Turning down dates because of shyness

[smur1]

Has anyone ever turned down or have been turned down for a date because of shyness? I've turned down a girl before because I didn't know her well and I was afraid to open myself up. I also think I'm being turned down by a shy girl I asked out because of similar reasons.

So has anyone been able to control these fears? I want to make this girl feel at ease, but I wouldn't know myself how someone could make me feel more comfortable. I've heard she's at least somewhat interested. I'm just afraid that she'll only go out with someone who sweeps her off her feet so to speak, and that's neither something I think I'm comfortable with, or what's best for both of us. I just want to take things slow and get to know her.

[agenericgirl]

how slow?

[smur1]

I just want us both to be comfortable. Maybe no all-day adventures to start but a nice couple of hours in a restaurant familiar to one of us. If you're looking for a timetable, maybe a date a week for a month, just so neither of us feel like we got caught up in a whirlwind.

[1229]

Has anyone ever turned down or have been turned down for a date because of shyness? I've turned down a girl before because I didn't know her well and I was afraid to open myself up.

Yes and no. I've turned down dates because I wasn't ready to be open to the possibility of being open and because I wasn't interested.

maybe a date a week for a month

That doesn't sound too slow.

[gals]

Jan 14, 2011 15:49:18 GMT -5 smur1 said:

Has anyone ever turned down or have been turned down for a date because of shyness? I've turned down a girl before because I didn't know her well and I was afraid to open myself up. I also think I'm being turned down by a shy girl I asked out because of similar reasons.

So has anyone been able to control these fears? I want to make this girl feel at ease, but I wouldn't know myself how someone could make me feel more comfortable. I've heard she's at least somewhat interested. I'm just afraid that she'll only go out with someone who sweeps her off her feet so to speak, and that's neither something I think I'm comfortable with, or what's best for both of us. I just want to take things slow and get to know her.

Well smur, if that's your mindset all the time whenever you have a potential date coming up, then what's gonna come of it?

If you really want something, you really have to take risks to get there.

The temporary discomfort is worth it in the end if you know you tried and succeeded in what you want. You know you just have to do it!

How will you know if you never try? if you failed, the at least congratulate yourself from trying.

[smur1]

Well the good news is I did try. As mentioned in the original post, I did ask a girl out. It's just she sort-of turned me down and I've heard it's not really anything to do with me personally, but because she's real shy.

The fear I was referring to was turning down dates because you were shy. To put it another way I think the reason I have turned down dates before is because I didn't feel in control of the situation. Here was someone who would make a great person to know, but I didn't "pick" them so I was in a way giving up control.

I know you can't have total control all the time, but from what i have discussed with other shy people, you don't want to do things unless you're really comfortable with a situation.

I know what you're saying though gals, and I'll try to be more proactive. I do feel though that I've taken a big step, and I guess what I'm asking is how do I get the girl I like to take even a tiny step forward. The reason she told her friends she turned me down is because we don't know each other well. It's not like we're complete strangers though. I thought that's why you date, to get to know someone. But how do I make her feel more comfortable with the situation?

[strawberrysweetie]

Jan 14, 2011 15:49:18 GMT -5 smur1 said:

Has anyone ever turned down or have been turned down for a date because of shyness? I've turned down a girl before because I didn't know her well and I was afraid to open myself up. I also think I'm being turned down by a shy girl I asked out because of similar reasons.

No. Well, not exactly. But I could definitely see myself doing that, for the same reasons.

Jan 19, 2011 17:09:25 GMT -5 smur1 said:

I do feel though that I've taken a big step, and I guess what I'm asking is how do I get the girl I like to take even a tiny step forward. The reason she told her friends she turned me down is because we don't know each other well. It's not like we're complete strangers though. I thought that's why you date, to get to know someone. But how do I make her feel more comfortable with the situation?

Good for you for being brave enough to ask her out! It is definitely a step forward.

Unfortunately, though, not sure what to tell you, as people can differ so very much. How do you know this girl? If it's really about 'not knowing you well enough,' then perhaps you're in a situation where you can try to get to know her better, attempt to be around her more and start conversations, without the pressure of an actual "date"? Maybe she's the type that just prefers to feel like good friends first.

May depend on her level of shyness and where she's at with herself, too, though. If she's never dated or never had a boyfriend before, she could be very awkward and insecure and maybe she's just doesn't feel ready for dating or a relationship quite yet.

I know that as much as I wanted a boyfriend even in high school, thinking back at that time, if I'm honest with myself, there's no way I could've got myself to date people even if I had a load of suitors after me. I was just far too uncomfortable with myself, even more so than I am now, if anyone can believe that, lol. Other reasons too, though.

So, there could be other issues she has as well that just may not be apparent and the shyness is easy to use as the main excuse. You can't worry about that, though. Part of it is just going to be on her, her desire to work past her own problems/shyness. You can't do ALL the work. She'll have to let her guard down in some way. And if you really want her and hope there could definitely be more between you, partly you'll just have to be very patient, I think.

Anyway, good luck to you.

[smur1]

Thanks Strawberry for your input. To answer your questions:

I know her from college. We had a few classes together in previous semesters. She has had one boyfriend before for about a year I think. He was someone she had been friends with for at least a few years.

We don't have the same group of friends, but I know two of her friends from previous classes. That's where I'm getting some of this information. One of them also confirmed to me that she's really shy and a little insecure so she's nervous about opening up.

What's worse is that she already knows I like her, so she doesn't really want to do the friends thing either, because why would a guy want to be friends after he got rejected? She thinks I will be constantly pressuring her to change her mind. Maybe I did this backwards knowing she was shy, but what's done is done.

So how do I go about getting to know her or even trying to arrange a group outing when she's got her guard up? To be honest, it would look awkward if I went to a group event with her friends. I've never hung out with them and I could see everyone saying he's just interested in convincing her to go on a date. Plus I think she would be mad at her friends if they arranged something like that. But that is better than just the two of us so I think I should at least try

It feels like all the forces are against me, but I really like this girl and I think we really owe it to ourselves to see where things may lead. I know she's someone I really see as special because usually by now (this is the first time I asked out a girl so by now I mean after I chickened out) I would be rationalizing why I didn't like her. I haven't with this girl. I still think she's special.