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Post by geekguy on Oct 20, 2010 17:51:21 GMT -5
I'm kinda bored so I think I'll do a daily posting about what I'm doing and planning and generally just whats going on in my life, so people can read it and comment on it or ignore it, whatever lol. Might help me get more done too as I am trying to just generally get shit done.
Todays daily will be brief as I'm about to head to bed so I can get up early enough to do everything tomorrow. Today was ok, though once again, I couldn't find the girl that I've been fawning over since our first encounter at the book-store she works at. Not going to give up just yet though, even though its been a week... kinda sad really.
Work only went from 9pm-2am but it seemed to drag on and on, ended up feeling more like it lasted 7 or 8 hours, but it was also ok, didn't have to clean any vomit or other nasties so that was good. After work, could've gone home a bit earlier than I did but I had a good time just hanging out with the guys I work with, talking about everything from comedians, to porn, to work related stuff and more. Hillarious guys really, and then we went and got some breakfast at the local 24/7 Diner which was delicious, Bacon Hot Dog for the win.
And now after some train delays I am finally home and prepping to sleep. I wish I could've gotten more done today but work days often don't allow much time for other things what with the travelling and all, on top of the fact that I'm spending so much time at the book-store trying to find this girl again... oh well.
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Post by geekguy on Oct 21, 2010 15:40:59 GMT -5
So... yesterday I was supposed to sleep at about 7am so I could get a good 7-ish hours of sleep, but alas, I got distracted by the wonders of the internet and ended up only getting 4 hours sleep, and getting up too late to go see if I could find the girl at the book store AND get to work on time.
I wonder if I'm over-doing it with my pursuit of this magical girl. It's now been 8 days since that day I met her and she helped me out at the book store and I became entranced by her. Nobody has ever had this kind of effect on me before in my whole life, but alas, she didn't have a name-tag on and we didn't exchange names or numbers so all I can do is continue to go back and hope that I find her, or just give up and try as hard as I can to move on, which seems impossibly hard every time I think about it.
I'm hopeless when it comes to girls and love as you might have noticed by now...
So anyway, I got to work slightly late due to my late awakening time, not that it mattered in the end. Work was so easy it was ridiculous, 5 hours of mostly standing at the door checking IDs of people coming in. When I finished, I went and got some food from the local diner, and they messed up my order this time so I got my hot chocolate for free, and from there I called up the gay guy who works at the bar to see if I was still good to come around and hang out with him and another 2 guys from work.
I arrived and turned out one of the guys couldn't make it so it was 3 of us, and the other guy was smashed drunk lol. He had had tons to drink. It was nice though, pleasant you could say, to just have a small glass of red wine, some ice cream, and just relax outside and chat about a bit of everything really. We're all pretty open and talk about some really random shit so the conversation is always fairly intriguing.
One main thing about what we were talking about though was how shit of a place our bar is to work at. It's not a HORRIBLE place to work by any means, but our management is a joke, "Responsible Service of Alcohol" measures are so un-applied, the clientele is 95% bogans most of the time, and the hours are not so great for anyone that likes to see sunlight for more than 1 hour a day. We got more in-depth than this in our talks but thats the gist of the major issues, and I agree with all of them and am now kinda wondering, should I maybe look at going to a new bar? I think I'm far more suited to a small bar and the guys reckon that any of us could walk into another bar and get a job pretty easily. I often doubt my capabilities but maybe I should set my doubts aside and just have a crack at a new work environment. It'd be nice to have a change of scenery that's for sure (the same music every night alone is just.... ugh).
There are plenty of small bars around, so maybe in about a week I should go around to these places and drop my resume in again, see how much of a response I get. I would like to have it so that when I leave my current job I have something else waiting for me, that would be ideal. We'll see how this goes though.
And now after all that, I'm home, writing this message, wishing I had had more sleep yesterday, but oh well, I'm not so tired atm. I was thinking of making a video for the video thread but I don't feel like it now and don't have much idea of what to talk about (I'd probably just repeat a lot of what is written in this post) so I'll leave my next video for another time. I'm probably gonna play some Medal of Honor for an hour or two, have a hot chocolate when my parents wake up, and go to bed.
I feel kinda lonely to be honest, which I think is mostly because of this whole girl drama... but at least I have Coldplay to keep me company...
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Post by Tal on Oct 22, 2010 12:33:42 GMT -5
Sounds like you had a nice day. Keep trying at that store...the chances of seeing that girl again are good if its her place of work. Maybe the store has a facebook page? Might be able to find her that way perhaps.
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Post by geekguy on Oct 24, 2010 14:15:34 GMT -5
Turns out the brand as a whole has a facebook page, but no store specific pages so I'll have to just keep going in.
So yeh, a couple of days between this daily and the last but no biggie, it's how I roll.
Yesterday I went to the Metallica concert here in Perth, Western Australia, and it was pretty badass. Lamb of God and Baroness opened for them but I only got there in time to see Lamb of God, they were awesome though, playing one of my favorite songs by them "Laid to Rest." I'd already had breakfast shortly before we got there (breakfast at 4:30pm lol) so I just had a couple of donuts before the Metallica came on-stage.
They played a good bunch of songs but they missed a few ones that were some of their biggest hits, such as Fade to Black, Fuel, and Battery. Couldn't believe they didn't play any of those songs, considering how good they are and how popular they are. Instead they played an instrumental at one point (Orion) which seemed like an odd choice. All in all, the music was fine in the end, but the crowd was kind of annoying.
It was bogan central, with people smoking all through the dome, a couple of fights breaking out and some people trying to get in without tickets, racing past security with security having to chase them down and carry them out. Idiots couldn't just come and enjoy the music T_T . The fact that they were serving alcohol at the venue probably didn't help matters but whatever its what they do.
So I came home, much video game playing was had and then I slept... for almost 12 hours, waking up at 7pm on Sunday. The bookstore was already closed at this point and I didn't feel like going out to the bar to have some cocktails so I've just been in my room, playing video games up until now, 2:30am Monday.
While I've been doing this I've been on Vent voice chatting to one of my friends who lives a hell of a long way away up north of where I live. Our random snippets of conversation (since we don't really... have a constant conversation its more like bits and pieces between doing other things) eventually went towards some heavier issues like what we're doing with our time, the idiocy of society as a whole, what we're actually working towards, why is everyone so eager to find a partner, etc etc.
As a culmination of all this, it made me realize how I haven't really gotten much shit done, and it has sort of boosted my spirits on getting a couple of things done. I don't really like my job that much... so why am I still working at it? My friend and I both came to the conclusion that I should go look for a new job, and that even if job-switching fails at this point its no big deal because I still live at home, and my parents will probably be proud of me for having a go at it.
I've been pondering picking up a martial art for a long time now, I think its time I actually did something about that. There are a few places near me I can go to, 1 that is a small karate place that does its sessions in the leisure centre near my house, 1 is a tae-kwon-do/korean kickboxing center a short train ride north of me, and the other is a more expensive ju-jitsu/aikido/sword training (yeah how badass is that last one!) centre in the city. I can afford to use my money on something more useful such as this, I basically just need to scope all the places out and see what they're each like as I haven't seen any of them in action yet.
I've also been wanting to get a license of a car or a bike. I want a bike license far more than a car license but there's the problem of my parents being very un-supportive of me getting a bike license. I'm very torn and conflicted on this one and don't really know what to do... I know what I WANT to do but I don't know if its a good idea... quite unsure of myself here.
I also need to sort out some tax stuff by the end of the month for some reason related to some legal garbage. I need to get a hold of my employers accountant to get them to send me a document so I can claim tax on it and get a bunch of money from the government. I have my document from McDonalds so I just need this one and I can... do stuff... I have no idea what the procedure is.
I have my 3D animation package dilemma sorted now too, as I nabbed myself a 3 year license for Maya 2011 courtesy of my old lecturer. Had to jump through some hoops thanks to what is apparently America's idea of copyright laws but hey, I got it in the end... even if I had to pretend to be a different Kevin from the United States... so I'll be playing with the software in my spare time.
I want to get back on track with regards to eating healthy but honestly it is so hard. I mean, when I have my subway footlongs I make them pretty healthy, I add lettuce, capcicum, cucumber and jalapenos and generally forego the cookies and bars that they offer, but then there are other things. Like honestly I have no faith in almost any cereal being good for you anymore as they always leave my stomach feeling a little un-easy (but not sick). Dinner with my parents is generally pretty healthy as they always make sure the plate has vegetables and/or rice in it, generally with chicken, beef, or something like that prepared in some fashion. When I work though, not much is open except for McDonalds, the obvious unhealthy choice, or the local diner, which is expensive and also has lots of unhealthy stuff. You can have some of the less unhealthy stuff though like the Chilli Bowl, Baked Beans on Toast, the various Eggs specials etc. And it's so hard to not binge on sugary stuff just because of how absolutely delicious it is. Honestly, here is what one of the places near me does. They are called Shake Shack, and what they will do is blend chocolate bars together IN ANY COMBINATION YOU DESIRE, with some ice cream, to make a little shake. Like, you can have Kit Kat, Bounty, MilkyBar, Tim Tams, Kinder Bueno, Mars Bar, Snickers... the list goes on and on... and you can add cereals for crunch and lollies and extra bits and oh god /drool... How the hell is my willpower supposed to compete with that lol...
I think I can improve if I just do a few simple things to my eating habits though: 1) Snack on Apples and Bananas more often 2) Eggs for breakfast more often (like there was a time where I'm certain my skin cleared up of pimples a lot because of how many eggs I was eating) 3) Be more dilligent about taking Vitamins and Supplements (especially fish oil, despite how my parents think it causes my pimples to flare up, I'm certain its just the bad food I eat). 4) Completely stop using vending machines unless I'm super duper hungry.
So the plan for tomorrow... get a bunch of (updated) resumes printed out so I can job hunt asap, (possibly) visit the bookstore in search of mystery bookgirl X, go to my workplace to get the relevant tax documentation, go check out the martial arts place just north of me and start tinkering with my 3D program.
I don't hope to have enough hours in the day, I will MAKE the time to get it done, I swear it (and shall report back in tomorrows daily daily lulz). But for now, I shall play some delicious guitar hero whilst WoW downloads the latest patch, a 5gigabyte monster...
ciao
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Post by Tal on Oct 24, 2010 17:47:22 GMT -5
Martial arts. Nice idea. I'd love to able to do some of that. lol
When you know how to do some stuff, you can make some 3d animations of martial arts. Little figures kicking, jumping etc.
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Post by geekguy on Oct 24, 2010 18:02:31 GMT -5
hehe I was actually going to make a chibi ninja character at one point
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Post by geekguy on Nov 15, 2010 10:28:07 GMT -5
ugh...
Ignoring that I've completely forgotten to update this for ages, I feel like a wreck at the moment. I'll break down what I mean.
Physically, I'm drained, sore, and feel generally ill. Thanks to work and my f****** retarded sleep pattern, I haven't seen the sun in at least 4 days, which I am absolutely positive is not helping my well-being at all. My skin looks awful and I swear the bags (that my mom denies even exists) under my eyes are getting darker, among other things.
Mentally, I'm all over the place. I can't concentrate on anything to save my life. Thoughts play on repeat in my head like a broken record that I can't shut out, whilst the important shit gets drowned out in the back of my mind and forgotten about. I feel like my mind is slowing down, as though I'm getting dumber every day, and this scares the hell out of me.
Emotionally, I don't even know what to think about this. I'm mainly just sad/depressed now, about everything, and how nothing is turning out the way I wanted it to. I doubt my ability to actually do anything which in turn leads to inaction in the first place, further cementing my depression. I mainly just feel hollow inside. I can't find the words to further elaborate on how it all feels.
I feel like I'm trapped, and that there is no escape no matter how hard I try. There's no room for anything but pessimism in my mind, and no one seems to want to help or is able to help me out of this. My parents don't seem to give a damn and I can't really discuss it with them because it just comes down to "toughen up" which is RETARDED advice, because if that worked, I wouldn't BE depressed. I've tried to toughen up, to ride it out, to push through but the strain of doing so is just too much.
I can't even think about where this train of thought is going, my mind won't piece it together for me.
My only sanctuary is video gaming, which seems to be less effective by the minute. I feel my mind breaking down as I play, but I play regardless, because its one of the only things that gives me any way of focussing or having some fun.
I remember when I went to my brother for help in a similar but not nearly as severe state of mind months ago, he simply told me that I should get a girlfriend. I sometimes wonder if this would work but I am unfit for such things, I don't gel with what people expect from relationships and partners in a typical sense.
I wonder if things would be different if I showed my family the things I write on here. The posts on the forums and my stupid little blog. Maybe they'd take me more seriously or just talk down to me some more, like always.
Nobody gets me, and I doubt anyone will.
At least my last shift of work at the current bar I'm working at is the 2nd saturday from now. Then I'll be done with that place.
I've thought of drowning my sorrows with liquor, but it seems so ridiculous. It would likely just magnify the problem.
The main thing I feel, above all else right now, is loneliness. My friends I know from highschool don't feel like friends anymore, more like distant acquaintances. I don't hang out with the guys from work outside of work, and the people I knew from the animation course have barely spoken to me since I started my bar job.
F*** it, I'm off to play more Black Ops
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Post by geekguy on Dec 8, 2010 23:34:47 GMT -5
Fucking depression fuck off already! I was actually getting shit done, making progress towards getting some work experience in a 3D studio here in perth, making positive changes to my life and then BAM depression. Just fuck off so I can actually get on with my life god-damnit...
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Post by Scotty on Dec 8, 2010 23:42:03 GMT -5
Fucking depression fuck off already! I was actually getting shit done, making progress towards getting some work experience in a 3D studio here in perth, making positive changes to my life and then BAM depression. Just fuck off so I can actually get on with my life god-damnit... Right there with you man.
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Post by geekguy on Dec 9, 2010 23:25:28 GMT -5
What sucks is that my depression is not environmental, but genetic, inherited from my mums side of the family. My mum, brother, sister, and myself all suffer from this depression that just pokes its head up whenever it feels like. To truly deal with it I'd need to either start taking meds or talking to a psychologist or both. I'm opposed to meds because of the effects they can have but more and more I'm thinking of making an appointment with the family doctor and asking for a prescription of them.
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Post by geekguy on Dec 20, 2010 13:10:12 GMT -5
Things might be looking up now. I just confirmed some 3D work experience for myself in january which is AWESOME! At a games company no less. My friend had a party this friday gone. It had a few humorous moments: 1) Imagine a group of guys and a couple of girls around a table drinking Jack Daniels n Coke or SKYY blue vodka premix.... and then theres this one guy drinking Electric Pink flavored Vodka Cruisers. Guess who? One of the girls commented "You drink girly drinks? Wow... I'm amazed you're not still a virgin" to which I laughed heartily and continued drinking the cruiser. 2) We went to a local bar for a couple of hours. On the dancefloor, they kept trying to hook me up with one of the girls that was already there (friend of a friend) who later accompanied us back to the house. I was uninterested in hooking up with anyone so after repeatedly telling them not to push me into her/be suggestive/generally giving them the "seriously I'm not interested" treatment, I got kinda annoyed and just left to go drink at the bar for a bit. I came back with a Bright green cocktail after a bit called "Liquid Ecstacy" which was greeted with many a "WTF" reaction which turned to a "wow this is tasty" as a few people tried it. More attempts to get me to dance with the girl occurred, all unsuccessful. I seriously have no interest in such things to this day. 3) So we went back to the house. They continued to try to get me to do stuff with her, the other girls becoming more and more distressed by the fact that they were seeing a guy not actually wanting sex at all. It was like I was an alien. I was wading off another attempt by saying "nah I'm serious, It's all good, I just want to relax," to which one of the other girls was like "seriously come on!" it made me laugh and I simply said "no seriously, I'm not interested." Those involved couldn't believe it. 4) During truth or dare I got asked what is it about sex that I don't like, to which I replied "Just about everything." True and resulted in more humorous reactions for me to watch. 5) at the end of the night as everyone retired or left. I was downstairs trying to get to sleep with 2 noisy snorers sleeping near me, when I hear some 'trying-not-to-moan/squeel-loudly-with-pleasure-but-not-quite-being-successful," noises from upstairs as my friend had sex with one of the girls from the party. I told him the next morning and he just laughed. All in all, humorous party with many humorous happenings was humorous. New years is approaching, soon it will be 2011 and I'll be heading towards my 20th birthday. I still have a baby-face so it feels wierd but maybe I'll be like my brother and have a year where my body matures really rapidly and I start to look more like a man. I have big plans for 2011 and I fully believe I can achieve them. However, the only 2 new years resolutions I make are these: 1) I will be more pro-active 2) I will pursue knowledge whenever possible These 2 resolutions basically affect everything, and are easier to keep track of than making a whole bunch of small resolutions. So we'll see how that goes for me. I've confirmed with my brother that if I want to move to melbourne he'll be able to help me with accommodation for a while if I want to have my own place, or we can both rent a place together and split the rent evenly, either way, it will make things a ton easier in making the move to Melbourne should I choose to do so. I'm waiting til I get a job before I start going for my license. One of my friends today made it clear he wants to teach me to drive. He is a VERY VERY VERY good driver, I would trust him with my life when it comes to driving. I'm not sure if he is a good teacher though and don't know if I should take him up on his offer. I would save a lot of money though but I'm not sure if he will be able to handle teaching me as I am.... wierd lol. I've been meaning to ring up or visit the autism and asperger place in the city to ask about whats involved in getting tested for aspergers but haven't done it yet. I probably don't have aspergers, I just want to get the idea out of my head once and for all (or confirm that I do have it, ya never know). I'm extremely tempted to start collecting warhammer 40 000. It costs a lot but they're so cool. I love the Tau particularly, so badass. Painting them might help soothe me as when I start using my hands to actually do things, it sorta calms my brain down which is otherwise on full-speed-ahead mode all the time so sometimes I can't sleep as a result. I'd get to make my own color scheme for my army so it would stand out from the other tau armies, perhaps even have my own trademark symbol. Book-shopping today at the store I saw book-store girl at originally. She remains as elusive as ever T_T. I swear I hallucinated her or something. All games lately either A) Suck B) Lack Challenge C) Are too short So I'm not playing as much lately, but Deus Ex Human Revolution is out next year so that will be AMAZING or I'll cry lol. ipod nano for christmas, fuck yeah I have it next to me since I bought it for my sister while shes out of town, but I can't play with it til christmas day >_< Umm Can't think of anything else to add that's been happening lately except I might take up parkour if I like hanging out with the group that does it in perth. if not, I'll find another physical outlet. Cheers
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Post by geekguy on Mar 24, 2011 14:12:07 GMT -5
Lol I totally forgot about this thread. May as well post an update. Now that I've remembered this thread, I think I might put videos in here, probably not daily videos, but with a decent amount of frequency (weekly perhaps?) Anyway, life is shit right now, that's the honest way I look at it. I still don't have a job, and everytime I go to apply for a job online or to even go and look around the area that we're about to move to, I am overcome with this feeling of dread that saps all of my strength out of my body and I don't go through with it. It's some kind of irrational mental block that I don't know how to get rid of, and until I get a job, I can't actually begin the journey to gain my independence. That said, any attempt to advance my independence via actually going and getting my drivers license has been fruitless. Same thing happens as with going for jobs, I'm overcome with dread that saps the strength out of me and I just can't go through with it. I'm lucky it didn't occur when I went to make my psychologist appointment or that would have sucked and possibly left me in this state ad infinitum. The parents are constantly on my back about both of the above and I'm running out of excuses to give them and they're running out of patience. It's so shit, can't they just wait until this psychology business goes through and we can see what I need to do to fix all this junk that is messing up my head FIRST? Is it THAT important that I be out dealing with the disgusting things that call themselves members of our society in exchange for what is really petty cash? And nothing has happened with the girl I like either. I haven't had the courage to actually do anything, except poke her back on facebook when she pokes me, and she's doing that less and less frequently... The only thing I can find any escape and happiness in right now is my video gaming. If the stat-tracker in Super street fighter 4 is to be believed, I've already clocked 100 hours, which is fairly insane considering how many months it took for me to get my main character to 200 hours clocked in Phantasy Star Online Ep 1 and 2 (on gamecube, didn't actually play online, stupid lackluster subscription + connectivity crap). I've been getting better at the game, as well as meeting new people and becoming part of a fighting game community for Australians. Hell, I've been more social online in the past month than I have been in real life with any of my friends for ages. Hell, I don't even know what's happened to 1 of my friends, he's disappeared off the radar completely as far as I'm aware, the other one is a shut-in himself so I rarely see him, and the last one is a guy that is fun to be around... in short bursts. Once again, video-games save me from going completely insane. Oh and I got a haircut, so I'll have to post a picture of that in the picture thread. For tomorrow, I've resolved to take the train down to the new area we're moving to and at least just walk around, don't even have to drop into any areas and ask about jobs, simply look around and see what is around. Maybe I'll actually go through with my plan, maybe not. I know for sure I want to go check out the Super Street Fighter 4 Arcade machines they have at one of the video game shops in the city centre to see if I can be there when the regulars are playing. All this would be so much easier if I could just get a job play-testing games. At home or out of house, doesn't matter, I'd be a god at it Sadly, that's a pipe-dream in this shitty boring state of Aus.
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1229
Full Member
Posts: 182
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Post by 1229 on Mar 24, 2011 21:34:40 GMT -5
Sometimes it's the smallest things that keep us going. Hang in there.
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Post by geekguy on Mar 28, 2011 10:29:17 GMT -5
Sometimes it's the smallest things that keep us going. Hang in there. Yeah, I'm glad I have something that can take me away from everything when I need an out. That said, today just totally sucked, in all forms. Starting with the morning, I had my therapist appointment at 12:30, so I got there early, filled in the required forms, waited for my therapist lady to be ready, and then went into her office and took a seat. She asked me a few general questions to start off to get a few little details about me, and then we headed into the area of my depression. I gave her the mental health care plan that my Local doctor wrote me up, and she looked it over and pretty much said "I believe you will be better off in the long run seeing a Clinical Psychologist." She then found the details of one that she knows local to the area I'm moving to in a few days and gave them to me, before we proceeded to talk about some things anyway. It was ok in the regard of just talking through things, but, I'm not going back for another appointment (that was her recommendation, that I follow through with making a new appointment with this new psychologist instead of coming back for another therapy session), so now I gotta do all that and I'll probably have to wait another couple of weeks or longer depending on how backed up the psychologist is with appointments. I just want to make some progress and start working through all the shit in my brain. So in the end, while I left feeling a little better, mostly from just getting this done, I felt really really unfulfilled and like I'd wasted so much time. So from there I went home (checking the Street Fighter 4 arcade machines first, no one playing sadly). My parents get home to tell me that the move is PROBABLY going to happen a few days later than we wanted to (the date we were supposed to move was the 30th, might be the 2nd or 3rd of next month now). And that just bugged me because the sooner I move the sooner I can actually get on with some stuff and all this moving drama can be over and my parents can get back to not being completely anal. I can't pursue jobs properly while we're stuck up here and all my shit is packed already (besides this computer of course), so this is just more frustration packing onto all the other things that are frustrating me. And then when I went on Facebook, my soul was pierced at the core by what I read. "[Girl Geekguy likes] has changed their relationship status from 'Single' to 'In a Relationship'" I died a little inside when I read that. I'd been pining after this girl for months, never actually trying to make any real moves like asking her if she wants to hang out or do something or anything like that. And it looks like in the end I sat back too long and once again, a girl I like is swept away by someone else, this crap shouldn't even come as a shock to me any more but it still does. I'd been playing some video games up until that point, but when I read that I lost all drive to play, and just slumped off the chair onto the floor and cried a little. I'm surprised I didn't cry more, but I did feel really horrible all over, just thinking things over, cursing myself for being such a coward and never acting, always sitting back and waiting for something to happen. Why would it happen, that's not how things work, I have to DO something, I KNOW this but I never EVER do it. I can't, I feel way too anxious about it whenever I even consider it. I just lay on the floor for quite a while, my despair slowly turning more into anger until I got back on the computer, fired up Call of Duty: Black Ops, and went on a killing spree with the Ballistic Knife. I've not played the game in ages yet I topped the scoreboard with nothing but knifing and the throwing axe. It took my mind off things. But that is over now, and now I'm sitting here again, wishing I had someone to talk to IRL, or a way of just going out for a while, like a motorbike or something, but instead, like usual, I find myself stuck in this room. My options are Sleep, play video games, use msn, and browse the net... what a joke I've ended up as.
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Post by Tal on Mar 28, 2011 12:49:22 GMT -5
And then when I went on Facebook, my soul was pierced at the core by what I read. "[Girl Geekguy likes] has changed their relationship status from 'Single' to 'In a Relationship'" aww man...that sucks. Still it's one of those lessons you have to learn in life. One day you'll remember that feeling and make a move on a girl and be rewarded, I hope.
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