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Post by shynesssucks on Sept 2, 2009 19:13:58 GMT -5
Thanks for thinking of me strawberry. Funny how you kind of get to know people on these threads.
I am kind of annoyed with myself for a few things it all really has to do with procrastination and laziness, not being on top of things.
There's some mixup with the rent. My roommate claims I had not paid my half of the month for last month. I wish she would just deposit the check I gave her so that I could look at my statement and confirm that in fact I had paid it. This problem could have been solved though if I just wrote the check on time but I being busy with other things had not gotten around to it. Damn, it's still my responsibility to do things on time and I'm tired of making stupid excuses and in the end there's some confusion that will end up costing more money.
Like another example is yesterday when I was at my brother's place in the next state over. I was there visiting him for the first time. If I had only carefully reviewed the map, taken a few extra mins it would have saved me an hour getting lost on the highway in the middle of the night driving in the general direction until something looked familar because I was too afraid to exit the highway to stop for directions.
I have this fear that if I'm lost on the road and I take an exit to look for a gas station that I will end up exiting into an abandoned road, drive for hours and hours, without anyone in sight, run out of gas, my cellphone will have no signal and I will probably at that point have to wait it out hoping someone would come by until I died or get out of the car and walk to find something to eat and get eaten alive a bear or die in some other horrendous way. Anyway, so I just knew I needed to head north and east so I took exits that said N and exits that said E and found myself 15 miles from where I live and from that point it was easy to find my way home. GPS would have paid for itself when considering the gas money and count-less hours i've been lost on the road. I am not that dumb it's just that where I live they don't have any street signs on some of these roads. Not that the signs are small. No, they just don't have them. Being new to the area on top of that it makes it that much more difficult.
Ya so I went to visit my younger brother who just started his graduate school. It was such a random trip. I was at barnes & noble the other night and suddenly I thought I'll go visit my brother. He just moved there so I haven't been there before to visit him. So I called him and he didn't pick up. I went online around 1am and I saw that he had left a message saying it would be ok and the times he would be home durign the day. At 1 am , I decided I would leave very very early, 5am, to avoid traffic and just to get there early and have the full day to explore and return at night.
Well, I still needed to shower and pack a little bit, then I needed to maybe a sleep just a little bit. I thought about all that I needed to do and the possibility that I might not even be able to sleep and I'd be so tired and by morning I might change my mind about going. Instead, I packed and headed out the door at 3am.. Which before would seem crazy to me but I did that for work, left for work in the middle of the night hoping I wouldn't get mugged in the dark on the way out while getting into my car.
I drove for a few hours and without any problems along the way I got there by 5am. I tried calling my brother but he wasn't picking up. I waited outside his door, not ringing the doorbell because I didn't want to wake up his roommates so early in the morning. It was about 6am when he called me and then I was let in.
I actually drove by his apartment complex 3 times, once went into the parking lot, then I left, thinking wow, this place is way too nice, he doesn't actually live here does he!!! The lobby had a nice hotel lobby feel to it. The rooms were huge. He said he had to go to class so I slept there while he was in class. He returned at noon. We had beef curry (my mom had sent some with him in a cooler), with korean squid and sea weed (one of his roommate is asian) , a very strange combination indeed but I do like variety.. I had not met his roommates until later that night but apparently they share food so I am guessing that's how they eat, a mix of cultural dishes...
Anyway, so when my brother got home at noon I ate there and left on my own to do some sight-seeing. He had to return to school in the afternoon. That got me thinking about why I felt so weird about going out on my own in the city I live in. I loved spending the day just driving, walking around taking pictures. It was actually relaxing being by myself.
I visited his campus, which was gorgeous. I drove downtown, so some beautiful buildings, historic sights. I also went to the mall and did a little bit of shopping.
When I got back to his apartment. He had gotten back from school and was napping by the time I got there. I woke him up. His roommates were in their own roooms. My brother went out into the hall and he started talking to his roommates. I heard him say "do you guys want to meet my sister". That got me all tense. I hate meeting new people. It's so very awkward.
Ofcourse they dropped in to say hello and they could obviously see that I was not interested in meeting them but tried to say a few words to me regardless, then left me alone. Later I heard two girls come into their apartment. They were some classmates that lived in the building. Again, meeting the two girls was a terrible chore for me. I was tugging on my hair, just answering what ever question they asked and cowered in my seat until they left. Well, I'll never have to see them again. It's not like I'll be visiting my brother that often anyway so I don't care too much that I made a fool out of myself. All I can say is that I'm tired of my stupid problems. I know everyone has problems, of one type or another but I wish I had problems that would be less apparent to others. Yes, I am shy but I wish I was good at hiding it. I wish I could talk and not freeze up.
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Post by shynesssucks on Sept 9, 2009 22:25:36 GMT -5
I've started to take kava this past week. Those of you who have tried it are probably aware of the rare but serious complication of the liver so make sure to read the label carefully if you decide to take it. Depending on the potency of the particular brand you buy your dose will vary.
I like it so far. So let me just first tell you how I really am without it and how it changes me when I am on it by a particular scenario. So, first thing, being not having taken Kava, me laying in bed one morning looking around my room and realizing how untidy it is. I will lay there and plan out, actually start to visualize myself cleaning. Planning out the details of what I should clean first, how I will clean it, things I need to wash. Instead of getting up and getting the task done I will think to myself oh, I guess I'll have to shower after I clean the apartment because after sweeping or mopping or what not I'll be dirty. I will think about how long it will take me in the shower, a whole 30 min. I will think, ok but I probably need to cook to. Well there's alot of planning and I am still in bed btw, and nothing getting done, the clock is ticking. I am getting stressed out that I am laying there procrastinating. I also have other thoughts about my lack of money and how much I have spent. Yet I do not stop spending and do nothing to earn money. Basically my stress builds and nothing gets resolved. Second scenario, I am taking kava, I look around my room is untidy, I get up and clean the room. I also have started to during my free time get free furniture, items and repair, refinish them and resell them to resolve money issues. I have recently joined a group on the internet that connects people for friendship. It's not a dating service and that's what I've been looking for, for a long time. Having moved to this new area and already very shy, I needed a little help from a site that brings together people that are actually looking to meet new people. So, I signed up last week and today after work I attended a happy hour. I talked to a few people and exchanged numbers with a few people. I was not drinking because it being a wednesday night, and I have to work in the morning. I was told by a girl that I was quiet. I find that I get quiet in loud environments where people are talking. I basically just start listening as I were sitting in a lecture hall and listening to the professor give a lecture. Either that, I have no experience in what the person is talking about or no interest for that matter and I tune out. I have to make a conscious effort I find to stay tuned in conversations. I find that If I do make that effort, I don't have to think about what to say it naturally comes with the flow. It's strange, I am comfortable alone, I don't like people, but when I am alone I feel lonely and I get jealous of others who have friends and who are social. I think there's a societal pressure to be a social person. I am shameful to come across as a loner even though I don't necessarily mind being home alone watching a movie on a friday night. Going in circles, again, I feel jealous of the girls who get so nicely dressed up and go out and then there's like a bazzillion pics of themselves up on facebook of the night they had spent with the bazillion of their friends. At work, I find the kava is helping me too. I am getting things done, I am energetic and I am talking to others.
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Post by shynesssucks on Sept 15, 2009 3:08:38 GMT -5
God, I hate facebook. I don't get myself. Why do I look on his profile anyway?! I hate seeing his pictures with her. Whenever he is tagged in a picture, she's right there with him. They are always together WTF? ? Why do I still give a damn? Why do I still think of him? Or even shed a single tear for him? WHY damn it? ? Life sucks.
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Post by madiocre on Sept 21, 2009 5:33:47 GMT -5
God, I hate facebook. I don't get myself. Why do I look on his profile anyway?! I hate seeing his pictures with her. Whenever he is tagged in a picture, she's right there with him. They are always together WTF? ? Why do I still give a damn? Why do I still think of him? Or even shed a single tear for him? WHY damn it? ? Life sucks. i did this for quite a while when i broke up with my ex. he had deleted me but the girl he got with didnt know me but i worked out who she was and used to look all the time. i hated that it seemed luike he spent all his time with her but when we were together he was too busy with his nerdy things..... it got to the point where i wasn't even that interested it was just a weird habit i had i can't remeber when or how i stopped it to tell the truth it hink it was just being too distracted with everything else at some point.
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Post by shynesssucks on Sept 25, 2009 22:38:01 GMT -5
it got to the point where i wasn't even that interested it was just a weird habit i had i can't remeber when or how i stopped it to tell the truth it hink it was just being too distracted with everything else at some point. [/quote]
yeah, it's getting to be a habbit to just check his profile on a daily basis and when he gets tagged in a pic which isnt' all that often, she's always there next to him. He was always too busy for me too; it makes me really sad thinking back, how much i cared for him and did for him and got nothing in return and in the end he forgot all about me ..it's as if i never was part of his life for 3 whole years.
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Post by shynesssucks on Sept 25, 2009 23:03:11 GMT -5
Today was one of those days that began all wrong. I slept in again this week I think it's because the kava i'm taking makes me sleepy if I haven't gotten adequate sleep the previous night. I was suppose to be at work by 7:30, instead, i woke up at that time. Then, I quickly put my hair in an elastic; had no time to straighten the hair out properly. I wore glasses instead of my contacts. Grabbed my facewash and tooth brush stuck it in my purse and ran out the door. At lunch hour I finally brushed my teeth, washed my face and touched up the make up.
I then went to the cafeteria to grab food and to join the peeps I sit with everyday for lunch but today it was different because the very same people I sit with on a daily basis did not save a seat for me. This actually has bothered me all day and added to the day being kind of a miserable one.
I always make sure to pull chairs for everyone to sit together if I happen to be at the table earlier or I'll slide my chair over so no one is left out but the one day that I am late to come no one bothers to do it for me.
I might just be pmsing but it made me sad. I guess I should grow up I mean does a 27 year old mature woman stress about things like this? I mean this basically defines my life. Ever since I was young I have been forgotten, picked last, ignored.
Actually, if someone turns to me and gives me attention, especially if that someone has an outgoing personality I tend to freeze and give them unfriendly vibes. So, it is my fault in that I give signals to people to leave me alone and when they do I feel left out and feel sorry for myself. I don't know what kind of illness this is but I don't think it can be defined fully as social anxiety. I mean, I don't have a panic or a full blown anxiety attack in social situations.
I just kind of get quiet in these situations. Let's brain storm the reasons I find myself silent or not saying very much. OK here it goes: 1. I have no knowledge of the topic. eg. sports, a restaurant, a movie etc you name it 2. I feel tired 3. When i do have a story to tell I tend to want to get to the part of the story that I think is most important first for the fear that people will tune out and not listen to the whole story. But, the problem is without providing the necessary background the story might not make complete sense. I think I proably sound very stressed out when telling it too. as if i'm trying to get the sentence out as fast as possible in one breath. 4. I find an opportunity to say something and wait for someone to finish talking before I make my comment but before I could say what I wanted to say someone else will make a comment that will steer the conversation in a completely different direction and I'd have lost that opportunity. 5. The environment is too loud and I can not hear what the speaker is saying such as at bars, parties. I think I may have a hearing problem because everyone else seems to be yelling and talking at the top of their lungs but I can't respond because I can not hear half of what is being said.
I really would like to find a class where I can practice my conversation skills. I looked on google but I was only able to find conversation classes aimed for people of ESL or learning a new language. I also would like to practice with someone who is a good conversationalist not with someone who has the same problem because for some reason I tend to talk more when the other person seems to be the quiet type also. Any suggestions of where I can find such a class please do let me know
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Post by strawberrysweetie on Sept 26, 2009 22:35:26 GMT -5
Actually, if someone turns to me and gives me attention, especially if that someone has an outgoing personality I tend to freeze and give them unfriendly vibes. So, it is my fault in that I give signals to people to leave me alone and when they do I feel left out and feel sorry for myself. I don't know what kind of illness this is but I don't think it can be defined fully as social anxiety. I mean, I don't have a panic or a full blown anxiety attack in social situations. I just kind of get quiet in these situations. Let's brain storm the reasons I find myself silent or not saying very much. OK here it goes: 1. I have no knowledge of the topic. eg. sports, a restaurant, a movie etc you name it 2. I feel tired 3. When i do have a story to tell I tend to want to get to the part of the story that I think is most important first for the fear that people will tune out and not listen to the whole story. But, the problem is without providing the necessary background the story might not make complete sense. I think I proably sound very stressed out when telling it too. as if i'm trying to get the sentence out as fast as possible in one breath. 4. I find an opportunity to say something and wait for someone to finish talking before I make my comment but before I could say what I wanted to say someone else will make a comment that will steer the conversation in a completely different direction and I'd have lost that opportunity. 5. The environment is too loud and I can not hear what the speaker is saying such as at bars, parties. I think I may have a hearing problem because everyone else seems to be yelling and talking at the top of their lungs but I can't respond because I can not hear half of what is being said. Well, I can relate to most of what you said here. Except with 3 & 5 being a bit different (3- I just suck at telling stories and 5- I think I just get distracted too easily sometimes and have trouble fully tuning into a conversation if so much else is going on). About a week ago, I had a class and we had to meet in our presentation groups. There was quite a bit of time of talking aside from our project, where I pretty much went mute. I wouldn't say I had a ton of anxiety about what to say...I just felt a bit uncomfortable in knowing I was being 'the quiet one' again. I just didn't think I had much to offer in the conversation, wasn't too interested in what they were talking about, and figured they didn't really care what I said anyway. *shrugs* As for looking for a conversation skill class, I'm not sure. I really don't know if they exist. But I think a lot of people here could probably benefit from such a thing...well, I know I most definitely could at least.
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Post by shynesssucks on Sept 27, 2009 19:16:32 GMT -5
Actually, if someone turns to me and gives me attention, especially if that someone has an outgoing personality I tend to freeze and give them unfriendly vibes. So, it is my fault in that I give signals to people to leave me alone and when they do I feel left out and feel sorry for myself. I don't know what kind of illness this is but I don't think it can be defined fully as social anxiety. I mean, I don't have a panic or a full blown anxiety attack in social situations. I just kind of get quiet in these situations. Let's brain storm the reasons I find myself silent or not saying very much. OK here it goes: 1. I have no knowledge of the topic. eg. sports, a restaurant, a movie etc you name it 2. I feel tired 3. When i do have a story to tell I tend to want to get to the part of the story that I think is most important first for the fear that people will tune out and not listen to the whole story. But, the problem is without providing the necessary background the story might not make complete sense. I think I proably sound very stressed out when telling it too. as if i'm trying to get the sentence out as fast as possible in one breath. 4. I find an opportunity to say something and wait for someone to finish talking before I make my comment but before I could say what I wanted to say someone else will make a comment that will steer the conversation in a completely different direction and I'd have lost that opportunity. 5. The environment is too loud and I can not hear what the speaker is saying such as at bars, parties. I think I may have a hearing problem because everyone else seems to be yelling and talking at the top of their lungs but I can't respond because I can not hear half of what is being said. Well, I can relate to most of what you said here. Except with 3 & 5 being a bit different (3- I just suck at telling stories and 5- I think I just get distracted too easily sometimes and have trouble fully tuning into a conversation if so much else is going on). About a week ago, I had a class and we had to meet in our presentation groups. There was quite a bit of time of talking aside from our project, where I pretty much went mute. I wouldn't say I had a ton of anxiety about what to say...I just felt a bit uncomfortable in knowing I was being 'the quiet one' again. I just didn't think I had much to offer in the conversation, wasn't too interested in what they were talking about, and figured they didn't really care what I said anyway. *shrugs* As for looking for a conversation skill class, I'm not sure. I really don't know if they exist. But I think a lot of people here could probably benefit from such a thing...well, I know I most definitely could at least. I think probably #1 is a big issue for me. It's like I lack alot of common knowlege so when people talk about everyday things like sports, places, ideas I just don't have an opinion. One reason is I spend most my time bymyself and don't go out and experience the everyday life that others do. When you go out, talk to people you have experiences and learn from others which you can talk about. Secondly, I don't even own a TV and I don't bother to watch the news to learn about what's going on around me. I think if I made the effort to do that more I might be able to contribute a little more to conversation. At work I am with people with the same educational background as myself so I relatively speaking, talk more at work than I would with a stranger as we can talk about work-related subjects. The other day I went to a meetup.com happy hour and I found myself having absolutely nothing to say in a group where one girl kept going on and on about some carpeting or painting company she worked for. The girl probably had one too many to drink and was pretty and flirtatious and talkative so she stole the attention from the other people standing around. I couldn't hear what she was saying even though I stood like an arms length away from her as the bar was quite loud but on the other hand I had no interest in what she was saying so I stood there quietly and feeling quite awkward. Yesterday while waiting for a bus someone came in line behind me and asked me something about the bus the schedule and I told him that being new to the area I really couldn't answer his question. He asked me where I was from and so the conversation began but I could feel myself getting more and more uncomfortable as the conversation kept going on longer and longer. At one point he mentioned something about football and his team winning and ofcourse all I could do was smile awkwardly. I felt myself stiffening up, my arms wrapped around myself and my smile getting stiffer and more forced and wishing he'd just leave me alone. He probably would have picked up those signams I gave him if only it wasn't 1am and he had not been drinking all day. Anyway, I take that experience as a learning experience, every opportunity I get to practice conversation I will take. I guess I can start off by forcing myself to watch sports now?? I hate watching sports. I don;t mind playing but I just don't get whats the fun in watching and cheering for a bunch of airheads who are over-paid and who you don't know personally play. I rather be on the field myself playing. ..and I would be if I weren't a scrawny 5ft tall tiny girl worried that I'd be crushed to death by an average-sized human being. When I was younger, in school I was part of track n field, volley ball even rugby. Now a days, I jog by myself and do some pilates or yoga in the comfort of my own home. Anyway, I also suck at telling stories. Maybe I could form a group where we gather around to just tell anecdotes. I have recently joined meetup.com maybe I could gather up the courage to initiate such a group
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Post by strawberrysweetie on Sept 29, 2009 0:14:28 GMT -5
I agree...#1 is a tricky one. Right now, I'm actually alone like 100% of the time (aside from school and my non-social job, if those even count), so I have no interesting things to speak of when it's the rare event when I actually get a chance to talk to someone. And, while I have a TV, I don't really watch all that much. I don't get a whole lot of channels anyway, but it's just not the typical stuff other people watch. The meetup thing you described.....that you were uninterested and ended up being quiet and awkward....that's pretty much how I am most the time if I'm ever in a social situation. Or again, if it's not being uninterested, it's just not having anything to contribute on a particular topic. It's hard to get involved if you're not interested in what's being said or don't really know what they are talking about. Or when you just get tired of the environment. All I can usually think about when I feel that way is trying to manage to get away, or looking forward to when it's over. So I certainly get the same feelings, but I don't know exactly what to do about that either. Anyway...if you can, creating your own group could be a really good thing. That way, it's something you're actually interested in and can have some control over how it's run. Good luck if you decide to go for it.
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Post by shynesssucks on Sept 29, 2009 22:19:50 GMT -5
ahhh talking is such hard work and i suck at it. Today I was in the good ol' "investment banker conversation" again. I swear I had (or sat quietly through while others had) the same conversation with atleast 2 other different groups of people. Everyone seems to have a rich investment banker friend who makes 300k, 2 years right out of college and everyone has something to say. I try to say a few words but I am IGNORED, I am not even sure if I was heard or do they deliberately ignore me? The speaker will make eye contact with everyone in the group except me and when they do in the rare instances I flinch and I guess that's why they don't speak to me? ???ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I just want to be able to interact with people NORMALLY
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Post by strawberrysweetie on Sept 29, 2009 23:13:38 GMT -5
ahhh talking is such hard work and i suck at it. Today I was in the good ol' "investment banker conversation" again. I swear I had (or sat quietly through while others had) the same conversation with atleast 2 other different groups of people. Everyone seems to have a rich investment banker friend who makes 300k, 2 years right out of college and everyone has something to say. I try to say a few words but I am IGNORED, I am not even sure if I was heard or do they deliberately ignore me? The speaker will make eye contact with everyone in the group except me and when they do in the rare instances I flinch and I guess that's why they don't speak to me? ???ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I just want to be able to interact with people NORMALLY omg... The weird thing is, is that I basically experienced almost the same thing today. Well, with the whole ignoring/not looking at me thing. In one of my classes, the teacher made us get into small groups again, which she does at least once a week. I thought I had found a couple of nice girls to sit by, but today, they, plus like 3 others in the class decided to get up and leave early. (this class is VERY BORING and the teacher seems to repeat herself a lot and go over things that seem pointless...so I don't think everyone had to be anywhere else for real; people make comments about her...) Anyway, so I joined a different group. The one guy, who seems a bit quiet himself said it was okay that I join...so I did. But the other 3 people didn't even really acknowledge my presence at all, which I didn't even really realize until we got going on what we were supposed to do. Two were the main talkers and never even looked my way once. Plus they got a bit off topic at points and talked about other things. I felt really crap for just sitting there. I didn't say anything during, though, (we were supposed to be talking about bars, so that didn't help) so it's probably my fault I guess... But still, yeah, I hate when people don't ever make eye contact with you when in a group....it's a really sucky feeling. Sorry for going on about myself again, but I hear ya...
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Post by shynesssucks on Sept 30, 2009 17:33:01 GMT -5
I personally don't think you ever go on about yourself in posts. Quite the opposite, you always address the person's issue and try to help them out and when you do refer to yourself it's only to give an example of a personal experience. Anyway, being ignored is not a new thing for me in fact, it's the story of my life but what was so amazing is that I had the exact same conversation atleast 2 times before but with different groups of people.
Today I guess i must have been feeling emotional and my eyes did get a little teary during our little lecture. After lunch, we went up to the room and the desks are set up on either side, leaving a walk way in the middle. Everyone sat on the other side of the room, they chatted before the lecturer arrived and I stared down at my book and doodled.
People say adversity in life make us stronger. I think I'm becoming strong enough to face it, I don't need anyone. I probably would have once come home and cried about it but I didn't really let it get to me because I guess I'm use to it. When in school I basically avoided people so I didn't even have to deal with being ignored, I guess it was sort of a defensive way to deal with it because then, I was the one ignoring others, I didn't give the world a chance to ignore me. Now, I can't just ignore people being in the real-world setting, I need to force myself to sit with people at lunch, say a few words now and then to remind them I am alive.
Sometimes, in the rare occasion, when people talked to me I found it really awkward, wondering why were they talking to me? I am so use to being ignored I would be taken by surprise when someone does.
Sometimes I find that I say somethng and without me finishing what I want to say the other person just starts talking to someone else. I don't think it's ever going to change.
I use to worry about not having friends, never getting married, now I don't even care, I can just focus on work and have a fulfilling life. I just wish that I could get along like a normal person with them the few times that I interact with my colleages at work. I don't care if we become close friends but it is completely awkward for me to be standing/sitting all by myself when my peers are huddled to gather in another corner, or people stop listening to what i say mid-sentence and walking away. I feel like I'm being punished but I don't treat people that way so I wonder why I get this treatment?? sigh...
probably just having an overly-emotional day. tomorrow is another day...
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Post by sexyniks on Jul 3, 2010 7:14:08 GMT -5
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