1229
Full Member
Posts: 182
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Post by 1229 on May 11, 2011 21:00:59 GMT -5
Anytime!
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cito37
New Member
"I may not have much, but I've more determination than any man you're likely to meet." -Big Fish
Posts: 18
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Post by cito37 on May 17, 2011 12:13:24 GMT -5
Hi!! I just read all of your posts. I'm new here and still in college, so I'm not sure if you'll find anything I say useful, but I'll give it a go. For one thing, you should be proud of yourself for at least one thing, if nothing else, and that's: not giving up. Many people in similar positions, and even positions that aren't as bad, have committed suicide. But you're still here, which means you haven't given up, and already that shows you are strong (I suppose one could argue that weakness is the reason people don't kill themselves, but that's a load of hogwash if you ask me. True it can be hard, but compared to living out your days suffering? I dunno...) Anyway, I find that what helps me a lot is art. Based on your posts, I can see that you are a great writer already! Are you interested in writing stories, drawing, painting, playing music, any of that stuff? I find that when I get into an artistic piece, my mind keeps thinking about the work a lot more than my actual life. In some cases, I have solved my own problems through my own characters without even realizing it! (What happens is... My characters end up being a lot like me and since I like stories with happy endings, I give them happy endings. Then I see how they get to that point and how the same things they go through can apply to me!). I think you also mentioned that you are prevented from doing certain things out of fear. If you just had someone who could keep on top of you or to work with you, that would help a lot. So maybe you can find someone here online who can give you specific goals and ask you about them every now and then (I'd be happy to help if you'd like ). The same thing applies to art if you choose that route. Plus, art websites make it easy to get to know people with similar interests, and even if you don't think your work is good, someone out there in the world will and it's great encouragement! You also mentioned something about defining yourself by your problems. In the quest for oneself, I think it makes it easy to start reeeeally general. So... Are you more of a left-side-of-the-brain type of person or right-side? Do you like math and science or literature and history? And then work your way down from there. For me, my identity comes from my artwork and faith. I'm an artist and a Christian. It gets more specific than that of course (what kinds of art I like, my specific beliefs, etc.) but starting general helps a lot. I was very happy for you when you said that someone asked you to be a part of their wedding! Like you said, it shows that someone really does care. Plus, this person has cared all this time and perhaps you have never realized it. Perhaps there are plenty more people who care about you and you don't even know. You also said that helping people really makes you happy. You can turn your problems into something that can be useful for others. Someday, you will overcome these hardships and you'll be able to advise people going through the same thing. Even now, you are a light for many people on this forum. People will read your story and think, "Gosh, she is able to go through all this! If she can do it, so can I!" Maybe some day, someone will chance upon your story and it will stop them from committing suicide. It might seem a bit extreme, but it happens all the time. The only problem is that we never really know exactly how we help others. But we do! Actually, reading your story has inspired me because I like to write stories about people who are shy/introverted/etc. and when I think of you, I'll remember the people I'm writing my stories for and I will be motivated to keep writing until the story is done! You can also make it a point to help someone, say, every Friday. Go to the supermarket parking lot and find some old person who needs help with the bags or something. I know it's hard (heck, I don't even know if I'd be able to do it), but you can always start smaller. Just walk around town looking for people in need of assistance...like a superhero! Okay this may sound ridiculous, but if you wear a mask, maybe it will help you to be less afraid to talk to someone. I think that would help me, but I never actually tried it for myself. People might think you're weird, but hey, they won't know who you are. ^^; Try to go to places where people would go up to you and ask for help (a lot easier than going up to people yourself...at least for me). Maybe... A subway? People tend to get confused there. Or some other place where people are bound to get lost... Let me know if you'd like more ideas. I was thinking of making a list of ideas starting with really easy and then making the challenges get harder and harder. Helping people really makes me happy too! If I find anything that works, I'd be happy to share. Hmm... Let's see... I think that's all I had to say for now. I forget things easily. ^^; Please keep posting here; I would like to see your progress and it will bring me great comfort as you start to overcome these problems...because you will overcome them. It's sort of like bamboo. During the first few years after being planted, there is relatively little growth. But around the 5th year, it grows 3 feet a day, making it the fastest growing plant in the world!
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Post by urbanspaceman on May 17, 2011 18:09:12 GMT -5
^^The above post is great, inspiring and good advice. And you're great too Strawberry, never ever forget that
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1229
Full Member
Posts: 182
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Post by 1229 on May 17, 2011 19:42:55 GMT -5
Right on!
That's a really good analogy. I'm going to try to keep that in the back of my mind, and use whenever I'm a little down. Thanks.
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Post by Karen on May 17, 2011 21:42:39 GMT -5
And you're great too Strawberry, never ever forget that Yep, your pretty much awesome Strawberry
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Post by strawberrysweetie on May 30, 2011 3:10:49 GMT -5
Hi!! I just read all of your posts. I'm new here and still in college, so I'm not sure if you'll find anything I say useful, but I'll give it a go. For one thing, you should be proud of yourself for at least one thing, if nothing else, and that's: not giving up. Many people in similar positions, and even positions that aren't as bad, have committed suicide. But you're still here, which means you haven't given up, and already that shows you are strong (I suppose one could argue that weakness is the reason people don't kill themselves, but that's a load of hogwash if you ask me. True it can be hard, but compared to living out your days suffering? I dunno...) Anyway, I find that what helps me a lot is art. Based on your posts, I can see that you are a great writer already! Are you interested in writing stories, drawing, painting, playing music, any of that stuff? I find that when I get into an artistic piece, my mind keeps thinking about the work a lot more than my actual life. In some cases, I have solved my own problems through my own characters without even realizing it! (What happens is... My characters end up being a lot like me and since I like stories with happy endings, I give them happy endings. Then I see how they get to that point and how the same things they go through can apply to me!). I think you also mentioned that you are prevented from doing certain things out of fear. If you just had someone who could keep on top of you or to work with you, that would help a lot. So maybe you can find someone here online who can give you specific goals and ask you about them every now and then (I'd be happy to help if you'd like ). The same thing applies to art if you choose that route. Plus, art websites make it easy to get to know people with similar interests, and even if you don't think your work is good, someone out there in the world will and it's great encouragement! You also mentioned something about defining yourself by your problems. In the quest for oneself, I think it makes it easy to start reeeeally general. So... Are you more of a left-side-of-the-brain type of person or right-side? Do you like math and science or literature and history? And then work your way down from there. For me, my identity comes from my artwork and faith. I'm an artist and a Christian. It gets more specific than that of course (what kinds of art I like, my specific beliefs, etc.) but starting general helps a lot. I was very happy for you when you said that someone asked you to be a part of their wedding! Like you said, it shows that someone really does care. Plus, this person has cared all this time and perhaps you have never realized it. Perhaps there are plenty more people who care about you and you don't even know. You also said that helping people really makes you happy. You can turn your problems into something that can be useful for others. Someday, you will overcome these hardships and you'll be able to advise people going through the same thing. Even now, you are a light for many people on this forum. People will read your story and think, "Gosh, she is able to go through all this! If she can do it, so can I!" Maybe some day, someone will chance upon your story and it will stop them from committing suicide. It might seem a bit extreme, but it happens all the time. The only problem is that we never really know exactly how we help others. But we do! Actually, reading your story has inspired me because I like to write stories about people who are shy/introverted/etc. and when I think of you, I'll remember the people I'm writing my stories for and I will be motivated to keep writing until the story is done! You can also make it a point to help someone, say, every Friday. Go to the supermarket parking lot and find some old person who needs help with the bags or something. I know it's hard (heck, I don't even know if I'd be able to do it), but you can always start smaller. Just walk around town looking for people in need of assistance...like a superhero! Okay this may sound ridiculous, but if you wear a mask, maybe it will help you to be less afraid to talk to someone. I think that would help me, but I never actually tried it for myself. People might think you're weird, but hey, they won't know who you are. ^^; Try to go to places where people would go up to you and ask for help (a lot easier than going up to people yourself...at least for me). Maybe... A subway? People tend to get confused there. Or some other place where people are bound to get lost... Let me know if you'd like more ideas. I was thinking of making a list of ideas starting with really easy and then making the challenges get harder and harder. Helping people really makes me happy too! If I find anything that works, I'd be happy to share. Hmm... Let's see... I think that's all I had to say for now. I forget things easily. ^^; Please keep posting here; I would like to see your progress and it will bring me great comfort as you start to overcome these problems...because you will overcome them. It's sort of like bamboo. During the first few years after being planted, there is relatively little growth. But around the 5th year, it grows 3 feet a day, making it the fastest growing plant in the world! So, cito37....right now I just want to say, that this is...in a nutshell...an awesome response you've given me. And it definitely deserves a decent response back from me. I've intended on giving you one, but just haven't been able to...due to both circumstances and...now just my really negative mood causing me to not be able to think clearly. :S But I do appreciate it, thank you. And hopefully I can give a proper response sometime soon.
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Post by strawberrysweetie on Jun 13, 2011 14:31:09 GMT -5
"a weak moment"....I don't even want to define what that means...or what it meant at the time of starting this thread. And at least that's not what this is right now. Some days I feel like I'll be okay. But today...is just one of those days where I feel like I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. SO FUCKING NEGATIVE ABOUT EVERYTHING! I swear. I fucking hate being like this. ooo...I hear the icecream truck outside :S...........distracting..... lol. At least it disrupted my thoughts for a sec. Anyway.......fuck I don't know what I was going to say now. akdfjaoiefhwoeivnaeoighaioegnva,sdcnoiewiutghbaekdfnvapowejfhiwaegbvnawolekfjwioefbweoifnowiefhaowiefhasdkjvnaowiefhiwehfoawierjfoeiawhfoaiwefn yeah, so...I woke up, feeling so down and crappy. I pushed through my exercises for the day...though I was beating myself up even through that. I swear...sometimes all the bullshit that goes through my head just NEVER SHUTS UP. I'm so tired of all of this. It's like............in a certain way, life is set up to be somewhat easy. At least school....went OKAY for me. You know, I knew how to make the grade. And now....that just doesn't matter. None of it ever did. I tried to be a good kid. I strive to be a decent human being. And none of it seems to fucking matter. I'm just not cut out for this. I really don't feel like I am. And yet...I haven't even really begun. STILL. I've just avoided so much shit all these years...and now it's definitely come to bite me in the ass. Big time. I feel so screwed. They say (they, meaning...I don't know who exactly...but... )....that you're given no more than what you can't handle. If I worded that right. :S In some ways, I feel like....well, compared to others...my life is like a walk around Disneyland. So many people have it so much worse. And yet, here I am...complaining. And I feel bad for that. I feel bad for anything I think. Or do. Or say. And I don't even know if that makes sense. I don't even understand myself half the time. I just feel very alone. And that whole "every man is an island" thing really resonates with me right now. I'm just sad and feeling really pathetic and losery-like right now. *sigh* Anyway. I really don't have a choice now. I have to find something. I have to stop comparing myself to other people. I have got to fucking...yeah, stop that. 'cause it's all I do...and it eats away at me every second. I've got to stop. I've got to stop caring about what other people think of me. I've got to stop thinking everyone else is right somehow while I'm always wrong. I have got to learn to fucking trust myself. It sounds weird to say that, but I really can't trust myself lately. I'm just so....weird and mixed-up and confused...and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm going to try and not post again until I have something worth mentioning. Until I've taken actual action. And I intend to do so....TOMORROW. I absolutely have to tomorrow. Use today to work on getting shit together. And I will call a certain place TOMORROW. I will. I will. I will. I FUCKING WILL!!!!!!!!!!!! Because I don't have a choice. The alternative is even worse. Guess that's it for now. I probably should have put a warning about how depressing and negative this all would wind up sounding.....but, I also assume...that anyone who knows me on this forum will expect it from me anyway. Pardon all the nasty language. I don't even cuss around people, really. Just by myself. But I'm with myself most all the time. And technically, I'm by myself right now....sooo...yeah. This is just how it's come out. I've just needed to let it out again. (and I'll probably hate myself even more for even posting this )
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Post by strawberrysweetie on Jul 2, 2011 16:06:39 GMT -5
I'm going to try and not post again until I have something worth mentioning. Until I've taken actual action. And I intend to do so....TOMORROW. I absolutely have to tomorrow. Use today to work on getting shit together. And I will call a certain place TOMORROW. I will. I will. I will. I FUCKING WILL!!!!!!!!!!!! Because I don't have a choice. The alternative is even worse. Well, so much for that, eh? I feel like I've taken a trillion steps backward. And I fear that I'm going to be taking even more steps backward in the next couple of months. That is the worst case scenario. The perhaps even worse thing..is realizing that I can only depend on myself to get myself out of this. Sometimes talking to people makes things worse, I think...messes with my mind even more. I just....notice all the little subtleties. And my brain makes of them what it wants to. I'm at a time where I'm really desperately needing to draw strength from within myself in order to move forward at all...and it just doesn't seem to be there. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I just feel broken. And like a big pile of stinking shit. I've got nothing. Obviously...this isn't helping. Thinking about all this crap...writing about it....trying to sort out my thoughts....doesn't help. Perhaps makes it worse. I need to just shut the fuck up and forget about everything. Forget about what I don't have. Forget about all the fucking stupidity I've done in the past and (even more stupidly) continue to do. If only. I wish I could just wipe the slate completely clean. Start over. Preferably as someone else (someone better). Or just not be here to begin with. Oh, if that option only existed. I'd run with it in a heartbeat. Currently, it just feels like there's no point to anything. I can't believe I still fucking fall into this pattern. Finding myself sitting in misery, feeling sorry for myself. When....other people have it so much harder. And I've played a role in the way things have turned out anyway. I avoided shit. I continue to avoid shit. My brain is just that fucked up and useless. Often, in regards to all of this...I think I feel as though I've just come to accept this, in a way. And so I feel nothing. I mean, I fairly constantly feel shitty, but I'm used to it. But some moments...the pain of it all just comes rushing back. Always there to haunt me. All the negativity comes flooding back to sabotage any effort I do put into trying. I just feel sick about everything. Completely disillusioned with life. And I'm obviously terrified of EVERYTHING. hmm. There has been a halt in my thinking. Maybe the writing it out does help...a tiiiiiny bit. A purging of the negativity in my mind, so to speak. Temporarily anyway. Until the next time my mind feels as though it's about to explode from all the thoughts that build up... I feel mostly unwell these days. Nothing to really look forward to at the moment. My days really need more structure. I do know that much. Off and on isn't good enough. It needs to be more constant than what it is. And more needs to be happening. I had started waking up earlier......which was serving me well. And then the last week ended up getting shitty again for some reason. :S These final thoughts are ending up pretty much unrelated and sporadic, but whatever.... I don't think I have the energy in me to go back "home" this weekend. I went last weekend and it kind of brought me down more, I think. Even though that's the opposite of what I had hoped would happen. But, I should've known really. That often happens. And I'm not entirely sure why. :S My family's not even shitty to me. I can't imagine what it would be like if they were. I definitely don't think I'd still be lingering around. It's amazing really. However my brain perceives stuff. Self-sabotage. Idiocy. But yeah, I really hate that town mostly. So very much. So, I guess I'll be spending the holiday alone. Which'll be the first time for this holiday. *shrug* I figure I'm no fun and no good to be around the way I currently am anyway. Oh well. I feel slightly better atm, thank god. Now hopefully I can get my head out of my ass long enough....and over the next few days can get a certain something accomplished. I've said it before. And it often winds up being an empty promise to myself. Buuuuuuuuuut whatever. I'll just continue to say it until I actually get it done....
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Post by strawberrysweetie on Jul 26, 2011 4:12:23 GMT -5
I probably shouldn't be doing this, but......here I go again.... I wish I could just wipe the slate completely clean. Start over. Preferably as someone else (someone better). It's pretty eerie for me to go back and read what I wrote here in this last post...because of what happened just about an hour and half after having written that. Maybe it's one of those warnings...."Be careful what you wish for." Which, obviously (I mean, this is 'me' we're talking about), I'm most likely not going to learn anything from it. Because I think I'm kind of like an animal who tries to escape the same way, though some sort of electric fence....instead of being a deterrent, I just go back, getting shocked...again, and again, and again.... ahem, anyway... right. So, that, a warning. Or....an answer from the universe. Basically. I was being total shit. And not making any decisions. And, something happened to where, a hell of a big decision had been made for me. FIRE!!!!!!!!!! "home" destroyed. Left with only one place to go back to. And now...I'm pretty much in the place that I called my "worst case scenario." Except, I have very mixed feelings now. I knew I may very well wind up back here, but I thought it would be more due to poor choice, rather than necessity. And so it came a lot sooner than expected. And now I'm left not knowing entirely what's happened. I mean, it's obvious what happened, but I'm still left feeling... Is it true what they say? That the energy you put out is the type of energy you get back from the world? If so, then....damn. I wouldn't have asked for an "answer," had I known it meant other people suffering as a result. Then again, this is stupid thinking on my part, yet again. Like I have that kind of power. These things just happen. And it's just a complete coincidence. It's not like I hadn't been asking for answers the rest of my life. It's just weird. Everything feels like it happens all at once. In just one day, from one incident, your life could completely change. And through no direct doing of your own. hmm... So anyway, here I find myself in the exact place I know I once swore to myself I'd do anything in my power to avoid coming back. I hate this town so much, words can't even accurately describe it, I don't think. I just constantly feel like I'm suffocating, stuck. And I feel it more and more, the more days pass, as I'm definitely settling into reality...once again. I'm back to square one. Completely now. I mean...aside from family (and yes, that's a big deal, and for that I should be grateful and not complaining at all....) but ...I really have nothing. In the words of someone else...I basically saved most everything, but lost my freedom. And it's true. I lost any independence I had really. I feel I have almost nearly a complete loss of privacy. I feel constantly distracted and all too easily give into distractions. I'm too easily influenceable, and that pisses me off to no end. It's really an adjustment for me, to have people in my face and in my business all the time...which is what it feels like, anyway. Still, I'm torn, though. Between, trying to view this as a positive thing and yet having that massive negative tug within me keep myself at war constantly. Even though I shouldn't be giving it any thought at all. I mean, it is what it is, you know? I can't change what happened. All I can do is focus on the future, make the best of what is. But yet, my emotions run deep...and run me over most the time. My stupid fucking idiotic brain can't just look at the positives. So, negatively speaking........ I want to say that what has happened is complete BULLSHIT. Why does this weird crap happen to me ALL the fucking time? Why is it that things always work out in such a way to where I can continue to be babied and enabled to put certain things off? WHAT THE HELL?!?!? Also, I feel at great fault. Because, had I made decisions on my own, I shouldn't be where I'm at right now. I could still be independent. I could be moving forward. But NO. I'm a fucking moron...I pissed away countless opportunities And now where the fuck am I? Back to square fucking one. *deep sigh* Feeling like I'm in this standstill postion, for an undetermined period of time...and feeling really, really REALLY super impatient. Because all this just means that I have to wait sooooooooooo much longer for life to even begin for myself. I don't feel as if I'm going to live my own life for a very long time (what seems forever to me, anyway.) Should a real separate life even exist for me at all. Oddly, the one thing driving me most crazy...is also perhaps the one thing saving me. Uncertainty. If I knew exactly...that, this is all there is. That I'm going to die here without experiencing anything else. Then....I don't even think I need to say it. And plus I don't want to, so OKAY now...whatever positivity exists in my brain....let's see what's there.... A part of me thinks that what has happened, happened for the best. That, this (moving back home) was a thing I was considering anyway...that really, in the long run, it might be the wisest decision ever. And so, therefore, considering "the universe" made this decision for me....maybe it's just what is meant to have happened, anyway? Maybe I'm just meant to be where I'm at right now, for whatever reason. Maybe this is the exact place I need to be in order to find some sort of peace within myself (which I really hope I'm able to achieve...)... And now, since it's not technically through my own doing (it wasn't technically my decision)....that sort of gave me a bit of relief, I think. (though, I feel guilty somehow in saying that) It's a big deal to be here where I'm at right now. And now I have an excuse. People can't necessarily look at me and judge me for it because of how I got here. So...this could potentially be the best thing...if I look at it as a way to move myself forward. Stay here, get a job....make some money, pay down some debt...and most importantly....SAVE SAVE SAVE. So that I can get the hell out of here and perhaps have the ability to go wherever I desire to go, which is what I've wanted for my entire life. Yeah, so. That's about it. And the fact that I can have at least some people to talk to, family. I love them bunches, don't get me wrong. I think it's a great thing I've been given the opportunity to perhaps strengthen the relationships I have with people even more, while I can. Because you never know what happens later on. The only way I get myself through sometimes...is to consider everything that happens, to have happened for some reason. To believe that, in the end, things turn out the way they do for the best. For whatever reason. Even if it seems completely f*cked up and unbearable at the time. In saying this, I still want to cry, though. I crave human connection...friendships, I guess...companionship, whatever. Outside of family, and it's not happening. It won't happen for a long time now, and this saddens me. I really have no desire to meet people here, though. (if new people near my age even exist here) What's the point? So, I also simultaneously feel sort of anti-social...not that that even makes any sense necessarily. I just want to leave already, though. LEAVE LEAVE LEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAVVEEEEEEEEE...all the past behind. Throw caution to the wind. Take a huge risk. Move forward. Become independent. waaaaaaaah. So instead, in the meantime, I suppose I'll just continue to throw my tantrums and cry like a little baby. Yeah, and I feel completely guilty for even complaining, given the circumstances. Given the fact that some people have absolutely nothing for real....no home, no family, no possessions, whatever. Or those that lack the basic essentials to even survive. I only just heard about the stuff going on in Somalia on the news about a week ago. The drought, the famine. The footage of people who truly have nothing. Kids who are starving and are near death because they don't even have any food. That is the most disturbing thing ever. Randomly those images keep popping into my brain...and yet...I still fucking complain about the littlest things?? "omg...I hate it here...I feel I'm suffocating....all the sidewalks in town are messed up...blah, blah, blah." I feel like an ungrateful bitch. I once watched a documentary titled something like "Born into Brothels"....and remember seeing some of the kids in it (Kids who weren't yet into prostitution, but grew up in that environment and were likely to enter into it...and were smart enough to know it already)...anyway...there was a point in the film where, one of the questions to them was how they could still be happy? Or show signs of happiness, since they would still smile and play, like ordinary kids do...in spite of where they were growing up and how they were treated. And one of the kids said something like, "You have to accept that life is full of pain and sadness..." I'm not entirely sure what else was said, but that had struck me. I don't know, I guess it's just that...in spite of all the bad, they could still experience good things. It should be inspiring. They were smart kids. I kept thinking they more deserved to have a postion such as mine. They're smart and deserve opportunities. Not the crap hand they were given. And if I could, I'd rather them have my place. I mean, I completely fuck up all the time. And piss away any opportunities I've ever had. It's pathetic. IT'S NOT FAIR. I have no idea why I'm here. And question it constantly. What's the point? But what's the point in even thinking it? Analyzing every goddamn thing? I wish I wouldn't. I wish I could just leave the past behind. And move forward properly. Stop being so consumed by myself and find other things to be passionate about...things which I could do that would actually make a difference to others. I'm at a dead end. Anyway, first thing's first. I still need to do what I said I would do a while back. GET A JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOB. Seriously. Hopefully that will help a bit. To get out of here and doing something other than hating myself 100% of the time. Shoot me now, lol
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Post by Rose on Jul 26, 2011 15:41:52 GMT -5
Aww...be kind to yourself, strawberries. *hugs* Especially during the weak moments. I know it's hard in the midst of frustration, but trust me, it helps make things stronger in the long run.
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Post by strawberrysweetie on Jul 27, 2011 13:05:25 GMT -5
Aww...be kind to yourself, strawberries. *hugs* Especially during the weak moments. I know it's hard in the midst of frustration, but trust me, it helps make things stronger in the long run. Thank you, Rose. Being kind to myself is something I definitely need to work on. :S
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cito37
New Member
"I may not have much, but I've more determination than any man you're likely to meet." -Big Fish
Posts: 18
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Post by cito37 on Jul 27, 2011 16:04:12 GMT -5
Yeah, and I feel completely guilty for even complaining, given the circumstances. I once watched a documentary titled something like "Born into Brothels"....and remember seeing some of the kids in it (Kids who weren't yet into prostitution, but grew up in that environment and were likely to enter into it...and were smart enough to know it already)...anyway...there was a point in the film where, one of the questions to them was how they could still be happy? Or show signs of happiness, since they would still smile and play, like ordinary kids do...in spite of where they were growing up and how they were treated. And one of the kids said something like, "You have to accept that life is full of pain and sadness..." I'm not entirely sure what else was said, but that had struck me. I don't know, I guess it's just that...in spite of all the bad, they could still experience good things. It should be inspiring. They were smart kids. I kept thinking they more deserved to have a postion such as mine. They're smart and deserve opportunities. Not the crap hand they were given. And if I could, I'd rather them have my place. I mean, I completely fuck up all the time. And piss away any opportunities I've ever had. It's pathetic. IT'S NOT FAIR. I can certainly sympathize with feeling ungrateful... I feel like I have no right to complain at all about anything. But sometimes, I tell myself, it's probably okay because no matter where you live and in what conditions, you're going to have problems. And who's to say which problems are worse than others? Maybe there are people who would prefer to be starving than to be shy and isolated from people. So please don't feel guilty about that! Also, sometimes when I feel bad about my inability to make friends, I think of my Japanese professor. See, he says he doesn't have any friends, but he's not shy at all! (Or at least he doesn't seem that way...) He is very friendly and nice, but he says that he has trouble making friends. He had a point. Even if you go to a club or party or something, isn't kind of weird to go up to someone and start talking? How exactly does it work? It seems like whenever I go to a club at school, everyone already knows each other and they don't seem interested in making new friends... The point of saying all this is that it's okay and you shouldn't be frustrated with yourself if you have trouble making friends or anything like that. In fact, most of the people at my group therapy sessions say they want to avoid groups of friends because it creates too many problems and drama. It's just so hard to find the right people. Uh, I guess the reason I posted all this was to attempt to help you feel less bad about your position. Anyway, is there any way you can make friends through your family members? Maybe they can help you? Also, I think I saw that film about the brothels... It sounds familiar... Ahem, anyway, I hope some of this helps, even if only a little. Good luck with everything! ^^
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Post by strawberrysweetie on Jul 29, 2011 2:36:16 GMT -5
I can certainly sympathize with feeling ungrateful... I feel like I have no right to complain at all about anything. But sometimes, I tell myself, it's probably okay because no matter where you live and in what conditions, you're going to have problems. And who's to say which problems are worse than others? Maybe there are people who would prefer to be starving than to be shy and isolated from people. So please don't feel guilty about that! Also, sometimes when I feel bad about my inability to make friends, I think of my Japanese professor. See, he says he doesn't have any friends, but he's not shy at all! (Or at least he doesn't seem that way...) He is very friendly and nice, but he says that he has trouble making friends. He had a point. Even if you go to a club or party or something, isn't kind of weird to go up to someone and start talking? How exactly does it work? It seems like whenever I go to a club at school, everyone already knows each other and they don't seem interested in making new friends... The point of saying all this is that it's okay and you shouldn't be frustrated with yourself if you have trouble making friends or anything like that. In fact, most of the people at my group therapy sessions say they want to avoid groups of friends because it creates too many problems and drama. It's just so hard to find the right people. Uh, I guess the reason I posted all this was to attempt to help you feel less bad about your position. Anyway, is there any way you can make friends through your family members? Maybe they can help you? Also, I think I saw that film about the brothels... It sounds familiar... Ahem, anyway, I hope some of this helps, even if only a little. Good luck with everything! ^^ Thanks for the response, cito37. It did make me feel a little bit better after reading it. Anyway, is there any way you can make friends through your family members? Maybe they can help you? That's interesting. I'm now wondering if anyone ever meets friends or has mutual friends with their siblings, lol. Anyway, I don't think so. But thanks for the suggestion. It's just that...the age gaps in my family create a significant difference between where I'm at in my life and where they are currently at in their lives. My older sibs are married with children and my younger ones are still in HS and lower. Maybe it's just being picky too, but I don't know...I find it a little weird trying to be friends with someone who's in a relationship or who has children. To me, their life just seems to end up being consumed by that....that's what their talk revolves around and it's hard to relate having been single my whole life, not dating, and no kids. Oddly...my mom asked me about my old "friends"......I was like, "umm...I've never had that many and most are away from here..." and she reminded me of one girl who's still in town. I never really got the chance to get too close to her, though we do have similar personalities/styles. But, she's also married and has kids. I found it awkward being at their house the last time I saw her. I'm not entirely sure if that's just me being weird, or if that's normal....though I would assume if I was married and had kids, we'd have a whole lot more to talk about and relate to. Anyway, I don't know. Being where I'm at now, I'm all too easily falling back (and hard) into old habits. There's this family thing tomorrow that I had the option of going to, but I've apparently decided I'm not going, since there's no way I'm going to be able to wake up for it. And there's a baby shower I was invited to, which is on Saturday....and I'm feeling extremely avoidant. I don't feel like going. I don't feel like seeing anyone. I'm just feeling more and more like scum. I know I'll regret not going to both thing, but....*sigh* I'm just not feeling up to it. I haven't decided about the Saturday thing yet, though... My big deal with that, is the knowledge that I'll likely run into several people from my high school class, and that's really just something I don't care to do. grrrr aslfoaiejfowaeifnalkdfnaoiefwoiefwjoeklfwnael Also, I think this is partly an example of how I lose friends! One would think the realization of this would be enough for me to push myself into going...
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cito37
New Member
"I may not have much, but I've more determination than any man you're likely to meet." -Big Fish
Posts: 18
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Post by cito37 on Jul 30, 2011 19:37:31 GMT -5
That makes sense. I think I'd feel the same way, but maybe you can ask questions about the other person to make the conversation drift? Though I suppose it would just end up going back to kids and stuff.... Hmmm... I know just how you feel! Usually when we have family gatherings at my house, I just stay in my room because I'm afraid to talk to my own family. T.T So I usually stay home when I'm invited to other places... You should try thinking of something that would make you excited to go. No clue what that would be... Maybe if you set goals for yourself, like, "I will say hi to so-and-so and ask her about her career." Or something like that. That's what I'm going to try to do next time... But no matter what, you should definitely go! Er, definitely have gone (just realized it's Saturday). Okay, well for next time, if while you're at a party or something, you feel too anxious or something, just say you're going to sit outside for a bit or something like that 'cause you're not feeling well. Or stay in the bathroom, hehe. XD Did you end up going to the baby shower? If so, let us know how it went.
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Post by strawberrysweetie on Aug 4, 2011 1:41:19 GMT -5
That makes sense. I think I'd feel the same way, but maybe you can ask questions about the other person to make the conversation drift? Though I suppose it would just end up going back to kids and stuff.... Hmmm... Well, maybe that's partly an excuse for my being a poor conversationalist to begin with, I don't know. Because, even with single people, I'll still run out of things to say. Maybe a huge thing to begin with is needing to find someone/people with common interests/shared activities. I don't think I can say that I've ever really had anyone like that in my life. And here in this town, it definitely doesn't help that there really isn't anything to do! But yeah, even so...I just feel so bad whenever I have nothing to add to a conversation. I only seem to do well with people who like to talk about themselves. :S I mean, I think I'm decent at asking questions, it's just that I don't really ever have much to say back, since I don't really get around to doing anything. You can ask only so many questions before the other person tends to want more from you. But then the more I avoid people for this reason, then the worse I get since I'll have even less to say....*sigh* I know just how you feel! Usually when we have family gatherings at my house, I just stay in my room because I'm afraid to talk to my own family. T.T So I usually stay home when I'm invited to other places... You should try thinking of something that would make you excited to go. No clue what that would be... Maybe if you set goals for yourself, like, "I will say hi to so-and-so and ask her about her career." Or something like that. That's what I'm going to try to do next time... But no matter what, you should definitely go! Er, definitely have gone (just realized it's Saturday). Okay, well for next time, if while you're at a party or something, you feel too anxious or something, just say you're going to sit outside for a bit or something like that 'cause you're not feeling well. Or stay in the bathroom, hehe. XD Did you end up going to the baby shower? If so, let us know how it went. Okay, so...yeah, I did end up making it to the baby shower. Luckily. I was 10 minutes late, though, since I woke up kind of late. :S I almost used that as an excuse, but it didn't end up being a big deal since they hadn't started yet. While there, and immediately afterward, I was soooooooo glad I went, though. Just because, it would've been really sucky for me not to have. Flakiness in others bothers me quite a bit, so I'd hate to be flaky myself. I would've hated myself had I not gone. I mean, I even had a gift and had RSVPed a week earlier with a 'yes.' Plus, just....it just would've made me an incredibly sucky friend if I didn't go, since I didn't have a valid excuse. I was also lucky, since the only other person I knew from high school was the host. Who I've always thought was perfect in every way, btw. She's nice enough, though. I felt slightly awkward, though, since a couple of years ago I had deleted her off my facebook (along with tons of others from my high school). Which wasn't even anything to do with them really...just the fact that I hardly ever spoke to anyone, wanted to escape the past, and didn't see a point in having people on there that I don't communicate with. Really, I feel I have way too many people on there right now.......... okay, getting off track. Anyway. I don't know, it went okay. The only other friends she had there were two others she knew from college...people I had never met before. I felt mostly alone while there, but she just sat me down with them. Plus, later on, one older lady from her church started talking to me quite a bit. She was incredibly nice. So, that was kind of nice, I have to admit...just to get out and kind of be around people. I am also glad I went, since I know that if I start by avoiding EVERYTHING, I'll just get progressively worse and even more avoidant and fearful of people. ------------ hmmm So anyway. I've been feeling really shitty lately still. Just progressively getting worse, it seems I don't think I can do this. Live in this town. What I feared is happening. This town just makes me feel so lazy and depressed. And apathetic even. Which is probably the worst of all! Yeah, I think I feared the depression the most. I felt like this would happen. I had sort of had somewhat of a control on that (or so I felt), but it's getting increasingly difficult for me to find anything positive. I swear to god, there is nothing to do in this town. Even going for a walk kind of pisses me off. I just can't feel good for anything mostly. I don't look forward to anything. Plus, this heat this summer is killing me....can't stand it. When it's all humid, hot, sticky...just leaving me feeling even more gross than I already do. And this town is filled with several weird smells. :S And the dogs I walk past are annoying as hell. One even approached me a few days ago...he seemed kind of vicious...came running up to me, all growling, barking and showing his teeth. Luckily got around him, I think it maybe helped that the owner was nearby, but he still didn't do much. Like about 10 seconds after walking away, he finally said, "Sorry about that." I greatly, greatly, GREATLY miss my walking/nature trail most of all, I think. I think that place saved me in the other town I lived in. I MISS IT SO MUCH!!!!!!!!! I need to get the hell out of here. The sooner, the better. oh yeah... I do have a job interview set up. For next Tuesday. I have a feeling there must be quite a few applicants for the position. Of course, I feel like I don't feel like I've got a chance in hell. But, I've got an interview, right? I think it just means that I must be able to make myself sound good on paper. I'm terrified. Not looking forward to it. This job would be good for me, potentially career-wise. Surprisingly, it is related to my degree, so it could give me experience I need...and further let me realize whether or not this area is something I'd like to pursue or not. And, oddly...I had looked up more information on the position for a different site, and you know those career tests? Well, the 3 main areas it said it fit in (S-social/I-investigative/A-Artistic)...are the 3 exact areas of main interest of mine, according to that test anyway. So, that's kind of cool. But I don't think I'm going to get it. I don't have enough confidence. I'll speak all stupidly during the interview. And even worse, if I did get the job, I have serious doubts as to whether or not I'd be able to handle it. I mean, afterall...it is an interactive/social job. I'm too out of practice, man! Why is it the social jobs that have to appeal to me, though? Doesn't make sense with the way I am. *sigh* I'm killing myself, though, it feels. The way I think. The negativity is consuming me lately, and I'm just destroying myself slowly. I desperately need to either figure out something that I can enjoy while I'm here( )...or I need to figure out how to get the hell out of here, as soon as possible. Regarding the latter, there are ideas in mind, I just (obviously) have lacked the guts/courage to go through with any of them.
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