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Post by joseph on Jul 31, 2012 18:03:43 GMT -5
Hi people,
I don't even know if this is the right section to reply, but here we go anyway. So I'm 20, pretty much a young-adult. But I have a very serious problem: I'm extremly shy. To the point that I don't feel confortable talking with anyone about any subject, except stuff I feel confortable about, such as music or books.
When it comes to normal day conversations, however, I never know what to say and I'm always nervious about what the other person is thinking about my interactions. I can't relax. These kind of conversations about the weather, or about "how are you doing, long time no see!" are always painful to me.
Do you think there's something I can do to overcome these fears and blocks?
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Post by marle on Aug 3, 2012 17:17:42 GMT -5
Hi Joseph- This is definitely the right section to post. A lot of people, like me, don't have a good answer to your question and wish we did.  I haven't figured out any "mind tricks" myself for being comfortable with conversation. For me, it's largely situational and chemical (like serotonin levels). These kind of conversations about the weather, or about "how are you doing, long time no see!" are always painful to me. Me too. Those are the kinds of things people say when they just want to socialize. It feels like a social formality, so it lacks a kind of genuineness. I wouldn't say that there's anything wrong with that, but it can make some people (me) feel less relaxed. I guess I just don't know how to be simultaneously relaxed enough to come up with things to say and also worry about/tailor my message for the people I'm talking to. |
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Post by joseph on Aug 5, 2012 18:36:03 GMT -5
Thanks for taking the time to reply, marle.
Yeah, I guess we pretty much have the same problem. When people start with that sort of "social" conversation, we just become so nervious we can't stop and think about topics to speak about.
I really wish there was some sort of "mind trick" or "mental strategy" to stop us from being so uptight in this kind of situation... And it can be so depressing for us, when we feel we can't even talk to people or know how to do it... sigh.
Sometimes I try and think to myself "you're alright. there's no reason to be so nervious, just relax and be yourself. Besides, if things go wrong, it can't be all because of me. He/she's also to blame for this". But I always think I don't have enough confidence to actually believe this.
At least, when I'm under the effects of alchool, I speak with anyone with no sort of problem, including what that person is thinking. I just wish I could do the same when I'm sober.
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Post by marle on Aug 5, 2012 20:27:21 GMT -5
Sometimes I try and think to myself " you're alright. there's no reason to be so nervious, just relax and be yourself. Besides, if things go wrong, it can't be all because of me. He/she's also to blame for this". But I always think I don't have enough confidence to actually believe this. At least, when I'm under the effects of alchool, I speak with anyone with no sort of problem, including what that person is thinking. I just wish I could do the same when I'm sober. That's why I think it's a biochemical thing more than anything. I believe rational thinking only goes so far. A large part of social interaction is emotional. Of course it's a very complex thing and it will be different for everyone - I hear some people say they get better at it with practice. But for me, it's like lifting mountains to be 20% as good as everyone else. There were years in my life where I abused alcohol. I no longer drink, no exceptions, because I believe it would ruin my life. I always drank alone so I never really experienced what it was like to converse with people while under the influence, except online. I sometimes regret that, but then I realize drunk people can do/say really stupid things, so at least I avoided that. I also wonder if I just think differently than other people. Maybe I have a foggy brain or just am not that verbal (in addition to social anxiety). I find it easier to talk about things I feel really engaged by, though. I have lots of thoughts about the experience of being shy, obviously.  |
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Post by joseph on Aug 6, 2012 7:51:06 GMT -5
That's why I think it's a biochemical thing more than anything. I believe rational thinking only goes so far. A large part of social interaction is emotional. Of course it's a very complex thing and it will be different for everyone - I hear some people say they get better at it with practice. But for me, it's like lifting mountains to be 20% as good as everyone else. Could you explain me a bit more in detail that "biochemical" thing? To be honest, I was never much into science nor psychology...  Oh well, I honestly (i.e. naively?) believe that practice makes perfect. The thing is, when it comes to overcoming our shyness in this kind of situation, we need the "self-trust" that we don't have. And, if we fail (if the conversation goes wrong), we end up losing all our faith and self-trust, like if it was nothing but a house of cards... I think I understand what you meant afterwards. It also takes me a huge, huge effort to speak to people in this kind of situation, and it always looks as if my effort is never hard enough, no matter how hard I try. Even when I consciously try harder, I still realize I'm the person who's speaking the least in a group. But I just want to keep on trying... There were years in my life where I abused alcohol. I no longer drink, no exceptions, because I believe it would ruin my life. I always drank alone so I never really experienced what it was like to converse with people while under the influence, except online. I sometimes regret that, but then I realize drunk people can do/say really stupid things, so at least I avoided that. Yeah, being drunk definitely's not the way to go. But it showed me that it's possible for me to have social relations without any fears or nerviousness. And so, I'll keep on praticising and trying to ignore my fears, but while sober, and hope for the best. I've pretty much ditched alchool as well. I also wonder if I just think differently than other people. Maybe I have a foggy brain or just am not that verbal (in addition to social anxiety). I find it easier to talk about things I feel really engaged by, though. I have lots of thoughts about the experience of being shy, obviously. I can realte again with what you're saying here. Yeah, if the conversation is about something I'm very fond of, I'll speak a lot. When it comes to anything else, however, I never know what to say and I always feel very tense. I guess I'm also not that verbal. I only speak when I feel I really have to. I don't like to speak just for the sake of doing it, but sometimes I guess that's necessary in this kind of social situations... |
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Post by marle on Aug 7, 2012 17:43:59 GMT -5
That's why I think it's a biochemical thing more than anything. I believe rational thinking only goes so far. A large part of social interaction is emotional. Of course it's a very complex thing and it will be different for everyone - I hear some people say they get better at it with practice. But for me, it's like lifting mountains to be 20% as good as everyone else. Could you explain me a bit more in detail that "biochemical" thing? To be honest, I was never much into science nor psychology... I'm not too good with the details, but it seems that neurotransmitters like dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin play a role in sociability. They're chemical signals released in the brain that give you a feeling of well-being, decrease anxiety and make you feel more trusting of others. Of course it's not just the neurotransmitters on their own that make us feel the way we do. Our perceptions will influence how much of various neurotransmitters get released. However, in my experience, trying to convince myself to relax and be more socially engaged has only a small effect. The largest amount of control I have seems to be in placing myself in situations I wouldn't normally put myself in. Once I'm in a social situation, it seems to be more based in how I'm feeling. Whether it's a good idea to take drugs to address a deficiency in neurotransmitter production is another matter. Why we feel/act the way we do is obviously very complicated - drugs are a blunt and limited approach. I've posted in another thread how taking Paxil, which increases availability of serotonin, had negative consequences in other parts of my personality. I'm sure the severity of shyness/depression/anxiety has something to do with how much control through willpower you have over it. |
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Post by anticrank on Aug 27, 2012 13:04:57 GMT -5
To the OP What you are describing is fairly normal. I know only to well that feeling of being in a group and not knowing what to say. When that happens, what sort of thoughts go through your head? I know from experience that when you're in that situation, lots of self-conscious thoughts can creep up, as well as fears of being judged negatively. Did you ever read anywhere advice that says things to the effect of 'don't come accross as quiet', or 'people will think you're boring'. I am not a fan of advice like that since it raises self-consciousness and is often blown out of proportion. In reality, people are not as overly judgemental of your performance as you might think. OK, you might get the odd asshole that needs a scapegoat to prop-up his ego, but in the main, most people should be pretty understanding. Also, another thing you've said, when people say 'what's up', how's it going etc. that can put people on the spot. That's because these are closed questions, meaning they are difficult to answer to. Closed questions like this will always put more pressure on people than open questions, so don't feel bad about that. Another thing, you probably have more to contribute (I'm guessing) on subjects other than the ones you've mentioned but, when you're in the heat of the moment, self-consciousness and arousal can get in the way and can block your brain. Maybe, I know this may sound a bit cliché, you should find a group that has people with similar interests to you, who you'll have more to share. You never know, when you are around people who you have a lot to share, that can really help to shake off feelings of self-consciousness. Are there any sorts of groups or clubs, or social events that you can think of? You might benefit from checking out this link; www.succeedsocially.comCheck out the sections on shyness, it's very comprehensive, the author talks about every possible fear and insecurity you can possibly imaging. It might help you get a better perspective on your situation. |
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bary
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Post by bary on Sept 30, 2012 6:50:13 GMT -5
Hi people, I don't even know if this is the right section to reply, but here we go anyway. So I'm 20, pretty much a young-adult. But I have a very serious problem: I'm extremly shy. To the point that I don't feel confortable talking with anyone about any subject, except stuff I feel confortable about, such as music or books. When it comes to normal day conversations, however, I never know what to say and I'm always nervious about what the other person is thinking about my interactions. I can't relax. These kind of conversations about the weather, or about "how are you doing, long time no see!" are always painful to me. Do you think there's something I can do to overcome these fears and blocks? hello, i was exactly like you some months ago ; but i discovered a e-book that changed a bit my life, it gives you a great advices , it's paying but it worthi it , here is the link : 4a983yflcjfyind7noj79s0s7k.hop.clickbank.net/i hope you get rid of your shyness ! |
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Post by Shan-Chan on Dec 21, 2012 12:36:17 GMT -5
Hi there. Yeah I can understand the issue you are dealin' with. It's no fun - you feel like you are trapped in your thoughts and paying attention to them in a frantic manner, except what the person is saying. It can be helpful to smile at the person you talk to and nod if you feel that you have become too lost or uncomfortable. Another good thing I think would be to say "is that so?" (or something along those lines) when the person says something is waiting for you to say something. This kind of gives you a break to get you words together and what you want to say while they refrain alittle.
But since it might be too hard at the begining to feel completely chill when talking to someone (especially strangers) I would work on trying to refer to something funny (in the area or something shared with what you conversate about). I find that when I can make people laugh, the air loosens up and conversation seems to come alittle better. But don't criticize your self too much, because they do not know how you feel. This is something you have to practice. Everybody practices something. And this is something that people like you and me, and lots of people practice.
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Post by Stranger on Dec 26, 2012 4:21:14 GMT -5
I really wish there was some sort of "mind trick" or "mental strategy" to stop us from being so uptight in this kind of situation... And it can be so depressing for us, when we feel we can't even talk to people or know how to do it... sigh. I know this is a bit old now, but I saw this recently and sounds like it might be helpful. Not for impromptu social situations, but perhaps a useful trick when you have a few minutes to prepare. |
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Post by jwn57030 on Dec 26, 2012 12:51:07 GMT -5
I'll start with some things that I think have helped me and that perhaps you could try. My first idea is to actually start with something like political message boards or something else you don't feel comfortable talking about. Just start getting comfortable talking or debating about different subjects with people online first. Is slightly less intimidating and if your not even comfortable doing that it's something to help you get used to the idea of doing it in person. I used to get nervous of what total strangers might reply or say about my posts online.
If you are fine handling that then I might suggest a jump into trying acting. It helped me a lot and i have heard famous actors say they are more shy but the stage helps them open up. Another nice thing about acting is it allows you to say things that would not normally be socially acceptable but because your on stage and being a different person its ok to say it. It gives you the opportunity to talk about possibly more controversial things in a safe environment. Its also given me the opportunity to practice being someone who I would never be normally in public. If you have never done anything like this you might start working back stage just to get to know the people in the community theater or school theater. Also when you go to audition it will give you a leg up if they already know you. My first time on stage I was very frightened, but the experience helped me to get used to the idea of public speaking. Once you get used to the stage and smaller parts you can start doing bigger parts. Eventually you will start looking forward to performing in public. I find it too be an awesome adrenaline rush after I get off stage.
Another thing that I think I am going to try soon are improv classes. They offer them in my area and I hope they will help me think on my feet. I have the same problem you mentioned. I am great at conversations that I can plan for or expect, but the second it gets out of my comfort zone I get nervous and don't know what to say. Improv is about learning to think on your feet in order reply to someone else's thoughts and actions. I am hoping this skill will greatly help me with every day interactions. And again when your in an acting class it is a safe place to be able to experiment with interactions. Also when you get good at it builds self confidence which spills over into other areas of your life.
Now my thoughts on some of the other replies. I wouldn't recommend alcohol as a permanent solution, because the side affects of acting stupid when your drunk tend to outweigh the benefits of helping you too loosen up. I know this from experience. I have had a couple of rare experiences where it helped me open up and talk to some people, but I was also acting stupid at the same time. Later once I was sober I was able to talk to them more easily. Not sure why, maybe because once they had seen me drunk I really couldn't embarrass myself anymore when I was sober. Also if you want to pick up women, drunk does not impress them.
Lastly on the chemical/biological causes of shyness. I have 2 perspectives on this. I have a background in sociology. One interesting thing thing is that the first born child is almost always very outgoing. For instance, every US president has always been first born. The second born child is almost always more shy. One thought is that the first born child tends to get more attention from the parents because it is their first time going through being parents and obviously there's only one child to share attention with. Once they have the second child its not the same novelty as having the first child or its just harder to give the same amount of attention to the second child with 2 children. Either way the second child tends to get less social interaction from the parents early on. Its also interesting that if parents have 3 children the 3rd tends to be more outgoing as well. Not sure why that is. Possibbly by the 3rd parents are pros and know what there doing.
The second idea I have heard is genetic or chemical. The idea of the genetic trait is for self preservation or survival. When I think about things like sky diving or skiing off black diamond runs i get the same bad or nervous feeling as when I do something new or have to interact with new people or hot women. The idea is that bad feeling in our bodies helps to prevent us from doing dangerous things that other people have no problem doing. If you stay inside, and avoid social interactions you are much less likely to get in a fight in a bar, be hurt, or killed base jumping. The down side is that are bodies also tell us not to take risks where we should like, such as interacting with the opposite sex or same if your gay. For non shy people there bodies just give them the message of going after a person they want to have a relationship with. With me, my body gives me completely conflicting messages to be really attracted to someone, but at the same time avoid any risk that I would need to take to make it happen. I've have to train myself to ignore that feeling and go after women anyways.
I hope in my long rambling you found something helpful or interesting. Good luck with your problem. I also want to say that with age and practice it does get better.
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sara7
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Post by sara7 on Feb 2, 2013 3:30:38 GMT -5
I dont feel like Im neccessarily shy.... I just dont know what to say. When people are talking to me my thoughts are irrelevant. My mind goes blank from nerves. It's not like I'm holding back... I just don't have anything to respond with in a conversation. I get so awkward and my mind just goes all bleh and I dont know what to say or how to respond. So I force some kind of reply but then it just sounds like I'm reading out of a book or something. Nothing I say sounds geniune because my mind is preoccupied with nervousness. I know I know, there's nothing to be nervous about. I've told myself this plenty of times. When I'm by myself I come up with tons of great methods of confidence, but when it comes down to itmy mind goes blank. For an entire semester at my new school I sat next to this girl, and we occassionally had small talk. But that was it, all semester. Just small talk. It's like I kept up this barrier that kept anyone from personally connecting to me. When I try to tell them about myself, it still just sounds scripted. I've learnt some awesome solutions, but they just dont work.  |
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Post by marle on Feb 2, 2013 19:42:32 GMT -5
My problem is very similar to yours, Sara. I do relate to the "barrier" in that I feel very private about my thoughts. For myself, it's also a lot more than that. I feel completely out of my element when someone starts talking to me. It's like being put on the spot. I know I'm required to give some type of immediate answer or at least react to them and it must come across as polite without putting my foot in my mouth. It's too much pressure. It's been that way since I was little and it hasn't changed.
I have confidence that other people can change, though. Sometimes it takes practice and time.
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Post by missklew on Feb 3, 2013 2:40:42 GMT -5
I dont feel like Im neccessarily shy.... I just dont know what to say. When people are talking to me my thoughts are irrelevant. My mind goes blank from nerves. It's not like I'm holding back... I just don't have anything to respond with in a conversation. I get so awkward and my mind just goes all bleh and I dont know what to say or how to respond. So I force some kind of reply but then it just sounds like I'm reading out of a book or something. Nothing I say sounds geniune because my mind is preoccupied with nervousness. I know I know, there's nothing to be nervous about. I've told myself this plenty of times. When I'm by myself I come up with tons of great methods of confidence, but when it comes down to itmy mind goes blank. For an entire semester at my new school I sat next to this girl, and we occassionally had small talk. But that was it, all semester. Just small talk. It's like I kept up this barrier that kept anyone from personally connecting to me. When I try to tell them about myself, it still just sounds scripted. I've learnt some awesome solutions, but they just dont work. I find I do this too. I feel so many people just ramble on about nothing. To me I only want to say something relevant or important and not just ramble. My mind goes blank when I am asked to explain something. I know this is because of being constantly interrupted. The times I would start to say something maybe one sentence or 2 and some loud person butts right in cutting me off. Another thing is I don't follow the popular shows people talk about. I don't follow Americal Idol or Master Chef or the latest sport. I have no interest in those things. I have deliberately watched a bosses fav show just ot be able to talk about it. |
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Post by Audio the obscure on May 20, 2013 14:02:49 GMT -5
I dont feel like Im neccessarily shy.... I just dont know what to say. When people are talking to me my thoughts are irrelevant. My mind goes blank from nerves. It's not like I'm holding back... I just don't have anything to respond with in a conversation. I get so awkward and my mind just goes all bleh and I dont know what to say or how to respond. So I force some kind of reply but then it just sounds like I'm reading out of a book or something. Nothing I say sounds geniune because my mind is preoccupied with nervousness. I know I know, there's nothing to be nervous about. I've told myself this plenty of times. When I'm by myself I come up with tons of great methods of confidence, but when it comes down to itmy mind goes blank. For an entire semester at my new school I sat next to this girl, and we occassionally had small talk. But that was it, all semester. Just small talk. It's like I kept up this barrier that kept anyone from personally connecting to me. When I try to tell them about myself, it still just sounds scripted. I've learnt some awesome solutions, but they just dont work. I find I do this too. I feel so many people just ramble on about nothing. To me I only want to say something relevant or important and not just ramble. My mind goes blank when I am asked to explain something. I know this is because of being constantly interrupted. The times I would start to say something maybe one sentence or 2 and some loud person butts right in cutting me off. Another thing is I don't follow the popular shows people talk about. I don't follow Americal Idol or Master Chef or the latest sport. I have no interest in those things. I have deliberately watched a bosses fav show just ot be able to talk about it. Same here. My mind goes blank when I have to explain something. And I've had the experience of other people in my environment or around the city here, even when I was a child or teen - interrupt me or butt in when I wasn't finished what I was saying. Actually, I can relate to both posts. |
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I haven't figured out any "mind tricks" myself for being comfortable with conversation. For me, it's largely situational and chemical (like serotonin levels). 
