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Post by missklew on Aug 31, 2011 6:06:26 GMT -5
I don't understand why almost everyone seems to maintain a constant stream of chatter. Why don't I? Are my thoughts not geared to socially acceptable popular things? Is it just my lack of interests? When I have a thought, do I simply forget to have the urge "oh, I must share this thought with another person"? I wonder do people genuinely find most of the small-talk interesting? Is it the content, the person speaking, or the general social aspect of it that holds their interest? I really love peace and quiet and don't like pointless chatter about nothing.
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Post by marle on Sept 29, 2011 17:55:25 GMT -5
I was in an odd mood today. Occasionally but not often I feel like this. My mind was sharper today. It was easier to talk, and I felt more "with it." I still wasn't talkative, as that isn't my nature, but when I was forced into that situation I was doing significantly better. I felt a little like this yesterday though maybe not as much. It's interesting because I was feeling super tired later in the afternoon yet my mind was still more active. I will see how the next few days go. I hope it's not yet another fluky day. I'm wondering if my thyroid medication which I started a couple months ago has anything to do with it. Time will tell.
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Post by marle on Oct 6, 2011 18:50:53 GMT -5
As far as the odd mood thing I mentioned earlier, that was a fluky day. I wish I knew what causes it. The fact that it happened at all gives me a tiny bit of hope.
So this evening, after 1 hour, 1 cup of burdock root tea (to calm me?), 1 swigged down bottle of kombucha (to relax me?), and 1 cigarette (rarely smoke and don't inhale) I made my first phone call response to a used car ad. That ice is broken.
One thing I thought about before I called was how my voice sounded. I thought about my audio recording here. If I'm relaxed (my recording believe it or not) I sound more like a guy, if I'm feeling nervous I sound more like a girl (I think everyone's voice is more high-pitched when they're nervous).... but I sound nervous. I can't win. I don't obsess over it, it's just one small thing I think about in addition to everything else in terms of how I will be perceived.
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Post by marle on Oct 16, 2011 12:37:48 GMT -5
We all had just had a meal at a restaurant. She took me away to walk alone and talk outside on the sidewalk. I immediately thought "Why is she doing this? She knows very well I won't say much." She was my grandmother. For a moment I had forgotten what that meant and had a reflexive reaction - people generally don't speak to me when they know I don't say much back. There will be other people who they can have much easier conversations with. That's not what my grandmother was looking for. She was just looking to get as much out of me as she could. She knew relatively little of what was going on in my life, especially compared to her other granddaughters - who were involved in so many interesting activities, and who no doubt spoke to her fluidly and easily. She just wanted to get to know ALL her granddaughters.
I was reminded of that when I spoke to my mother recently on the phone. Our conversation lasted about an hour. Sure, some people just enjoy doing most of the talking and have the other person mostly listen. But I'm not even involved as the receiving end of those conversations - except family, and really my mom in particular. I imagine it would be difficult (here I go again with these thoughts) to not have my parents around and realize there's no one who is patient enough to talk to me even when I'm not giving them much.
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Post by marle on Dec 6, 2011 21:55:24 GMT -5
As I've gotten older and crossed adult milestones, I've become more realistic in what I think the future will hold for me.
One of those areas I've become more realistic about is romantic relationships. I haven't totally lost hope, but the chance of me having one is very remote. I haven't a "real life" friend since I was about 9 years old and I am 28 now. What are the chances then of having a serious romantic relationship? It just seems like I'm not built for one. I'm not great at talking and isn't that what a healthy relationship is based on?
Because it's so unlikely, I've been trying to not think about it as much. However that's very difficult. My parents would be happy though. To them my relationships would be evil and shameful (I'm gay and they're very conservative). Not causing them distress would be nice, but that's by accident, not by design. I cannot let anyone take away my hope, no matter how remote that hope is.
Still, the remoteness should be just more motivation to seek fulfillment in other areas of my life. I'm still trying to figure out how to do that.
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Post by marle on Mar 18, 2012 20:14:25 GMT -5
I notice all the time how similar I am to other people, and how other people are similar to each other. There are many little, mundane things of everyday existance that remind me I am a 99% clone who didn't come into existance on Earth out of thin air but from other humans like those around me. The same is true for the bigger things - hopes, fears, the way personal tragedies get experienced. It gives me a sense of redundancy, like I'm some kind of echo of human existence. It's not a bad thing - it just makes me lose my normal sense of individuality in that moment of realization. We're all aware that we share similarities, that's how we relate and empathize with each other. I have just been thinking about it a lot - maybe I just find it jarring sometimes - because most of the time I have an ever-present sense that I am fundamentally different from the vast majority of people. It's part of what makes me feel out of place. So I'm ironically going through life replicating the feelings and behaviors of all these people I feel fundamentally different from.
Of course I am different. Everyone is. Even twins are different from each other. But no one is VERY different from each other. It's just that some differences are more important to us than others. What's frustrating for me is knowing how important a few differences can be. A lack of normalcy in one trait can keep you from attaining the same things in life that others have - even though all of your basic desires are the same as theirs.
So close and so far.
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Post by marle on Mar 28, 2012 16:10:46 GMT -5
We didn't really keep in touch. He knew when I changed jobs, and where I was living. I never had much to say. When my grandfather was dying of cancer I was the last to know - after he died. If I had known, I would have contacted him. "Remember those comics you used to draw?" he would often say in recent years. He was referring to the ones from when I was about 10 years old. He was bringing it up 15 years or more later. My mother thought it was strange he wanted to talk about something from my childhood. But I don't blame him - those were better times, and I'd rather talk about that than how my job is going or my non-existant social life.
So I probably would have sent him one- even though the ones I still had (because they were in my diary) weren't very good. I'm sure it wouldn't have mattered to him how lame it was. I would have done so partly because I'm not so good with words. Not that I wouldn't also call, but I'm sure my cousins had much more to say to him. This would have been our thing.
I should have known.
I'll just stop here. I don't want to say too much about this.
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Post by Karen on Mar 28, 2012 17:47:56 GMT -5
Aww Marle *hug* Its easy to know what you should have, or wished you had done, when you look back. Its never that easy when you're living through it. Try not to regret too much, I'm sure your Grandfather understood your nature much better than you might think.
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Post by marle on Mar 29, 2012 20:12:52 GMT -5
Thanks Karen. He died 11 months ago. I was pretty distanced from my emotions when I posted that, but reading your response got me really emotional again for a moment. I probably think about my grandparents every day. The regret probably contributes to that. I've gone over my thoughts so many times that I'm fairly numb to this now. But when I get a new perspective on it, like some aspect I hadn't thought about, or just reading a post like yours I can feel some of the raw emotion (but I feel OK now). Its easy to know what you should have, or wished you had done, when you look back. It's even more difficult when it feels like it almost went the other way. I know that whatever happened can't be changed, but I don't know if I'll ever shake the feeling of having this "unfinished business" with them. The very day I found out what happened to my grandfather, was the day I was thinking I'd try to find an old comic, to send to him in "the future" "if it looks like he's seriously ill". That evening is when I found out he passed away in the early hours of the morning (and that he was seriously unwell the past week). I still felt the need to dig out my old comics and pick out the one I would have sent him, giving every consideration to the choice as if I was really going to send it. But like I said, I'm more dull to this now, for the most part.
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Post by marle on Apr 19, 2012 16:26:54 GMT -5
Drifting.
As I've written about before, I have low energy, little enthusiasm, and few interests. I'm mentally more dull than I used to be. With being extremely quiet and introverted on top of that and I would say I'm pretty disengaged. As I said in my member introductions post I'm trying to keep myself from fading away. As I type this I'm feeling more worried, as I do when I write about anything. I hope this isn't a problem that's going to get worse, at the very least. I don't want to make it sound as if I'm about to lose my mind. Medically, the only related issue I'm aware of is that I apparently have low thyroid function, which means a low metabolism. I also don't get as much sleep as I'd like to.
I really feel like I'm not living as much. I feel like I'm wasting a lot of time. Existing but not doing anywhere near as much living as the other people around me. I might live to age 80 but to consider how much I have "lived" life it might be like someone else living to 35.
So I'm sort of trudging along, having a vague sense that I should be working on my physical/mental health (self), and finding things to do that are motivating to me (living life) even with my low energy. I really believe that motivation is everything. But I also believe, unfortunately, that motivation is something you don't really choose. I feel like my best bet is to work on my health and find those few things that motivate me.
I wish I knew better how to do that.
"a man can do as he will, but not will as he will" -- Albert Einstein paraphrasing Arthur Schopenhauer
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Post by marle on May 24, 2012 17:20:36 GMT -5
Well, I just had my yearly job evaluation today. I got an above average rating: "consistently exceeds expectations". Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a parallel universe. So much of perceived success is based on who you work under, how nice they are, and how busy and serious you appear to be at your job. I still need to be upfront about how I'm not really suited for my current position. My deficiencies are still there and while the person I'm working still hopes that it will improve with time, for the most part I don't think it will. And I mostly don't like what I do (in my specific position). It feels wrong for me, for various reasons. But if they want to give me this positive evaluation, they can totally knock themselves out. And I will continue to let them think my quietness makes me super productive (that's only logical!)
This can't last forever though.
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Owen
Full Member
Posts: 161
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Post by Owen on May 25, 2012 8:04:49 GMT -5
Well, I just had my yearly job evaluation today. I really hate that day of the year. You know from the moment the form lands in your inbox you're in for a depressing few weeks. All they do is force you to think about all the things you've not done with your life over the past year. One of these days I'm just going to write "I existed" in the box asking me to describe the last twelve months and send it across to my boss with the words "See you in the meeting!" and a picture of me with my thumbs up. Seriously though I've read though most of your entries and it's eerie how much of what you say sounds like my life, makes me feel better knowing I'm not the only one facing these kind of problems. And if it makes you feel any better, when I had my blood test for my suspected thyroid problem I passed out when I got back to my car...
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Post by marle on Aug 8, 2012 17:42:21 GMT -5
^A long overdue thanks, Owen, for reading through much of my diary posts. I'm thankful to anyone who would actually read any of this. One of these days I'm just going to write "I existed" in the box asking me to describe the last twelve months and send it across to my boss with the words "See you in the meeting!" and a picture of me with my thumbs up. I think about that often ("just existing") especially at work. I never chat. I would be totally fine socializing with coworkers through email, but I assume that is frowned upon.
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Post by marle on Aug 8, 2012 17:53:21 GMT -5
Another installment in my Boring Blatherings In Listlessness:
I had another one of these kind of days. I don't understand it. I felt sharper, more socially confident and lucid. The strange thing is that these days seem to have nothing to do with the amount of sleep I got. I had the usual amount of sleep - too little. I didn't have anything out of the ordinary to eat/drink either. I wish I understood why this happens. I wonder if how we feel when we start the day depends on how we slept the night before - not how much, but the quality. Like maybe I had the right kind of dreams to feel refreshed...
I've been taking thyroid replacement drugs for a year now, and overall I don't feel different than before. My doctor tells me they could be providing me unnoticed health benefits, and I take them because she tells me to and I don't really know what to do. It's sort of apathy thats making me take the drugs, I would just rather keep doing whatever I'm doing and follow others' orders. That's why I agreed to her recommendation to see an endrocinologist.
She did say, "Unless there's anything I'm missing." I didn't tell her that my life situation is not something to feel upbeat about. I didn't want to talk about lack of friends, etc. When she asked if I felt very sad much of the time, I honestly told her no. Most of the time I wouldn't exactly say I feel sad, just a dull mild to moderate melancholy except the times I manage to distract myself with things like TV, websites, music or I'm engaged in a project at work. Or I'm just not feeling anything in particular.
I bought a book about treating my condition naturally (like through diet), ironically even with this medical specialist appointment coming up. I haven't gotten to reading it yet, I plan to try whatever seems safe to do and don't have intentions to stop medications or anything.
I still wonder if the hypothyoidism is a cause or a symptom of something else. The functions of your body are so interconnected, including your mind. Call me crazy, I just don't know.
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Post by missklew on Aug 13, 2012 10:05:30 GMT -5
hormones seem to be so complex and there are other factors diet, exercise, sleep, sunshine, etc.
how did you find out you were hypothyroid?
do you have a vitamin d deficiency? i found out i had a pretty bad one and that was really making me feel bad.
what is the diet like you are going to try? i think im hypo but the tests never show that i am.
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