Making Friends at School/Work

[marle]

I have never made a friend at school, work or summer camp, except for one brief time in kindergarden. Is this unique to me, or has anyone else not made a friend in that setting?

I do mean friend in the loosest sense of the term: someone you would talk to or meet up with regularly. I have never experienced that, with someone I met at school or work. Seems like a very unfortunate thing, since that is where I spend most of my time.

Sometimes I wonder if I have to be trapped on a desert island with someone for me to develop a friendship with another person.

[jwn57030]

I have large times in my life where I have not made a friend at school or work, but I have seemed to at some point make friends. The biggest problem I have had is finding more friends once the friends I have made moved away.

In more than one instance I have made a good friend but then they moved away. After that it seems like i was not able to find another good friend at that job or school(when it happened in college. I am not sure why that is really. Possibbly I have not let myself be open to new people after I made those friends and left. I may have convinced myself that there were no other people that i could be friends with. Also at my age most other people my age are married and have kids so it is harder to find people that have time to hang out at work. I have made a loose friend at work since my really good friend at work left, but he is married so I only very rarely do things with him.

Thinking about it at work I tend to stay at my cubicle and don't eat in the break room a lot. Thats's soemthing I am trying to change so I run into more co-workers that I can talk too.

At some periods in my life I have almost felt trapped on a desert island because I was without friends and just went home everyday without anybody to really talk too. Sorry to hear that you have this issue. I know how that feels.

[missklew]

I never have made a friend at work to hang out with either.
It is all just the wrong types. Usually mostly males so that isn't a possibility. younger women either are into the party scene or baby scene. Older women have their husbands and kids to run places. No time for friends these days for many people.

[Sexy Spork #37]

I'm a bit different. I've never had a friend so I'm not used to having one, ergo I'm perfectly okay alone. I don't think I need a friend. I know it's hard and lonely without one, but it's made me better able to cope with things. Instead of talking to others for help with problems or just when I need a little chat, I've got my own brain. Very good conversationalist. You become logical and try to figure things out using reason and order. Life becomes a mathematical calculation. After 23 years, I've become used to it. It's normal.

Am I happy with this status quo is another question. I suppose it's like people who live in hot countries. They wear jumpers when it's 15 degrees but here in very cold England, we would walk around in T-shirts in that kind of weather. It's weird to us that those elsewhere would wear those jumpers. But to them, it's normal. It's a perfectly ordinary life. It's completely incomprehensible that they're wearing jumpers, but they are. Ergo, I'm happy.

Okay, that metaphor was better in my head...

Do you need a friend? I don't know. For me, logic dictates that it's highly illogical at this point in my life. Why affect the status quo? We always have what we need in life if you look hard enough.

Just look a bit harder and you'll find what you need.

[Stranger]

I don't imagine you're all that alone among people here.

I've never found friendmaking easy since being a small kid, and I think that was mostly because I was in a school with small classes, and we were kind of forced to spend time with each other every day. I was definitely much worse at it in high school (larger), and once out in university, the friends I had quickly drifted away.

These days I don't have friends in the way you describe with the exception of my girlfriend. Even though I get on pretty well with people at work, it never seems to leave work. I don't bemoan it much, though, since I tend to enjoy the time I spend by myself (or with my girl) more anyway.

[marle]

Thanks all for your responses.

Spork,

You've said before that you had a friend in primary school. Did you consider them to not really be a friend?

May 18, 2013 22:28:13 GMT -5 Stranger said:

I don't imagine you're all that alone among people here.

I agree, mostly - I imagine a fair number of people here have rarely made a friend in the school/workspace.

But, I still feel like my situation is extreme (I'm not saying I'm the only one in the world, but...). The unusualness of it does make me feel alone. It also make me wonder if I should ever try pursuing a friendship at work if that is my history. Wouldn't want to waste my efforts.

I think I need to have extreme trust in a person to be able to talk to them conversationally. Even that doesn't mean I'll be able to, but at this point that seems to be a prerequisite.

[Sexy Spork #37]

Really? I can't remember saying that. Mind you, I'm very forgetful. On Monday, I wore my Tuesday socks (that have Tuesday written on them) and I only realized when my baby nephew spit up on them. Needless to say, my biggest concern at the time wasn't the day being wrong...

I think one must define friend. I've had acquaintances down the years, but I wouldn't define any of them as friends. Saw them in school or college, but that was about it. It wasn't for a lack of tryin' on their part. They always asked me questions, asked me to various places the youth go nowadays, to parties and the like. Always said no. Never answered any of their questions. Generally didn't pay much attention to them. You have literally no idea how happy I was when they invented MP3 players. Someone screaming in your ears is surprisingly soothing on a Monday morning. The alternative being a 1000 question version of 20 questions.

I mean, "What's your favourite apple?" I don't like apples. Leave me be...

[Scotty]

As a kid and teen I sucked at making friends due to not being able to have conversations. During secondary school I did have one friend who I was lucky enough to have because he saw me sitting alone and decided to come talk to me. We would hang out at each others houses outside of school, but we drifted during the later years because he was popular and had a large group of friends which drowned me out. When we left for University we pretty much lost contact all together.

During my first few years in the states my only real friends were the ones I made at SU. I worked with some cool people, but we never hung outside of work. When I got the bookstore job however, it somehow become easier to make friends and find people who would want to go see a movie or go bowling or play pool. Most of those people have moved away but I still have a couple of friends that I go see movies with. All the new employees are a bit younger and are big on going out drinking and partying...not my scene, lol. I've never made any friends at my current college, mostly because I do classes online, or when I go to campus I keep to myself.

[Farouche]

I have made friends at school (although that statement requires an asterisk). I have not made friends at work. I’ll spare you the details, but suffice to say that I've always had trouble making friends as well as keeping them. I can imagine how a slight change of circumstance could have led to me having more and better friends or fewer friends to the point of none at all, like you’ve experienced, Marle. So even though your situation is “extreme” in a sense, in another sense I see it as just part of the normal variation in friend-having among socially awkward people. In other words, I don’t think you’re necessarily extremely different from people who have some friends but similar difficulties making them.

What you said about needing to be stranded on a desert island with someone in order to make friends… I’ve thought the same thing.  I think many of us are the type of people who simply require more upfront investment to become friends, and I think this sort of effort is a lot harder for most people to justify in modern times. A person meets SO many people in the course of everyday life, and focusing on just the ones they hit it off with right away yields a much quicker (and more reliable) return on investment, versus trying to draw the quiet person out of their shell. (Though occasionally you’ll get social butterflies with energy enough for everyone.) People move around so much (jobs, housing, social scene) that they can’t even count on seeing a quiet person for the length of time it gets to know them. So if people were forced to interact with me… lol, this sounds terrible in writing. But I think my friendship would be appreciated in that scenario. I guess we could always join the army..?

I don’t think it’s a wasted effort to pursue friendships just because you haven’t had friends in the past. The potential gains are greater than anything you’re likely to lose by trying, especially if you’re mainly thinking of striking up conversations (as opposed to inviting people to an event or something high-pressure like that). It does hurt when you think the interactions are going well, and suddenly you get clear signals that the person really would rather not talk to you. But once you reach the point in life where you’re completely aware that friends are not magic and don’t “just happen” because you exist (I thought for a long time that I would just naturally start accruing all kinds of friends at some point)… Well, I think it’s actually less painful to keep rolling the dice than to continue not trying when you know exactly how effective not trying is likely to be.

[marle]

Jun 18, 2013 1:16:57 GMT -5 Farouche said:

I have made friends at school (although that statement requires an asterisk). I have not made friends at work. I’ll spare you the details, but suffice to say that I've always had trouble making friends as well as keeping them. I can imagine how a slight change of circumstance could have led to me having more and better friends or fewer friends to the point of none at all, like you’ve experienced, Marle. So even though your situation is “extreme” in a sense, in another sense I see it as just part of the normal variation in friend-having among socially awkward people. In other words, I don’t think you’re necessarily extremely different from people who have some friends but similar difficulties making them.

I see what you're saying, Farouche in comparing the individual experiences. I just look at self-identified "very shy" people as a whole, and I see having zero friends since a very young age to be extremely rare. I hope I really am delusional in thinking I'm "special" because of it. I hope I'm just being full of myself. I don't want to feel this isolated.

What you said about needing to be stranded on a desert island with someone in order to make friends… I’ve thought the same thing.  I think many of us are the type of people who simply require more upfront investment to become friends, and I think this sort of effort is a lot harder for most people to justify in modern times. A person meets SO many people in the course of everyday life, and focusing on just the ones they hit it off with right away yields a much quicker (and more reliable) return on investment, versus trying to draw the quiet person out of their shell. (Though occasionally you’ll get social butterflies with energy enough for everyone.) People move around so much (jobs, housing, social scene) that they can’t even count on seeing a quiet person for the length of time it gets to know them. So if people were forced to interact with me… lol, this sounds terrible in writing. But I think my friendship would be appreciated in that scenario. I guess we could always join the army..?

I definitely know I'm not suited for the army, but I've wondered about ways to place myself in a situation that "forces" bonding (besides the silly desert island scenario). I wonder what jobs require you to work closely with one other person (because I'm better one-on-one as opposed to groups).

I don’t think it’s a wasted effort to pursue friendships just because you haven’t had friends in the past. The potential gains are greater than anything you’re likely to lose by trying, especially if you’re mainly thinking of striking up conversations (as opposed to inviting people to an event or something high-pressure like that). It does hurt when you think the interactions are going well, and suddenly you get clear signals that the person really would rather not talk to you. But once you reach the point in life where you’re completely aware that friends are not magic and don’t “just happen” because you exist (I thought for a long time that I would just naturally start accruing all kinds of friends at some point)… Well, I think it’s actually less painful to keep rolling the dice than to continue not trying when you know exactly how effective not trying is likely to be.

I think the danger in unsuccessfully pursuing friendships is within a person's psychology. If the unsuccessful outcomes are humiliating and consistent enough, that will produce negative associations in ones mind and discourage that person even more. That doesn't have to happen necessarily, but I think one has to be psychologically ready to pursue it and go into it with a strategy, as well as strong motivation.

What worries me is I almost never have the desire to strike up a conversation with someone (who isn't family, and even w/ family I don't do it often). The thought or the impulse to strike up a conversation doesn't even occur to me. And "small talk" conversation feels completely alien to me. I also have a lack of interests. And even with my interests I have a difficult time coming up with much to say, expressing myself well, and recalling details.

This sounds a little harsh, but these days I see myself as almost zombie-like: I seem to have little personality or passion in life.

[Astroruss]

It was always difficult for me to make friends at work and school, precisely because I was so different in background and temperament than the others. Over time, however, I made lots of friends. By this mean it took me a year or two. I'm very clumsy and uncomfortable in talking to strangers, especially at social or work parties, and worst with women. My natural anxiety comes to the surface, and I often went home feeling embarrassed and frustrated with myself. And ineviatably I retreat to my books or computer.

Sadly, my problems still persist and have not gotten any better.

[marle]

This is only loosely related to the topic, but I used to find myself intrigued by my teachers, starting in high school. I think that's because I knew more about them then my classmates due to my introversion. The way I saw it, you're basically watching a one-woman/man show every weekday for nearly an hour, of someone talking on a subject they're often passionate about. It was also interesting seeing what made them lose their cool in terms of rude student behavior and whatnot. Did/does anyone else have this tendency to have interest in their instructors (I don't mean romantically, but that too I guess)?

[Sexy Spork #37]

Many of my teachers were dudes. When I was in school, they were just starting to turn the tables. It was all about the student. Presentations, essays, what we think, discussions. We rarely got a lecture. The only lecture we ever got was from our only history teacher. Elvis, as we called him. Looked identical. Talked like him too.

The teachers didn't tend to match what they were taught. My English teacher looked like he should teach PE. My maths teacher looked like a bouncer. My biology teacher  who taught us sex-ed, was like, 65 at the time. Easily a geologist, but somehow ended up a biologist. It was a weird school.

As I say, I was taught mainly by men. In primary school, there were no male teachers. I still visit that school now and again and there's one male teacher there, now. I think the male teachers in secondary school has something to do with the 'horny-male-teen syndrome'. I think it's deliberate.

I can only recall being taught by three female teachers. Cooking, science, and art. Even the textiles teacher was a man who knew simply nothing. My art teacher was a hippy, basically. In her 50s. I didn't find her attractive. I can't really remember the cooking teacher, so meh, I don't know what to say there. And the science teacher? Ooh, she was pretty. Only 21 at the time. I was 15. Employing her was cruel.

I do recall a female substitute teacher, but it didn't end well for her. She lost control of the class and some boys locked her in the cupboard. Jeez, did she ever get out? Oh. Hope she did. They just pulled my school down.

My teachers were cool, though, but for me, school was about the experience rather than the teachers. There was a clear divide. You don't know them, they don't know you.