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Post by strawberrysweetie on Feb 19, 2012 0:29:31 GMT -5
lmao.... so, I was starting to be attracted to this guy at my workplace, sort of a coworker, but sort of not as that's not his usual job, but anyway... I later heard this girl talking to another coworker of mine, asking, "So, where was my favorite person today?" And I figured out it must be that guy. I immediately thought...haha, fuck that. Seriously, why like anyone? I don't stand a real chance in hell for much of anything. Not even just this guy really, as I'm not even going to be there much longer, but...just in general. There are way too many girls out there. So many that are far prettier, smarter, funnier, more confident...blah, blah, blah, blah, blah........... I wish I'd stop thinking about this sort of thing. Damn biology. Damn it. I do wonder what people generally think of me, though. I think the problem is, is that I'm not the sort of person that anyone ever even really thinks about. Think about all the people you pass every day, all the random strangers. Or even some of the familiar faces, but you just never know them. 'cause there's no need to. I'm just some random face/body in the crowd, and that's pretty much all I'll ever be. Needless to say, I've been way too emotional lately.
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Post by Sexy Spork #37 on Feb 19, 2012 6:44:26 GMT -5
Okay - breathe, relax, get some sleep, and then slap yourself really hard in the face.
You're not just some face in the crowd, you will meet somebody some day, and I'm sure your very pretty. Don't compare yourself to anyone else.
I'm not going to give up trying to make you feel better until you say something nice about yourself. Anything whatsoever. Must be one thing you like. Everyone likes something about themselves. I, for example, think I have a nice bottom.
(Probably shouldn't have said that out loud).
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Post by Karen on Feb 19, 2012 9:09:18 GMT -5
You're not just some face in the crowd, you will meet somebody some day, and I'm sure your very pretty. She is very pretty, I've seen pictures of her. The thing is Strawberry, you're so hard on yourself, and so deep inside your own head that any guy would probably have to hit you over the head with a stick, and then shake you by the shoulders while yelling directly into your face "I would quite like to get to know you better!!!" before you would allow yourself to be convinced that he was in any way attracted to you. .... and even then you would probably talk yourself into thinking that he wasn't really interested in you, or that he was just trying to get away with something. Hopefully with time, that will change. Stop being so hard on yourself!
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Post by strawberrysweetie on Feb 19, 2012 19:24:36 GMT -5
. . . . you will meet somebody some day. . . I told myself that for a long time. But things always wind up the same way in the end. I'm so sick of waiting for things that aren't even likely to ever occur. . . . I, for example, think I have a nice bottom. (Probably shouldn't have said that out loud). . . . You're great at making people laugh. You're not just some face in the crowd, you will meet somebody some day, and I'm sure your very pretty. She is very pretty, I've seen pictures of her. No, no I'm not. I'm FUGLY. Especially now. Sometimes, I genuinely feel downright disgusting. The thing is Strawberry, you're so hard on yourself, and so deep inside your own head that any guy would probably have to hit you over the head with a stick, and then shake you by the shoulders while yelling directly into your face "I would quite like to get to know you better!!!" before you would allow yourself to be convinced that he was in any way attracted to you. .... and even then you would probably talk yourself into thinking that he wasn't really interested in you, or that he was just trying to get away with something. Exactly right. Especially that last bit. The only vibe I ever get from guys is that all I am is f*ckable. Just from things guys have said, either directly or indirectly (from people who have told me a few comments). And that's not saying much, as guys would do pretty much anyone. With as shit a self-esteem that I have, it's probably best I never be in a relationship anyway. Maybe it's not fair of me to say what I said a moment ago. It's fucking weird, because today, actually, when I checked my work e-mail, I noticed I received this very out-of-the-blue random message from a guy at work. Someone I've not spoken much to, and don't even work on the same shift with, but he basically rambled and ended up asking if there was some way we could keep in contact outside of work since I'll be leaving. :S I sort of don't know what to do. If it means he's attracted to me, I feel bad, as I don't think the feeling is really mutual...(figures..) It's not even the way he looks (I'm not necessarily picky), but he sort of annoys me a bit. I wouldn't necessarily mind a friendship, though. But then, I know how that usually goes. I think very few 'win' when it comes to "love." When it comes to myself, I feel there are only two options: hurt or be hurt. I don't think I'll ever find someone to be as into me as I am into him. That sort of idealistic, undeniable connection. I also don't think anyone would truly want to be around me long-term. Anyway, I'd like to hunt down cupid and murder him. Anyone with me?
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Post by Sexy Spork #37 on Feb 19, 2012 19:40:41 GMT -5
I wasn't trying to make you laugh, my arse is genuinely the work of angels.
I genuinely don't know what to make of that rant. You'll be fine, don't worry.
By the way, I did murder Cupid once, but he's like the Terminator. Honestly, your love life Is not pathetic compared with some people. Take me, for example. I've never even had a girlfriend. All broads hate me. I mean, the only girlfriend I ever had I had to blow up.
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Post by strawberrysweetie on Feb 19, 2012 20:23:29 GMT -5
I wasn't trying to make you laugh, my arse is genuinely the work of angels. It was just funny the way you said it. As well as this comment. Honestly, your love life Is not pathetic compared with some people. Take me, for example. I've never even had a girlfriend. . . Dude, lmao, I don't have a "love life." Romantic love is non-existent in my life. Hence the rant. I've never kissed a guy. Hell, I've never even held hands with a guy. My little (13-yr-old) sister is already ahead of me.
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Post by Sexy Spork #37 on Feb 20, 2012 6:01:47 GMT -5
Maybe she could give you some tips I've never kissed anyone either. Or held a girls hand. Or asked one out. Or been asked out. Is your 'love life' really worse than other people's?
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Post by Stranger on Feb 21, 2012 2:45:30 GMT -5
No, no I'm not. I'm FUGLY. Especially now. Sometimes, I genuinely feel downright disgusting. To offer a male perspective (assuming that's the one that matters here): I think you're attractive. That's my honest opinion based on a single 5 minute video I've seen of you. With as shit a self-esteem that I have, it's probably best I never be in a relationship anyway. Well, best would be to find a way to douse the feelings of self-loathing. I know it's hard, and I probably can't say anything to change it, but I do think that inward anger makes it much harder to be successful at things. I guess all I can suggest is that you give yourself some time. 24 is not outrageously late to have one's first relationship (I was older, for one). Particularly if you're holding out for someone you really love and respect. Put yourself out there, hang in there, and when you have a low moment, lean on your friends - it's safe to say you have plenty here. Maybe it's not fair of me to say what I said a moment ago. It's fucking weird, because today, actually, when I checked my work e-mail, I noticed I received this very out-of-the-blue random message from a guy at work. Someone I've not spoken much to, and don't even work on the same shift with, but he basically rambled and ended up asking if there was some way we could keep in contact outside of work since I'll be leaving. :S I sort of don't know what to do. You know the situation better than me, but I'd say leave him an email address. If he starts flirting and you're not into it, then don't reciprocate. If he pushes it, say you're not interested, and if he persists, ignore/filter him. No lasting harm.
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Post by Karen on Feb 21, 2012 14:56:53 GMT -5
No, no I'm not. I'm FUGLY. Especially now. Sometimes, I genuinely feel downright disgusting. To offer a male perspective (assuming that's the one that matters here): I think you're attractive. That's my honest opinion based on a single 5 minute video I've seen of you. ^See? ;D I actually had to go back and look at your photo album again to make sure I hadn't seen the wrong girl or something, the way you talk about yourself is so mean. The girl I saw was lovely, and since those pictures were listed as may 2011, I think its safe to say that nothing drastic has changed in your looks in the last 8-9 months. ..... unless you've been hit by a train, but that seems like something you might have mentioned. In the end, its not really about your looks anyway, its about the way you see yourself, and the way you perceive others as seeing you. I know how it feels, I struggle with low self esteem most of the time too. It's hard to be realistic when you have that voice inside your head constantly telling you awful things. Don't give up entirely on yourself, or on meeting someone you can love and respect the way you want too. I don't think there is anything such as 'ideal' love. But, I think you can find someone who shares your values, and loves the same way you do. And that in itself is worth a lot. So, stop being so damn hard on yourself Strawberry! No more words like 'fugly' they are wrong, and mean. You wouldn't treat some one else the way you treat yourself would you? So why do it?
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Post by strawberrysweetie on Feb 22, 2012 19:43:10 GMT -5
I guess all I can suggest is that you give yourself some time. 24 is not outrageously late to have one's first relationship (I was older, for one). Particularly if you're holding out for someone you really love and respect. Put yourself out there, hang in there, and when you have a low moment, lean on your friends - it's safe to say you have plenty here. Well, thanks for being so kind... but negative spin in my head wants to say I'll most likely never find anyone to be with. If I can't find someone in my 20s, I don't think I ever will. Being female, my supposed prime years are passing by. Also, I don't know that anyone knows the meaning of either love or respect anymore. My head is just massively f*cked up. I'm not even entirely sure why. My family, for the most part, is full of long-term marriages. I suppose there are a couple of siblings who seem a bit on the rocks at times, but you'd still think that having parents who have a decent relationship would make you continue to have hope. I just feel like, in this day and age, my real values are too old-fashioned. I almost wish I didn't have any and sometimes think I should just try and completely give them up. No one else seems to care anymore...why in the hell do I? The girl I saw was lovely, and since those pictures were listed as may 2011, I think its safe to say that nothing drastic has changed in your looks in the last 8-9 months. ..... unless you've been hit by a train, but that seems like something you might have mentioned. Well, looks can change pretty significantly over the course of just a few months really. I had lost weight...I've gained some back. Too much, though not as bad as it could be, I suppose. Most wouldn't have any empathy/sympathy for that sort of thing, and I don't expect anyone to really...it is a choice in the end, really. I make choices everyday, and they're usually stupid/poor choices. And I feel completely sick of myself for it. It just gets to the point where you feel too weak to fight anything anymore. And when I say 'you,' I do mean 'I' I was starting to feel better about myself. I was starting to think that maybe I could at least come to look half-way decent. But even then, I still wasn't happy with myself and felt I had a long way to go. And I did, both in mind and body. I just feel like...I cannot find any fucking strength within myself. It's like, I need constant reassurance from the outside...from other people. I really wish this wasn't so...that I need approval from others before I can feel okay with myself, but that's just how it feels. And when I feel like I get that positive feedback, it really does help and makes me feel like I'm worth the effort. Here recently, I actually...much to my disbelief...actually had a couple of people from work say that they'd miss me, and that felt really nice...didn't expect it at all. Made me feel like...'Hey, maybe I am capable of things.' But when the feedback is gone and I feel completely alone, I pretty much don't have much will to do anything. This is where having a good friendship circle would come in handy. To feel like people have your back no matter what and whatnot. But then again, I still feel like...even with friends, people aren't even necessarily that great either. So many people are backstabbers too...really, who can you trust? Anyway, here I am spilling my guts about feelings/thoughts/beliefs that I'd really just rather not even acknowledge and bury them, not sharing them, so that I don't sound like a mental patient and push people away as I usually do... In the end, its not really about your looks anyway, its about the way you see yourself, and the way you perceive others as seeing you. I know how it feels, I struggle with low self esteem most of the time too. It's hard to be realistic when you have that voice inside your head constantly telling you awful things. But unfortunately, guys do care a great deal about looks. It's just a fact of life. If I was a guy, I wouldn't choose me either. Guys, you really do have it easier in this department. I'm pretty sure there are way more women in this world that are more forgiving of looks when personality trumps it. You wouldn't treat some one else the way you treat yourself would you? So why do it? 1. Of course not. 2. Because it makes me more guarded. Self-preservation from future pain. Self-awareness....I really don't know that it's all that great of a thing. Knowing what's wrong and why I do things doesn't seem to help me change. At all. Anyway, I feel I have another massive life change coming on. So I think that's why I'm more pissy and guarded and irritable. And want to cry often. :S More so lately than usual, that is. Anyway, enough from me. Hopefully everyone here won't be hearing from me again for a long while now. To post or not to post....to post or not to post....to post or not to post..... Damn it.
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Post by Sexy Spork #37 on Feb 22, 2012 20:10:43 GMT -5
I think you've got to believe in yourself and that things won't always be this bad, but you can't give up on yourself and especially not on these forums. You can trust us and we'll always support you as best as we can. People really care about you and love you, not just on here but through your whole life, people you might not have even realised. You're not alone, you never have been and you never will be. You're not ugly, no-one is. You will meet someone. You've got to be positive. Even in the hardest of times, smile and get through it. No matter what happens in life, no adversity is too great to defeat. I worry about the future all the time, about what's gonna happen and pain I might encounter, but it doesn't make me climb inside a shell, it makes me enjoy what I've got. I haven't always been like this, I struggled at first but I ignored the pain and suffering I went through for many years to get where I am now. Leaving this forum, not posting anymore, is climbing back into your shell, and you cannot do that. You can't give up. People on here really care about you. We don't say nice things about you to make you feel better, we say them because they're true and because we can relate. You've got to believe in yourself. Don't give up. On anything or anyone, especially yourself.
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Post by Karen on Feb 22, 2012 21:49:02 GMT -5
^ This. 100% this. Please don't run away from the people that care about you and about what happens to you.
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Post by strawberrysweetie on Feb 24, 2012 10:56:30 GMT -5
. . . Leaving this forum, not posting anymore, is climbing back into your shell, and you cannot do that. . . Well, I'm not necessarily leaving; I'm just assuming I won't have a whole lot of access to the internet over the next 10 months or so as a result of the program I'm entering into. Especially about a month or so from now. I do appreciate all of your and everyone else's support/encouragement here, though. This place sometimes feels like the only real outlet I have, the only way I truly express myself. And not feel judged harshly for it. I sort of do wish I could completely break my attachment to this place, though, as I know I've said in the past. It's a good place to come to and all with many good people, but I shouldn't have to depend on it, as I feel I do many times. I'm really in dire need of a "real life" at this point.
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Post by Sexy Spork #37 on Feb 24, 2012 11:17:03 GMT -5
Your desire for a 'real life' is understandable. It's one many of us share. When you do 'go it alone', so to speak, which I know you will do one day, just remember we're always here if you need us. Most of the time
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Post by Stranger on Feb 26, 2012 4:55:46 GMT -5
Well, thanks for being so kind... but negative spin in my head wants to say I'll most likely never find anyone to be with. If I can't find someone in my 20s, I don't think I ever will. Being female, my supposed prime years are passing by. Also, I don't know that anyone knows the meaning of either love or respect anymore. My head is just massively f*cked up. I'm not even entirely sure why. My family, for the most part, is full of long-term marriages. I suppose there are a couple of siblings who seem a bit on the rocks at times, but you'd still think that having parents who have a decent relationship would make you continue to have hope. I just feel like, in this day and age, my real values are too old-fashioned. I almost wish I didn't have any and sometimes think I should just try and completely give them up. No one else seems to care anymore...why in the hell do I? You're not fucked up; just looking for some direction in life, and frustrated with giving in to the same fears over and over. It's tough for sure, but I think the change of scenery will be a good thing. As for "finding someone in your 20s," you're not even halfway through! Plenty of successful relationships start later than that in life. If you can put yourself out there and meet enough people, I think you're bound to find someone special.
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