|
Post by strawberrysweetie on Dec 22, 2011 9:53:24 GMT -5
I think I sometimes wish that people would just start treating me like the piece of shit that I (think I) am. Why are people (generally) so nice to me?? This seems like the dumbest, most ridiculous thing to complain about, I know....but, I just find it annoying sometimes. I hate myself so much sometimes, that I just can't understand how (so it seems anyway) I seem to make a decent impression on people. Or at least they're that way to me to my face. But anyway. Sometimes compliments bother me. General comments can even bother me. It's just like....I don't believe it? Maybe that's all it is. I don't see it. I don't see what the fuck some people are talking about when they say anything nice to me. I don't feel it. I take anything said to me, with a grain of salt, I guess? I don't know. And I also think that if people were more harsh to me, it would be so much easier to do away with everything. shut up!! *kicks you* pay attention people. you are witnessing the birth of a masochist!! ;D Thank you, ma'am...may I have another?? haha....this made me smile and laugh a bit. (not that it's true, mind you, but....hell, I'm just going nuts, I think. ) ummmm Anyway, that was an extra bad day. Reading it back, I'd like to think at least half of what I thought/wrote isn't true. Especially about the stuff about wanting people to treat me like shit. :S I think what it comes down to is just.......sometimes, I just feel like everything is complete and utter bullshit. The things that people say and/or the way they behave around each other. How I notice that people ARE nice to others around them, while later saying nasty things behind their backs. It's like....I just wonder sometimes, if that's not also what's being done to me. Or just, people saying nice things in a way to be either manipulative or just being suck-ups. Which, regarding some people at my workplace, that's very likely and the nature of the job...something I'll have to deal with from day-to-day. I just never know what to believe anymore. Both from unordinary and ordinary people, though. Kind of like this song....pay close attention to the lyrics: Smiling Faces SometimesEven if people are just nice to my face, though...I know I should consider myself lucky in some regards, probably anyway. I must have some sort of likeable quality about me that makes people generally be that way with me. Which should be a positive sign, I guess. But it also makes me wonder why I've always had/continue to have problems. Why I always feel like I never really fit in. And wondering, if people think I'm decent enough to be nice to....why don't they ever REALLY want anything to do with me? I'm just there. Here. Existing. I don't have any significant impact on anyone. I just exist and don't matter a great deal. I know people say things sometimes...and don't follow through with things they say they'll do. Often. It just is a really crappy feeling to feel like no one really truly cares all that much. I'm just some sort of a last resort, in all regards. Something I've recognized about myself for a very long time...but I'm not so sure I'll ever feel completely okay with it. It's just...seeing things as total bullshit, sometimes, I do wish people would just be completely honest. And like I said before...I don't really necessarily believe the 'nice' things people say about me. So I sometimes only associate 'truth'/reality...with negativity and mostly bad things. That all good things must be some sort of an illusion. So why can't people just drop the act and be straight about things? Why put on a show? Why act nice and then turn around and say something bad about you? I'm sort of all over the place with these thoughts. But...at work, for example....it just seems completely inappropriate and unprofessional to me to be saying negative stuff about each other behind their backs constantly. People are just so unaccepting of others sometimes. Like people just say shit to say shit....to be dramatic, like they can't just shut up and put up with people's differences. I know why it happens to some degree, as some people truly are annoying or lazy...but that doesn't mean it has to be talked about all the time. Not everyone has to know everything about everyone. I just find certain things ridiculous. Rant done. For now.
|
|
|
Post by strawberrysweetie on Dec 30, 2011 0:01:43 GMT -5
Well...let's get this entry over with, shall we? I'm done with 2011. It's been a rather shitty year. Very bizarre, too. Combine the two...and I'm just left feeling ready for it to be over with. At the same time, I wonder if certain things that occurred have really been blessings in disguise. My apartment building fire, for example. And winding back in this shitty town that I hate, just because of the job I've obtained. In some ways, it's been really good for me, I think. (1) It's somewhat related to my degree. (2) It's allowed for me to be around people, constantly. (3) It's made me realize I'm not necessarily as bad around people as I thought I'd be. (4) It's made me realize that it's completely necessary for me to find an occupation that deals with people, something of which that makes me be of service to others. This makes me feel as though I have some sort of positive impact on others. I've always wanted to have a positive impact on the world, on other people. This is confirmation that it does give me some sort of satisfaction, and amount (if only a little) of purpose/meaning in life. Granted, most days I still feel about 98% a moron. I swear to god, I make some of the dumbest mistakes. Then again, I'm learning, I suppose. And I've been out of touch with others for so long, maybe I'm allowed to make some mistakes. Anyway...hmmmmm.... Oh and (5) the money. Jobs are great for money, even if it's not like a high paying job or anything. Funny that you need money to get by... Today I've noticed, while I went on my long walk, that I've sufficiently let myself get low enough. It's time to start climbing upward. Not that there's any other way to climb...:S But yes, time to start climbing. Continue to dig myself out of my hole. Continue to try and put myself out there. Try new things. The job was one step forward. I may not be there for very long, though. I recently got accepted into a program. Which I hope goes through. And which I hope signifies a turn of luck for me. Here's hoping. And if it does go through....by the end of this February, I should be moving. Temporarily, for a time. Not completely aware of what I'm getting myself into (here we go again)...but I'm anticipating a good experience to come out of this. And even if it winds up turning into hell...I'm hoping it'll be a 'good experience' anyway. god, I'm super stoked, though. The chance of getting out of here, this place, going somewhere new, meeting new people, doing something to improve communities, etc. I'm ready for a change. Already. :S It's weird. In one way, I feel as though 2011..has been mostly nothing. Yet in another, I feel it's meant a lot. So far it goes down in the book my life as the most fucking weird year ever, though. Just, everything's been strange. Circumstances. My thoughts. My feelings. Growing up in certain ways, I suppose. I don't know. I feel like a part of me is different. Letting go of certain old ideas. A bit anyway. Developing into the person I'm becoming, I suppose. Not entirely turning out the way I expected myself to turn out to be. But, maybe that's life I guess. Certain things feel "right" at the moment, though. I feel fairly decent today, though. Tomorrow, I may feel completely shit again. This program I've signed up for might be terrible in the end. Maybe I'll think it was a waste of time. Who knows really. But I hope something good comes of it. Even if it's just a "break" from the real world. Right now, I just feel it'll be good for me. And I'm excited about it. And the present is all that matters, right? "the power of now" and all that jazz.... 2012, you better be better. And if it's not, I really won't care if it ends up being the end of the world. That's it, I guess. Oh yeah, I'm in the processing of destroying my old physical form journals. I hate the idea of anyone ever happening upon any of them. No one needs to know how I've felt/feel about things. I feel sorry for any of the poor souls that ever read any of my online stuff. You all get a side of me, a dark side maybe, that no one else really ever gets to see. And by that, I just mean that I feel my thoughts are generally f'ed up. The end.
|
|
|
Post by strawberrysweetie on Jan 7, 2012 2:51:12 GMT -5
Feeling down. I should be asleep. Should've gone to sleep a while ago. Just to keep to a schedule. yes, why am I even up? If I had it my way really, I'd remain asleep to the world. So I don't even know why I get to where I stay up like this. I'm feeling antsy. Itching to leave. End of one day off. I can't seem to occupy myself properly on days off. And I've never really found anything to enjoy while here. :S I'm an idiot. I just feel really bothered. Alone. as per usual. And I've realized caring can be a really dangerous thing. I catch myself caring about things/people that maybe I shouldn't even be thinking twice about. Why do certain things, which have no direct impact on me, affect me in the way that they do sometimes? "I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints..." Maybe. Seems like life would be a whole hell of a lot easier that way. Damn the fun people. Feeling a lot of discontent at the moment. Wanting to numb myself to feelings, but not really having a proper way to do so. Sometimes, it feels impossible to escape them, the feelings, and I f'ing HATE that. Wanting to get away, but never being able to. My parents really annoy me sometimes. And I feel guilty for even thinking that, let alone sharing the thought. I just want a different lifestyle. Theirs drives me nuts. And living here with NOTHING to do, drives me f'ing bonkers. Deep down, I know I don't really have the right to complain. Growing up in a decent family. Having a roof over my head. More than enough food around. It's a hell of a lot better than many, many others out there in the world. Yet something else to feel guilty about. I just don't want to be like my parents. I don't want to feel so much discontent. I don't want to feel so f'ing lonely all the time. I don't want to continue to cry myself to sleep, as that's crept up again on me somehow. :S I don't understand a lot of things. Why I have to feel what I feel. Interpret things the way I do. Feel slighted. I want things to get better. I want to feel better. I want to feel good about something. I want for something to go right. Completely right. I want to feel like I fit in somehow. That I deserve to be here as much as anyone else does. This world sucks, though. My god, how much it sucks. How unfair it is. I mean, if you really look at it...you can try and find an excuse for anyone's behavior, and feel sorry for them, understand, and just feel sorry. I think that's what's bothered me a lot lately. I constantly give people the benefit of the doubt, when maybe...maybe some people don't really deserve it. Some people are completely rotten. Yet, somehow, I find myself feeling a certain way that I maybe shouldn't. Too sympathetic, maybe. When perhaps I shouldn't. grrrrrrrr.....I don't knooooooooooow. But I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders sometimes. When I think about things too deeply. When I think about all the wrong that's going on in the world, and it feels as though there's too much of an imbalance...not enough good to counteract it. I'm rambling. I understand that. I'm just sick of....being alone. Feeling like no one completely understands me. Or even listens to me really. And I wish I could get 100% supportiveness and positivity about something. f*ck...why do I feel like crying again? Anyway, I've got something up ahead to look forward to, I suppose. I'm just experiencing a bad moment. The sort of time where one or more of the following occurs: (1) I can't feel calm and end up pacing around just feeling anxious (2) end up negatively distracting myself (which never really even works and only makes things worse) (3) Lie down/sit around and be lazy and just stare into space while thinking/not thinking or (4) eventually sleep...the only true way to avoid myself, as long as I don't dream. Maybe I'd be better off not taking my days off. *sigh* "Debbie Downer" exits.
|
|
|
Post by strawberrysweetie on Jan 8, 2012 22:44:01 GMT -5
self-doubt. self-hatred. self-doubt. self-hatred. self-doubt. self-hatred. self-doubt. self-hatred. self-doubt. self-hatred. self-doubt. self-hatred. Being that all there is to do is think....that is all that goes on. Gosh people, if I ever make it out of these feelings..........If I ever find my place in the world. If I ever feel good about myself. If I ever do well for myself.....it's gotta be possible for anyone. And if that day ever comes, I will have to let you all know. I really doubt myself, though. A lot. So much so that it really just makes me sick with constant worry. I feel like the most fucking boring person ever. When I think about all that I lack. When I think about all that I've missed out on...and continue to miss out on....When I think about how I tend to be when around other people....When I think about how I feel I have so little interests and so little going on for me.....(which are pretty constant thoughts...) I just CANNOT EVER imagine being successful. Particularly being socially successful. Having some sort of a personal life. I'm just way too fucking weird for it. This bothers me a great deal. I know I shouldn't worry, as worry does no good. It doesn't change anything or make anything better. But I can't shake these feelings. And I realize I might not ever be able to. Anyway, I'm thinking too much. Clearly. But, I know I'm going to have to push through all my worries and all my fears this time around. I HAVE TO. I cannot back out of this. I have to keep going. If I don't do what it is I'm intending on doing, I will regret it for the rest of my life. I can't live with another regret. Regrets have got to be even worse than actual failure. I find it so difficult to find any sort of faith in myself. But, for the love of god, I have got to stop expecting that EVERYTHING is going to go all wrong in my life. I have got to stop thinking that all I am is a fuck up that's never going to be anything else. I have got to start doing what it is that I want to do, without being bothered about other people's opinions regarding it. And I have got to stop expecting for certain things to happen that just aren't going to happen. Forget about the past. Forget about the future. And just be bothered with nothing else than getting through (or maybe a more positive word would be: 'experiencing' ) the present. must. keep. going...
|
|
|
Post by strawberrysweetie on Jan 14, 2012 19:14:03 GMT -5
Feelin' the usual: lonely and sad and tired. hmm....sort of in that...'I don't want to talk or be around anyone, but sort of do feel like talking and being around people' sort of moods....not that that makes any sense. And it's not like anyone cares or can do anything really. Why express thoughts at all? Kind of a weird/bad week, but I don't really feel like explaining it. Work...meh. The job's okay still, but....I just feel increasingly weird around fellow staff. More quiet. There's a new-new girl (she came after me). She's "fitting in" and all and seems to be picking up on things more quickly....I continue comparing myself to others and feeling like total crap. Same old, same old. She just rubs me the wrong way, though. Sort of comes off as a know-it-all. Kind of seems a bit fake to me. And I'm thinking she's fairly fresh out of high school. Which is probably why I'm even more bothered by the way she is. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just don't understand why it seems so much easier for others to feel connected and feel at ease so quickly. Whereas, I'm constantly doubting myself and feeling...just...'off' compared to everyone else. But really...I'm not the type that can be fake and just pretend to be into the same types of things that everyone else seems to be into, if I'm not. And it's all in my head. Maybe. I did leave work one day and cried afterwards, though. In my car. Better than crying in front of others, though. Then I'd really feel like an outcast. I just make a hell of a lot of stupid mistakes. It can be the smallest of things, too, things you wouldn't expect someone to goof up on...but lo and behold, look who we're talking about here. And sometimes, I don't even understand a few of the people's jokes, which always annoys the heck out of me. Sort of less of an issue, as I don't think it happens a lot, but when it does it just makes me feel even more stupid. I can find a million reasons to feel like a complete idiot. I'm still hoping to come out of this feeling more sane than going in, though. Which I've felt is possible some days. I mean, really, and to much my surprise...some days, I really do feel like I must be the sanest person alive and that the rest of the world must be mad. Yet others, and more often than not maybe, I feel so unusual and different and just...like I'm nothing. Like I don't count. Because I feel like I don't have a place in the world to be. Somewhere to belong. boooooooooo wah, wah, wah. Complain, complain, complain. What's new? Feeling there's no point to my post right now, so I suppose I'll stop here. Meh.
|
|
|
Post by marle on Jan 14, 2012 22:59:16 GMT -5
Strawberry, I don't have much to say that is helpful, but you write about what I and I'm sure a lot of other people can relate to. I just don't understand why it seems so much easier for others to feel connected and feel at ease so quickly. Whereas, I'm constantly doubting myself and feeling...just...'off' compared to everyone else. But really...I'm not the type that can be fake and just pretend to be into the same types of things that everyone else seems to be into, if I'm not. I notice how comfortable most people are around each other, without really knowing each other. I don't understand it either. Maybe these people think more alike, have very few individual quirks and that's why they're so at ease around each other? I don't mean that in an insulting way. That plus higher serotonin levels. I'm sorry to hear that happened. I was in a meeting once with a couple of other people at a previous place of work. Afterwards I felt so stupid and out of place (I had been feeling I didn't belong at this job from the beginning) I left the building and just walked outside for 15 minutes, partly to let out frustrated energy and partly to prevent myself from breaking out in tears at my desk in front of others. Later on at this place I found out my supervisors thought I was doing a good job and they eventually offered me a full-time position (I had been working for them through a contracter). I eventually left voluntarily though. I'm so absent-minded, it actually concerns me a bit. I always have to remember to double-check everything I do. Speaking of stupid mistakes- I don't know if you've ever seen the show Undercover Boss, but in some episodes (especially the first one) the bosses are shown making simple mistakes when trying to perform the tasks of low-level employees. At least when I make a simple mistake I can think I'm just as stupid as a CEO.
|
|
|
Post by strawberrysweetie on Feb 1, 2012 2:04:19 GMT -5
I notice how comfortable most people are around each other, without really knowing each other. I don't understand it either. Maybe these people think more alike, have very few individual quirks and that's why they're so at ease around each other? I don't mean that in an insulting way. That plus higher serotonin levels. Who knows. But I mean like...it was fucking like day 2 that this girl was there and she's sitting on top of the desk with a coworker, and they were sitting there the same way, sort of swinging their legs and just talking. Sort of made me want to barf. I also thought it was weird that just a few days later this new girl mentioned something about this other woman calling her about some situation going on in her life. Not to mention there's a big enough age difference between the two, at least 20 years. I'm not saying they can't be friends because of it, I just....felt alone and out of place yet again. Anyway, I've gotten a bit used to this new girl. She might not be as bad as I thought she was. I still wouldn't ever completely trust her (she clearly likes to gossip), but she seems a tiny bit less threatening anyway. For now. I was in a meeting once with a couple of other people at a previous place of work. Afterwards I felt so stupid and out of place (I had been feeling I didn't belong at this job from the beginning) I left the building and just walked outside for 15 minutes, partly to let out frustrated energy and partly to prevent myself from breaking out in tears at my desk in front of others. Later on at this place I found out my supervisors thought I was doing a good job and they eventually offered me a full-time position (I had been working for them through a contracter). I eventually left voluntarily though. Interesting... I recently found out, within the past week, that they have me scheduled to take a class which would move me from a "trainee" to an actual "tech." I'm surprised, really. I still feel pretty stupid and feel like it's a bit soon. And anyway, I'm going to have to put in my two weeks notice here soon. *sigh* I feel totally guilty knowing that I'm going to do that, and yet I haven't mentioned it to anyone at work. I just don't know if I should say something sooner or not. At least when I put it in, it'll be before I'm scheduled to take this class. I just feel completely shitty for it, though. Going through all that training, having fellow employees train me, and I haven't been there all that long, and yet I'll be leaving soon. I just feel bad when people put that effort into me, and then I just wind up leaving. I'm hoping I'm making the right decision. Well, I'm certain I must be making the right decision. For me, for once. But that doesn't stop me from worrying about how things will turn out. And imagining the worst possible scenarios. I'm scared of getting completely disappointed again. Building myself up full of hope for....nothing? I can't stand disappointment. Or the shattering of illusions. Simply put, it sucks. I wish I'd stop expecting for everything to go completely wrong. And I wish I didn't feel so fucking alone all the time. I'm tired. I need to go to sleep. Should've gone to sleep several hours ago to keep to a proper schedule.....but, I'm sure I've said this before. I think I just hate waking up to myself for yet another stupid, lonely day.
|
|
|
Post by Sexy Spork #37 on Feb 1, 2012 5:54:48 GMT -5
^ Are you sure you want to hand in your notice? Unless its because you want a different career path, are you really so sure? The economy is not great and at least it's work. If it's just because of stuff your going through, I'd urge to reconsider. Maybe you should stick with it, get a bit a stability in your life and you might start believing in yourself and your decisions again.
I expect the worst out of every situation, but I bury those feelings and go for it. So what if my heart is beating and every bone in my body is screaming at me, wondering what I'm doing, but it's always worth it.
You really shouldn't feel so alone. I know nobody in this forum is there with you now, but we are always there for you as best as we can be. Don't forget that. Whenever your feeling alone, just remember there are people who care about you and love spending time with you. Even if it's only on the Internet. That's what gets me through those lonely days. Thinking about all the people who care about me. And you can always chat with them.
Hope you feel better soon.
|
|
|
Post by marle on Feb 1, 2012 20:42:27 GMT -5
it was fucking like day 2 that this girl was there and she's sitting on top of the desk with a coworker, and they were sitting there the same way, sort of swinging their legs and just talking. Sort of made me want to barf. That is sort of funny the way you describe it. As far as quitting, are you doing that because you have something else lined up? Sexy Spork is right, you matter to people online even when they don't share the same physical space as you. The impact you make online is more real than it feels like.
|
|
|
Post by Karen on Feb 1, 2012 20:57:23 GMT -5
Sexy Spork is right, you matter to people online even when they don't share the same physical space as you. The impact you make online is more real than it feels like. ^ This. You're awesome Strawberry.
|
|
|
Post by strawberrysweetie on Feb 2, 2012 23:34:54 GMT -5
^ Are you sure you want to hand in your notice? Unless its because you want a different career path, are you really so sure? The economy is not great and at least it's work. If it's just because of stuff your going through, I'd urge to reconsider. Maybe you should stick with it, get a bit a stability in your life and you might start believing in yourself and your decisions again. I expect the worst out of every situation, but I bury those feelings and go for it. So what if my heart is beating and every bone in my body is screaming at me, wondering what I'm doing, but it's always worth it. You really shouldn't feel so alone. I know nobody in this forum is there with you now, but we are always there for you as best as we can be. Don't forget that. Whenever your feeling alone, just remember there are people who care about you and love spending time with you. Even if it's only on the Internet. That's what gets me through those lonely days. Thinking about all the people who care about me. And you can always chat with them. Hope you feel better soon. Yeah, I'm sure, because I should be flying out of here around the end of the month. I called the place to be sure everything is a-go, and they've confirmed that I have the necessary stuff in. It's not exactly...conventional. But it's something I know I need to do. Whether it winds up being a good experience or not. Whether I feel like I fit in or not. I have to do it, or I'll regret it the rest of my life. I'd be more detailed, but I don't really want the program name to be searched for and then directed to this site and to my post. At the slight chance of that. But anyway, I figure the alternative....staying here...is more of a death sentence. Seriously, I hate where I'm living with a passion. I don't know if I hate anything more. Okay, I hate a lot of f*cked up issues, but still....I really fucking hate where I'm living, the land of no opportunity. This is my chance to get away, meet new people, try new things. I will admit, I actually sort of like my job okay. I could imagine myself working in such a place, and being somewhat (if only a little) content with it for...at least longer than my other jobs. And actually, my coworkers overall really aren't so bad. But, the location just kills me. More and more everyday, I think. I don't even think I can adequately describe it. I've just always felt suffocated in this town. But yeah, I'm hoping this opportunity I have will open up some doors, and maybe introduce me to some things that I might never have otherwise thought of. I may not be making much, but I'm hoping it'll challenge me in a good way and like I said, maybe offer some new opportunities. *shrugs* Thanks for the concern, though. But just for the record, I'm not quitting just because I'm concerned about my ability to do the job. I just have something else I feel I need to go after at this point. This job is likely to always be there anyway (it's like, always listed under the job openings)--Except for times when the state puts a "freeze" on hirings, which is what had happened to them over this past year or so before I applied. Those freezes won't last forever, though. it was fucking like day 2 that this girl was there and she's sitting on top of the desk with a coworker, and they were sitting there the same way, sort of swinging their legs and just talking. Sort of made me want to barf. That is sort of funny the way you describe it. I'm actually really glad you made this comment. Often I feel like a turd for going on and on complaining about stuff. So if I can get a smile out of people's faces now and then as I do it, so be it! I'll consider that a good thing. ---- Anyway, thank you Sexy Spork, marle, and Karen for your kind words. *hugs for all* ---- Today hasn't been a very good day (surprise), but I won't go into it.
|
|
|
Post by Sexy Spork #37 on Feb 3, 2012 4:59:46 GMT -5
Yeah, I totally understand. We all feel like things have to change numerous times in our lives. I think it's great that you've decided to try and do something about it, a lot of people wouldn't be so brave.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
(sorry to hear you had another bad day - hopefully a change of job will be good for you).
*hugs*.
|
|
|
Post by strawberrysweetie on Feb 4, 2012 0:00:23 GMT -5
Yeah, I totally understand. We all feel like things have to change numerous times in our lives. I think it's great that you've decided to try and do something about it, a lot of people wouldn't be so brave. Good luck with whatever you decide to do. (sorry to hear you had another bad day - hopefully a change of job will be good for you). *hugs*. Thank you. ------------------------------------------------- I've just decided to add on here, as I've had some random (or not so random) thoughts... I think it's kind of funny some of the things some people have said to me, hardly knowing me. I don't know if it's all that common...or if I'm just easy to pick on (but it doesn't feel like teasing, as there seems to be a bit of truth/genuineness behind it...but I think it's funny/strange how some people must pick up on my oddness fairly quickly. I don't even really have to be doing anything and it's as though some people pick up on something about me. I don't know. I don't know if I'm making sense. I guess I don't really want to go into detail on here, but oh well. Hell, I'm tired. I need to go to sleep.
|
|
|
Post by strawberrysweetie on Feb 4, 2012 23:25:13 GMT -5
I will admit, I actually sort of like my job okay. I could imagine myself working in such a place, and being somewhat (if only a little) content with it for...at least longer than my other jobs. And actually, my coworkers overall really aren't so bad. ugh...I feel that way sometimes, but then shit like today happens and....yeah......... ugh yeah, definitely a good thing I'm leaving, I suppose.
|
|
|
Post by strawberrysweetie on Feb 14, 2012 0:11:02 GMT -5
HOLY FUCKING SHIT. Seriously. first of all, can't believe it's already nearly 11 :S second of all, I feel that....if after today I can't feel grateful and fortunate and at least somewhat content with myself, there's really no hope that I ever will!! I can't believe some of the things I've seen. I can't believe how the world sometimes seems to be just one very cruel, sick joke. So fucking....unfair. So unfair. So very unfair. :S My brain is fried, I think. :S Definitely have not had enough time to 'recharge,' or something. I want to feel understood. I long for connection soooooooooo badly. I want to not feel lonely. I want to have good people around that I feel I can talk to. Sometimes, I feel like there's hope, other times not. I am very glad that I don't have other significant problems, though. I wouldn't be strong enough to deal with personal physical disabilities. I just wouldn't. I'd just assume someone shoot me. Hell, I think that way sometimes now. But, I feel bad thinking that, as though it comes across wrong. Everyone has as much right to exist as any other person, no matter what (okay, maybe a few wild exceptions ), I just don't feel like I would be able to live with myself. I am totally amazed at the way some people are able to deal with things, though. The card that they're dealt with in life. To be able to maintain a half-way decent attitude and still be able to find humor in things in spite of circumstances, it's rather refreshing. I'm not the type that would be that way, though, I don't think. I can barely find good things as is. :S I have the ability to do things compared to others and just unfortunately take it for granted. I just feel very bleh. And I should be asleep. :S I hope I'm not late tomorrow. Am a tad bit late nearly every day, and I know that doesn't look too good.... *sigh* I need someone to whip me into shape. Oh right, nevermind.....I need to learn to depend on myself only!! oh boy...
|
|