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Post by marle on Aug 13, 2012 17:37:09 GMT -5
hormones seem to be so complex and there are other factors diet, exercise, sleep, sunshine, etc. how did you find out you were hypothyroid? do you have a vitamin d deficiency? i found out i had a pretty bad one and that was really making me feel bad. what is the diet like you are going to try? i think im hypo but the tests never show that i am. missklew, I found out I was hypothyroid when I went in for a routine physical and had bloodwork done for TSH levels. I don't recall if the TSH test was routine or done based on my doctor's conversation with me, although I never brought up the topic myself. I was told that I have Hashimito's disease, an autoimmune disorder where the immune system attacks the thyroid. I've never gotten vitamin D levels checked, but I haven't seen any difference when I've gotten more of it, either through diet or sunshine, so I can probably rule that out. Did you just find out your vitamin D issue recently? Are you feeling better now because you've been able to address that? I haven't read my diet book yet and haven't begun the changes- but I know that it recommends cutting out gluten (which is in many baked goods) among other things. Overall I would think my current diet is very healthy. I'm a natural food nut and don't consume any artificial ingredients (except for rare occasions). Maybe I'm just sensitive to certain normal foods and don't realize it... I figure I better try something.
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Post by marle on Nov 6, 2012 18:28:45 GMT -5
Just found out my iron count is very low ("9 when it should be 60"). That surprised me because I didn't think my diet was missing anything important. Also my hypothyroidism is relatively mild, so my symptoms may have only little to do with that. I'm going to take iron supplements and will be interested to see if that makes any difference in the coming months. Iron deficiency might explain some of my fatigue and hair loss/breakage. I've also had moments, not often but in a way that didn't feel normal, of getting dizzy and light-headed. My dad has a form of anemia. I hope I don't have a more serious problem underlying this, and that I just need to start eating shellfish on a regular basis.
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Post by marle on Dec 29, 2012 21:52:09 GMT -5
You just need to practice. You just need to remember to say certain things at the right times. You need to write down things to say on a piece of paper and memorize them. You need to force yourself to do things you don't want to do. You need to ignore your sense of uneasiness, knowing that your instinctual emotions are not to be trusted.
All the while doing this, you need to relax and not think too much.
I can't do this. Give me drugs. Or put me in an environment where I mainly interact with people who I have long-standing trust and familiarity with (or where I can reasonably expect that to develop).
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Post by missklew on Dec 31, 2012 4:56:03 GMT -5
You just need to practice. You just need to remember to say certain things at the right times. You need to write down things to say on a piece of paper and memorize them. You need to force yourself to do things you don't want to do. You need to ignore your sense of uneasiness, knowing that your instinctual emotions are not to be trusted. All the while doing this, you need to relax and not think too much. I can't do this. Give me drugs. Or put me in an environment where I mainly interact with people who I have long-standing trust and familiarity with (or where I can reasonably expect that to develop). I like this. What are you practicing? How is your iron levels now?
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Post by marle on Dec 31, 2012 10:48:44 GMT -5
Missklew, Sorry, I was ranting and it didn't come out clearly. I was reciting the general wisdom about overcoming shyness. I imagine most of it works for other people, which is how it became general wisdom, but I feel like it's not enough for me (hence the last paragraph). I also don't relate to how people can both distrust their instincts and "relax and not think too much." If you don't have your instincts to rely on, don't you have to spend more time thinking to process situations? I'll know my new iron levels in a couple of weeks, thanks for asking.
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Post by missklew on Dec 31, 2012 20:30:51 GMT -5
Missklew, Sorry, I was ranting and it didn't come out clearly. I was reciting the general wisdom about overcoming shyness. I imagine most of it works for other people, which is how it became general wisdom, but I feel like it's not enough for me (hence the last paragraph). I also don't relate to how people can both distrust their instincts and "relax and not think too much." If you don't have your instincts to rely on, don't you have to spend more time thinking to process situations? I'll know my new iron levels in a couple of weeks, thanks for asking. Ok I see what you mean. I do think some drugs can help to get to the point of being willing to try scary things. I regularly have to ignore my panic attacks. There is still the slight thought in the back of my mind of what if I really am dying and I am ignoring it? I don't think the solutions are easy.
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Post by marle on May 21, 2013 18:20:13 GMT -5
Just to update,
Missklew asked about my iron levels. They've definitely improved although they still need to be higher. I don't have what my dad has (significantly low blood cell count) just the low iron. It's hard to tell what kind of difference the iron supplements have made in my mood, although it may be slightly better (that's still not saying much). Noticeably, my hair is breaking/falling out less, so it may have helped that (I'm hoping it isn't just because so much had fallen out all ready).
I went to see a mental health practitioner today, for the first time in eight years. So begins the experimentation with medication to control my depression/social anxiety. I'm starting out on Cymbalta, which is in a different class than SSRI's like Paxil, and works on the norepinephrine transmitter. Based on her recommendation I am also going to try seeing a psychologist - I worry a little about that because I'm under the impression that psychologists/therapists do not like to look at problems from a medical viewpoint. I don't want to see someone who thinks every dysfunction is caused by some trauma. Will have to see.
(edited because misspellings just bug me)
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Post by marle on Dec 5, 2013 20:00:47 GMT -5
Since I last updated, I've been on several anti-depressant medications. Each one has significantly raised my blood pressure, so I'm becoming more pessimistic about the long-term viability of taking them. For the past few weeks I have gotten off of the latest one - Wellbutrin - and decided not to replace it with anything else for the meantime. The only pharmaceutical I am taking now is the thyroid replacement hormone and I want to see what my blood pressure normally is without all the other stuff.
Some of the anti-depressants did make me feel slightly less depressed, but did not have any other effect. They did not make me less apathetic, more energetic or more social. The next time I see my psychiatrist I will ask about medications that focus more on social anxiety. However, the last time I took a medication for that it was Paxil, and it resulted in some erratic behavior including a suicide attempt when I was a teenager. I'm told anti-anxiety meds may not suit me because my anxiety is specific to social situations and not general in nature.
So I'm more pessimistic about the medication situation. I can experiment with other anti-depressants, but I'm also tired of seeing the high blood pressure readings. I'm a little bit of a health nut and that really bothers me.
I've also been seeing a psychologist/therapist since I last posted. It felt meaningful to discuss my problem with her - I pretty much told her what I've written here. However, after the first few weeks I'm not sure how much benefit I'm getting from it. After the first few weeks I've said pretty much everything I needed to say. I am now going out of habit, and the fact that at anytime some emotionally taxing event may happen and I'll want to have someone to discuss it with that I feel comfortable with. That may be a bad reason to keep going but I don't know. I don't have much to say in the sessions but when I talk I think I can ramble and blather on enough at her prompting questions that somehow the time gets filled. Speaking of which, when it comes my time to post in the audio/video thread, there is no way I'm going to do it on a night when I had a therapy session, because I am completely sick of my own voice by the end of those. Come to think of it, I guess I'm rambling on right now but it's different somehow in text.
The therapist said I was "a puzzle." She doesn't understand why I can't have conversations with people. She wanted me to get some psychological testing and I was very interested in that but somehow that fell through. The doctor who administers the test in our area said it wouldn't tell us anything we "didn't all ready know" based on his telephone conversation with her.
I really don't know if psychologists are going to help me that much. My own theory at the moment is that the best I can do is place myself into different types of situations, and hopefully one of those situations ends up with a better social outcome. Not so much focusing on social exchanges moment-by-moment, as in What do I say now? What do I say next? But trying different situations that may have different social dynamics.
And speaking of placing myself into different situations, there is one big thing I'm looking forward to right now. I'm planning on moving out of my current place and finding another place to live with roommate(s). I've never had a roommate before and am interested to see what the dynamic is like. I'm also doing it for the usual reason which is to save money. I feel like I'm wasting so much money right now. I'm 30 and I don't have much to show for it. It doesn't feel like I'm really 'living' anyway, so squandering money now feels like it makes even less sense. Might as well be saving for the distant future - maybe I'll have more of a 'life' then?
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Post by Strawberry on Dec 8, 2013 20:57:04 GMT -5
Planning to live with roommates seems to be a pretty big step to take, especially if you're used to living alone for so long. So kudos to you. I'm lucky in that I don't feel like I've ever had any horrible roommates, so I hope you also get some good experiences from it. You definitely learn a lot more about someone once you live with them. A person out in public and then in private can be a completely different story. Good luck, and you'll have to update us.
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Post by Zoe on Dec 14, 2013 6:51:50 GMT -5
All the best with your venture in moving out and finding new housemates. Hope it brings a new source of energy in your life.
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Post by marle on Feb 2, 2014 16:42:17 GMT -5
Well, I know where I'm living next. Next weekend I'm moving into a two bedroom apartment in the same apartment complex I live in currently. Right now I'm living in a one bedroom here.
I decided it made more sense to rent my own place, because it gives me more control and flexibility over the roommate situation. I'm a little picky in where I live (not so much what the place looks like, but in things like there being more than one bathroom). Having lived in this complex and having seen the layout of their two bedroom units, I don't think I'll have any issue living here. Regardless of how the roommate thing goes, I can still continue to live here. I like having that stability.
Right after I move in, I plan to post a roommate ad on my workplace's intranet (private) forum Classified section. I feel lucky that my workplace has a forum like that. I'm going to feel much more comfortable fielding responses from that than a public ad. Fingers-crossed that I can find someone through that forum. A few months ago, somebody I sort-of work with posted an ad for a house-mate, and I responded to it- but the timing didn't work out because I couldn't move in quickly enough. She now lives with her boyfriend at his place and doesn't have any immediate plans to move. There is an outside chance she could end up moving into my place although it's not likely.
Even though I hope I don't have to go this route, I've been browsing ads on roommate-seeking websites. On one of these sites you have to register to see complete ads, so I signed up and wrote up my own ad thinking what the hey. I don't know what kind of responses I'll get and if that will go anywhere.
I'm not sure what to initially look for in a prospective roommate, personality wise. The friendly, personable types are more approachable and might be able to draw me out of my shell. However, I worry that I would be too quiet for them. I hate the idea that my non-chattiness would be a disappointment to them they'd regret their decision to move in. I also worry that they might be too loud or have too many people over. If someone is a quiet, no-nonsense type I'd be less worried that I need to be their friend, but on the other hand they might be less approachable. Ideally, my roommate would be friendly and approachable, but not too loud, and would be equally fine if we talked every day or rarely at all.
I'm sure talking a lot about having a roommate, but I still don't know if it's going to happen. I hope I do get one in the next few months and it doesn't end up being a disaster.
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Post by Zoe on Feb 9, 2014 5:20:18 GMT -5
Good luck and all the best with your roommate search Marle. It's nice that you didn't have to move too far.
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Post by marle on Feb 25, 2014 12:55:13 GMT -5
It's been 5 years since I've had alcohol. When I quit, at the time I didn't mark down the date. I didn't want to measure my success in terms of how long I had gone without a drink. I didn't want to take it one week or even one day at a time. I wanted a permanent sense of total removal of drinking from my life. Time was irrelevant.
So I don't know exactly when I'll hit the 5 year mark, I just know it's around this time. I don't have an issue now recognizing how long it's been. I don't need to apply mind games on myself to keep from drinking. I see no danger of relapse at this point.
My addiction was mostly psychological. I don't know if there was a physical component to it. Moderation was, and I'm sure remains impossible for me. It's always been a wonder to me how other people do it. It's why I hope I never try marijuana, as that drug is becoming increasingly more legal. Altered states of conscious is just too tempting for me, if I get a taste of it. A near single-mindedness takes hold. I can spend an hour looking for my parents' car keys because there's an outside chance my dad left a bottle of wine in the trunk. Because that's the last place you think of after rummaging through the entire house.
The negative effects on me were mainly health. At my worst, I would drink about 4 days a week (only because I needed a day in-between to recover. I never understood the "hair of the dog" people would talk about that keeps them drinking on a hangover). I binge drank. I simply drank until I fell asleep (or pass out? It's hard to tell). That would be anywhere from 7-10 drinks, depending on how quickly I drank them. I always drank home, alone.
Drinking played a role in my dropping out of college. I couldn't make many of my morning classes. That nightmare people have where they walk into class and find there's an exam they completely forgot about and are completely unprepared for started to happen. I withdrew from many classes and found out I hit a limit which prevented me from registering the next year. I don't think alcohol was the only reason but it seemed to play a major role. I did eventually finish college later on, but it caused me to have a late start to my career.
After graduating and at the start of my career, I was still drinking way too much. I must have learned to manage it better because it wasn't keeping me from going to work. I still binge drank. I knew it was way too much. It was causing me to have a greater sense of my own mortality. Would I live past 40? I was also feeling more hopeless about the prospect of quitting. I had made about 5 or 6 serious attempts by that time. I always went back to drinking after a few weeks or months. What reason did I have to think that would change?
What changed? It's still somewhat of a mystery. I had an online friend. We rarely communicated with each other at that point but I still cared about her. I was feeling at my rope's end about quitting. I then had an idea. I knew I cared for this friend. I would make a personal promise to her to quit. If I started drinking again, it would in some way feel like a betrayal of her. She might also feel somewhat hurt or disappointed that I made a promise to her I couldn't keep (she might not care, but there was a chance). I knew I would never do anything to hurt her. It was at that moment that I could see myself quitting. I never did make a promise to her, because I had never heard back from her since our last sporadic messages to each other and I didn't want to bother her (I'm glad that I never had to bother her with this).
I still held on to the idea that if she ever sent a message back to me, I would mention this promise in my reply. After some time this was obviously never going to happen, but it had been so long since I quit and I had never forgotten the sense of resoluteness and encouragement I felt at the time I made my "end of the rope" decision. This time felt different than all the other times I tried to quit. Permanent refrain from alcohol no longer felt daunting. It was simply a given.
I don't know if it was the idea of a promise to my friend, or if I had just finally finally (finally, finally, finally, ...etc.) had enough. But it did happen, and I had plenty of reason to think that I wouldn't get this far. About a year ago I had a physical, and other than a BMI that's a little over what it should be, my labwork came back with excellent numbers, including perfect numbers for my liver.
5 years, and I have no reason to go back.
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Post by Karen on Feb 25, 2014 13:58:46 GMT -5
This post was so powerful Marle. Thank you for sharing this part of your life with us. I'm so impressed and happy that you found the will and strength you needed to quit drinking. For so many people, that never happens, and they end up ruining not just their own lives and health, but the lives of everyone they care about as well. You're the success story, and you should be proud of that.
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Post by Scotty on Feb 25, 2014 14:05:40 GMT -5
That's awesome Marle! Like Karen said, you should be proud of yourself...I'm certainly proud of you.
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