Post by anticrank on Jan 5, 2012 14:05:38 GMT -5
One thing that I have noticed on here and from many shy people I've known is that they tend to blame themselves. In many cases, it's not the shy person's fault.
I think that there is an unwritten rule that has come about recently that says everyone else is in the right, you're in the wrong, you need to be fixed because you're shy. For example, if you get ignored for sounding too quiet, you're made to feel that it's YOUR FAULT, and that the other person's lack of civility doesn't come into the equation. In other words, you're taught to blame yourself, instead of stepping back to see the bigger picture.
It seems that every older person I've asked this question to; "has society become less tolerant of nervousness than when you were younger" always answers with a resounding 'yes'.
A lot of advice I come across seems to try to justify other people's shallowness. I think that what has happened in western society is that they've tried to make behaviors that were formerly unacceptable, acceptable. Part of it, is that we are not taught to respect one-another's feelings. We are taught to be competitive in a dog-eat-dog kind of way. We are taught how to be better than someone else. We are made to feel that we lack something in some way. It's OK to be hyper-critical and nasty to your 'friends', it's OK to be manipulative to get your way. People are not taught how to be good friends nor how to be genuinely civil. I think in some ways, people are made to feel that such things are a sign of weakness, and that by being genuinely nice will get you exploited. That's a pretty fucked up dysfunctional mess of a society if you ask me.
The irony is that the social rules have been complicated beyond all comprehension. There is more to it than that of course. There are so many stupid, arbitrary rules to follow. It's all about being 'cool', having the right 'image'. Sadly, the tolerance for what is 'cool' is very narrow. In a way, you're not really 'allowed' to 'be yourself'. Does anyone know what I mean? Just look around at how people try to dress the same. Look at how many young women there are who feel they can't go out unless they have makeup on. See what I mean. It's sad, it's terrible and it's not healthy. Exactly the same pressure effects us all. The pressure to conform is immense.
As for shy people, I get the impression that there's an unwritten rule, an albeit dysfunctional one; "It's OK to completely write someone off on a first impression yet it's 110% YOUR FAULT if you get ignored/rejected whatever"? Also there's another unwritten rule "They have right to be mean to you if you come across as 'geeky'". On that note, do any of you ever find a lot of your peers unnatural to talk to, do you feel as if you're being judged or evaluated? As if you can't be yourself?
I recently saw a program where English teenagers went to spend some time with an Amish family. The Amish of course have a very traditional way of life and are in no way into the materialism, consumerism, stereotyping etc. The Amish young people seem so laid-back compared to typical western young people, and considerably happier too. In their community there was none of that shit of feeling you're not good enough. One thing that set them apart, was that they seemed to be more self-accepting. They seemed, I don't know, more balanced. I get the impression that those unwritten rules don't apply in their community, well, at least to the same extent. It just illustrates how bad shallow, narcissistic western society is for us and our relationships.
The UK and the USA are apparently the worst places to grow up in the developed world. There was a study done back in 2007. A while ago I looked at the paper on-line. One of the measures was in personal relationships and family relationships between young people. One thing I particularly remember was that young people in these two countries tend to trust their peers far less than in many other countries. Well, there is far more to the social problems in western society than what I've tried to illustrate here, since this only touches the tip of the iceberg.
What puzzles me is that the rife incivility is just accepted. A lot of shy people seem to automatically think that they have something wrong with them and that they need to be 'fixed'. Why is there so much advice out there that tries to get you to adjust yourself to cater for intolerant, non-open cretins? Yet you'll NEVER see or hear any advice on how to be kinder, more easy-going, less judgmental, how to take people as you find them, how to meet people half-way and be generally more laid-back do you? How come no-one ever speaks against the unwritten rule 'it's OK to totally write someone off on a first impression yet it's 110% YOUR FAULT if you don't to not impress?'
If you're finding yourself being ignored, or lumped into a stupid pigeon-hole, please don't make the mistake of thinking that it's entirely your fault. The truth is a lot of people are terrified of being judged negatively. The more you can rise above it, and not put other (extroverted) people in a superior position to yourself, as society tries to condition you to do, the more confident you'll feel. Paradoxical but true, it's helped me a lot, it probably won't happen overnight (though in practice nothing does), but's it's definitely worth it, it definitely helps you hold true to yourself.
Oh, on one final note, due to the social dynamics I've just discussed here; I think this explains why people feel they need to drink vast quantities of alcohol on nights out and at parties, and why binge drinking is a big problem in the UK and in colleges in the USA. It would be great to hear some thoughts on this.
I think that there is an unwritten rule that has come about recently that says everyone else is in the right, you're in the wrong, you need to be fixed because you're shy. For example, if you get ignored for sounding too quiet, you're made to feel that it's YOUR FAULT, and that the other person's lack of civility doesn't come into the equation. In other words, you're taught to blame yourself, instead of stepping back to see the bigger picture.
It seems that every older person I've asked this question to; "has society become less tolerant of nervousness than when you were younger" always answers with a resounding 'yes'.
A lot of advice I come across seems to try to justify other people's shallowness. I think that what has happened in western society is that they've tried to make behaviors that were formerly unacceptable, acceptable. Part of it, is that we are not taught to respect one-another's feelings. We are taught to be competitive in a dog-eat-dog kind of way. We are taught how to be better than someone else. We are made to feel that we lack something in some way. It's OK to be hyper-critical and nasty to your 'friends', it's OK to be manipulative to get your way. People are not taught how to be good friends nor how to be genuinely civil. I think in some ways, people are made to feel that such things are a sign of weakness, and that by being genuinely nice will get you exploited. That's a pretty fucked up dysfunctional mess of a society if you ask me.
The irony is that the social rules have been complicated beyond all comprehension. There is more to it than that of course. There are so many stupid, arbitrary rules to follow. It's all about being 'cool', having the right 'image'. Sadly, the tolerance for what is 'cool' is very narrow. In a way, you're not really 'allowed' to 'be yourself'. Does anyone know what I mean? Just look around at how people try to dress the same. Look at how many young women there are who feel they can't go out unless they have makeup on. See what I mean. It's sad, it's terrible and it's not healthy. Exactly the same pressure effects us all. The pressure to conform is immense.
As for shy people, I get the impression that there's an unwritten rule, an albeit dysfunctional one; "It's OK to completely write someone off on a first impression yet it's 110% YOUR FAULT if you get ignored/rejected whatever"? Also there's another unwritten rule "They have right to be mean to you if you come across as 'geeky'". On that note, do any of you ever find a lot of your peers unnatural to talk to, do you feel as if you're being judged or evaluated? As if you can't be yourself?
I recently saw a program where English teenagers went to spend some time with an Amish family. The Amish of course have a very traditional way of life and are in no way into the materialism, consumerism, stereotyping etc. The Amish young people seem so laid-back compared to typical western young people, and considerably happier too. In their community there was none of that shit of feeling you're not good enough. One thing that set them apart, was that they seemed to be more self-accepting. They seemed, I don't know, more balanced. I get the impression that those unwritten rules don't apply in their community, well, at least to the same extent. It just illustrates how bad shallow, narcissistic western society is for us and our relationships.
The UK and the USA are apparently the worst places to grow up in the developed world. There was a study done back in 2007. A while ago I looked at the paper on-line. One of the measures was in personal relationships and family relationships between young people. One thing I particularly remember was that young people in these two countries tend to trust their peers far less than in many other countries. Well, there is far more to the social problems in western society than what I've tried to illustrate here, since this only touches the tip of the iceberg.
What puzzles me is that the rife incivility is just accepted. A lot of shy people seem to automatically think that they have something wrong with them and that they need to be 'fixed'. Why is there so much advice out there that tries to get you to adjust yourself to cater for intolerant, non-open cretins? Yet you'll NEVER see or hear any advice on how to be kinder, more easy-going, less judgmental, how to take people as you find them, how to meet people half-way and be generally more laid-back do you? How come no-one ever speaks against the unwritten rule 'it's OK to totally write someone off on a first impression yet it's 110% YOUR FAULT if you don't to not impress?'
If you're finding yourself being ignored, or lumped into a stupid pigeon-hole, please don't make the mistake of thinking that it's entirely your fault. The truth is a lot of people are terrified of being judged negatively. The more you can rise above it, and not put other (extroverted) people in a superior position to yourself, as society tries to condition you to do, the more confident you'll feel. Paradoxical but true, it's helped me a lot, it probably won't happen overnight (though in practice nothing does), but's it's definitely worth it, it definitely helps you hold true to yourself.
Oh, on one final note, due to the social dynamics I've just discussed here; I think this explains why people feel they need to drink vast quantities of alcohol on nights out and at parties, and why binge drinking is a big problem in the UK and in colleges in the USA. It would be great to hear some thoughts on this.
Befriend the trees...they are good listeners. ;D
