Post by anticrank on Mar 13, 2012 19:49:05 GMT -5
If you're shy, you've probably been told or implied that you need to 'overcome' it or 'fix' it, or not show it. Guys on here have probably been told that it's a turnoff to women. Many of you on here are probably aware that seeing your shyness is a negative light like that will make it worse. I think that it's high-time a different way of managing it came about.
How many of you have been in a social situation, feeling reasonably comfortable, breaking into a rapport with people when all of a sudden, somebody brings up your quietness and puts you on the spotlight about it? Suddenly, your whole interaction feels ruined and you instantly feel uncomfortable. Sound familiar?
I believe that an approach based on acceptance is the way forward as opposed to the conventional approach. What I hope to do here is, as on previous posts, help some of you view your shyness in a different light.
Guys, ever tried talking to a new girl, or a girl whom you find attractive after reading stuff that says 'don't be shy or they'll think you're boring, aloof, cold,', or 'act this, act that, don't come across as this etc.'. I imagine that such thoughts on the back of your head would make the aformentioned situation even more awkward than it has to be. You really don't need it.
The irony is, as with insomnia, when you let go of trying to control it, it subsides. It's only when you're under that pressure to impress that the wrong impression you fear making could be a self-fulfilling prophecy. That's why I'm not too keen on advice about trying to directly control your body language, since that happens naturally. I think focusing on body language is bad, because it shifts the emphasis to your performance and makes you self-conscious of how you're coming across. I think that when the anxiety that leads to nervous body language is reduced, that'll follow naturally. The anxiety can stem from a lot of things including uncertainties about what to say, the people you're talking to being out of your comfort zone, fears as to how you will be percieved, the list goes on and I'll try to talk in detail at a later date about some of these things.
Many of you reading this probably feel fine in certain situations. You probably do have many likeable qualities in which you are recognised. Think about how you are around people you feel really comfortable around. That's the personality you want to come out. I think that's a much more positive way of looking at it.
Unfortunately, a lot of stuff you get told only tries to amplify the fears and anxieties you feel.
How many of you have been in a social situation, feeling reasonably comfortable, breaking into a rapport with people when all of a sudden, somebody brings up your quietness and puts you on the spotlight about it? Suddenly, your whole interaction feels ruined and you instantly feel uncomfortable. Sound familiar?
I believe that an approach based on acceptance is the way forward as opposed to the conventional approach. What I hope to do here is, as on previous posts, help some of you view your shyness in a different light.
Guys, ever tried talking to a new girl, or a girl whom you find attractive after reading stuff that says 'don't be shy or they'll think you're boring, aloof, cold,', or 'act this, act that, don't come across as this etc.'. I imagine that such thoughts on the back of your head would make the aformentioned situation even more awkward than it has to be. You really don't need it.
The irony is, as with insomnia, when you let go of trying to control it, it subsides. It's only when you're under that pressure to impress that the wrong impression you fear making could be a self-fulfilling prophecy. That's why I'm not too keen on advice about trying to directly control your body language, since that happens naturally. I think focusing on body language is bad, because it shifts the emphasis to your performance and makes you self-conscious of how you're coming across. I think that when the anxiety that leads to nervous body language is reduced, that'll follow naturally. The anxiety can stem from a lot of things including uncertainties about what to say, the people you're talking to being out of your comfort zone, fears as to how you will be percieved, the list goes on and I'll try to talk in detail at a later date about some of these things.
Many of you reading this probably feel fine in certain situations. You probably do have many likeable qualities in which you are recognised. Think about how you are around people you feel really comfortable around. That's the personality you want to come out. I think that's a much more positive way of looking at it.
Unfortunately, a lot of stuff you get told only tries to amplify the fears and anxieties you feel.
