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Post by deadendphilosopher on Dec 25, 2008 20:56:51 GMT -5
For the past few months I have been working hard to build confidence and shape the life I really want to live. Progress on certain issues (like social anxiety) is very slow, so it's hard to tell if I'm becoming more confident around people I don't really know. However the other night this person I don't know well gave me this compliment about my potential in a certain area, but also made a comment about "when you do that shy thing" - indicating that the "shy thing" is a barrier to expressing that potential. My first (inner) reaction was, "what do you mean 'when I 'do' that shy thing?' I am shy, that's the person I am at this point."
But then I started think about it and I realized that while I am shy, I have made significant progress in terms of how I feel around people, but this progress is developing very unevenly - I feel much more relaxed in some areas which I used to have a lot of trouble with, but in other areas little has changed yet. However because little has changed in some of those areas, I am not fully expressing the confidence I feel in the areas where there has been a lot of growth. Instead I am hiding behind my habituated mask of shyness when underneath I'm not really feeling shy in that way. I think this is because I always assumed that decrease in SA would happen evenly in all areas at once. I think I'm afraid that by showing my newfound confidence and letting go of what has become a persona in some areas, rather than a reality, I will loose the right to the excuse that "I'm just shy." That would be really scary because I AM still incredibly shy, just not in every aspect that I used to be. Also, expressing my new confidence is a step into the unknown.
I always thought that as I started to feel more confident it would naturally express itself, and that is definitely true to an extent, but I am realizing that I also need to consciously decide to express my confidence in order to break my old habits. I'm curious if anyone else has had (or is having) this experience, and if so how did you/are you managing it?
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Post by rukryM on Dec 26, 2008 6:21:53 GMT -5
Being able to hide underneath your shell can be a good thing, but might turn out worse than you would believe. If you constantly seek shelter inside that shell you end up not being able to do anything that is unorthodox or "out of your comfort zone", inhibiting you from maybe getting to know new people and discover new sides of yourself.
Though it's hard not to that shyness excuse anymore, you can simply tell people if they ask you to come with them for anything that you won't because it's not something you like to do and you don't want to waste your time on nothing. Besides, everyone, shy or non-shy sometimes get that "don't-feel-like-doing-it-today-attitude". Sure, getting started can be hard and it may require a foot in your ass, but it sometimes can turn out pretty well too. That's why I think you should seize all possibilites that come along which lead you into something new. That being said, you shouldn't strive for it either, just take whatever comes along.
And surely enough, expressing your confidence will help you, but it won't solve your problems. It just makes it easier for you dealing with social situations you previously looked at as issues. In the end, you cannot change the very basis of who you are; maybe you're shy in some areas simply because you dislike those environments? And less shy in other areas beacause you feel they apply to you?
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Post by Sweet Pea on Dec 26, 2008 12:00:16 GMT -5
i never found shyness to be an excuse for anything. has anyone ever accepted it as an excuse from you? nobody has ever cut me any slack that i know of. if anything, they've been harder on me because i wasn't measuring up.
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Post by rukryM on Dec 26, 2008 13:32:14 GMT -5
i never found shyness to be an excuse for anything. Not entering social situations because one feels uncomfortable there?
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Post by Sweet Pea on Dec 26, 2008 19:47:11 GMT -5
i never found shyness to be an excuse for anything. Not entering social situations because one feels uncomfortable there? of course you can make the excuse, but what i'm saying is that no one i've known would ever accept it as an excuse.
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Post by rukryM on Dec 27, 2008 10:38:42 GMT -5
Not entering social situations because one feels uncomfortable there? of course you can make the excuse, but what i'm saying is that no one i've known would ever accept it as an excuse. That's inhuman and shows they lack sympathy and will to understand how another person's mind works.
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Post by madiocre on Dec 27, 2008 21:48:41 GMT -5
no i don't think its inhuman at all people will only take the excuse "im shy" for so long befor they decide to move on , most people don't have a full will to understand others and understanding others doeasnt necesarily mean you accept them .
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Post by madiocre on Dec 27, 2008 21:54:47 GMT -5
For the past few months I have been working hard to build confidence and shape the life I really want to live. Progress on certain issues (like social anxiety) is very slow, so it's hard to tell if I'm becoming more confident around people I don't really know. However the other night this person I don't know well gave me this compliment about my potential in a certain area, but also made a comment about "when you do that shy thing" - indicating that the "shy thing" is a barrier to expressing that potential. My first (inner) reaction was, "what do you mean 'when I 'do' that shy thing?' I am shy, that's the person I am at this point." But then I started think about it and I realized that while I am shy, I have made significant progress in terms of how I feel around people, but this progress is developing very unevenly - I feel much more relaxed in some areas which I used to have a lot of trouble with, but in other areas little has changed yet. However because little has changed in some of those areas, I am not fully expressing the confidence I feel in the areas where there has been a lot of growth. Instead I am hiding behind my habituated mask of shyness when underneath I'm not really feeling shy in that way. I think this is because I always assumed that decrease in SA would happen evenly in all areas at once. I think I'm afraid that by showing my newfound confidence and letting go of what has become a persona in some areas, rather than a reality, I will loose the right to the excuse that "I'm just shy." That would be really scary because I AM still incredibly shy, just not in every aspect that I used to be. Also, expressing my new confidence is a step into the unknown. I always thought that as I started to feel more confident it would naturally express itself, and that is definitely true to an extent, but I am realizing that I also need to consciously decide to express my confidence in order to break my old habits. I'm curious if anyone else has had (or is having) this experience, and if so how did you/are you managing it? i can understand this issue so well . i have found now i have made a progress but its only around certain settings inwhich i feel i am outgoing..etc and trying to tell people from those setting that i do have shyness issues they seem to not be able to believe me and vise versa the change is hard to understand at times i know i still have the shyness but i also have changed as a person and it often seems mlike my self concept ghasnt caught onto the change that i have made yet .
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