obligated to see in laws??

[mousemarie]

I really want to get others opinions on this issue. Just this past weekend was my grandmother in law's birthday party. I decided not to go because I was sick. My husband went to the party and got there early. When he got there his dad started giving him a hard time because I didn't come. His dad said I was being disrespectful. He also brought up the fact that we had invited him and my mother in law to go to Pennsylvania to see my dad (this was last year that we invited them and they never went). My husband and I have no idea what that has to do with the birthday party. It was almost as if he was throwing it back in our faces for some reason. My husband got so mad he left the party and came home early.
First, I never told them I was coming to the party. Second, I have no interest in spending a lot of time with my in laws. I used to bust my butt to go to every family get together they had just to make them happy. Only to find out I was the one who was miserable. So I stopped going to every get together. I even had a talk with my mother in law last year telling her I wasn't going to be coming by as much. I told her my reasons (some are personal and I don't wish to discuss them here) and she completely understood.
I am an adult and I do not like being told I have to be somewhere. Especially when I don't feel good! I make my own decisions and I am not their child to boss around and tell what to do! This is not the first time my father in law has acted like this and I am sick of it. My own parents never treated me like this.
My husband and I are not even close to his grandma. She just moved here from out of state last year so I hardley even know her.
If anybody has had a similar experience and would like to share advise please do because I am running out of patients with this situation.

[strawberrysweetie]

Well, for this particular situation, I'd have to say it should really not be a big deal, since you were sick.

Don't feel I can comment about much else without details, though. However, I don't think it's necessarily important to attend every single get-together.

I do think there's some sort of obligation there, though, just for family. Just to show you care and are there for each other, if for no one else, then at least for your husband, to be by his side.

Perhaps it depends too, though. If it seems like a toxic, unbearable environment when you're around your in-laws....as in, people making lots of rude remarks, getting into constant arguments, etc...I think that's another story. I think that with some people, it's just impossible to get along with. And in that case, I certainly don't blame you for not wanting to see them very often.

I don't know, though. I don't really have any experience personally. My parents seem to think that two of my brothers-in-law don't seem to want to come around very much, but it's different from what you're talking about.

[mousemarie]

In general I do get along with his family. My husband is always ok if I do not go to a get together. He understands it is not as important for me as it is for him to be there. There have been rude comments made to me by certain members of his family that I didn't like and kind of turned me off to spending a lot of time with them. They seem to want to know all your business and be a part of every part of your life. I am not like that and I do not agree with it. They are my in laws and only one part of my life. Just to give an example a few years ago my mom was dying of breast cancer. It was her birthday and me and my husband were going over to see her. I had a feeling it was going to be the last birthday I would spend with her. So it was a special time. My in laws invited themselves to come along, knowing full well what the situation was. I didn't want them there. If this was going to be my mom's last birthday I didn't want a bunch of people around. So I had to tell them not to come. Meanwhile I felt like the jerk and they were the ones who invited themselves at a very critical time!! At the time my husband and I were not even married yet so they were not my in laws.
So that is just one example of how pushy they can be. I don't appreciate it one bit. I was raised in a laid back family. If someone didn't show up then that was fine. There was never any guilt trip laid on people.
I also don't think I should have to take that kind of treatment from somebody who is only an in law , he is not my real dad, I already have a dad who I love.
I understand about obligation to family. I have been nice to them and tried my best to get along with them. But this time it has gone too far. I am 38 years old and make my own decisions. I am too old to be lectured about weather I attend a function or not.

[Stranger]

Apr 1, 2010 12:56:54 GMT -5 mousemarie said:

I understand about obligation to family. I have been nice to them and tried my best to get along with them. But this time it has gone too far. I am 38 years old and make my own decisions. I am too old to be lectured about weather I attend a function or not.

Hell yeah!

Mar 31, 2010 9:33:41 GMT -5 mousemarie said:

I really want to get others opinions on this issue. Just this past weekend was my grandmother in law's birthday party. I decided not to go because I was sick. My husband went to the party and got there early. When he got there his dad started giving him a hard time because I didn't come. His dad said I was being disrespectful. He also brought up the fact that we had invited him and my mother in law to go to Pennsylvania to see my dad (this was last year that we invited them and they never went). My husband and I have no idea what that has to do with the birthday party. It was almost as if he was throwing it back in our faces for some reason. My husband got so mad he left the party and came home early.

I'm trying to imagine how the conversation between your husband and his family went. How could it go from "she couldn't make it because she's feeling sick" to "how disrespectful!"?

I'm completely guessing of course, but perhaps in this case it was a matter of communicating it in a way that couldn't be taken as a slight. As for the other incidents... I dunno, how often do things end up in disputes? If they seem like the kind of people that can be reasoned with, perhaps your husband could try to talk to them about how you feel. Otherwise, yeesh... I think you're perfectly entitled to keep your time with them to a minimum, for sanity's sake.