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Post by Paulinus on Nov 12, 2006 15:15:12 GMT -5
Good thread ;D
From Police Squad:
Dutch Gunderson: Who are you and how did you get in here? Frank Drebin: I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith.
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Post by gSteve on Nov 12, 2006 16:33:37 GMT -5
from Seinfeld
Jerry: You're crazy. Kramer: Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind? Jerry: It's impossible. Kramer: Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top? Jerry: It can't be. Kramer: Can't it? Or is your entire world crashing down all around you?
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Kramer: Well... Newman jumped last night. Jerry: What?! Did you talk to him? What did you say? Kramer: I said "Wave when you pass my window".
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Kramer (to George's large nosed girlfriend): You're as pretty as those girls, you just need a nose job!
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Jerry: What you're suggesting is illegal. Kramer: It's not illegal! Jerry: It's against the law. Kramer: Well, yeah.
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Kramer (breaking up with his girlfriend): "I must've been out of my mind! Look at you. Why don't you do something with your life? You sit around here all day. You contribute nothing to society. You're just taking up space. How could I be with someone like you? I wouldn't respect myself."
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George: I've driven women to lesbianism before but never to a mental institution.
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Estelle: "I go out for a quart of milk. I come home and find my son treating his body like it was an amusement park!"
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Jerry: Father, I'm afraid that Tim Whatley has converted to Judaism pure for the jokes. Priest: And this offends you as a Jewish person? Jerry: No, it offends me as a comedian!
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Kramer: [While in the sauna] Whew. It's like a sauna in here.
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George: You don't think she'd yada yada sex do you? Elaine: I've yada yada'd sex before. I met this guy. We went out. I had the lobster bisque. We went back to his place. And yada yada. Never heard from him again. Jerry: but you skipped over the best part. Elaine: No, I mentioned the bisque.
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andy83
Junior Member
Posts: 92
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Post by andy83 on Nov 12, 2006 17:07:44 GMT -5
So many Arrested Development quotes, where to start
Lucille: What's a Forget-Me-Now?
Gob: They're pills that create a sort of temporary forgettingness. So if somebody finds out how you do a trick, you just give 'em one of these, and they forget the whole thing. It's a mainstay of the magician's toolkit, like how clowns always have a rag soaked in ether.
Tobias Fünke: Gob, this is Flunitrazepam. It's a roofie.
Lucille: Those are illegal.
Gob: Shut up, Mom. Don't make me give you another one of these.
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Wife of Gob: I'm in love with your brother-in-law.
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: You're in love with your own brother? The one in the army?
Wife of Gob: No. Your sister's husband.
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: Michael? Michael.
Wife of Gob: No. That's your sister's brother.
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: No, I'm my sister's brother.You're in love with me? Me.
Wife of Gob: I'm in love with Tobias.
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: My brother-in-law?
Wife of Gob: I know it can never be, so I'm leaving. I'm enlisting in the army.
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: To be with your brother?
Wife of Gob: No.
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Post by skyhint on Nov 12, 2006 17:45:27 GMT -5
"Daily, nightly, and ever so rightly"
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Post by gSteve on Nov 13, 2006 13:36:34 GMT -5
from Red Dwarf
Kryten "Well, Space Corps Directive 195 clearly states that in an emergency power situation, a holo-grammatic crew member must lay down his life in order that the living crew members might survive." Rimmer "Yes, but Rimmer Directive 271 states just as clearly, "No chance you metal bastard." " -------------
Kryten "They've taken Mr Rimmer! Sir, they've taken Mr Rimmer!" Cat "Quick! Let's get out of here before they bring him back!"
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Kryten Sir, I beg you to reconsider. If not for your sanity, you haven't even considered the moral implications of your decision. You will be joining a society where you will be compelled to have sex with beautiful, brilliant women, twice daily, on demand. Now, am I really the only one here who finds that just a little bit tacky?…[pause]…apparently I am. --------------
Look, I'm not much good at big speeches, and I know I haven't always been an easy guy to get on with, and I know, that given the choice, I wouldn't have chosen you as friends, but I just want to say, that over the years, I have come to regard you as people I met. - Rimmer’s farewell speech --------------
Rimmer "Step up to red alert. " Kryten "Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb. --------------
Rimmer Open communications channels Lister. Broadcast on all known frequencies, and in all known languages, including Welsh. --------------
Rimmer "That's it. I'm invoking space corp directive 68250." Kryten " 68250? But sir, surely thats impossible without at least one live chicken and a rabbi." Rimmer "Forget it. Forget I was ever born." Kryten "But sir, I'm very happy to perform the ceremony, but I'm bewildered as to how sacrificing poultry will clear up the screen problem." ---------------
Cat "There's an old Cat saying: ‘ If you're gonna eat tuna, expect bones.’ " Rimmer "There's an old human saying: ‘ If you're gonna talk garbage, expect pain.’ "
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CAT: What? Am I the only sane one here? Why don't we drop the defensive shields? KRYTEN: A superlative suggestion, sir, with just two minor flaws. One, we don't have any defensive shields, and two, we don't have any defensive shields. Now I realise that, technically speaking, that's only one flaw but I thought it was such a big one it was worth mentioning twice ---------------
Newsreader Good evening. Here is the news on Friday, the 27th of Geldof. Archeologists near mount Sinai have discovered what is believed to be a missing page from the Bible. The page is currently being carbon dated in Bonn. If genuine it belongs at the beginning of the Bible and is believed to read "To my darling Candy. All characters portrayed within this book are fictitous and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental." The page has been universally condemned by church leaders. -----------------
Rimmer Why don't you smegging-well smeg off, you annoying little smeggy smegging smegger!
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Post by Paulinus on Nov 13, 2006 15:32:33 GMT -5
Father Ted quotes:
Ted: So there he is. Risen from the dead. Like that feller.... E.T. -----------
Ted: Fascists dress in black and go around telling people what to do, whereas priests... more drink! ------------
Father Ted: Maybe he's agrophobic. Father Dougal: Jack scared of fighting? I don't think so, Ted. -----------
Dougal: I'm not surprised Ted. If I was a sheep. I'd be watching my back right now. Ted: Why? Dougal: Because of the beast. They say it's as big as four cats, and it's got a retractable leg so as it can leap up at you better and you know what Ted, it lights up at night, and it's got four ears. Two of them are for listening and the other two are kind of back-up ears, and it's claws are as big as cups and for some reason it's got a tremendous fear of stamps and Mrs. Doyle was tellin' me that it's got magnets on it's tail so's if you're made out of metal it can attach itself to you, and instead of a mouth it's got four arses
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Post by skyhint on Nov 14, 2006 22:45:10 GMT -5
Not from a TV show but funny
"Looking leads to liking, liking leads to loving, and loving leads to fucking. So quit looking at me Private because I ain't fucking you!"
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Post by skyhint on Nov 14, 2006 22:51:56 GMT -5
I must also add There's too much violence in the world... Ban hugging today!
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Post by HybridMoment on Nov 14, 2006 23:33:58 GMT -5
From "The Office" (US version) Dwight Schrute: Would I ever leave this company? Look, I'm all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I'm being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly, I'm going wherever they value loyalty the most. From "Arrested Development" George Michael Bluth: Oh, my God. It's your mom and gangee. 'Maebe' Funke: What are they doing here? George Michael Bluth: They're adults. They're allowed to have fun whenever they want. We're kids, we're supposed to work. Narrator: While on the set of Wrench, Tobias had snuck into the costume closet and disguised himself as an English nanny in an attempt to see his daughter and prove to his wife he had what it took to become a successful actor. It was the exact same plot as Mrs. Doubtfire... Tobias Fünke: [after Lindsay answers the door] Why, hellooo. My name is Mrs. Phlyddia Featherbottom, the agency sent me over. Lindsay Funke: Uh... I didn't contact any agency. Tobias Fünke: But I can cook and clean and even take care of the little ones. In fact, if it comes in handy... I can sing a song or two... Narrator: And maybe a little Mary Poppins to throw in the mix... Tobias Fünke: A squirt of frosting down the throat helps to take your medication / In the most delicious way... Gob's puppet Franklin Delano Bluth and his "Franklin Comes Alive" cd were also hilarious. I can't believe that show was cancelled
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Post by Scotty on Nov 24, 2006 14:36:54 GMT -5
Doctor Who
Slitheen: And who are you, if not human? Harriet Jones: Who's not human? Rose Tyler: He's not human. The Doctor: Can I have a bit of hush? Harriet Jones: Sorry [to Rose] Harriet Jones: But he's got a Northern accent! Rose Tyler: Lots of planets have a North The Doctor: I said hush!
The Doctor: [cornered by the Empty Children with Rose and Capatain Jack] Go to your room. Captain Jack Harkness: [to Rose] What's he doing? The Doctor: Go to your room! I'm very cross with you! Go... to... your... *room*! [the Empty Children lower their heads and leave] The Doctor: I'm glad that worked. Those would have been terrible last words.
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Post by theinfiniteabyss84 on Nov 24, 2006 19:26:11 GMT -5
Scrubs Quotes
JD: "My first day off in weeks and one thing could make it better...crankin up the Toto *sings Toto song*"
Dr. Cox : "Wrong wrong wrong wrong....wrong wrong wrong wrong....your wrong...your wrong...your wrong!"
~ia
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Awake
Junior Member
Posts: 94
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Post by Awake on Nov 24, 2006 21:14:09 GMT -5
from Black Books
Bernard: Look at his face. I bet his cornflakes try to crawl out of the bowl.
Manny: I'll go, seeing as it's all over between us. I'll write. Bernard: I won't read it. Manny: Well, I'll call. Bernard: I'll hang up. Manny: I'll come and see you. Bernard: I'll be dead by then.
Fran: Okay, if I told you that the walls of my flat were actually moving in, would you think that I was strange? Bernard: No, I'd ask you to come 'round and look after my small children.
Fran: Do you know that in Tibet when they want something they give something away? Bernard: Do they? That must be why they're such a dominant global power.
Bernard: He's a midget. A tiny midget. Manny: What if he overheard? Bernard: He won't. His ears are too small.
Fran: Do you know nothing about modern culture, Bernard? Beckham, Posh, Pokemon... Bernard: Pacman. It's pronounced Pacman.
Manny: Do you think I should wash my beard? Bernard: I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.
Manny: Aww, no-one ever rings me these days. Bernard: Yes, it's a mystery isn't it. What with you owning your own sandals and having an egg in your beard.
Evan: I took a risk when I hired you, Manny. Many people would have said 'Who is this rudderless hippy? How do I get away from him? Has he got a hunting knife strapped to his shin?'
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Post by Paulinus on Nov 26, 2006 17:00:45 GMT -5
From Blackadder:
Ludwig : "You find yourself amusing, Herr Blackadder ? " Blackadder: "I try not to fly in the face of public opinion... "
Blackadder: We're in the stickiest situation since Sticky the Stick Insect got stuck on a sticky bun.
Blackadder: "Baldrick, your brain is like the four headed, man-eating haddock fish beast of Aberdeen" Baldrick: "In what way? " Blackadder:"It doesn't exist "
Blackadder: Something is always wrong, Balders. The fact that I am not a millionaire aristocrat with the sexual capacity of a rutting rhino is a constant niggle.
Blackadder: Baldrick, you wouldn't recognize a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on a harpsicord singing 'subtle plans are here again'.
George: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do ?" Blackadder: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."
Queen: Oh, Edmund... I do love it when you get cross. Sometimes I think about having you executed just to see the expression on your face
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Awake
Junior Member
Posts: 94
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Post by Awake on Nov 28, 2006 2:56:29 GMT -5
haha, the last two are fantastic. i really need to get some blackadder, heard so much about it.
heres a few from Futurama:
Leela: Oh, God, not Zapp Brannigan. Dr. Zoidberg: You know Zapp Brannigan? Leela: Let's just say we've crossed paths. Bender: Was that before or after you slept with him?
Fry: Okay, you're on a date. What's the first thing you do? Dr. Zoidberg: Ask her to mate with me. Fry: No, tell her she's special. Dr. Zoidberg: But she's not, she's merely the female with the largest clutch of eggs. Fry: Well, tell her that. And then what? Dr. Zoidberg: Then mating. Fry: No, make up some feelings and tell her you have them. Dr. Zoidberg: Is desire to mate a feeling? Fry: Ugh, you're not even trying. Dr. Zoidberg: Ohhh, it's all so complicated, with the flowers, and the romance, and the lies upon lies.
Zapp Brannigan: One day, a man has everything. Then the next day, he blows up a billion dollar space station. And then the next day, he has nothing. Makes you think, huh, Kipp?
Zapp Brannigan: If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominos will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.
Fry: Its just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long the grasshopper kept burying acorns for winter while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. Then the winter came, and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all his acorns and also he got a racecar. Is any of this getting through to you?
Leela: I'm sorry you had to see that, Fry. Usually I keep my sadness pent up inside where it can fester quietly as a mental illness. Fry: Yeah. That's what I do with my stupidness.
Bender: Today, I've personalized each of your meals. For example, Amy, you're cute. So I've baked you a pony.
Leela: Are you saying I'm going crazy? Professor Farnsworth: No, no, no, no. No one's saying that. But I'm certainly thinking it loudly.
Zapp Brannigan: Rock crushes scissors. But paper covers rock! And scissors cuts paper! Kiff, we have a conundrum. Search them for paper! And, bring me a rock!
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Post by theinfiniteabyss84 on Nov 28, 2006 21:43:41 GMT -5
That is an awesome quote
Another Scrubs quote
J.D. : What do you hate the most about the holidays? Carla : Wrapping presents. You? J.D. : My faamillyy.
~ia
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