Post by anticrank on Aug 24, 2011 16:57:22 GMT -5
Couldn't help but get this out my system, I would like to make a few points about common advice for shy and socially awkward people that pervades and would like to talk about how some advice can be damaging to self-esteem. I also wonder why the bad advice seems to be so popular.
Firstly; a lot of the advice out there seems to be based on the premise that you need to be 'fixed' that you're not good enough, that you're somehow a lesser person because you're shy. Some advice even goes so far as to imply that if you're shy you're unlovable! Does this ring a bell, do you get my drift? I totally disagree with this and think that such ideas are very damaging to self-esteem, no matter how well-meaning. I personally think that learning self-acceptance is the main thing and being amongst people that accept you as you are.
Secondly; so much advice seems to be geared towards focusing on performance, impressing ppl, making the 'right' impression, showing the right body language, not showing any sign of shyness or awkwardness or else you'll be percieved as boring, unattractive etc. I think that advice along such lines is also damaging. It encourages self-consciousness. The reason why a lot of shy people feel awkward is partially due to the fear of how they'll be percieved, or to pressure to make the 'right' impression or to impress. Some people may worry that they'll be percieved as boring, anti-social or what have you, yet so much advice out there has absolutely no empathy towards this and some can easily amplify one's fears. It's absolutely astonishing yet it's not rocket science. The last thing you do if you're shy is shift the focus to performances. 'oh am I giving the right body language', 'have I given the right impression', 'did I say the right things', 'am I saying enough' etc. Whooa! Too much pressure! Advice that makes you feel like that simply isn't going to make you feel relaxed and isn't going to help you in social situations is it? As an example, how's about the belief in first impressions. The reality is that many people meet on the wrong foot, may not have the best of first impression, yet it CAN change over time. Yet most popular advice will NEVER tell you that. Most advice will put PRESSURE to impress on the first impression. Act in a certain way, be a certain way etc. Now, this problem doesn't just affect shy people, A lot of young people feel pressure to be a certain way, feel that they're not allowed to be themselves etc. I bet this sounds familiar.
As for body language, I think it happens naturally when you're feeling RELAXED. This happens after one pushes out one's comfort zone and dispells some of the fears and feelings of inferiority and reduces the pressure to be something one is not. Also, I think the people you meet can also have an impact. Some people we feel naturally more approachable than others, some people we feel a more natural rapport to be with than others etc. Advice that tells you to focus on your performance of how you come accross (or else people will think x,y,z) will only increase your self-consciousness and worried. For me, some such advice has made the difficulties of shyness even worse. Can anyone relate to what I mean? Also, I don't quite understand why there is so much bad advice out there. Why could it be, Are there too many arrogant pricks who think they know everything, who haven't experienced what some of us have been through, yet who think they have the right to preach down what HEY think is right, though not necessarily right for us?
Firstly; a lot of the advice out there seems to be based on the premise that you need to be 'fixed' that you're not good enough, that you're somehow a lesser person because you're shy. Some advice even goes so far as to imply that if you're shy you're unlovable! Does this ring a bell, do you get my drift? I totally disagree with this and think that such ideas are very damaging to self-esteem, no matter how well-meaning. I personally think that learning self-acceptance is the main thing and being amongst people that accept you as you are.
Secondly; so much advice seems to be geared towards focusing on performance, impressing ppl, making the 'right' impression, showing the right body language, not showing any sign of shyness or awkwardness or else you'll be percieved as boring, unattractive etc. I think that advice along such lines is also damaging. It encourages self-consciousness. The reason why a lot of shy people feel awkward is partially due to the fear of how they'll be percieved, or to pressure to make the 'right' impression or to impress. Some people may worry that they'll be percieved as boring, anti-social or what have you, yet so much advice out there has absolutely no empathy towards this and some can easily amplify one's fears. It's absolutely astonishing yet it's not rocket science. The last thing you do if you're shy is shift the focus to performances. 'oh am I giving the right body language', 'have I given the right impression', 'did I say the right things', 'am I saying enough' etc. Whooa! Too much pressure! Advice that makes you feel like that simply isn't going to make you feel relaxed and isn't going to help you in social situations is it? As an example, how's about the belief in first impressions. The reality is that many people meet on the wrong foot, may not have the best of first impression, yet it CAN change over time. Yet most popular advice will NEVER tell you that. Most advice will put PRESSURE to impress on the first impression. Act in a certain way, be a certain way etc. Now, this problem doesn't just affect shy people, A lot of young people feel pressure to be a certain way, feel that they're not allowed to be themselves etc. I bet this sounds familiar.
As for body language, I think it happens naturally when you're feeling RELAXED. This happens after one pushes out one's comfort zone and dispells some of the fears and feelings of inferiority and reduces the pressure to be something one is not. Also, I think the people you meet can also have an impact. Some people we feel naturally more approachable than others, some people we feel a more natural rapport to be with than others etc. Advice that tells you to focus on your performance of how you come accross (or else people will think x,y,z) will only increase your self-consciousness and worried. For me, some such advice has made the difficulties of shyness even worse. Can anyone relate to what I mean? Also, I don't quite understand why there is so much bad advice out there. Why could it be, Are there too many arrogant pricks who think they know everything, who haven't experienced what some of us have been through, yet who think they have the right to preach down what HEY think is right, though not necessarily right for us?