Uncertain actions

[jenkydora]

If you read my I dont fit in thread this is in relation to it.

In is increasingly obvious that I have a new friend, but he is a guy. Being the suspicious person I have been a good deal of my life , I am wondering what his reasons for having me as a friend are.

I'm joyfully married but really miss having a pal, they are hard to come by, coupled with trust issues. I do get along better with males,
and this might be because they are not in competition with me and ready to be bitchy or spiteful, but also there is the doubt they only want to be friend me cause I'm female and other motives.

Can a guy really just want a plutonic friend in a female. I've never had a woman try this hard to be my friend. Is it because I am more relaxed and myself, cause I know they will be more forgiving and less critical because of the opposite gender thing. I am in unknown ground here, and dont want to hurt my husband in anyway
but it is really nice to have someone to talk to.

Any male care to give me the red flags to look for that I am aware of the dead set obvious ones but am clueless about the sinister sneaky ones.

[missklew]

Well you are right to be suspicious. I have never had any male try really hard to be "just a friend" ever.

Read all the post on these shy forums from guys who befriend women and they are really hoping for more but pretend to want to be just friends.

Men really aren't interested in just friends further than acquaintance at work and occasional emails.

[redribbon]

Hi, I can't speak as a man but I think it really depends on the type of man he is. Don't like to generalise but maybe he relates to you on a more sensitive side? I know how you feel. I'm a real tomboy at heart and always find myself more comfortable around men than (most) women.
I have a good friend at work who is male. He's a real softie and I joke he's one of the girls because he relates to feminine things. I think he has a soft spot for me but just because a man (or woman) enjoys your company, doesn't mean they're after one thing.
Don't ruin a potentially good friendship by being suspicious, just be yourself and if you have to, make it clear that's how it is. If he's worth it he'll understand.
Don't worry!

[strawberrysweetie]

Soooooooooo....is it a bad sign that no male has responded to this thread???

May 22, 2011 22:10:19 GMT -5 jenkydora said:

Can a guy really just want a plutonic friend in a female. I've never had a woman try this hard to be my friend. Is it because I am more relaxed and myself, cause I know they will be more forgiving and less critical because of the opposite gender thing. I am in unknown ground here, and dont want to hurt my husband in anyway
but it is really nice to have someone to talk to.

Any male care to give me the red flags to look for that I am aware of the dead set obvious ones but am clueless about the sinister sneaky ones.

I've wondered the same thing really. If men and women can ever be "just friends." I think women can be for sure. I know that I can easily be friends with a guy and think nothing more of him ever than just a friend. A lot of women are this way.

But men? I've listened to a radio show a lot...and something that was brought up was "the ladder theory." A dreadful, horrible theory...but I have a feeling there's truth to it. For someone who's never heard of it...basically, women are said to have two "ladders"....one's the ladder which consists of the men she'd consider dating, the most desired being at the top of the ladder. The 2nd ladder consists of men she considers "just friends." There's also a little part of this theory which says that if a man tries to jump from the "just friends" ladder to the other (by showing interest)...he's likely to get completely dismissed.

And men are said to have just one ladder. All women are on the ladder, so all women are basically considered, with the most desired being near the top...and the least desired being at the bottom.

This sort of goes along with that thing in the movie "When Harry Met Sally"...where the guy says men and women can never be just friends.

Also, that radio show I listen to....they have a panel of men on there, and they are asked to speak on a variety of topics. I'm pretty sure there was one time where they were talking about this with the panel and the men kind of agreed with it.

And in terms of biology, I think it does make some sense.

But I'd like to think there are exceptions to this. I've known a guy in real life that seems close to some girls...yet is only on a friendship basis with them and seems okay with it.

Even if it is true, this ladder theory....I think it just comes down to intentions. Values and morals all play a role, too. We're beyond just pure animal instinct (hopefully ). And I think as long as the intentions are good (that there's no intention on his part of pursuing a married woman)...then it should be okay.

Of course, there's no way to read someone's mind. So who knows. Everyone's different, and you can't necessarily generalize. This is where trust comes in.

Also, what matters greatly...are YOUR intentions. If all you want is a friend, then that's all that's going to happen. Period. Nothing more has to come of it, even if you find out somewhere along the way that he was interested in more with you. As long as you make it clear you are satisfied in your relationship and aren't seeking anything more than friendships, then there should be no wrong. You have power in how the friendship develops.

I feel I should also say, though...if you are actually attracted to this man...and fear strong feelings could develop on your end...and fear something happening with this person somewhere down the road, if he does indeed have those intentions and makes them known.....I'd advise you to not even bother with him, then. No point in adding a potential danger to your marriage.

I'd highly recommend you tell your husband of your interest in friendships, though (if you haven't already). And make sure he's comfortable with you seeing male friends. If you've got nothing to hide, it should be easy to be completely open with him. If you're keeping it secret for some reason...and he later finds out you've been meeting up with some guy....then I can see why he'd wonder and be "hurt."

If this "friend" of yours turns out getting hurt because he was really wanting something else all along....well, there's nothing that can be done really. Just make your intentions absolutely clear, steer clear of being flirtatious or leading him on in any way, and it's not your fault.


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I am really curious, though...of responses from actual guys on this matter. Honest responses.

Because I'm wondering...if this "ladder theory" is accurate....would you prefer only getting to know females with whom you'd have an actual chance with? If a female KNOWS she only wants friendship with a guy...with knowledge of the ladder theory....should she even bother getting to know other males as friends? Or would that still seem like 'leading someone on,' from man's perspective?

Maybe I should have just created my own thread. oops

I just find this kind of fascinating. And at the same time absolutely depressing. I mean, really...why should all of this be so hard and complicated? I wish everyone could just be child-like forever, innocent and carefree forever.

[missklew]

What a really good post.

I think it is true. Women can see a guy as just a friend. On the women ladder all men exist.

Guys usually only talk to women they think they have a chance with. On the guys ladder are women they consider doable otherwise notice they don't exist at all.

I have worked in a male dominated career most of my life so it seem that way. No guy at the office would ask you to lunch or do something unless he was kind of interested.

I don't think women understand this because they are seeing it from their perspective.

This only place I worked there was a junior engineer who was really beautiful like a model and she would have hoards of men coming over to talk "business" with her all the time.

Hmm then there was a senior engineer who was older and very overweight and she ran a lot of things but men weren't over there flocked around their desk to chat "business". they would go over only when necessary and for a minute or two.

This one guy seemed to stop by her desk 5 or 6 times a day. One time after he left I said to her, he really likes you. She said oh he is just being friendly. I said no he isn't, he likes you. She seemed so puzzled by that. She said you really think he likes me? I said yes, why would he stop by 5 or 6 times a day. Then she was sort of grossed out and said she didn't like him like that and then avoided him.

Then when the model girl went to lunch, the older engineer came over to me and said, she acts like she doesn't know these guys want her. She is just lapping up the attention and she knows.

[Stranger]

Jun 22, 2011 20:26:31 GMT -5 @strawberrysweetie said:

Soooooooooo....is it a bad sign that no male has responded to this thread???

Woohoo, first guy post! ;D

Honestly, I find this kind of discussion kinda strange. Maybe I just don't hang out with the same crowds, but I know plenty of guys and girls who socialize with both men and women with with whom they have (to the best of my knowledge) absolutely no romantic intentions. I find it weird that anyone would seriously suspect that guys - even most guys - are incapable of just being friends with a girl.

Sure I've known people who are a little obsessed with getting laid or whatever, but they've been definitely the exception rather than the rule.

May 23, 2011 4:51:56 GMT -5 missklew said:

Well you are right to be suspicious. I have never had any male try really hard to be "just a friend" ever.

"Try really hard" no. But people don't usually "try really hard" to be friends - they hang out if they have fun together. Perhaps I'm missing some background to this thread, but I didn't see anything about jenkydora's friend trying really hard to be her friend.

May 22, 2011 22:10:19 GMT -5 jenkydora said:

Any male care to give me the red flags to look for that I am aware of the dead set obvious ones but am clueless about the sinister sneaky ones.

I don't really know, but I guess all I'd say is that if you're connecting well as friends, then there's nothing sinister about him wanting to hang out more, or talk to you more than other people. Just make it clear that you're happy in your marriage, and he'd be an idiot to stick it out if he has ulterior motives.

[strawberrysweetie]

Jun 23, 2011 0:21:28 GMT -5 Stranger said:

Jun 22, 2011 20:26:31 GMT -5 @strawberrysweetie said:

Soooooooooo....is it a bad sign that no male has responded to this thread???

Woohoo, first guy post! ;D

...and probably only...haha. Thanks for giving a response

Jun 23, 2011 0:21:28 GMT -5 Stranger said:

Honestly, I find this kind of discussion kinda strange. Maybe I just don't hang out with the same crowds, but I know plenty of guys and girls who socialize with both men and women with with whom they have (to the best of my knowledge) absolutely no romantic intentions. I find it weird that anyone would seriously suspect that guys - even most guys - are incapable of just being friends with a girl.

Sure I've known people who are a little obsessed with getting laid or whatever, but they've been definitely the exception rather than the rule.

Yeah, men and women can socialize alright without actual romantic involvement. The idea of monogamy wouldn't even exist if we couldn't. But I think this is more aside from actual intentions or actions. Certain thoughts may still exist in mind whether acted upon or not.

I suppose the idea is more that, to men (in this case, assume straight men)...women are ALWAYS sexualized. So even if maybe a man doesn't think he's all that attracted to a female or doesn't feel all that strongly for her.......with this theory, it's more like....all it takes is to be put under the right circumstances, and a guy would probably "be with" (using this as a substitution for an alternate phrase ) virtually any female.

Women, on the other hand, can sometimes completely be void of sexual feelings for a man. So I guess the question is....can men ever truly be the same way...have complete absence of sexual feelings for a nonrelated and close female "friend"? Again, actual intentions/actions aside.

I think it's less of an issue for people who are already in satisfying relationships. If the man in question is either single or unsatisfied in his own relationship, then maybe he is actually looking for that something else. Who knows.

All that said, though....I've just recalled one of "The Bachelor" episodes from the last season (please don't judge me for watching this lame show; I hate myself enough for getting back into watching lately! ) ...and this guy *twice* got rid of girls after one-on-one dates, because he didn't feel the connection...he said they were more like friends hanging out and that even though they were in a romantic place, he didn't ever think of leaning over to kiss either one. I was pretty shocked to hear him say that, actually.

I suppose it also comes down to how men present themselves/how men are portrayed in the media, too. Generally speaking, it's common belief that that's all that is on a man's mind.

I don't know. Some people you can trust, others you can't. I guess there's really no way to know for sure until you get to know him better, depending on if you decide that it's worth giving the friendship a shot or not.

[lostmyself]

I agree with Stranger, I'm surprised that people think men and women can't just be friends. I'm like you jenkydora, most of the friends that I've ever made have been male and that's all they've been, friends.

I've heard so many women complain about men and how they're only after one thing, etc. but most of the guys I've known have been sensitive and honest and not like that at all and I just think these people hang out with the wrong guys.

As long as you're honest with both your husband and your friend about the relationship then that's all you can do.