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Post by Karen on Sept 15, 2011 23:49:30 GMT -5
I suppose we both can at least take a bit of comfort in knowing that we aren't completely alone? Indeed. Though I am sorry you also have trouble getting comfortable with people, its very frustrating. I get annoyed with myself sometimes for being so guarded.
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cito37
New Member
"I may not have much, but I've more determination than any man you're likely to meet." -Big Fish
Posts: 18
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Post by cito37 on Oct 2, 2011 16:57:37 GMT -5
I have the same problem making friends. It takes me too long to get comfortable around people.
I was reading a book that said you had to be persistent and take initiative, like calling the person and asking to go out for coffee or something. Of course, that's hard for us shy people, but lately I've actually been making an effort.
Shy people tend to think things like, "Well, what if they don't want to hang out with me and they just agree to come to be nice?" I don't know if that's your problem, but if it is, this might be the time for their opinion to change about you. Or you might think, "Well, if they really wanted to hang out, they would've asked me." But they might be thinking that as well (about you).
Taking risks is soo hard. I know I'm usually a coward when it comes to these things, but I try to think of inspirational figures, quotes, songs, whatever comes to mind. XD
But don't beat yourself up for being in this situation. Plenty of extroverted people are in the same boat. For them, friends come and go, but they don't have anyone they're particularly close to.
Sometimes it's just a matter of waiting for the right person to come along.
Anyway, I hope you keep getting happier. Smile every time you see a bird. Birds are cool. ^^;
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Post by strawberrysweetie on Nov 6, 2011 13:55:45 GMT -5
She caves. She always caves. She makes herself sound even more stupid by speaking in third person.... What the fuck am I doing??? I should not be here. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!!?!??!!?In spite of promising myself, I'd not be back, here I am. Breaking a promise to myself. Testing this out. I'm trying to figure out what will work for me. How to cope. I don't know how to cope properly. I've never learned. Sometimes, I find myself pacing around, like a caged mad animal. My mom and sister even pointed it out...."you look like a caged animal"--Because I am! lol *sigh* I don't know how things are going to go. I don' t know how things are going to work out. I've at least detached myself from this place enough to focus on trying to get a job....................which I start tomorrow. And I'm terrified. Really fucking terrified. But I can't tell anyone I know, express in this way, just how terrified I am. Nobody would understand. Not to mention, I think this position is going to put me in way over my head. As a chronic socially anxious/shy/quiet person.....I just keep asking myself....'What the hell do you think you're doing?? Do you really think you'll be able to do this job? Do you really think you'll like this at all and be able to succeed? REALLY?' Obviously, I have serious doubts as to how I'll do. Holy fuck, I don't even necessarily know yet what I've gotten myself into. I just fucking....UGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I fucking hate myself. Also, I'm really fucking lonely. And I find myself asking myself (:S)....what the flying fuck is loneliness anyway? ?? How can you possibly have people in your life, yet still feel so fucking lonely? I have family, and I actually, sort of, have one friend around............and yet, it's like......it's not enough. What the fuck do I want? What the fuck am I doing? What the hell do I expect? Why can't I ever find ease? And, let alone love, why can't I, in the very least, like myself? Why do I have such a severe lack of self confidence? Why can't I just come to terms with things and just accept myself? For all that I am, flaws and all. Only then, I think, is when I'll ever make any true progress. But I never had any of those feelings to begin with, I swear. It's like I was broken from the start. Always so fucking unsure of myself, even as a child. With no real reason to be such a way. It's just...really bizarre. I wish this intense and chronic feeling of sadness would just disappear. I so wish I was just never born in the first place. That I never existed at all. My life is so fucking pointless. We'll see how things work out in the coming months, I suppose. god, how I hate waiting around, not knowing how things'll turn out. It's like I'm just waiting for the next terrible thing to happen. Apprehensiveness. Impending doom. Constantly. Especially now. I don't know if writing this shit out helps or not, I haven't decided. I just feel so alone. I keep fucking myself up, more and more. I don't know what to do. Only I can save myself. And I just don't know what the hell to do. I can't even necessarily trust my own instincts anymore. Any gut feeling I have. They're just feelings, and don't necessarily mean anything. All this anxiety, is all in my head. I'm a fucking crazy person. I still don't like the thought of resorting to meds. Even in applying to certain programs and stuff, it's a shame that that sort of thing can get in the way. Any time I see a form that asks if I currently or ever have experienced things like an anxiety and depression....I think "HELL YES, OF COURSE" while checking "No." I'm all for honesty and everything, but when it comes to things like this, you know checking it would be a very negative thing in the eyes of another. Holy shit. Speaking of "holy"...it's Sunday. My family seems to be starting to go to church again, all because my little sister got scared of a dream she had, which told her bad things were happening and that maybe she should go to church. That seems to be one of my grandpas answers to shit going south, too. He claims to have had a near death experience, which apparently affected him. He's always gone to church, though, I think........but anyway.. I just don't really care anymore. It seems pointless to me. The more and more I think about it, the more it seems I lean more towards not believing in the existence of a God. Holy fucking-a...........I swear, ask me that around 10 years or so ago, and I would have never ever expected myself to feel this way. Just another fucking belief down the gutter. I don't even really care for the holidays anymore. I saw Christmas decorations in the store already, and just felt a negative reaction within me. I just don't care. I'd rather avoid them. I don't care about getting presents. And it's a pain in the ass to give people presents, just because.....jeeze...all the money spent that people don't really have that goes towards these holidays. And then you never know what people want, or there's just too many people to buy for, so they wind up as crappy gifts anyway, and if people don't like their gifts for some reason, you can sense it........And then, anymore, the day comes and goes...and you wonder what the hell all the fuss in anticipation was all about. The one day is over in a flash. Yet another year of nothing gone by. I'm clearly going to be a total scrooge this year. bah humbug I already told my family to do what they want to do this year, if that means traveling to see other family. But that I don't really want to go. Hopefully I'll be working anyway (as long as this job works out). I also told them to not get me anything...I really don't want anyone to. The holidays are just another day. A part of me wonders if this all makes me a really bad person. All the negativity, the cynicism. I know the holidays should be about family...and I do love the people in my life. I just, I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel alone. I feel pissed off at the world. It hurts to get too close to people. I don't see how anyone can feel happiness in such a shitty world. There's this self-affirmation I once came across which was, "Everything I need is already within me." --which goes along with the whole idea that you really shouldn't need external things/circumstances to be a certain way in order to be happy. I try and tell myself this sometimes, but I just can't feel it for any real amount of time. I wish I could find comfort in something. Anyway, posting this is a test, for myself. In spite of feeling like it may be a bad idea. To see if it makes me feel at all better, or if it just makes me feel even worse. I even tried to convince myself to wait another day, since I have something going on tomorrow, but I just don't feel good. Time goes by so slowly, yet now a little more quickly since I have something ahead...yet still agonizing and slow. Nothing I say makes sense. :S I can't find peace. I'm constantly restless. At this very moment, I feel as though any progress I had made by moving away, is pretty much nearly gone. I do think that I am a tiiiiiiiiiiny bit better around certain people, and a tiiiiiiiiiny bit more aware that certain things and feelings I have just aren't that big of a deal, as I used to make them out to be. But, I still feel as though I've made pretty much a 360 degree turn here, back to the person I used to be. Or maybe it's just the person I've always been, I don't know. It's just this, being here, being me. I hate everything. I'm tired of all this shit and don't know how much more of this I can take. I just need for something to go right. I need to find a job that'll work for me, give me some sort of a purpose. I hope so much that with this job, I'll be able to forget about myself and just focus on the work, the other people. Just fucking forget about myself and do a good job. I wish I had more confidence. I wish I could at least believe in myself. Maybe there's a tiiiiny bit of hope within me, that I can do this, otherwise, I wouldn't bother at all, right? Right? Right? lol yeah, I'm going to ignore the fact that this is possibly a self-fulfilling prophecy and go ahead and say that....all this probably means that an epic failure is about to occur. I feel like a massive pile of stinking shit. and against better common sense...I'm shoving my ego aside and posting this, I guess...
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Post by Tal on Nov 6, 2011 14:54:25 GMT -5
Sorry to hear your still feeling down and lonely strawb (same here tbh), but well done on getting a new job...that alone is a difficult thing to do these days. Nice to see you back posting.
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Post by Sweet Pea on Nov 7, 2011 1:50:57 GMT -5
She caves. She always caves. She makes herself sound even more stupid by speaking in third person.... What the fuck am I doing??? I should not be here. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!!?!??!!?In spite of promising myself, I'd not be back, here I am. Breaking a promise to myself. Testing this out. I'm trying to figure out what will work for me. How to cope. I don't know how to cope properly. I've never learned. Sometimes, I find myself pacing around, like a caged mad animal. My mom and sister even pointed it out...."you look like a caged animal"--Because I am! lol *sigh* I don't know how things are going to go. I don' t know how things are going to work out. I've at least detached myself from this place enough to focus on trying to get a job....................which I start tomorrow. And I'm terrified. Really fucking terrified. But I can't tell anyone I know, express in this way, just how terrified I am. Nobody would understand. Not to mention, I think this position is going to put me in way over my head. As a chronic socially anxious/shy/quiet person.....I just keep asking myself....'What the hell do you think you're doing?? Do you really think you'll be able to do this job? Do you really think you'll like this at all and be able to succeed? REALLY?' Obviously, I have serious doubts as to how I'll do. Holy fuck, I don't even necessarily know yet what I've gotten myself into. I just fucking....UGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I fucking hate myself. Also, I'm really fucking lonely. And I find myself asking myself (:S)....what the flying fuck is loneliness anyway? ?? How can you possibly have people in your life, yet still feel so fucking lonely? I have family, and I actually, sort of, have one friend around............and yet, it's like......it's not enough. What the fuck do I want? What the fuck am I doing? What the hell do I expect? Why can't I ever find ease? And, let alone love, why can't I, in the very least, like myself? Why do I have such a severe lack of self confidence? Why can't I just come to terms with things and just accept myself? For all that I am, flaws and all. Only then, I think, is when I'll ever make any true progress. But I never had any of those feelings to begin with, I swear. It's like I was broken from the start. Always so fucking unsure of myself, even as a child. With no real reason to be such a way. It's just...really bizarre. I wish this intense and chronic feeling of sadness would just disappear. I so wish I was just never born in the first place. That I never existed at all. My life is so fucking pointless. We'll see how things work out in the coming months, I suppose. god, how I hate waiting around, not knowing how things'll turn out. It's like I'm just waiting for the next terrible thing to happen. Apprehensiveness. Impending doom. Constantly. Especially now. I don't know if writing this shit out helps or not, I haven't decided. I just feel so alone. I keep fucking myself up, more and more. I don't know what to do. Only I can save myself. And I just don't know what the hell to do. I can't even necessarily trust my own instincts anymore. Any gut feeling I have. They're just feelings, and don't necessarily mean anything. All this anxiety, is all in my head. I'm a fucking crazy person. I still don't like the thought of resorting to meds. Even in applying to certain programs and stuff, it's a shame that that sort of thing can get in the way. Any time I see a form that asks if I currently or ever have experienced things like an anxiety and depression....I think "HELL YES, OF COURSE" while checking "No." I'm all for honesty and everything, but when it comes to things like this, you know checking it would be a very negative thing in the eyes of another. Holy shit. Speaking of "holy"...it's Sunday. My family seems to be starting to go to church again, all because my little sister got scared of a dream she had, which told her bad things were happening and that maybe she should go to church. That seems to be one of my grandpas answers to shit going south, too. He claims to have had a near death experience, which apparently affected him. He's always gone to church, though, I think........but anyway.. I just don't really care anymore. It seems pointless to me. The more and more I think about it, the more it seems I lean more towards not believing in the existence of a God. Holy fucking-a...........I swear, ask me that around 10 years or so ago, and I would have never ever expected myself to feel this way. Just another fucking belief down the gutter. I don't even really care for the holidays anymore. I saw Christmas decorations in the store already, and just felt a negative reaction within me. I just don't care. I'd rather avoid them. I don't care about getting presents. And it's a pain in the ass to give people presents, just because.....jeeze...all the money spent that people don't really have that goes towards these holidays. And then you never know what people want, or there's just too many people to buy for, so they wind up as crappy gifts anyway, and if people don't like their gifts for some reason, you can sense it........And then, anymore, the day comes and goes...and you wonder what the hell all the fuss in anticipation was all about. The one day is over in a flash. Yet another year of nothing gone by. I'm clearly going to be a total scrooge this year. bah humbug I already told my family to do what they want to do this year, if that means traveling to see other family. But that I don't really want to go. Hopefully I'll be working anyway (as long as this job works out). I also told them to not get me anything...I really don't want anyone to. The holidays are just another day. A part of me wonders if this all makes me a really bad person. All the negativity, the cynicism. I know the holidays should be about family...and I do love the people in my life. I just, I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel alone. I feel pissed off at the world. It hurts to get too close to people. I don't see how anyone can feel happiness in such a shitty world. There's this self-affirmation I once came across which was, "Everything I need is already within me." --which goes along with the whole idea that you really shouldn't need external things/circumstances to be a certain way in order to be happy. I try and tell myself this sometimes, but I just can't feel it for any real amount of time. I wish I could find comfort in something. Anyway, posting this is a test, for myself. In spite of feeling like it may be a bad idea. To see if it makes me feel at all better, or if it just makes me feel even worse. I even tried to convince myself to wait another day, since I have something going on tomorrow, but I just don't feel good. Time goes by so slowly, yet now a little more quickly since I have something ahead...yet still agonizing and slow. Nothing I say makes sense. :S I can't find peace. I'm constantly restless. At this very moment, I feel as though any progress I had made by moving away, is pretty much nearly gone. I do think that I am a tiiiiiiiiiiny bit better around certain people, and a tiiiiiiiiiny bit more aware that certain things and feelings I have just aren't that big of a deal, as I used to make them out to be. But, I still feel as though I've made pretty much a 360 degree turn here, back to the person I used to be. Or maybe it's just the person I've always been, I don't know. It's just this, being here, being me. I hate everything. I'm tired of all this shit and don't know how much more of this I can take. I just need for something to go right. I need to find a job that'll work for me, give me some sort of a purpose. I hope so much that with this job, I'll be able to forget about myself and just focus on the work, the other people. Just fucking forget about myself and do a good job. I wish I had more confidence. I wish I could at least believe in myself. Maybe there's a tiiiiny bit of hope within me, that I can do this, otherwise, I wouldn't bother at all, right? Right? Right? lol yeah, I'm going to ignore the fact that this is possibly a self-fulfilling prophecy and go ahead and say that....all this probably means that an epic failure is about to occur. I feel like a massive pile of stinking shit. and against better common sense...I'm shoving my ego aside and posting this, I guess... hi, straws. *hugz*
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Post by marle on Nov 7, 2011 19:19:55 GMT -5
Hi Strawberry.. if you're still around, let us know how your first day at work went.
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Post by lostmyself on Nov 8, 2011 6:13:22 GMT -5
It's excellent that you got a job Strawberry and I really hope your first day goes well.
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Post by strawberrysweetie on Nov 14, 2011 21:55:24 GMT -5
^ Hey, thought I'd pop in and say thanks for the support from you folks...soo...thaaaaank yoooooouuuus. I don't feel I have much more to say about what's gone on with this job at this point, though. I mean, I suppose it's going to take some time for me to feel this out, see if this will work for me or not. I mean, in the end, I'm trying to keep reminding myself that regardless, I intend on this being a temporary thing anyway. This isn't something I want to do long-term. I'm dead set on not being in this place for forever. If that means I die trying, so be it. The first day...first several days actually...were just general new employee orientation. I did spend some time shadowing. And now this week, I have several more days of training. And then I'll have more shadowing to do for a little while. That previous post of mine was basically my final massive freak-out before anything really occurred. Then of course, once I got to the room and settled in, I was sort of okay (felt more at ease than what I expected to be--which is often the case, I suppose. INITIALLY, anyway). I'm really weird, though. And I feel I just go through these weird phases. Which isn't even necessarily the "norm" compared to even other socially anxious/quiet/shy(whatever the hell it is I am) people. I feel like....it's normal for me to massively freak out about things like this before they happen, the idea of being around new people. But in actuality, when faced with it, I sometimes do better with complete strangers. You'd think once you settle in, you'd get more comfortable. But actually....I often feel like once I'm past that initial...greeting/simple introductions, I become lost. I think I make an okay first impression, but then generally........I just get more quiet, and awkward. And that phase generally lasts a hell of a LONG time before....I'm able to really finally settle into feeling comfortable with being myself around other people (and even then, that's usually with only certain types of people). Doesn't make sense? I don't blame you if it doesn't. It doesn't make sense to me most the time. So, I suppose right now, I'm worried I'm starting to enter this phase. This really weird/quiet phase. It's just easy for me to fall back into that....just let everyone else talk, and sit back and not even necessarily try. That second day I went in for shadowing, I felt myself falling into that quite a lot. I don't necessarily feel I can get out of it. A huge part of it is just.....possibly just not even having anything to say really. Not necessarily feeling the need to talk yet having fear (shyness)...but just...being naturally quiet (introverted, I guess?). Fuck, I don't know. I felt like that even more today, though. Which massively bothers me. I don't want to be this way. I hate myself for being so damn quiet all the time and not taking an active role, especially when people obviously are wanting it. But I just don't know how the hell to be. I wish I could be comfortable with myself. I wish I could be comfortable with myself around other people. But it's not just that. I DON'T necessarily want to be comfortable with myself as the person that I am. :S grrrrrrrrr..........WHAT AM I EVEN TRYING TO SAY?!?!?!?! Screw this. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a program I've applied for. I WANT IT SOOOOOOOOO BADLY. It would save me. Well, sort of, in one way. And it would be a great experience, I think. An experience I feel I NEED. Which probably means it's not going to happen. I read this short article thing about worrying and how it's really no good. That it serves NO purpose to worry, because worry is basically just being obsessed over things that may not even ever happen. When I think about that, I think of how much damn time I've wasted worrying over stupid shit. It's so true. It's sickening. This is one of those times, I suppose. I tell myself I need to stop obsessing and worrying, it's just sooo difficult. crud, I'm rambling.... saying more than I intended...again...... and I was going to ramble more, but I've forgotten about what now....:S Anyway, the one good thing right now...is that at least I'm making some money just by going through this training. AND, it's good that I have some sort of thing going on to keep me somewhat busy. The less time I spend wandering/lounging about feeling lost in my own house, the better. On a completely unrelated, but maybe funny note......my left eye keeps twitching spontaneously, and I wonder if it's the mascara...since I've had it past the date that they say you really should change it. This is a note to myself to toss it and start using the new stuff I bought. DO IT NOW, YOU CHEAPSKATE! Actually, I think it's more due to the fact that I've just been lazy about finding the new package and opening it... hahaha...you know what else is fun? (Or not really.) I've recently found out my younger sister and oldest nephew both have 'relationships.' They're only in middle school.... whatev seriously, what sort of a good note can I end on??? lalala..... I don't know. I mostly don't know how to feel or how to be anymore. Sometimes I'm scared of what I might do, if given the opportunity, just in order to feel anything. Skydiving, for example. I really think that I'd really like to go skydiving. Jumping out of a plane sounds like a grand old time. Which is sort of weird, as I'm pretty sure I used to think it was a completely stupid idea. But now I completely get it. I think I'm just backwards. As a teenager, I never felt the need to be rebellious or a risk taker...or whatever you want to call it. Now I almost feel as though I crave it. Or something. :S Life is just so dull. And yes, I'll shut up now. (My main goal, as of now: Just continue on with this job. DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT AVOIDING IT!!!!!!!!!!!! As I'm well aware that's been my main defense mechanism all along, and I really need to just stay super alert to it and not let it ruin my life.) Oh yeah....a completely weird, somewhat random fact I heard today in one of my training classes. It was brought up that something like 93% of communication is lost through e-mail/text. Because of not getting all the nonverbal cues. How crazy is that?!? Makes sense, though, really. Wow. I feel like I let this place fill the void of a missing person. At the end of the day, I suppose it's just nice to be able to share things with other people, with the chance of them understanding. I should probably stop this. shoulding all over the place again..........................crazy girl needs to really stop talking to herself now.
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Post by marle on Nov 15, 2011 0:50:21 GMT -5
The first day...first several days actually...were just general new employee orientation. I did spend some time shadowing. And now this week, I have several more days of training. And then I'll have more shadowing to do for a little while. That's good that they're not just throwing you into it. And you can watch someone else to see how they're doing it. It makes sense to me, as the beginning is the initial/surface/scripted/superficial stuff. It's what you're prepared for. After that there is the 'danger' of revealing too much of yourself. Which is easier if you are all ready close to the person, or trust them, or are on the same wavelength but isn't often the case with people who are almost strangers. And that can be a lot harder for some of us. It can be a combination of things... and they can all be related. It's a basic human tendency so I'm sure we have it for a reason, however, we can't let it paralyze us / keep us from living our lives. Definitely. An eighth grade classmate who invited me to stay over at her house (<-being nice) remarked that she went through boyfriends like "pairs of socks." I'm still hoping to experience a real kiss at some point in my life. I can see how a lot of nonverbal communication is lost. I believe that text communication must be better than just 7% of the value of face-to-face conversation though. It's a bit like writing in a diary, except you know people will read it (may not be people you have spoken to in real life, but still). Diary plus.
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Post by strawberrysweetie on Nov 19, 2011 22:10:12 GMT -5
^ well, thanks for the comments, marle. --------- feeling very bored at the mo. Irritable too, maybe. Just feeling kind of bleh. I feel like ranting (yet again) about where I'm living. I fucking hate it here. It's toooooooo smaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallll. I always feel like some pair of eyes is constantly watching my every move. I don't know how many times I've gotten..."Are you an <my last name>"? Because my sisters and I look THAT much alike, I guess. I just find it really annoying. Part of me wonders if the only reason I got this job (other than the fact that they're desperate for new workers anyway) is because the people knew of my sister. And really liked her. And that maybe they somehow expected me to be like her, but I'm not. Not at all. The people doing the training...one of them even came to me and said something like, "I spoke to (so-and-so) and is it right that you're her complete opposite?" Annoys me. People comparing me to other people. Especially to my siblings. As though I don't do it enough to myself. Constantly. So sick of it. And when people point my quietness out, I just feel as though it shuts me down more. Makes me even more aware of the times I'm quiet and also of the few times that I think of saying something. It just turns into hyper-awareness, or something. Sick of seeing what attributes others have, and that I haven't. Speaking of which, I'm going to have to step it up, if I want to do even slightly well at this job. Being at least somewhat sociable with EVERYONE is pretty much a must. And I keep telling myself, that if I can pull this off, that I should be able to handle pretty much anything. 'fake it 'til I make it'......I'm going to have to. Hope I make a decent actress. Pretend this is a role I'll have to play. And try to forget about who I've been.... which is really hard, though, especially considering....there are people aware (at least sort of) of me and my past and/or of my family everywhere I fucking turn........ grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr * I feel like a complete jackass for some reason. Apologies if I am or ever have been.
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Post by strawberrysweetie on Nov 27, 2011 16:34:29 GMT -5
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Post by strawberrysweetie on Nov 28, 2011 21:18:06 GMT -5
Hellllloooooooooo, Depression.
We meet again.
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Post by Karen on Nov 29, 2011 10:58:00 GMT -5
I think its normal too feel a little paranoid when you find out a friend has been in town, but didn't get in contact with you. It might not mean anything though, maybe she was just busy, or tired, or feeling down emotionally and didn't want to get in contact with too many people. I would say the best thing you can do is email or call her and just see whats up. You're not a bad friend for worrying about whats going on with your friend, particularly if she's acting out of the normal. I would say in fact that makes you quite the opposite. I hope you start to feel better soon Strawberry.
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Post by strawberrysweetie on Dec 20, 2011 18:18:12 GMT -5
Not that this is going to make any sense, but...... I think I sometimes wish that people would just start treating me like the piece of shit that I (think I) am. Why are people (generally) so nice to me?? This seems like the dumbest, most ridiculous thing to complain about, I know....but, I just find it annoying sometimes. I hate myself so much sometimes, that I just can't understand how (so it seems anyway) I seem to make a decent impression on people. Or at least they're that way to me to my face. But anyway. Sometimes compliments bother me. General comments can even bother me. It's just like....I don't believe it? Maybe that's all it is. I don't see it. I don't see what the fuck some people are talking about when they say anything nice to me. I don't feel it. I take anything said to me, with a grain of salt, I guess? I don't know. And I also think that if people were more harsh to me, it would be so much easier to do away with everything. Sick of putting up with this shitty ass life of mine. This shitty, shitty, nothing but shitty world. People are just so...........................................I don't even know. But I will say this, it's totally fucking scary as hell that what seems like a normal looking person can be so...well, f*cked up in the head. You just never what's going on inside of a person's head. Take me, for instance. Need I say more?? *sigh* What is there to life? So often, I've thought to myself...'I need to get a life.' But lately, I've wondered a lot.......'What does that even mean?' "Get a life." Life = ? I suppose it's different for everyone? Finding a life with "meaning"..."purpose"..."joy"?.............Is life just about finding the things you enjoy and being able to take part in those things? Is life about having specific people in your life, such as family? What is the root purpose of life? What is it that I want? What is it that I need, in order to be happy? I was watching the tv show Parenthood, for example. And I thought it was kinda interesting this was sort of brought up. In one of this season's episodes.......one of the fathers was saying how everyone seemed to "have a life," except him.....all he had going was work, and helping others in his life, I guess. But from the outside, I'd say, he had a life. That was his life. But he didn't have anything in particular that he enjoyed, something that was all for him, I guess. hmmmmmmmm. anyway...don't know where I'm going now. But... I suppose this popped into my mind again because of how goddamn bored and depressed I've been feeling. It's like, I'm settling into my job a bit now....and now what do I have? Yet again, I find myself, feeling shitty and depressed. Mainly depressed, I think. :S I just catch myself staring into blank space all the time. Constantly. Just wishing for things that I don't have. Wishing to live in a completely different place. Wishing for excitement. Wishing for things to do. Wishing for more people, that I click with, to do things with. Go places with. Enjoy things with. I just want to slam my head against the wall sometimes. Or ask someone to shoot me. Mercy killing, I tell you. What's wrong with that? I think the even dumber thing is, is that I realize that by doing what I'm doing, I really am trying to work myself out of this. My purpose is to be able to create the life I want (though I only have a very vague idea). But right now, I'm just so impatient at this point, you know? LIVE OR DIE! I've no idea how long it's going to get me to the place where I'd like to be. And that annoys the hell out of me. It annoys me even further, knowing that it's highly likely that either (1) I'll never get to the point or (2) even if I ever do reach that point, I could very well be just as down and out as I am right now. Maybe it's impossible for me to ever be happy. I just still don't feel like I'm "living." I suppose a part of me thought that at least having a job...would get my focus to turn around a bit. But my job isn't necessarily all that challenging. Even today, I got asked the questions..."So, why did you choose this job...do you like it?" (said as though I could/should do better ) ....after being asked if I have a college degree, to which I answered 'yes.' god, I don't even feel like expanding on that now. Anyway, I feel like shit. I make myself feel like shit, though. I don't help myself whatsoever. I don't treat myself right. I know that, and even in knowing that, it's like...I just fucking...let it happen. I let myself get on a downward spiral and be idiotic. haha, I'm such an idiot. Why do I feel so badly about myself, though? Always. goddamnit. Maybe this is just a bad day. I had to wake up this morning to scrape my car down from the snow. Never makes for a good time. And other things. My job's somewhat okay, though. Sometimes, I actually feel like I kind of like it. And it's definitely, without a doubt, better than my last job...a somewhat better fit for me. But now I suppose I'm starting to see how it can get to feeling pretty...draining. And, at times, boring too. But one thing that's further massively annoying, is the idea that no matter what it is I do...it's pretty much recorded, or being observed by someone. "boredom"....I remember someone once saying that in class, about being bored. The teacher commented, something like, "Things/Places aren't boring, people are." I was a bit surprised when she said that, as I took it as a giant insult to the person who was complaining of being bored. But yeah. That's one thing that has stuck in my mind (completely worthless information...anything that makes me feel like shit sticks with me, apparently ) But I suppose that just means I'm a massive bore. I think I need to call upon my one real friend around here now......to, you know, see if she's desperate enough to want to hang around/talk to me.
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Post by Sweet Pea on Dec 22, 2011 0:58:59 GMT -5
I think I sometimes wish that people would just start treating me like the piece of shit that I (think I) am. Why are people (generally) so nice to me?? This seems like the dumbest, most ridiculous thing to complain about, I know....but, I just find it annoying sometimes. I hate myself so much sometimes, that I just can't understand how (so it seems anyway) I seem to make a decent impression on people. Or at least they're that way to me to my face. But anyway. Sometimes compliments bother me. General comments can even bother me. It's just like....I don't believe it? Maybe that's all it is. I don't see it. I don't see what the fuck some people are talking about when they say anything nice to me. I don't feel it. I take anything said to me, with a grain of salt, I guess? I don't know. And I also think that if people were more harsh to me, it would be so much easier to do away with everything. shut up!! *kicks you* pay attention people. you are witnessing the birth of a masochist!! ;D
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