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Post by shynesssucks on Mar 30, 2009 23:39:15 GMT -5
sigh. life is scary and so hard why is it that it seems so simple for a select few there's a family that is a friend of our family all the kids in that household are so accomplished and life seems so easy for them..
i wish for once something would be easy for me. seems like when life is easier for me i do something to screw it up and make it more difficult for myself. dear god, make things easy again and i won't do anything to mess it up again
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Post by shynesssucks on Mar 31, 2009 2:57:19 GMT -5
realize that i'm going through alot of changes as a person and how i view life. i've heard plenty of times from parents that life is a tough road and didn't really pay too much attention but i find out it is really tough ..every aspect of life seems like an uphill struggle and careful planning is absolutely necessary.. asking questions and learning constantly..looking out for future hurdles that you may come across and preparing for them immediately is absolutely crucial if you don't want to find yourself in poop.
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Post by shynesssucks on Mar 31, 2009 13:42:31 GMT -5
i highly recommend for people to keep a journal like i'm doing here. a friend of mine says she does it and re-reads what she had written to analyze her "reflection". sometimes we get caught up in our emotions, join the bandwagon, compete for things, walk blindly towards something we think we want without really knowing ourselves.
write down your thoughts and look at them and you may learn something about yourself. ask yourself what am i doing this for? what am i fighting for? what am i going to get out of this?
i like keeping a journal online because it is anynomous and keeping a diary would be too risky for i fear that someone i may might read it. my deepest/darkest/most retarded thoughts are poured out on here and that's a good thing it allows me to release the crazies that's within me so i can be normal in real life.
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Post by shynesssucks on Apr 1, 2009 0:55:38 GMT -5
there's pills for everything. i wish there was a pill that could make me perfect in everyway possible. i'd even settle for a combination of pills that would make me the most perfect person anyone could be... not really being serious there (i don't think i am )
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Post by shynesssucks on Apr 1, 2009 15:30:00 GMT -5
well im T-15 days before I face this beast of an exam. I've been drinking alot of energy drinks lately. It's not exactly healthy but I am sacrificing my health for school what can i say. I went to the pharmacy last night and I bought a few cans of redbull and some cans of monster. I really like monster the most. I've tried rockstar and I find it makes me more anxious than anything else. The rockstar can says limit 1 per day whereas the monster says the limit is 2. Well, definitely would not drink 2 cans of monster especially being tiny i am sure i'd drop dead or something. while at the pharmacy i walked through the supplement section and picked up a bottle of ginseng. I guess it's known to be mainly used as an aphrodisiac for males but on the bottle it said anti-fatigue and anti-stress in big red letters and that is exactly what i need. i spoke to the pharmacist there about what she thought about it and she said that i could give it a try. alot of drug interactions are associated with this product but i am not taking any prescription drugs so i should be fine. the energy drinks that i drink all have ginseng in it but a google search tells me it's at subclinical levels. besides the energy drinks have other things like caffeine and i want to see if the ginseng itself will be beneficial for me because i think the caffeine makes me anxious. being already prone to anxiety i don't want to keep downing such high doses of caffeine. it makes me anxious and socially-retarded. i've noticed anxiety is good when it comes to my books but it really isn't that beneficial overall sometimes what you know is not as important as how much you can relay to others of the little you know ive taken a couple of the pills already one for breakfast and one for lunch. it suggest taking one pill 3 times a day. not feeling any different right now at all. i remember after taking only the first pill of st. john's wort i felt something within minutes. i'll have to see if there is any change in the upcoming few days.
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Post by shynesssucks on Apr 1, 2009 16:24:04 GMT -5
must remember to consider the following:
1. distance 2. parking 3. laundry facilities? 4. internet access
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Post by shynesssucks on Apr 2, 2009 1:54:17 GMT -5
....
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Post by shynesssucks on Apr 2, 2009 3:35:35 GMT -5
I think i'll have a very busy year coming up and it'll probably go by fast but tonight I had a sudden fear that i'll feel alone. I have plans to move in with a new roommate. Not too sure how that'll go down. She seems nice. She is very popular. She is a few years older and seems very sweet. I say seems because actually i've maybe only spoken to her in person a few times. Mostly it was communication over facebook or watching her with other people.
I hate it when I suddenly get scared about something. It must be my anxiety. I also often miss my ex but i've started to more often picture that imaginary line i am never to cross for the fear the world will blow up or i will blow up or the earth beneath my feet will crumble if i cross that line.
I have no idea where i'll be in the next few years and i don't see myself meeting anyone new (romantically that is). Even if I did meet someone great I don't think it would be fair to them to get involved. I'm not the type to get into something without thinking about the consequences (not anymore atleast).
So, I guess that is my reality. I'm facing it without denying any of it. I see it as it is now.
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Post by shynesssucks on Apr 2, 2009 17:54:30 GMT -5
I have to admit i tend to over-think/obsess in my mind over things and get anxious easily. I think if you are that type of person you can turn that personality towards a good cause. I think you can find something that interests you and get completely involved in it and let that energy be fruitful.
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Post by shynesssucks on Apr 3, 2009 0:06:53 GMT -5
went to the mall today and saw something that kind of made me happy to be single. geez somethings a girl will do/how far theyll go to pleast their man..tsk tsk..been there done that in my own way
anyway there was a super duper skinny girl and i'm going to say she is anorexic just because i feel judgemental today even though i may self is pretty skinny.
there's a difference though between skinny and looks ill and skinny and looks healthy. ive been told that i have the skinny/looks healthy look since i don't really starve myself..well, im not anorexic...anyway..she was with her boyfriend which i figure was the motivation behind starving herself. all that work she puts into herself for her boyfriend and i found the guy checking me out..i was definitely not dressed up or anything
i've been in that situation before. i would spend hours thinking about what to wear/to buy how to put my hair all that crap only to hear a comment about how he noticed what another girl was wearing or watch him check out another girl right in front of me who would be dressed in crappy clothes...ouch!
i felt sorry for this girl and it made me happy that i'm no longer having to try so hard to be accepted someone who never loved me.
obviously, i don't know anything about this girl and i could probably be completely wrong about everything. i mean "guys look" is what the saying is isn't it.. oh well, atleast it helps me to think of it like that...
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Post by shynesssucks on Apr 3, 2009 1:03:04 GMT -5
going out and meeting people is easier if you are going with people than if you are going by yourself. ive been very unproductive today and my mind wondered off to a time when i remembered trying to join a group of people and tried to talk to them and even though i had alot to say i was pretty much ignored.
i found that after i started taking the supplements and i was able to socialize with my roommates i started to hang out with them.
i find that on most occasions roommates tend to hang out with eachother unless you some how isolate yourself from them..you would probably do things like walk to clas together, go grocery shopping ..you know the usual things...
i started to do the usual things with my roommates and i found that people would smile more approach me more when they started seeing e communicate with others. these are the very same people that completely ignored my existence.
well it could be either that the pills helped me relax and appear less stressed out so i didn't give off a "don't talk to me" vibe anymore or the fact they saw me with other people made them realize i wasn't an alien. it could have been both.
i suggest you hang out with anyone that is close to you and not by yourself and get use to just being around people no matter who they are and slowly increase that number..well, that is if you want to.
if you aren't looking for change and are happy being the way you are do what makes you happy.
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Post by shynesssucks on Apr 5, 2009 3:02:20 GMT -5
Alright i blew it tonight i crossed my line i was never to cross. I crossed it and danced around and even did some cartwheels on the forbidden side.
I blame have a few things to blame for it. For one, I am terrible at maintaining balance in my life. Maintaining a schedule with relaxation+work. I don't plan out a realistic schedule for my tasks. This is how my planning goes. 24 hours a day 24x60min=1440 min in a day. So I'll do 720 practice questions today giving myself 2 min per question. Oh but I don't necessarily need 2 min per question for some maybe I can squeeze in some review of previous days work. Oh also, if I have time I should maybe read a head on whatever.
Ofcourse I get up later than what I had planned the day before by a several hours and then check my email, check my forums and do a question and then check email and check forums and eat something then check email and the check forums.
So by the end of the day i find myself royally screwed and get stressed out for not having accomplished something that would have been impossible to accomplish in the first place.
Then, there's that constant nagging thought in my head about my ex. Thinking back to all the events in the past and what may happen when/if I run into him. I seriously think it is suffocating and I can not breathe.
All in all I'm a mess right now. I feel like an 80 year old my joints are stiff and they snap/crackle/pop when I move.
I need to schedule in a half hour of yoga or something.
Barricading myself behind this line isn't helping because there's a chance I might cross it and I can't make a fool out of myself anymore.
I crossed it today one of the reasons being is the above -being under stress mostly my own fault. Secondly since I've been pretty much carrying about like a robot not expressing my feelings not watching tv or listening to music that might mess with my emotions and make me break . Today however, my dad was being annoying and I decided that I'd plug into some music on my head phones and I think I let myself sort of relax and feel the music and it made me cry and as I let myself be vulnerable all hell broke loose.
Tomorrows plan realize that i'm human and I need to schedule a half-hour of yoga. so plan is only 610 questions tomorrow.
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Post by shynesssucks on Apr 6, 2009 0:36:02 GMT -5
i just need to whine. it's not easy being me. i stress too much. i wish i would not give a crap about anything or anyone. i wish i'd stop thinking about the past and stop getting all emotional over it every now and then. i don't think it's the world it's me that makes life more difficult for myself. ever since i was younger there was one thing or another that would cause me to stress out. as a child i had alot of anxiety with the thought of even going to school. no, nobody was outright mean to me but the anxiety would be so much i'd even throw up in the morning before going to school. this went on until i was about 7years old. one good thing about my personality being unsocial in the middle school years is that because i didn't have any friends i didn't get into trouble. when you're that age you don't really think and you find yourself in a mess through peer pressure or what not. mostly the kids just left me alone never bothered me. **** anyway, i need to not give a crap but have to show on the outside that i really do give a crap. i need to smile and remain enthusiastic without people getting under my skin. i think that is the key to succss
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Post by shynesssucks on Apr 6, 2009 4:29:52 GMT -5
think about it? do you really want him? ofcourse not. that would be like pigs flying. so many things would need to be undone for that to ever happen. i just think it's unfair. i don't see him suffering at all. how does a person do that to another human being? how long am i going to think about him? i can't imagine still thinking of him when im 50. wish i could grab him and shake him. shaken-ex syndrome. except he's alot bigger than i am am i going through a mid-life crisis or something. trying to picture what my future will be like. it could go either way. i hope it turns out well because i'm working hard. well, trying to work hard. mentally, physically worn out though. i need a week off to just do nothing but sleep..
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Post by nelo on Apr 6, 2009 13:57:58 GMT -5
I wish I could sleep when I wanted to...one small note, do not try melatonin pills, it'll only make you sleepy and will not do anything else (if you have insomnia).
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