole male population will say "I see you as a friend". In fact, I know someone who has a friend who has her very first man is about to get married and she is about 50! And there is a pair that is like 80 and 90 and are going steady. There is hope.. But if you keep saying "She's mine! I will not let her go! Nyah nyah!" will wipe away any happy future for her. Keeping her as your little pet project will not help her at all. You are not a dashing hero to save her and to be the center of the universe feeling good about your great service and act of mercy. *Wimpers and if Ghost didn't knew better, Ghost would have hit head multiple times against desk* You really don't get it, do you? You don't get the female psyche at all. You see her as friend, she doesn't. So you know how it is in reality and she lives in a fantasy illusion that will never be true and is all lies. Do you think she would be happy if she knew the truth? NO! Do you think she would appreciate any of what you are doing? NOT at all! You use her! That is the truth! She will see it that way too! You are dishonest and are nothing short of a liar if you continue this relationship just because it makes you feel good to play the knight in shiny armor. Well, let me tell you this: there never existed knights that saved the virgin damsels from distress. The truth is that they were all soldiers forfortune and hire and very bloodthirsty, voilent and more. No honorable knights at all. People created the image of a heroic knight that never existed. Like you. Nope. It depends on what kind of relationship. And if they started like yours, surely they would end all at the 90% rate. *Shakes head* Do you think she will say after ending the relationship "Well, at least we had a good time"? No! Females are not like that! They will hate you and say "You lied to me and used me! How could you? I never want to speak to you again!" Get rid of that dense wall that holds back rational thinking! Perhaps. But the point is that you are selfish using her. I am very sorry to be so harsh, but you need a wake up call. She thinks that you two havce something special. She might even think that one day you two will get married! While all you think is "Poor little kitten... Here! Have a little pressie! See? Aw. It purrs so nice! If you are a good kitten I will take you out too! If you are really good and nice to me, boss will give you another present!" You just keep her hanging on, onto something that doesn't exist! (The only thing that is the difference between a Player and you, is that you have not had any sex with her...but further you're very well on your way, no, you already fit the profile). You don't see her as human. Because you are playing with her feelings and heart and couldn't care less. "Hey, as long as I have a good time!" is all you selfish think. All your relation is based on is lieing, selfishness and deceive. That is unhealthy and cruel. This is like the film "Cruel Intentions"... You are the guy, she is the blonde girl. Only you don't see the mistakes or flaws in your behavior. *Apologizes again for the hard response, but I think it is needed to get him wake up. I can't stand the injustice and the suave lieing* |
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Post by SeriousQuestion on Mar 15, 2004 8:18:38 GMT -5
OK, I've been persuaded, as you say things that might not seem so bad from a man's way of thinking seem a lot worse to a woman. I certainly wouldn't ever portray myself as a knight, just another lonely person who was hoping somehow my feelings would change after going out with the person, my instinct from the starts was to say no but I wasn't sure if that was just the fear talking. It seems the consensus is to end it now before I make things any worse, so I'll go with that.
OK my next question - what's the best way to express it? I can bet "I really thought of you more as a friend" won't go down well, but I don't know what I could say that would feel best to her and help her feel some self-esteem and view it as a chance to find someone more suited to her. It's not like I'm a player who'se used to dumping people, it's either been the other way round or we've fallen out and been obvious there's no future. That's definitely not the case here - I've enjoyed being friends with this person all along, including now, and if there's any way possible I would like to still be friends afterwards. I have been having fun, so has she, but I don't think I'll ever be in love with her in the way she wants.
Dating was her idea, not mine, and I gave it a go because I wanted her to be happy and not feel rejected yet again. I genuinely do try to think of other's needs and often place them ahead of my own, despite what people here seem to think. I know you don't believe me, but you don't you know me that well.
So the next date which would be sensible to do this is this coming Sunday. Based on people's experience as either the one ending the relationship or the one on the receiving end, what is the best way to do this? What to say and where, and what could I do to show that our friendship really does mean a lot to me? It's a genuine question so your considered opinions would be very helpful to me.
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Ghost
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Post by Ghost on Mar 15, 2004 8:52:12 GMT -5
OK, I've been persuaded, as you say things that might not seem so bad from a man's way of thinking seem a lot worse to a woman. Yep. Woman are far more emotional about such things, in most cases. Sometimes it seems like men and women think at complete different planes of existence. I am sorry that I was so hard, but sometimes it is needed if a person doesn't understand it in a tactful way. Example, if someone wants to drop out of school and it is a unwise decision and all you say won't help, you point it out from a opposite pov and the hard doom scenario to get the person realize that the issue is serious. Oh well. Everyone makes mistakes like that. Because to start a boy-girl relationship is being friends/liking each other in the first place. And when you're lonely you will be much easier to give in to dating, even when you don't think it will work. Don't worry. It was just me who was being hard to you, not the others. I don't doubt you are a nice person and I don't want to scare you away. I did whatever was needed to get you understand how severe it was to the girl. I was just being a meanie to try to get it through that it was not a good idea. If you shock people, they will be far more affected by something, if the kind way isn't effective. Like with bullies. If you tell them they hurt people, they won't stop. But if you shock them and be hard by putting them literal in the pariah's shoe's, they will get the message very loud and clear and realize it. I just needed to do the same to get my message across. Otherwise you might not see what was wrong with it. I know that you didn't date her with the intention to hurt her. No one here would do that: about all people here are very helpful and kind towards other people. You are no exception. And I indeed don't know you well enough. My sincere apology for my post. That is a tough one. Hmm. I don't think there is a large chance that you will preserve your friendship, to be frank. Tell that you don't feel the "spark" that should be present between lovers.. Ehm..oh dear. I am blank in options to bring it tactful. Maybe I worked myself too much up in bluntness in my previous post to think of something useful |
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Post by CaryGrant on Mar 15, 2004 12:22:50 GMT -5
I used to think there were big differences between male and female views of what sex meant, but after going out with several women who were quite happy to dive into bed with no expectations of love (they initiated, not me), I now I try to treat each person as an individual.
What really seems to matter is the other person's feelings, regardless of gender. If she is crazy about you, then she will see Valentine's Day cards and sex and all kinds of other things as indicative that you have similar feelings for her. Given that you know you do not have those feelings for her, it is misleading to do those things that make her think you do.
I find dating to be a bit difficult because of this - I want to do nice things for the person, and I am trying to stop doing what shy people commonly do - look for "instant chemistry." However, does that mean no kissing or signs of affection, physical or otherwise, until you "know" whether this person is for you? Really, you don't know for months, maybe a year.
And what is the extent of your responsibility to protect the other person from themselves? These women that I mentioned, they were thinking that sex would be fun, and it didn't occur to them that physical intimacy might cause ME to have feelings. And they probably would have expected me to say something if that were the case.
None of this says it's ok to take advantage of someone. If you KNOW she has strong feelings for you that are not reciprocated, then you have a responsibility to ask her how sex will affect that, and to not mislead her into thinking you have those same feelings.
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Post by Boblouie58 on Mar 15, 2004 23:43:52 GMT -5
Serious- its never easy to end any kind of relationship and expecting this ending to go well in that you will continue to be friends is pushing the envelope. Its not to say, that as time passes in a few years that you won't cross paths again somewhere and be friends, but friends totally different than now. Good luck as you end your relationship. She will get over you and you will get over her. Dating is about finding a girl who likes you and you like her to do "whatever" together. There is "no point" in continuing to date a girl when you know there is no future. End it now before you really screw it up. You don't have a dilemna...you have a disaster coming. |
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Post by Oakley on Mar 16, 2004 1:08:51 GMT -5
Seriously, you give us no mention of the age of each of you. Would you mind telling us what your age is and your g/f's?
Being lonely is no excuse for leading one of you on when one of you isn't particularily interested in the other. This definitely is not only cruel but not becoming of you.
I certainly would trust the advice being given to you to end your relationship as quickly as possible and maybe before Saturday. Parting b/c of whatever reason is not easy and don't let the tears bother you. Stay firm and move on.
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Post by Alecto on Mar 16, 2004 8:56:17 GMT -5
I believe you should end things with her. It is very selfish to string this poor girl along just because you're lonely. If you want to remain friends do that, but don't pretend you have feelings or care for her if you in fact don't.
Try looking for a girl, that you do care about and are interested in dating.
I would be totally crushed and pissed off if I ever found out my boyfriend was just using me to say he had somebody
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