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Post by Grayback on May 4, 2011 13:22:02 GMT -5
Thanks everyone for your support, I really appreciate it. Today was a bit better because I went out and walked for something like 4 miles, it's something I do every once in a while to vent. It generally allows me to think more rationally though still too much if you know what I mean. I do often hear, though, that it's best to realize that we can't depend on others (or external circumstances) to make us happy, that we have to (somehow) figure out how to make ourselves happy. Because things constantly change and people often let us down at times anyway. How to achieve that self happiness and wholeness exactly, I've not a clue. But, and while I'm faaaar far far away from that myself, I do still believe that it is possible. Got to believe it, I suppose...in order to just keep going. Who knows what the future holds. You're right Strawberry, I know I can't depend on others, I have too often been hurt because of other people and indeed, while they all advance and evolve in their life, I've been stuck in the same place for six years. That alone is enough to make me feel very sad when I think about it. Even so, I do have to keep believing that the future will hold something different for me. Because, truth be told, if that is not the case, there is no reason left for me to go on and nobody except my family will miss me.
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Post by missklew on May 4, 2011 19:17:09 GMT -5
Hi, I just wanted to ask if you have been to a counsellor?
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Post by Grayback on May 5, 2011 12:56:56 GMT -5
Hi, I just wanted to ask if you have been to a counsellor? Yes, during high school I saw one for almost a year and while it was good to talk and say everything that was bothering me, the fact is the feeling better didn't last long once the session was over. Honestly, I don't feel like going back to see one, it's too much money to waste on just the slim chance that you'll get better and/or accept yourself, not to mention that I probably would have to see one for the rest of my life to achieve that. I'm counting on myself to get through this and while it's certainly not an easy goal I'm setting for myself, I feel that I will eventually reach it. If I don't then so be it but if I do ( and I hope I will ) then I will have something to be proud about.
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Post by Grayback on May 29, 2011 14:32:44 GMT -5
Funny how I keep posting here everytime I'm feeling really down, I think it's becoming a kind of habit. I suppose there's also the fact that it's much easier for me to express my feelings when I'm depressed. I guess that's kind of sad but still, let's start ranting.
So why am I feeling sad this time around ? I think it's because I've been thinking too much this afternoon and as always, once the negative thoughts start rushing in, nothing seems to be able to stop them from flooding my mind with the usual questions.
Another thing that has been bothering me today is the fact that no one in my life seems to know the person I am but, even worse, I myself have no real idea of who I am. Isn't it sad that at almost 24 years old, I must still have such doubts and questions about myself and will I ever find the answers to those interrogations ?
There's a part of me that so badly wants to experience life fully, to stop always being so cautious and start taking risks, to show my feelings rather than hide them, to finally show others that I am not just a cold and distant kind of guy, that this is just a mask I wear to protect myself...
If only this part was stronger, it could perhaps win and I would have a chance to become a different person. Instead, it's always the part of me who is all about self-control that is the strongest. It's not only tiring to always keep my composure in such a way, it just goes in the way of being able to enjoy life, meet others and beat my shyness.
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Post by Scotty on May 29, 2011 22:45:38 GMT -5
Funny how I keep posting here everytime I'm feeling really down, I think it's becoming a kind of habit. I suppose there's also the fact that it's much easier for me to express my feelings when I'm depressed. I guess that's kind of sad but still, let's start ranting. I often do this whenever I have a blog. I'll post whenever I'm depressed and forget to post whenever I'm happy. I can relate. I'm almost 27 and I'm still figuring myself out. No career and no real passion or dreams, makes me feel a bit boring sometimes. But try not to worry about it too much, as some of the more interesting people are the ones that don't know themselves. Overcoming this requires practice and patience I'm afraid. Hopefully you'll meet some people who take the time to get to know you. At that point you'll get used to being around people and become more comfortable around them.
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Post by Grayback on Jun 2, 2011 4:12:52 GMT -5
Sorry for not answering your post sooner Scotty but I needed some time to clear all those negative thoughts and to answer more rationally.
Good to know I'm not the only one doing this.
Yeah that's true, I tend to forget that there are many other people trying to figure who they are and I guess this is a process that can take up to a lifetime for some of us.
Once again you are right, thank you for the advice. I have to try and have a little more faith about myself and my capabilities.
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Post by Grayback on Aug 5, 2011 14:16:15 GMT -5
First of all I would like to warn everyone that will have the courage to read this that it will be another rant of mine but with perhaps less sense than usual and for that I apologize, I need to get some things off my chest. Note that this time I know what triggered those feelings, it has to do with my brother's wedding last Saturday.
Anyway, I must start this by saying I'm ashamed of myself because I've realized how self-centered I am sometimes. During the wedding which is supposed to be a moment of happiness for everyone I couldn't help but feel sad for myself... Any decent human being would have put aside those feelings and rejoice for this momentous occasion but I didn't.
If only I could pretend to be happy but I'm not a good actor and even if I try to force a smile, anyone can read into my eyes the pain and sadness I suffer from. It's so hard to believe though, what do I have to complain about ? I eat every day, I sleep under a roof, I have a good job. So many people across the world don't even have that and yet some of them seem happier somehow.
What am I missing ? It feels as though I'm a puzzle and there's one essential piece missing but it's nowhere to be found... I do know that my inaction is the main reason for where I am right now, where I've been for too long. I always say I'll do something but I don't because I'm a coward, there's no other explanation. I cannot blame my family any more than I can blame society for my own flaws and faults.
The one thing I do know for certain is that I'm in pain. Not the physical kind but the mental/emotional one. Yet this pain is the only thing that really defines me when I think about it. If it were taken away, what would there be left for me to feel human ?
And then there's the subject of video games. It's like another world entirely. It's the one thing that allows me to escape from the world and become whatever/whoever I want to be, a place where your decisions actually matters even if it's all just virtual. That's probably one of the reasons video games are so popular, they allow you an amount of control and a feeling of power that most of us will never have in real life.
Of course, once you quit the game and turn off the computer, you're back with the worries of the real world and you still have to find the strength needed to go on. Oh well, it's time to stop the ranting before it becomes too heavy going.
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Post by lostmyself on Aug 5, 2011 15:21:41 GMT -5
It's human nature to be jealous of people happier than you. People often get depressed at weddings or on valentines day because they're jealous of all the people that have someone.
It's also human nature to compare yourself to the people better off than you and not the ones worse off. It's a good thing really because it means we will always strive for happiness rather than accepting what we've got.
I've thought the same thing as you. When I've seen families with nothing, you wonder how they can be so happy but its probably because they have nothing that their families are so close, each other is all they have. You sometimes see families with so much money and they're just distant from each other.
I agree with what Strawberry said previously. You just have to keep going for the hope that things might change.
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Post by Grayback on Oct 30, 2011 4:17:19 GMT -5
Thanks for what you wrote lostmyself, I agree with it and I apologize for not answering sooner but I guess I just didn't have enough to write about to justify a new post.
Anyway, it has been almost three months since my last rant so I figured it might be time to write something again and keep you all informed of what has happened since the last time.
So, what happened in my life since then ? I'm still pretty much in the same place I've always been ( and by that I mean that my relations with others are still limited to colleagues from work and, when at home, "internet friends" ) but there has been one change in my life ( and an important one at that ). My mood has been pretty good and holding up so far for I guess two continuous months ( which is quite amazing for me ).
I've tried staying more positive and accepting myself for who I am, it's certainly not always easy but so far I seem to be able to manage it. There has even been a few times during those two months where I've felt happy, I can't quite explain it but I guess I finally found the peace I was looking for and from now on I will strive to not let myself go on so down again like I was not too long ago.
Life is such an ironic thing though. At times it feels so pointless and gives you so little reason to appreciate it and other times you realize how precious it is, how much every moment is worth it, the good ones but also the bad ones because both make up a good part of who you are.
I guess that is the reason I was looking for so long, there are no real reasons for what I've gone through in life so far. It happened because of who I am and as such I am mostly responsible for it, for those feelings of despair, for wallowing in self-pity like I have done for so long. But no more, I will not let my bad experiences of life be the only thing that define me. I will use the few good things that have happened to me in life so far and remember that I make my own way.
That's essentially the main change I was talking about, I refuse to let bad feelings get in the way and while I have not made any other major changes in my life, this was enough to make me feel better and accept who I am right now while also seeing the potential of who I could be if I make enough efforts. It's now up to me to make the other changes my life needs and while I know they won't happen overnight, I feel positive that they will given time and even though I'll most probably always be shy, I will eventually be able to not let it impede my life and feelings as much.
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Post by lostmyself on Nov 3, 2011 3:44:24 GMT -5
It's really good to see that you're feeling much more positive Grayback. It's hard to accept your life and yourself for what they are so you've really made a big step forward and hopefully this positivity will help you achieve the things you want.
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Post by Grayback on Nov 3, 2011 13:50:55 GMT -5
Thanks lostmyself, I do feel that it is a good step forward for me and I believe that from now on, things will start to get better for me and my life will improve, because it is past time I took both my feet out of the mud they've been stuck in for so long and start walking toward a better place .
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Post by Karen on Nov 4, 2011 9:26:44 GMT -5
^ Beautifully put! ;D I love how much more upbeat you've been sounding lately Grayback. I hope you continue to feel good, and move toward improving your happiness in life. Good luck my friend!
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Post by Grayback on Nov 4, 2011 14:06:29 GMT -5
Thanks Karen, you truly are a great friend and you've helped me a lot get through the more difficult times, I hope I can do the same for you if ever you need me .
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Post by Grayback on Feb 24, 2012 14:33:20 GMT -5
It has been a long time since I last posted in here, in fact it seems that each new post I make here is separated by an increasing time gap. I have to wonder whether that's a good or a bad thing.
Anyway, what has happened with me during all this time ? Honestly, things were going rather well for me, to the point where I let my guard down for quite some time and enjoyed my life as it was.
Big mistake from me, I should have known that things tend to go wrong whenever everything feels good. Mind you, this time it's not just due to a mood change or anything provoked by my screwed up way of thinking. No, this time everything went wrong simply because I had to take in two bad news ( which I will not discuss here as this is far too personal even for this topic where I've been quite open so far ) in a relatively short amount of time.
Needless to say, I was unprepared and at the time it felt a bit like someone punched me hard in the chest while yelling "Wake up, happiness is not for you, deal with it". This happened more than a month ago and it basically put me in a very bad place, one which I had not been in for quite some time, that is major depression.
At that point what happens is that I basically shut down completely, avoiding forums and instant messaging services and spending my time only between work and computer games. Why did I do that ? Probably because I know that when I feel like that, there's no point in me being around other human beings, except out of necessity ( aka work... ).
However I am slowly beginning to "pick up the pieces" and overall, things are improving for me though I do not expect to feel good again any time soon. So what do I expect by writing this post ? Not that much honestly, I just know that writing in here has helped me before, it allows me to collect my thoughts and helps me gain hindsight as to what my feelings exactly are and how they can evolve from here.
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Post by Karen on Feb 25, 2012 12:37:30 GMT -5
Sorry you've been having such a difficult time lately Grayback. I'm glad you've come back to SU. *hug!*
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