Life sucks

[omgblood]

The first time when I identified myself as shy was when I moved into the suburbs in 6th grade. Not knowing anyone it was hard for me to mix in and make new friends. After awhile I stopped trying and just accepted that I just didn't belong. I tried finding ways to cope with my loneliness and became addicted to computer games.

Junior High was a drag. I developed anxiety, depression, and practically became shelled in. I became a complete loner and just kinda watched everything pass by me. My grades were failing and I was terrified about my parents finding out. Also the first time I had suicidal thoughts.

Fast forward through all this crap and now I'm 17 and a senior in high school. To sum up my life right now:

I 'lost' my circle of friends a couple months ago.
I'm pretty much isolated at school and at home.
I stay home all day playing computer games.
I don't have a job.
I'm failing half of classes and procrastinating on my senior project(requirement to graduate).
I still have trouble meeting new people and holding relationships.
I have a pessimistic outlook on life.
I'm more anxious/depressed/suicidal then ever.

Thinking back on what I've missed out because of my SAD/shyness just makes me so depressed. I've been off my SSRIs for a week so I can binge drink(by myself). I guess thats how I celebrate my spring break by myself. But its made me realize how sh*t my life is.

[outgoingbutshy]

Hello and welcome to the forum !

I'm so sorry about all the things you're going through. I've been a loner all my life so i can relate to what you're going through.

I've been on SSRIs before though they never helped me.

Your screenname, I'm curious do you have contamination issues (like OCD)? I have OCD, but my contamination issues are that I'm nervous I'm going to contaminate others so I take super-long in the bathroom cleaning up in there to make sure it's all right for the next user.

I don't have a job either so i can relate there also.

I do just about every activity by myself. I am somewhat isolated also. I tried hard in school to belong with the other students, but was more of a slacker/loner (though at times I did make good marks). I was bullied at times, called retarded (especially in the younger grades where I did make pretty good marks), went through peer pressure/initation type stuff in grades 8-10, sexual type bullying/peer pressure by other girls asking me if I engaged in "oral sex" which I hadn't and they'd tease me and say I wasn't normal. So you're not alone. and you've found a good site here. We're all in the same shyness boat. I have SA/SP (social anxiety/phobia/performance anxiety issues). I was going through it tonight at the grocery store something fierce. I was using one of those self-scanners and I was nervous as hell hoping the lady monitor person wouldn't have to come over to check to see how I was making out scanning/paying for my items. Well the 5 dollar bill was so old the machine woudn't accept it so i had to go over to her station to give it to her personally so she could finish my transaction and hand me my sales slip. It was nerve-wracking to me. I can't stand feeling like I'm being watched. I find I am obsessed with doing everything fast. I am paranoid that if I do something slow, it means I'm stupid and incompetent. I struggle with that in public, like the grocery store.

anyway, welcome to the board, and sorry about my spiel above, if you see my other posts on here, haha, lol, i tend to be very longwinded .

please keep posting on here there are a lot of people on here who can relate to your situation! take care .

[ItsNotAPorkChop]

I can relate to that, sounds very much like my life.

I first noticed how shy I really was when I started at secondary school. I was still around friends that I knew from primary school but everyone started to make new friends without me and we all kinda drifted apart and I ended up being a loner. I found it too hard to make new friends so I used to spend my lunchtimes either hanging out in the library on my own or leaving the school gates to go for a walk on my own, and never went back. I did make some friends, only because they approached me, but these friends turned out to be nasty girls who bullied me a lot of my school years and have just added a hell of a lot to my shyness/depression/AD etc. I had a lot of trouble with attendance all because I didn't like to be on my own and I was scared to face these "friends" of mine. My mum got very angry with me because of it but she nor no one knew the reason why. I have terrible grades because of it, so bad that to this day, 5 years on, my dad still doesn't know what my grades are. I'm just too ashamed to tell him knowing that he will be disappointed.

So when I left school I felt a big relief, but then knowing that I would have to either get a job or go to college scared me more. I started college and went through the same thing, I was a loner, no friends. I had a gap year without intending to, but went back to college doing something else the following year where I found it even worse. I ended up quitting just over halfway through the course, because I was also having trouble with attendance there and they were thinking of taking me off the course anyways.

So now I haven't done anything with my life since I quit that college. I'm supposed to be getting a job but I'm too scared of it. Lots of people put me down about it saying I'm just pathetic and lazy and useless. No one understands why I'm not doing anything apart from my mum and my boyfriend.

I am gutted that I didn't have a chance to do all the things I wanted to do when I was growing up, like going out clubbing with friends, going on holidays with friends, basically hanging out with friends. Still, I can't complain because I feel if any of that didn't happen then I wouldn't have met my boyfriend. & it was through a random forum I came across (just like this one) that I met my boyfriend, and I was in college at the time, on one of my lonerish days. >_<

The only way I have found it easier to meet friends is over the internet. Shame is, I have found one best friend, but she lives all the way up in Scotland, and I'm down in England. I have met her a couple of times though and we get on well, and I get to speak to her over the phone and over MSN all the time. She is the only friend I have that understands me. I'm just glad I have her to talk about things with. & obviously my bf, it took me nearly 2 years to get over my nervousness and shyness to actually meet him, it was a BIG step for me. I'm so glad I did it.

So maybe you should try making friends like I did, though I know its not great. I wish I could make friends like every other normal person. It just seems so darn impossible!

[strawberrysweetie]

Hello and welcome to the forum. I am very sorry to hear you're having such a rough time.

Mar 25, 2010 21:48:08 GMT -5 omgblood said:

Thinking back on what I've missed out because of my SAD/shyness just makes me so depressed. I've been off my SSRIs for a week so I can binge drink(by myself). I guess thats how I celebrate my spring break by myself. But its made me realize how sh*t my life is.

This concerns me. Did you go off of them yourself or the doctor took you off? Have you tried therapy or seeing a counselor in addition to the medication?

High school is really hard. I was really terrified my senior year of high school....my dad caught me crying one day and ended up taking me to see a therapist soon after that. While I didn't stick with it, it was enough of a push to get me to get a job at the store. I wasn't there for very long (was off to college soon anyway), but it did boost my confidence at least a bit. Just to get out there and do something can help.

Basically, what I want to get at is that your future isn't hopeless. You are still very young and have a lot of time ahead of you. Things can get better for you, please hang on to that hope. Keep posting here if you think it helps. Having some support from others, even if only online, can be helpful. You are certainly not alone.