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Post by collectcall on Mar 11, 2010 20:12:31 GMT -5
OKAY... so its been a while i think. But wow. Looking back at my last post,... thats pretty legit stuff i must say. wonder if i'll ever express something so... clearly, and prettily every again :S , well we can only move forward cant we???
School is Ke$ha (as in BLah blah blah,... funny?, no?). I guess it's that time of year where things get very tiring, assignments and midterms and such. And err.. ill be AH graduat'en this year, and thats exciting (right? ofcourse! ... :S). A few of my high school friends are going to graduate school, some teachers college, one is going abroad to teach english for a year, one is travelling australia cuz he's cool like that. ANd me? well... what AM I doing?
I dont know.
I was thinking more education, grad school possibly, but i would have to wait for next year (as applications for starting in september 2010 have been done for some time now). I could do like another undergraduate degree, which would go much faster since i can carry many credits over. Maybe I'll work and just chill out. Maybe start a business (whats the demand for paranormal investigators these days?)...
Just cloudiness and haze on this weather front I'm afraid. Im keeping it short today kids... i need to get back into the swing of things.
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Post by outgoingbutshy on Mar 11, 2010 21:12:25 GMT -5
well maybe you could give the bunch at CSI a call ;D--jk--don't mind me i like to joke around a lot on here heh. btw, i know how you feel about this time of year school-wise: my third semesters in h s i mostly always let down some and my marks showed it . it looks as if you're musing, thinking over your options. that's good. well maybe figure out what you most want to do, and go with that. sorry im not much help, just wanted to acknowlege your post. it takes a while to realize what one wants to do. heck im 47 and i still don't know, lol. you'll figure it out, bud--im sure. maybe brainstorm on a piece of paper; or go to the library and get some books on your goals; take an aptitude test perhaps? to see where your strengths are (if you haven't done this already). Just throwing out ideas, collect call. hey i noticed you're Canadian? I'm in Atlantic Canada-- Fredericton, New Brunswick. What province are you in (if you don't mind saying, that is)? Nice to see another Canadian on here. They seem to be coming out of the woodwork lol. All the best to you, collectcall ;D ~audio
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Post by collectcall on Mar 13, 2010 22:32:38 GMT -5
thank you audio, for your ever so prompt message,
you are helpful, don't ever think otherwise, even if people dont want to tell you. I've taken some aptitude tests before, they usually are not that helpful, since my interests are broad, my current degree is broad, etc... all i know is that i want to avoid a desk as much as possible. And helping people is always good, even if im afraid of them :S...
Canada is a pretty sweet place to live. I'm living in Ottawa at the moment (and have been for all other moments of my life up till now)... oh! and in previous posts here i mention walking along a waterway, its the rideau canal... its a pretty sweet place to walk by.
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Post by collectcall on Mar 26, 2010 11:56:14 GMT -5
A girl appeared to have some kind of psychotic break as i was riding the bus. leaving school at 4:18 on tuesday afternoon. So i feel that about 4:25 is a good estimate of when this incident begun. I heard the words "papa, please help me!" being screamed out, and a general look of confusion on or near the point of interest. I saw a coloured girl's back from my vantage point, standing at the front of the bus. If i can recall exactly what the bus driver said, it was to the effect of : "put your clothes back on, you cannot be naked on a bus.". at some point, and i will remind the reader that it is difficult to tell what time exactly, the doors opened and the girl gout out and started running alongside the grass that follows the road. My hear was afraid, know that moment that i ought to do something. She got on the bus once more and put on jacket and pants, as far as i could tell. At the next intersection she disrobed once again and waited at outside, at the street light, for it to turn green. the people on the bus appeared to be on a continuum of shock and annoyance. Cars outside were honking their horns. THe bus stopped across the street of a McDonald's; the driver announced that the bus would be waiting for the authorities to arrive. Most people started getting off the bus. THe girl came through the rear entrance and caused a bit of a stir, or rather... the stir was caused by her, but the reactions of the bus riders, i felt, were grossly out of proportion. As she moved to the front of the bus I stopped her and engaged her in conversation, to try and give her some insight into what was going on, and the trouble she was getting herself into... my all too late and all too feeble attempt to help her. The police soon came and took her away, covered in a yellow-tarp. The rest of the ride I was considerably agitated. Two girls in the building where i live were also on the bus and had seen what happened. Everyone's reaction to this situation, including my own, has made me very upset. I came home and sat in a chair and thought too much... and i was made unhappy. I am a rain drop, in a fog, on a cloudy day. Completely unrelated to the preceeding blip of life, this cover of depeche mode - enjoy the silence, is intense : www.youtube.com/watch?v=_gZzkGvyqzc
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Post by outgoingbutshy on Mar 26, 2010 14:33:26 GMT -5
;D Hey Collectcall. Thanks for talking at me! Oh so you're in Ottawa - cool - I've traveled through there myself (went to Gatineau in 2006) . And I know a couple out that way ;D. Oh that bus ride and the thing you described about the lady it must have been so stressful for you !!! I'm sorry about that. It's kind of you to try to talk to her though. Yeah, I agree some people blow things way out of proportion in their "reactions" or in this case maybe "OVER-reactions". Perhaps she was schizophrenic or another illness? I hope she got the help she needed. Sometimes, though, I wish people who are clearly very mentally ill like she appeared to be from what you related, would be taken away in an ambulance instead of by police. Mentally illness seems to have a bad connotation in our society. Im sure perhaps you've heard of one or more mentally ill people being "tazered" by police here in Canada? It's been on the news at times. I hope the police didn't tazer this lady. It makes me mad when mentally ill people have been tazered by the police. The man on the news awhile back, he was mentally ill, but he was not violent, he saw the police coming, and he ran because he was scared; the police caught up to him, and tazered him!!! It's been awhile since that was on the news, and I am quite forgetful, unfortunately; and I can't remember whether the man died or not. I thought he did die from the shock of the tazer, but I don't know exactly for sure. All I know is that listening to the account on the news that particular night I was so angry. I hate that mental illness, particularly more serious forms, such as schizophrenia and manic-depression (or bi-polar illness) - have such a stigma attached to them in society even after all these years and now we're into the 21st century with all the technology, etc. - and yet with mental illness it's like society's reactions to these unfortunate people are still (imo) out of the "dark ages "!!! Hope you're feeling better from the experience, collectcall. take care and have a good weekend ! ~audio
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Post by strawberrysweetie on Mar 26, 2010 19:19:56 GMT -5
I just mainly wanted to jump in here and say...I like reading your updates. Hope you keep it up. OKAY... so its been a while i think. But wow. Looking back at my last post,... thats pretty legit stuff i must say. wonder if i'll ever express something so... clearly, and prettily every again :S , well we can only move forward cant we??? School is Ke$ha (as in BLah blah blah,... funny?, no?). I guess it's that time of year where things get very tiring, assignments and midterms and such. And err.. ill be AH graduat'en this year, and thats exciting (right? ofcourse! ... :S). A few of my high school friends are going to graduate school, some teachers college, one is going abroad to teach english for a year, one is travelling australia cuz he's cool like that. ANd me? well... what AM I doing? I dont know. I was thinking more education, grad school possibly, but i would have to wait for next year (as applications for starting in september 2010 have been done for some time now). I could do like another undergraduate degree, which would go much faster since i can carry many credits over. Maybe I'll work and just chill out. Maybe start a business (whats the demand for paranormal investigators these days?)... Just cloudiness and haze on this weather front I'm afraid. Im keeping it short today kids... i need to get back into the swing of things. I graduate at the end of this semester as well. And still don't know what I'm doing either. It's scary! I'm sure we'll both figure things out eventually, though. I wish you good luck! And in regards to your post from today, not too sure what to say...but you really shouldn't feel bad about not being able to do anything about it. I'm wondering how old she was? The girl sounds very troubled. Trying to talk logic to her doesn't seem like it would have helped very much. It is sad. But sometimes there's really nothing you can do.
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Post by collectcall on Mar 31, 2010 18:27:09 GMT -5
You guys are just all so cool! Its the end of the school year, and I have two essays due tomorrow. SO of course im doing next to everything besides actually working on them... but dont worry kids it will all work out in the end. My apartment is clean, the bills are paid, all the little things that needed fixing are done ... one is so productive on everything but one NEEDS to do, arent we? I was looking through some old e-mails, on a whim, and I found this cool thing. I wanted to share it, because, well, there are some things i cant bare to keep to myself. I sent this to a girl, whom i had feelings for at one time, and who had feelings for me, but its funny because our affections for eachother never met up in time. As in, she told me first and i said i liked her as a friend, and a few months later i told her and she said she liked me as a friend. Its funny how these things work out sometimes. We are still friends in the nominal sense, but of course, things are ever changing... : "Yea so, bakc there, i was having this moment, at least, it was like inspiration you know. Im sure its hard to follow, which means maybe you need to read better or i need to write better. In any case, i always get this feeling that i aint communicating proper like, which sucks cuz theres the alienation and isolation... but thats a part of life you know. WHen we pour our heart out to someone, when we want them to know something the way we know something, it seems so hard. The older i get, the more i realize a failure to communicate with language, not that its inadequate, just that somethings or unspeakable, cant be held down or bounded by words. WHen i try to explain a feeling to you, a feeling of insight, theres this excitement in me at first. Then theres this feeling of despair, in the sense that, i know you dont understand, i know no one does, they cant , its impossible. It sounds like depressing, but it cant be because thats all there is. There are times, when communication brings this sense of going beyond whats in front of us (the physical world), im sure you know of it, it happens when you love, when you see beauty, or have this transcendent sense of goodness (at least thats what i think, i really have no basis for it, but i think people share that idea). But yeah, heres me being emo and hanging onto old feelings of friendship and connection that i think we once had, im SURE we had. Sometimes i think to drop by youre house; at the same time theres this 'distance', (of a few blocks, haha!) but what i mean is that, its hard to ...you know... stop doing what were doing. Weve grown and lived and loved for years apart; anyways lets go out some time, not with any guarantees to be friends forever or to disclose everything thats happened with and between us, i think im just looking to 'transcend isolation' not that, i feel particularly lonely or depressed or anythiing like that, just that sometimes, we need to express ourselves...ive this strange compulsion to speak to you, anyways i hope that works out heres what i wanted to tell you, i know i cant share the sense of profoundness that struck me when i read it, and ive read it before without that sense, but its just someone needs to know and you just happened to be on msn, .. and now ive gone out looking for you, cuz ure the only one who needs to know this right now, and its funny, cuz u'll really never feel what i did. at least i dont think so, but it would be the greatest thing if u did. "We do not rest satisfied with the present. We anticipate the future as too slow in coming, as if in order to hasten its course; or we recall the past, to stop its too rapid flight. So imprudent are we that we wander in the times which are not ours, and do not think of the only one which belongs to us, and so idle are we that we dream of those times which are no more, and thoughtlessly overlook that which alone exists. For the present is generally painful to us. We conceal it from our sight, because it troubles us; and if it be delightful to us, we regret to see it pass away. We try to sustain it by the future, and think of arranging matters which are not in our power, for a time which we have no certainty of reaching. Let each one examine his thoughts, and he will find them all occupied with the past and the future. We scarcely ever think of the present; and if we think of it, it is only to take light from it to arrange the future. The present is never our end. The past and the present are our means; the future alone is our end. So we never live, but we hope to live; and, as we are always preparing to be happy, it is inevitable we should never be so." Pascal, Pensees, no. 172 So when i read this, earlier today, its that sense of passion. Like a flood. I couldnt hold it back until someone knew." ...so i wrote that about 2 years ago, ... at the moment all the good memories come back to me, and it makes this exact moment, very pleasant. And as you can see, i haven't changed all that much, if one judges by the way i write, and i think thats a good judgement. Because here when i type these words ... i am not attempting to be anyone but me, i have nothing to prove, nothing to hide, ... i can say what i want and its just there ... truly i think this 'shy diary' is a brilliant form of self medication. I wonder, does everyone who reads this know how much this truly means to me? I'm staring off into the distance, out the window you can see the trees and houses stretching to the horizon ... i try and imagine YOU, the individual who's eyes gloss over THESE words,... what happiness and sorrow do you hide behind your eyes,? what memories of life and love are buried deep inside your heart? every time i write here .. every time you read here,.. you learn a little more about me,... more than i would be willing to say if we were to meet face to face. But such is our nature of being shy isnt it? I am old, and hopelessly romantic. I am silly at times (nay, most of the time!). I get upset over things like trying to help naked people. I worry about the future too much. I am very dissatisfied with what I've done with my life thus far, because i think i can do better, i think i need to do better. And I get nervous just like you do, in similar situations that you do, and feel hurt when i think people talk about me, and feel inadequate when i think of where i stand in comparison to others... AND!... i need to get back to my essays :S ...i swear i need to work on getting my posts shorter.... maybe people will actually read them???
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Post by outgoingbutshy on Mar 31, 2010 19:25:28 GMT -5
Hi Collectcall ;D!!! Don't worry about long posts. I myself like to write long ones. I do have to say I admire your eloquence very much; and can relate to some of the things you said. I myself am "silly" - love to joke around, as I said in here before. Love your Pascal quote, btw. I really can't add anything; and I wouldn't even try. Maybe you could put these and other basic writings together into a book - a novel perhaps? Just a thought. I have problems communicating myself. I had always said I write better than I speak, but it seems as if even what I write sometimes gets misunderstood no matter how carefully I try to form easy to understand sentences. But yes, I have to say I read the whole post through and it was a joy to read! - if that is an encouragement to you. All the best on your endeavors, CollectCall. Take care . ~audio
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Post by collectcall on Apr 6, 2010 9:57:25 GMT -5
is it bright where you are? Have the people changed? Does it make you happy? ...you're so strange... so i finished 3 term papers in the past week, 60 pages of actual written work, and to my best estimates well over 100 hours of work :S ; and well, i wasn't entirely happy with them in the end, at least one I have in mind at least, because i know i could have done better. But whatever, its done, and its unfortunate that it was done the way it was ... because i have the impression that it could have been done differently. At the moment im listening to rainy day music ( www.youtube.com/watch?v=pxM4EbN9lMY) , because its dark and probably going to rain outside. And looking forward to staying in and cleaning up, because where i am needs cleaning, and because where i am I can only look forward ... or at least looking behind me is an empty action. (you see what i did there??? I'm working on my transitions ) So the future, its coming, and i remmember i used to really look forward to it, being excited about what could happen. I was optimistic about things, i was young and naive, and ... now im old and naive, but typically still positive, which is a good thing. I was listening to some radio station, and they were talking about Dave Matthews , and he was talking about getting older, and i forget most of it but he did mention that, getting older is an interesting thing, and specifically he says that you become more comfortable with ambiguity. and i found that an interesting concept. Because at the moment im still uncomfortable with ambiguity. I want to know things, i want there to be good reasons for doing things, i want there to be meaning behind events in the world... i want to know that others suffering and my own are not empty events,.. but ... i cannot say that they are. The world is a certain way and its me that needs to change, because the world cannot. Its me that needs to bend to the world, because it cannot be the other way. Its me that stays in because its dark and cold outside. Its me that needs to go out because i still think i can make my life matter. Its me that has been keeping me from finding what i want ... i think i know the way the world is, so i cant ask something from it that it cannot give. And i dont know ... that rant was just , preachy and many other things, i dont know anything. But im still hopeful, that in time i will know 'something' , that i'll understand, that i'll be comfortable with ambiguity, and i'll be comfortable with not knowing why days can be so dark and why I feel so alone some days and why i slip into sadness from time to time. Is it bright where you are? Have the people changed? Does is make you happy? ...you're so strange...
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Post by Farouche on Apr 7, 2010 16:19:38 GMT -5
Collectcall ------------- I get upset over things like trying to help naked people. You just wanted to see who was paying attention, dincha? ;D You have an interesting inner life, CC! It's nice to see people dumping their brain fruits in the oft-neglected Shy Diaries section. Dump on, all! ;D
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Post by collectcall on Apr 23, 2010 22:18:32 GMT -5
so its the end of the semester, school is finished for me. summer is coming, the home hockey team is in the playoffs, the days are longer and brighter than i remmember them being this time last year. things are looking good ... arent they?
so the question is, what is one such as myself to do with this new found opportunity and freedom? (terrible, terrible freedom). The answer is : I dont know. Which is typical, if one reads these posts regularly. I've got an undying confidence and security in a few things in my life, but for the most part things are unclear to me.
there is work to do, there is more school, there is leaving all material behind and seeking truth in all its forms, there are girls, there are video games to play, there are books to read, there are a lot of things for me ... but at the moment i am saturated and my only action, is inaction.
"But take heart young one,... things will be alright,... you'll make a decision because there will come a time where you have to, and i know that you're capable of doing it, because i know you.... and i care about you... And i know you've had a hard time in the past,... but no one's life is easy... And as i see the tears well up in your eyes i need you to know that its okay ... its okay."
thanks guys, i really needed that.
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Post by collectcall on May 2, 2010 0:37:55 GMT -5
ive been feeling lethargic lately.
I am typically hopeful about things, but there is this tear in my world right now. My glasses of positivity have this crack in the corner of my eye. What if im wrong,? what if it turns out all my ideas about myself and the way i think the world is, are just a pile of rubble on the wayside? What if these beliefs i peddle arent worth the words their written with? ... in short ... i am filled with doubt.
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Post by collectcall on May 11, 2010 19:18:10 GMT -5
When i woke up this morning it was -6 (Celsius) and when the sun was out at its highest today it was 17 degrees. The oscillating mercury is a reflection of my mood, which means that everything is 'normal' if you know me. For all the logical motivation i can muster for doing things (working hard, engaging with people, doing the right thing) i find that typically my action is guided much to heavily by my mood. If im feeling 'up' or good, or strong and filled with energy, then things are good - I can engage with the world in a mutually beneficial way. But if im not feeling well, unhappy or drained or upset about something, then things obviously dont go so well. (im not sure how unique this is to me, ...i mean doesnt everyone feel this way at least sometimes? ... )
my living situation will be changing in the near future, which is good for those around me, but not so much for myself (at least i think so). Im thinking i may want to live on my own, but im afraid that it might be the first step towards a decline... to shatter all the 'progress' i think ive made in the past year or so.
I came here today with the hope that some kind of insight would spontaneously come out of me, but it doesn't seem to be working the way i want it to. maybe im just not in the mood.
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Post by strawberrysweetie on May 13, 2010 3:58:13 GMT -5
i find that typically my action is guided much to heavily by my mood. If im feeling 'up' or good, or strong and filled with energy, then things are good - I can engage with the world in a mutually beneficial way. But if im not feeling well, unhappy or drained or upset about something, then things obviously dont go so well. (im not sure how unique this is to me, ...i mean doesnt everyone feel this way at least sometimes? ... ) Well, I can definitely relate to that. I think a lot of people probably can. Depressive feelings especially can hold a person back and deplete motivation; it definitely does for me anyway.
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Post by collectcall on May 19, 2010 21:31:32 GMT -5
A little while ago at a family function i was engaged in reading and ignoring the saccades of life around me. The words in front of me commented on how silly and weak we are, on how at one moment we are ready to swear our lives to virtue ... and at the next moment when we are tested how easily we repeat the mistakes we've made. Its unfortunate but common, and i've known this for a long time. I think this understanding has lead me to be very empathetic and forgiving with other people.
At the same time i find an unfortunate intolerance of my own faults with myself. I get genuinely upset when i repeat my mistakes, when i do things i know i shouldnt. When I allow the same personality characteristics to continually sabotage my personal happiness. And I dont know why. I've come to the conclusion that this is an issue i cannot 'think' my way out of.
In short i think the answer needs to be for me to 'relax'. To not get so uptight, or put so much weight on my faults. To not sink into a hole of unhappiness every time i repeat my mistakes.
And so equipped with the right thinking my problems are solved, right? ...No, not at all... the way i talk you would think that im actually making progress towards DOING the right thing. But im not. Im either so far behind in repeating my mistakes, or i dont really believe what i think. And that makes me unfortunately human.
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