Very Lonely

[Nlayer]

I don't normally share anything about myself to anyone, but I thought it might help me if I could share my dilemmas here. Perhaps someone can give me some advice?

So, I am extremely lonely. I have been this way for a large part part of my life. I was just about to accept that it's just they way I am built and I could deal with it. Then my Mother passed away on the 21st of November and I feel very alone. My father is very close, but now everything feels broken and different.

As soon as my mother passed away, the few friends that I had seemed to distance themselves from me. I do not blame them as they were somewhat close to my mom and probably haven't a clue of how to talk to me. They weren't really all too close to me, mostly due to the fact I barely talk at all. I'm a pretty boring person.

So the main dilemma now is that I am supper lonely. This whole event with my mother passing away kind of awakened my feelings of being alone. The bad part is that I don't like to talk to new people because I think that they would find me boring. I always listen and barely talk which people seem to either dislike or misuse(They vent to me because I will listen but then stop talking to me when they are done with their monthly venting.)

Does anyone know how I feel? It's like I want to talk to people, make friends, and go out with girls; but I feel like I'm completely no good for any kind of relationship with another human.


EDIT: Also, I'm sorry if I seem whiny and annoying. I'm not trying to find anyone's pity or anything. I just want some opinions and advice. I hope you understand. ;D

[Scotty]

I totally relate. I've been lonely for a really long time. I do have a few friends...but none of them are close and I doubt the friendships will last.

Sorry, I don't really have any advice for you. And don't worry about seeming whiny, everyone needs to vent now and again.

[putter65]

A good way of beating loneiness is working. I'm not sure if you work or not. Retail is the best, even if you don't get on with your co workers there is always the customers to talk to. It has helped me a great deal. I have just learned to talk to people. If you can't find paid work then there is always voluntary work. Good Luck !

[Scotty]

Dec 7, 2010 5:02:30 GMT -5 putter65 said:

A good way of beating loneiness is working. I'm not sure if you work or not. Retail is the best, even if you don't get on with your co workers there is always the customers to talk to. It has helped me a great deal. I have just learned to talk to people. If you can't find paid work then there is always voluntary work. Good Luck !

I found this was true for me too. I've been in retail for almost 7 years (way to long!) and I believe that's the reason I'm less shy and find it easier to talk to people.

[soulelectroluv]

Dec 7, 2010 1:19:10 GMT -5 Nlayer said:

I always listen and barely talk which people seem to either dislike or misuse(They vent to me because I will listen but then stop talking to me when they are done with their monthly venting.)

Does anyone know how I feel? It's like I want to talk to people, make friends, and go out with girls; but I feel like I'm completely no good for any kind of relationship with another human.


EDIT: Also, I'm sorry if I seem whiny and annoying. I'm not trying to find anyone's pity or anything. I just want some opinions and advice. I hope you understand. ;D

Don't mean to pity you at all, but I know what you mean about feeling lonely.
I can totally relate to what you said about the people who like to talk to you for advice, it amazes me how many people are just negative most of the time...I mean at lease rant to us into of vent, you know?
Its the same with me and guys...I even went as far as posting my pictures on Y!A and asking how I can get myself a makeover to attract guys in general...so I don't have to approach them first.
It would make it easier on someone who is to shy to approach guys in general.

Anyways, don't feel bad about no being good enough, I've been there so much and its not worth it in the end. Just be witht he people who admire you for who you are the most...

[putter65]

I've been in retail for 15 years. (13 in the shop where I am now)

When I started serving people I was so scared it was untrue. Now I found it easy. You get alot of lonely people coming in who want to talk since they don't get much company.

When I was unemployed years ago, the only people I talked to were shop workers.

[shanicat]

Yes I've felt that way most of my life- I suppose there are people like us who end up feeling this way. For me it was from childhood-I used to wonder why I was like that- now I understand that being sensitive and having a trying and hard childhood brought about the introversion.
I'm feeling much better now, more confident, less concerned about what other people think, making an effort to talk and be friendly whenever i can. Life has changed for me in the past year.

I'd agree working with the public, volunteering help a lot. The most important issue is increasing self esteem and self belief- I'm worthy of friendship just as the next person.

If you're interested in spiritual things you might like to listen to an Anglo Australian Buddhist monk who's very inspirational- Ajahn Brahm (just type this into google and then you can find his talks online) His words changed my life.

[gals]

Dec 7, 2010 1:19:10 GMT -5 Nlayer said:

I don't normally share anything about myself to anyone, but I thought it might help me if I could share my dilemmas here. Perhaps someone can give me some advice?

So, I am extremely lonely. I have been this way for a large part part of my life. I was just about to accept that it's just they way I am built and I could deal with it. Then my Mother passed away on the 21st of November and I feel very alone. My father is very close, but now everything feels broken and different.

As soon as my mother passed away, the few friends that I had seemed to distance themselves from me. I do not blame them as they were somewhat close to my mom and probably haven't a clue of how to talk to me. They weren't really all too close to me, mostly due to the fact I barely talk at all. I'm a pretty boring person.

So the main dilemma now is that I am supper lonely. This whole event with my mother passing away kind of awakened my feelings of being alone. The bad part is that I don't like to talk to new people because I think that they would find me boring. I always listen and barely talk which people seem to either dislike or misuse(They vent to me because I will listen but then stop talking to me when they are done with their monthly venting.)

Does anyone know how I feel? It's like I want to talk to people, make friends, and go out with girls; but I feel like I'm completely no good for any kind of relationship with another human.


EDIT: Also, I'm sorry if I seem whiny and annoying. I'm not trying to find anyone's pity or anything. I just want some opinions and advice. I hope you understand. ;D

Hi Nlayer,

I can definitely relate to this since my father also passed away just this January. I am very close to him.

Since his death, I became more expressive with my affections with my mom because she suffered from depression and nervous breakdown (she's 70) and it's quite a difficult transition since it's the first time we dealt with loss and we don't know how to deal with mom because it's as if she lost half of her soul.

But as time went by, we just deal with it because life is giving us challenges we can also handle.

Just understand your friends, because sometimes, as intense as the grief you're feeling, they don't know how to console you. I've been there. I don't know what to say to console my workmate who lost her father, and when my own father died, I understand how they feel.

Nlayer, my signature below is a big help for dealing with loss and how you can find healing after death.

I wish you well.

[timarends]

When somebody you're so close to passes away it is very difficult. Add your shyness to that and it is even harder. Believe me, when somebody passes away, one's household and life can become much lonelier. I guess that is why so many people have children. The younger people in one's life helps to replace the older ones who have died. It makes up for that void left by those who are no longer there. But when your shy, it becomes that much more of a problem.

Nlayer, You say that you are boring, and nobody wants to talk to you, but according to all the advice on conversation you're really supposed to talk about the other person anyway. I can understand totally what you mean though, when you say they just want to vent and then when they are done venting they lose interest in the conversation. That is just one of the quirks and shortcomings in human nature you have to accept and deal with.

[strawberrysweetie]

Dec 7, 2010 1:19:10 GMT -5 Nlayer said:

Does anyone know how I feel? It's like I want to talk to people, make friends, and go out with girls; but I feel like I'm completely no good for any kind of relationship with another human.

Yeah, I definitely know how you feel.

And I am very sorry to hear about your loss.

Dec 12, 2010 23:37:34 GMT -5 timarends said:

Nlayer, You say that you are boring, and nobody wants to talk to you, but according to all the advice on conversation you're really supposed to talk about the other person anyway. I can understand totally what you mean though, when you say they just want to vent and then when they are done venting they lose interest in the conversation. That is just one of the quirks and shortcomings in human nature you have to accept and deal with.

But what if the other person is following the same advice??

I completely know where Nlayer is coming from here. I've basically always been the same way....never much to say whatsoever, but always there to listen. So, the very few friends I'd formed in the past....the closest, longest lasting relationships tended to be with people who just liked to talk about themselves...could easily go on and on while I just listened. And if they wanted to have fun, they'd call on someone else to go do stuff with.

I don't get it really. I very much envy people who can easily hold conversations. But advice like "just talk" doesn't help me, because I don't necessarily have much to say in the first place!

And just listening, in my opinion, can only get you so far. It's a big thing, sure. But there has to be more to have a really long-lasting friendship or whatever, which is reason enough for me to not hold much hope for myself. The other person is eventually going to want to hang around someone who can offer things to a conversation. Even the rare times I go out and meet-up with old friends, even after so long of not talking, there's always a point in the conversation where the other person says something like..."well, enough about me...what about you?" To which I may have only a couple things (at most) that I can even mention.

Okay, should probably stop ranting about this here now. I'm just saying I do understand where the OP is coming from. It's really difficult to even deal with these feelings, let alone suffer the consequences.

[wayne1983]

I can relate to this myself although i do go out a bit. I think the thing with me personally is i dont come across as i mean to people, but i do mean well, so i am a complex person ;D But my main 'issue' is that i am gay too. Not that i am ashamed, just in social situations the 'girlfriend' question always comes up
Its a shame everyone on here doesnt live near as we could all meet and have a goodnight out, that would be cool

[wrathofcanis]

I don't think you're a boring person, you've been through a lot, I know you're shy and you are not going to just approach people and talk to them .... lol im shy too so i know this XD It is not in us to just go talk to people..

l would encourage getting involved in activities that, forces people to talk to YOU... like getting a job or into a course, at one point someone would enjoy conversing with you and stick around and hang out

[Sweet Pea]

the double-bind is that there's only one cure for loneliness...

[additive]

l would encourage getting involved in activities that, forces people to talk to YOU... like getting a job or into a course, at one point someone would enjoy conversing with you and stick around and hang out

Excellent advice.
Or join a yoga class or something like that. People bond a lot with shared physical activities.

[sakura]

Nlayer, I understand what you are going thru - despite being busy with kids & work, I still feel lonely...due to my social anxiety problem, I've lost touch with my old friends & all that I have left are just 'acquaintances' that I meet at work or exercise classes. I envy those who have bffs to hang out with or just to chat with...I find it difficult to start 'bonding' with anyone now...