|
Post by Grayback on Feb 26, 2012 12:11:47 GMT -5
Sorry you've been having such a difficult time lately Grayback. I'm glad you've come back to SU. *hug!* Thanks Karen, I might write some more in here soon, because SU is really the only place where I could write my honest thoughts like that without feeling ashamed.
|
|
|
Post by lostmyself on Feb 26, 2012 15:57:36 GMT -5
Sorry you've been having a hard time lately Grayback. I hope things get better for you and I'm glad you feel like you can open up here
|
|
|
Post by Zoe on Feb 26, 2012 16:18:58 GMT -5
I agree with both what Karen and lostmyself has said and I would like to add that you have been a pillar of support to each individual that needed help, I only hope we can do the same for you. *Hugs*
|
|
|
Post by Grayback on Feb 28, 2012 14:53:54 GMT -5
Thank you both Zoe and lostmyself, your kind words are very much appreciated.
|
|
|
Post by Grayback on Mar 25, 2012 13:39:50 GMT -5
It's funny how I said that I would write here again "soon" and yet another month has come and gone already. I guess time really does fly ;D. Anyway, things have improved for me and overall I feel much better than I did last time which is mostly due to the fact that I've had some good news recently and that the bad things I had to get through have pretty much been dealt with. Still, I know how easily life can manage to throw new and unexpected obstacles at you and as such I'm being careful not to get too satisfied with myself. Beyond that I suppose I've also been pretty busy lately both at work and at home ( I blame Mass Effect 3 for the latter ) and that's a good thing because as long as I'm busy I'm not "drowning" in my own thoughts and as a result I'm less prone to bouts of depression. Overall I would say that things are looking okay for me right now and that I hope they'll continue to be that way for some time. If not, I can always come back here and share some more of my thoughts with you my dear readers.
|
|
|
Post by Grayback on Aug 13, 2012 14:03:14 GMT -5
Dear journal, it has been quite some time since I last wrote something and I apologize for that Actually no, who cares about the feelings of a journal, does it even have feelings at all ?
That's a terrible way to start a rant, isn't it ? Allow me to try and make a little more sense. So, what has been happening to me during all this time ? Mostly good things, I've felt better than I have in a long time. Still, there have been a few things every now and again that reminds me how much of an alien I am compared to most people.
Don't worry though, this isn't going to be a depressing rant like most of my previous ones were... Well, not too much at any rate ;D. So anyway, the latest example of such an occurrence in my life was yesterday afternoon. My sister came to visit us with her best friend and her two kids ( a boy that is 15 years old and a girl that is around 10 I believe ) who were also along for the ride.
I expect you might already see where this is going but nonetheless, I'm going to be as precise as possible, if only because I need to sort all the thoughts I have by writing them. So the boy is very much a pc addict like myself though of course there is quite a generation gap between us. Naturally that meant that my parents, my sister and the mother of the kids expected me to have conversations with him.
The problem of course is that I didn't meet those expectations. The reasons for that are numerous and stem from my many problems among which are the following : First of all, I really don't like kids, it's a terrible thing to say I know but not only do they remind me of what I lost too suddenly/painfully ( and by that I mean my innocence ), they also bring back memories of how cruel some kids were with me during my teenager years. Secondly, there's the fact that I'm never comfortable when meeting someone for the first time. Once I've seen the person a bunch of times and that I'm starting to know them rather well, contact does become easier and more natural for me. Of course, that's also kind of ironic considering the fact that my job confronts me with random people every day and yet I have no problem dealing with that... Finally and if that wasn't enough, I have even more difficulty saying anything the bigger a group is. We were eight and that was enough to almost paralyze me. I only answered to questions I was asked and even then very awkwardly making me seem like some kind of idiot.
I mean for fu*k's sake, both the mother of the two kids and my sister tried their best to establish a dialog between me and the boy. I was even asked what kind of games I liked and the only thing I was able to answer was strategy games and then I stopped kind off in the middle of the sentence ( or rather the sentence did end but it was too short... ) It's like I lost the ability to answer in detail something I know by heart and that I'm used to answer online.
All of this does show once again ( not that it needed any more proof after reading the previous rants I've written in here ;D ) that I really do have some big issues. Oh well, life goes on as it always does I guess and however broken I am I'm still feeling rather good, I just wish I was normal.
|
|
|
Post by Grayback on Nov 2, 2012 15:08:13 GMT -5
It is said that human beings are social animals. That makes me wonder, what place is there in this world for someone like me? If anything, I am a solitary animal, does this mean that I'm not a human being ? I suppose not, it wouldn't make much sense yet there are times when I feel I don't belong here. But then where do I belong, if anywhere at all ?
The question I then find myself asking is why am I still here, why do I keep on living when there is so little point to it ? Is it hope that has kept me going all these years or is it just cowardice ? In all honesty, it might very well be the latter, I fear both the pain I would have to inflict myself to end my life as well as the unknown, what exactly, if anything, awaits me after death ?
And if I do go on surviving as I have so far, what do I really have to look forward to, what reason is there for me to live ? I'll just continually disappoint myself as well as those around me, I'll end up as a bitter and possibly even hateful human being and I will always be alone. I do not want that to happen but that's most likely where my life is heading.
|
|
|
Post by marle on Nov 3, 2012 17:09:40 GMT -5
Grayback,
I've asked myself this too. It is not exactly true that shy people are not social. We are just much more selective about it. That still begs the question, is it inferior to the way most people are, who are more outgoing and seem to be benefiting well from that?
It is one of my core beliefs that there is value in having some people live outside the normal ways of being. They bring a different perspective on things, perspectives that may be missed from living in the normal flow of society. This applies to everything, even to something as fundamental as social interactions. A society does not understand itself without some people living on its edges. And while social interactions are crucial, the substance of those interactions matter too.
Even if you see a purpose to your life, you can still be unhappy, and I know that well. I'm not the best person for advice on how to be happy. But I believe there is potential to becoming a more caring person just as there is potential to end up bitter from loneliness. Should fortunes change and the opportunity arises where certain people, or person comes into your life you may end up cherishing them more. You can also empathize better with people suffering from loneliness, which can be helpful in certain ways.
What I am saying is that if you make it out on the other side, you will be a better person for it, and there is no way of knowing you that you will always feel the way you do now. But in any case, there is no doubt that your life is meaningful.
I'm certainly no Pollyana on this. You will probably see me write somewhat doomful posts in my own diary thread. For me though, it is about hope. There are some things I want to experience in life, and a one percent chance - even if it were that small - is infinitely more than zero (death). I'm holding on... (I'll stop talking about myself now because this is your space)
|
|
|
Post by Farouche on Nov 4, 2012 4:12:42 GMT -5
It is said that human beings are social animals. That makes me wonder, what place is there in this world for someone like me? If anything, I am a solitary animal, does this mean that I'm not a human being ? I suppose not, it wouldn't make much sense yet there are times when I feel I don't belong here. But then where do I belong, if anywhere at all ? Really sorry to hear you're feeling that way, GB. I often get the feeling that I missed out on finding my "tribe," and I know that the pain of feeling cut off from society can be very affecting. Like you said: everything tells us we're supposed to be social creatures, from the inside out. How can a person have these social urges and want so much to participate, yet we fail at seemingly basic social efforts? So at this point, would you say that a girlfriend is your main concern, or is it real-life people who understand you in general? If the former, I don’t know if it helps at all to remind you that in the age of the internet, you can make full use of your writing talents to make a connection. As you said in an earlier post, you’re already able to attract internet friends, which just goes to show that even by external standards, you have worth as a human: people want you to come sit by their campfire. If real-life friends are the problem, then I wonder: have you met any of your online friends offline? Are you close to any of them, or would you say that they know the real you? Have you mentioned to any of them that you have trouble talking to people in person?* Meeting in a coffee shop for a three hour chat might not be feasible (or even desirable), but what about gaming together or something like that? That’s a lot of question marks, but I don’t actually mean to grill you. It just sounds like your perception of your own social worth is disconnected from the fact that when people know you (i.e., through your writing), they tend to like you as much as anyone. * Completely understandable if you feel weird bring it up, but if you’re frequenting gamer forums, I figure there’s a greater than average chance that the people you’re talking to are somewhat socially awkward themselves (if you believe certain stereotypes). Even though the gamer base has broadened a whole lot in recent years, I’d be surprised if this isn’t still a fair bet. Just being an internet forum-frequenter may also be a “risk factor” for shyness and/or introversion.I’m also looking at your second-to-last post (cue excerpt): I mean for fu*k's sake, both the mother of the two kids and my sister tried their best to establish a dialog between me and the boy. I was even asked what kind of games I liked and the only thing I was able to answer was strategy games and then I stopped kind off in the middle of the sentence ( or rather the sentence did end but it was too short... ) It's like I lost the ability to answer in detail something I know by heart and that I'm used to answer online. All of this does show once again ( not that it needed any more proof after reading the previous rants I've written in here ;D ) that I really do have some big issues. Oh well, life goes on as it always does I guess and however broken I am I'm still feeling rather good, I just wish I was normal. ...and just wanted to say that, from your description, it sounds like an awkward situation, not really an ideal setup that you squandered. I wonder how much better you’d have gotten along with this kid—10 years your junior, which alone makes relating more difficult—if you were both playing a game at the time, or even if you had a gaming magazine to provide some obvious topics of conversation; if your sister and his mom hadn’t been watching expectantly for a conversation to develop; and if you didn’t have bad associations with teenagers. (I suspect I have my own tendency to give undue weight to experiences where I “failed” and feel like a normal person would easily succeed—but maybe it’s more important that even if the normal person “failed,” they wouldn’t put nearly as much weight on the failure in light of all their other social encounters.) The question I then find myself asking is why am I still here, why do I keep on living when there is so little point to it ? Is it hope that has kept me going all these years or is it just cowardice ? In all honesty, it might very well be the latter, I fear both the pain I would have to inflict myself to end my life as well as the unknown, what exactly, if anything, awaits me after death ? In considering this, your signature quote caught my eye: "I shall pass through this life but once. Any good therefore that I can do, let me do it now. Let me not defer or neglect it. For I shall never pass this way again.” We’ll never pass this way again. For me, personally, that thought can stir up many emotions, but most significantly it makes me think of all the worthwhile and interesting parts of life. Making things (including internet posts); reading up on a particular thread of history (there’s so much information out there, and you can really go deep and find some interesting insights into humanity); watching to see what new technology brings (probably some very interesting blurring of game/reality, plus medical advances, like growing new organs in a lab); etc. I think having an interest in anything is reason to keep on living! Do what good you can, including for yourself, because… you'll never pass this way again. And if I do go on surviving as I have so far, what do I really have to look forward to, what reason is there for me to live ? I'll just continually disappoint myself as well as those around me, I'll end up as a bitter and possibly even hateful human being and I will always be alone. I do not want that to happen but that's most likely where my life is heading. I hope the above doesn’t happen; I don’t believe it will happen; and I hope you don’t quit trying to find people who make you feel not-alone. Things really can change. As Marle put it: What I am saying is that if you make it out on the other side, you will be a better person for it, and there is no way of knowing you that you will always feel the way you do now. But in any case, there is no doubt that your life is meaningful.
|
|
|
Post by simon51 on Nov 5, 2012 4:33:06 GMT -5
I've only just joined SU and after reading all the above posts its made me realise why i did.
Even though i've always had people i grew up with knowing to say hello to i've never actually had a single proper friend for the last 10/11 years since leaving primary[middle] school, although i've been shy and have found socializing difficult all my life due to me having aspergers syndrome, i never really bothered me until i reached my late teens when i did start to develop social anxiety/depression, and now at the age of 22 its become worse. Now i'm older i have become more confident in generally speaking to people in work situations, and i think i put on a face to the outside world of being quiet but quite laid back as well.
I've never had a relationship with a girl in my life and would really like to be in a relationship, which i think contributes quite alot to my depression issues, that and being shy which generates the feeling of being cut off from society as farouche mentions, are probably the two things i feel most consious of. It really doesen't make me feel good when my depression/frustration starts to affect my family, and even worse when sometimes it really takes me over and you just can't help feeling that way. I'm glad in that i do have hobby related things to lose myself in and take my mind off of it at times, but nonetheless i do understand as others have put how shy-ness can really cause feelings of isolation.
I did find it quite difficult to write this by the way, so i hope i haven't rambled on too much!
|
|
|
Post by ura on Nov 5, 2012 20:00:33 GMT -5
I hate how much I can relate to all of your posts, particular simon51's, good entry post by the way and I'm sure most people can relate. For some reason you still have more hope about addressing shyness when you're younger but as you get older you feel more and more hopeless about it, personally I've gotten less shy over the year by repeatedly talking to people but I still find it difficult to make friends, like the years of being shy have stunted my ability to relate to people to such a degree that I'm miles behind.
That post was a bit of a downer and I'm sorry for hijacking your thread Farouche but I can relate too.
To bring this back on topic I too had problems with relatives, my cousin was very hard to talk to when he was 15 and I was about 5 years older than him, we got on well as children but as he became older but we didn't see each other for years until he was 15, when I found it very hard to talk to him. Fast forward to him at 18 now and it was much easier.
Similar to what you are currently describing Farouche but I find that when you wallow about your circumstances it kind of becomes easy, a negative attitude can cause negative thoughts and kill any hope of trying to improve any situation, I mean I know this contradicts what I said above but perhaps just trying to get through those more depressed periods and trying to think positively about it. I mean at the very least this forum is providing some great advice and support.
|
|
|
Post by simon51 on Nov 6, 2012 11:25:09 GMT -5
Thanks Ura, i know exactly what you mean when you say you've become less shy over the years but still find it difficult to make friends, i'm the same in that i'm pretty confident in generally approaching and talking to people but for some reason i just can't seem to make friends and keep them as friends.
|
|
|
Post by Grayback on Nov 9, 2012 15:34:49 GMT -5
First of all, allow me to apologize for that last rant of mine, I'll admit it was much darker and depressing than my latest posts in here and honestly, I can't promise that this post will be much better... In some ways it seems as though I've taken a few steps backwards and lost the progress I had managed to make so far in my life. But at the same time the truth is that those questions have never really left my mind, I have just been ignoring them as best I could. Secondly, I want to thank every single one of you for your helpful comments as response to my rant. I'll try and write something that addresses as many of the points you've all raised as possible.
I do agree with your point of view Marle, people that live on the fringe of society are kind of a necessity ( or rather it's simply unavoidable ) and even if that wasn't the case, some people just aren't meant or able to live what one might consider a "normal" life. The problem is that those people who do live at the edge of society are often subjected to the contempt expressed by the people from the "inside" of society.
Which is why one like me is more likely to end up bitter even if right now I still consider myself a kind if cynical kind of person. Because when people mistreat you and consider your kindness as a form of weakness that allow them to walk all over you, you can't help but feel angry... And then all you are left with is hope but how long can that sustain someone, how many times does it have to be crushed before you can't help but give up ? Last but not least, do not be bothered by the fact that you're talking about yourself Marle, it's how best we seem to relate to each others as shy and socially awkward individuals.
Now on to your post Farouche, it's both in-depth and interesting and I doubt very much I'll be able to provide the same quality here in my post but I shall do the best I can. First of all and though this is a rather terrible answer to your question, I do not honestly know what I'm looking for at this point of my life. I don't think I have any chance of being able to spark a friendship outside of the Internet nor do I think that there's anyone out there that could possibly want to be my girlfriend, at least not once she knows the many issues I suffer from.
The problem is that I am terrified by the fact that people I know on The Internet would discover who I really am, I feel that the person I am on most Internet forums ( be it about video games or other interests of mine ) is not the real one and thus I don't want them to find out that in reality, I'm a very awkward, shy and sometimes severely depressed human being. You're probably right that I'm far from the only one in this situation on gamer forums or websites but unfortunately, having that knowledge does not change the way I feel.
You're obviously right when you say that we tend to take our failures much more seriously than "normal" people would. It seems this is one of the many curses we suffer from as a result of our shyness. At the same time, we often underestimate our successes, feeling that what we managed to do wasn't that great or impressive, that others would have done better than us, etc...
Ah yes, my quote, it's a good one I'll admit but lately, there's another one that has caught my eye, one that's unfortunately too long to use as a signature. I first read it at the end of a video game called Cryostasis, this quote comes from a man called Vladimir Solovyov : "As long as the dark foundation of our nature, grim in its all-encompassing egoism, mad in its drive to make that egoism into reality, to devour everything and to define everything by itself, as long as that foundation is visible, as long as this truly original sin exists within us, we have no business here and there is no logical answer to our existence. Imagine a group of people who are all blind, deaf and slightly demented and suddenly someone in the crowd asks, "What are we to do?"... The only possible answer is "Look for a cure". Until you are cured, there is nothing you can do. And since you don't believe you are sick, there can be no cure."
At any rate, thank you Marle and Farouche for your encouraging posts and thank you as well to simon51 and ura for sharing their experiences here.
|
|
|
Post by Grayback on Sept 29, 2013 13:22:07 GMT -5
I can't believe almost a year has passed since I last posted in this thread. So what has changed for me in all that time ? Well, I've taken the first step needed for me to gain full autonomy, namely taking driving lessons in order to get my driving license. I'm happy to say that I got the theoretical part of the exam on the first try and the driving itself with the moniteur ( I've used the French word since I don't know how you call them in the US ) has been going pretty well all things considered. It helps that she's really nice and patient. Anyway, I'm really looking forward to having said license, it's going to improve my life quite a bit I reckon. After that, well, I should start looking for a place to live on my own. I'm now 26 and I'd like to get out of my parent's house before I'm 30 . Apart from that, there hasn't been much improvement on a more personal level. I'm still pretty much alone and I don't see that really changing anytime soon. As to whether or not I would actually like this to change, I don't know. I think the main problem I've suffered all these years and to this day is that I don't really know who I am. I've lived for so long with a mask that I don't really know what part of me is real and what part is fake. If I could figure that out, it would be pretty great and it would be help me quite a bit I think. Overall though I can't complain, things could be a lot worse for me. Right now I'm doing okay and I guess after all that I can't ask for much more than this .
|
|
|
Post by Grayback on Mar 26, 2014 13:57:01 GMT -5
Well, things haven't gone exactly the way I hoped to say the least. I unfortunately failed the practical part of the exam needed to get my driving license back in February. And, much to my disappointment, I will most likely have to wait at least until May before being able to do a second try due to the limited amount of places available. You know what the funny part is, I failed the exam because I was driving too fast, I didn't see the speed limit, this is pretty much the opposite of why I would have expected to fail. Indeed, it took me quite a while to stop being afraid of driving at said speed limit due to multiple fears all connected in some ways to either my shyness or my lack of trust in myself. If anything, this goes to show that I've made considerable progress since the beginning of those driving lessons. Still, I wish I had succeeded in the first try, it's so frustrating to not have gotten the exam for such a foolish mistake. Oh well, let's hope the second try will be the right one. Apart from that, there's hasn't been much of anything new happening in my life since last I wrote in here. I'm still kind of at a loss as to what purpose I want to give to my life and I'm not sure what it will take for me to solve that particular conundrum. Overall I'd say I'm doing okay, I'm not feeling great but neither am I depressed so good for me I guess. I hope the next time I write in here it will be to share a good news with you, that would make a nice change now wouldn't it ?
|
|