Diary

[silence]

Hello

I have been wanting to do this for a long time. I really need somewhere to try and organise my thoughts otherwise I feel like I'll never make any progress.

Background.

I've been shy for as long as I can remember. When I was younger I had a very dominate friend who I always hid behind so it wasn't a big issue. But as we grew apart I was left alone and realised I had no social/life skills. I think I was 17 when I first started looking up shy sites and trying to find help. I had the most miserable university experience, I was never really academic enough and I just wasted my time away sitting alone in my room.
After university I did a number of temp jobs and some casual waitressing/chambermaiding it wasn't too bad at first. I gain some good office experience but never found anything permanent. Although I was offered a job but turned it down in a moment of fear which is a big regret, I was temping there at the time so I wouldn't have had to go for an interview etc, it would have been a perfect start, and the people there even liked me. I think the longest time I worked was six weeks. Then I had a few bad experiences and lost my confidence.
Fast forward through years of sadness, failed interviews and unemployment to now. In March this year I was given a job opportunity by a friend, she recommended me it was through an agency contract job so no interview. I've been there ever since. Which means this is the longest time I've ever been in employment. I do like the job and the people there but I am forever scared they'll notice how incompetent I am and fire me.
Which brings me to the part where they've decided to make our jobs permanent. But we will be competing with each other and the general public and I'm kind of scared I won't be kept on. I don't think I'll ever find a better place to work and I'll go back to how I was.
Another thing I've done recently is buy a car I passed my test in 2008 but haven't driven since. I'm going to start going out and practising soon. It would be really great to have as at the moment I'm taking two buses into work and I'm coming home exhausted because of the extra travel time. But I have such bad anxiety when driving I'm worried I'll do something stupid!
On the whole I've achieved a lot this year. But somehow all of this is making me feel more unhappy. Before I was unhappy but I felt like I was asleep the whole time so I never fully grasped my situation. Now I realise what a mess I made of my life. I'll never have enough more to move out or be financially stable. Compared to most of my colleagues (some of which are younger than me) I'm miles behind it just makes me feel so bad. If I'd have taken the job earlier I would be in a much better place now, I might even be able to look forward to finding a place to live.
But even if I had I'm not sure I'd be happy every time I think if I could just have this I'll be happy and it never happens.
I'm really wasting my existence. That's why I want to start being more proactive and instead of coming home and just falling asleep I want to do more things and improve myself. I have more financial means now (although I'm scared of spending it because I really need something for the future).
Of course if I don't get the job I'll go back to my old self and none of this will matter. But I want to try.
Think I'll end this here for now. I'll hopefully post more soon or just as I think of it. I'm hoping in some way typing this all out will lead me to a great revaluation and I'll finally be able to be happy

PS Forever grateful this place is still here

[silence]

So I had a vague memory of posting a New Year resolution list here last time I was active and I thought I would go back and check see how well I was doing and maybe even make a new one (even though the year is over halfway finished)

The scary thing is I swore I wrote this at the beginning of this year but it was start of 2012 and I didn't really write that much. Time goes too fast...

1. Do some exercise! I've always been skinny naturally but I've never been healthy. I think the reason I weight as little as I do is because I have no muscle, which is a problem as I have no strength/stamina. The weight I have goes to my stomach and face. Unfortunately as I have a big head anyway, got a bit of a bit of a bobble headed thing going on. I think it would make a look older as well with a less chubby face. I would love a flat stomach and some cheekbones haha. I think my goals are tone up, gain muscle and become more flexible. I plan on doing lifts, sit ups, the kind of things I don't need to leave the house for :-) I am limited by space and lack of money so I'll improvise with household objects. Running and such is not possible as my left leg is messed up. I do plan on doing research into the best ways to do this. Around 10 years ago I started doing arm lifts (with a textbook!) and about 40 sit ups a day, it was great I was able to touch my toes for the first time. So if I had the motivation back then I can do it again now!
2. Become more active online. Because if I can't be confident on the internet. I have no hope doing it irl.
3. Job. But I don't really want to talk about that.
4. Start playing the keyboard again. Starting with relearning how to read music.
5. Add more things to this list. I've run out of steam right now.

1. Well I do exercise more I walk more as I'm not staying in bed all day. I can definitely fell a slight improvement in flexibility especially in my legs they don't feel as tight any more. I think I have gained muscle too. However I have put on a lot of weight in my stomach I don't think I've ever been this "round" my stomach protrudes a lot if I don't hold it in. I still need to work on this!

2. Constituently failing at this one but it's why I'm here. But one thing is as I'm working I don't have as much time for this one.

3. Who knew this one would work out. I still on a contract with the possibility of another couple of years there if they take me on. Don't think it will ever be permanent though. 

4. Not even close to starting again

5. I intend to do that in this diary      

Need more goals and ambitions. Things that will just keep me sane and help me to enjoy life more. Turn myself into a better more reliable person. 

[Outcast]

Pardon the intrusion. I would just like to say. Personally, i find having a diary or journal really helps you learn more about yourself. It helps give you a clearer perspective and focus on the things you really want and the things you want to change in your life like goals and ambitions. It's also a great way to express yourself and just let it all out. It's hard at first but if you keep on doing it and eventually make it a habit. I think you'll find yourself enjoying it too. It's definitely worth it.

[silence]

Sept 16, 2013 11:42:37 GMT -5 Outcast said:

Pardon the intrusion. I would just like to say. Personally, i find having a diary or journal really helps you learn more about yourself. It helps give you a clearer perspective and focus on the things you really want and the things you want to change in your life like goals and ambitions. It's also a great way to express yourself and just let it all out. It's hard at first but if you keep on doing it and eventually make it a habit. I think you'll find yourself enjoying it too. It's definitely worth it.

haha thanks for intruding I don't mind at all. That's exactly what I wanted to achieve with this. I just disappeared for a while because I've been really stressed driving and trying to apply for my job.

Neither of which is going well.   

[Outcast]

I apologize for my long absence as well. Sometimes i'm just easily distracted and my thoughts wander.

As for your problem, i don't know what to say but just try to relax more while driving. I usually find it relaxing listening to classical music while i drive. As to job applications, just keep on trying i guess. The more jobs you apply for, the more chances you have of getting one. Well that's how my sister got her job at least.

[speechless]

Thanks for the reply Outcast!

oh those long absences

Well updates I got the job on a year contact now no longer a contract worker! Very good news. One problem is after I go back I will be changing sections and I'm not sure how that will go, I was comfortable where I was and now I've got to start again.

The driving hasn't really improved I'm still only using the car for work I haven't driven anywhere else so I still don't feel like a good driver.

One thing that has really changed with me is I'm starting to think that being with someone isn't a bad idea. Before I thought living with someone or having a relationship would be the worst thing. But now I want it. Of course now I have the problem of being repulsive and unable to function around other people. But I would really like someone by my side for support and shared experiences.

I've tried improving my appearance to feel more confidence but no matter how many clothes I buy of how many haircuts I have I still feel like a mess.

I am keen to start exercising again I'm trying for my 40 sit ups a day and some weights. If I can find a local exercise class I'll give it a go although the idea terrifies me.

I guess this year for me has been really good a job and car were things I was starting to think I would never get. I could see myself hitting 30 and still never having done anything. My achievements are just so small and slow compared to everyone else. I find it frustrating.

Anyone one want to date me?

[speechless]

oh I forgot one thing I have done in the name of self improvement is go to the dentist! I hadn't been for over 10 years so I was kind of nervous. Luckily I was told there wasn't too many problems I needed two small fillings (which I've had now), a clean with the hygienist and my wisdom teeth out eep. I have a consultant with the hospital soon about that. I do feel a lot better now I've gone and now I know I haven't completely destroyed my teeth.

[speechless]

oh and lol at me using the wrong account :/

[silence]

better

[silence]

It has definitely been a while but I wanted to do an update now

I can't really remember where I left off so here goes...

The good news is I'm still working a few months ago they offered permanent jobs and obviously all of us on a contract went for it, unfortunately none of us got it. They decided to hire all new people for the positions we've been doing for a year. Thankfully we have had our contracts extended until March so that's something.

I've been exercising a bit more I downloaded a DVD which I stuck with for at least a month XD. I admit I have stopped but I will try and have a go again. One big step forward is I'm now going to a local Pilates class the majority of people there are older ladies but that is more my comfort area, they are very friendly still probably won't make any friends. I do wish it was a bit more of a workout though it has increased my flexibility and I can almost touch my toes

Appearance wise I'm still trying to find some confidence. I have started having my eyebrows threaded every three weeks which is expensive and painful but they really need it. The lady who does it says I have the thickest eyebrows hairs she's ever seen and they keep breaking the thread

Honestly I kind of wish I had more to update about as it has been six months or so but that is it for now

[silence]

So lately I've been trying to pick things up again and keep active. Here's some incoherent thoughts I'd like to write down

Every week I swear I'm going to get back into exercising. I'm going to try and do some today!

I've had an idea to film a video which I'll try as soon as I get sometime to myself and if I can manage to talk for that long.

My SSD arrived last week and I've had fun installing it. It has made a really big difference to my computer I still have some problems to iron out including one problem where my computer doesn't shut down...I'll look into that today as well

Last week I applied for a permanent job in one of the offices next to where I work now. I don't want it or expect to get it. It's just I did the same thing I always do and left the application until the last minute and I wish I could stop doing that. I might get an interview though which is going to kill me

One thing on my to do list is sorting out my music collection. I have a lot of music on my computer (winamp tells me 143 days worth) and most of it I haven't really listen to and it's badly tagged. So I've been wanting to go through it sort it and maybe discover something new

and I have about three episodes of Dr Who to catch up on

[Strawberry]

It's cool to hear updates from you.

Just out of curiosity, exercise-wise, do you ever run? I'm thinking I need to sign up for some event in the near future, to keep myself motivated. I've liked some Pilates discs I've had...good on you for attending an actual class!

Also...good luck with the potential job.

[silence]

hey Strawberry

Nice to have a guest here

No I don't run I have some problems with my left leg my knee is weak and other things. I'm hoping that doing some lower impact exercises will strengthen it a bit more. I feel like running would be my end goal!

Thanks however I found out a few days ago I didn't even get an interview! I felt really bad about it at first but then I realised a few other people I work with also didn't get it so I feel better now. I would have liked to get an interview though just for the experience.

[silence]

so I just felt the need to write things

I finally had a haircut! I ended up going to a new place and it was one of those fancy trendy hair salon that I feel out of place in. But it wasn't too bad, I also had a man cut my hair for the first time he was nice and didn't talk to me too much I had a lot of the extra weight of my hair cut off so it's a bit more manageable now, it doesn't look too different and is still kind of unimpressive but I've given up on the idea of ever having amazing hair. It is my aim to grow my hair out I've never had long hair and I feel it might be a good look for me.

One small thing I've been doing lately (strangely also related to hair) is going through my vast collection of shampoos and conditions. I bought a lot of different hair products in the past in the hope they would make me look good, but about halfway through using them I would realise they didn't work and then go and buy something else. I also fall for all of the buy two get one free offers in Boots so I would buy one shampoo and two conditioners each time. This ended up with me littering the bathroom with half empty bottles of products. But now as I've given up trying to find something amazing (see above) I've started going through each one and actually finishing them. I'm sure this wouldn't be a big deal to most people as they would probably just throw them away but I was taught by my mum never to waste anything. I'm not as bad as she is though as throughout this whole exercises as I've been putting the empty bottles into the bin, I've been finding them back on the shelf the next day upside down and filled with water, because apparently you can always squeeze a little bit more out of the bottom...and then she's the one that complains about all the clutter. Anyway when I look at the empty shelf I feel slightly accomplished like I'm actually doing something.

I'll try and write some more soon about the exciting things I get up to...

[puppet]

What would you like your hair to look like? I wonder what "amazing hair" would be. ^^