My Brain Doesn't Work That Way...

[tomodachi]

So here's my problem. I can't have a normal conversation. I have to think about everything I want to say before I say it(including what I'm typing right now), to make sure that I'm coming across the right way and that I'm saying the right things and that I won't sound stupid, and sometimes just stumbling over what words to say to communicate what I'm thinking. It takes me so long to put together a sentence that by the time I'm ready to say something, the people in the conversation are already into a different topic.

Not to mention the rare moments that I do think of something to say quickly enough, but I don't know if it's the right thing to say, for example if I'm trying to answer a question from a professor, and then someone else gives the exact answer I thought of and it was correct. You would think I would feel confident to answer the next time, but then the times I do answer, I get every question wrong. It's only the ones I don't answer verbally that I can answer correctly, somehow. (But that's a different subject for a different thread...)

And that's when I actually have something to say. The rest of the time I can't even come up with anything to add to the conversation. Normally my brain races through thoughts and connections like a bullet train, to the point of annoyance and inability to quiet my mind, but the instant I start trying to engage in conversation is the instant that my brain hits the brakes. Crickets. Nothing going on up there. It's like trying to slog through knee-deep wet sand. People ask me what I'm thinking about and I say "Nothing." and it's not because I don't want to talk, it's because I literally can't think about anything when I'm around people.

The worst part is that I feel like an extrovert mind in an introvert brain, if that makes sense. It's like the software wasn't built for the hardware. I desperately want to talk to people and have closer relationships than just casual acquaintances. I want to be able to tell people about what I'm thinking and feeling, instead of feeling like I'm carrying everything on my own shoulders, alone. But it feels like I have a built-in barrier that keeps my brain from working that way. It feels like there's a wall between me and the rest of the world.

People have tried to tell me I'm just shy and need to try to talk more instead of pushing people away, but at the risk of sounding like an angsty teenager, I'm going to say that those people don't understand what I'm dealing with, here. I would be more than happy to try to talk more. Just tell me how to make my brain generate relevant things to say spur of the moment and I'll get right on that. It's not a lack of willingness to speak, it's a lack of literally anything to speak about.

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Sorry for the length of this post. TL;DNR version: I struggle to talk to people and it's because my brain stops generating intelligent thoughts when I try to talk, not because I'm afraid of people.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

[Scotty]

You are certainly not alone with those experiences. I always felt like I never had anything to say, and if I'm in a group of people that I don't know well it still happens. I will have nothing to add, so I just listen and will try to contribute when I can.

There are two things that I find makes it easier for me to talk to people. One is to find people you are comfortable with or are at least used to being around. This may or course be difficult in certain situations like work or school, but when you do find some friends/ coworkers/ students that you get along with, conversation will start to flow more naturally. Also since most likely you'll have something in common to talk about, it'll be easier to find ways to start and maintain conversations with them and learn to show them who you really are.

The second is practice. The more time you attempt being social, or at least interacting with people, the easier it will become. Of course this will differ for each person depending on the level of shyness/ social anxiety. But it's just like anything else in life, when you put time and effort into it, you will see results. It's also important to try and not focus on the mistakes or set backs. negativity is your enemy. Learn from the mistakes and don't let them make you afraid to make future attempts.

When you say you have trouble thinking of things to talk about, do you mean like small talk and popular subjects like movies, music, politics, sports etc? Or do you just have too much trouble conveying your thoughts?

[StarFall]

You are not alone in this. Whenever I am thinking, and not talking, there are lots of topics going through my brain. But when someone I don't know well tries to talk to me my mind goes blank and it feels like a struggle just to remember what words are. And I also feel like there is an extroverted part of me that wants out but the introverted part is far stronger and usually takes over.

Scotty has some good suggestions. I've followed some of that same advice and found it has helped me. Of course it often depends on my mood, who I'm with, who is within hearing distance, etc.

I hope you can find a way that works for you!

[marle]

Unfortunately, I understand this all too well. My brain also "doesn't work that way." My mind is blank in conversational situations. However, I am not an "extrovert waiting to come out" but just an introvert. I am a shy introvert with very little to say, at least at the spur of the moment. It's like there is an incredibly thick wall separating the social part of my brain from the rest of my thoughts. I somewhat wish I could say that my brain "races through thoughts" though. I think my brain is a little slower than that. I have what you call General Intelligence and have a good IQ score, but in so many ways I feel 'slow.'

[glassbox]

For me, it wasn't always that I couldn't think of anything to say. If I wasn't in a strictly listening frame of mind, which happens often when you're a wall flower, I would have many thoughts on the conversation at hand. The only problem was that no one was patient enough to hear them out. I think a lot, and therefor have a lot to say, too much in the opinion of most extroverts. It also didn't help that I translated thoughts into words at the speed of writing, not the speed of talking. Essentially, I was/am too slow for most conversations, if I have something to say.

I've come a long way by regularly being in situations where I have to talk, but don't always have to be the one thinking of what to say. For instance, as a server, the conversation is centered around the food. You have a more or less scripted conversation to stick to. People will try to make conversation otherwise, but you have a built-in excuse for not sticking around to keep the conversation going beyond a polite response. It exposes you to people and small talk without forcing you to engage beyond a certain level if you don't want to. It was awful at first, and I'm still not the best server on the floor, but it gets better, and helps a lot in other social situations.

Also, learning to manage the quick pace of the restaurant translated well into learning how to manage the pace of a conversation without getting lost. I'm not saying that you should necessarily become a server. It's hell for a shy person. I only did it because I am a college dropout with few skills and I needed a pay raise. What I'm saying is that putting yourself into a controlled conversation over and over can help improve your social prowess all around without dropping you right in the middle of one of your worst nightmares.

[mollymalone]

I am someone who obsesses over word choice. I always thought it was related to my love of language and reading and writing. I have a tendency to think deeply about the words I want to use, spoken or written. With writing it's not a problem and usually ends up creating a better end product. In social situations, however, it can be more of a hindrance than a help. One thing the I find myself doing a lot of when I'm talking to people is trying to make connections, and focus my thoughts (and then words) on those connections. For example, "that reminds me of a time when..." or something like that. Also, a lot of times I think conversations can be seen as variations on a theme. The co-worker that tells a story about someone who cut them off in traffic is really telling a story about someone being in too much of a hurry, or being insensitive. So maybe if you listen to what they are saying and try to relate it to something else, that will help. These aren't things that I do consciously, but like I said, I notice myself doing them a lot, so maybe it's something that can be done purposely to help move the conversation along. Also, I think it's important to remember that you're allowed to say as much or as little as you like when talking to someone as long as they feel like you hear them and value what they are saying. Plus I'm a firm believer that one positive interaction will lead to another as your confidence builds. I certainly don't have the magic answer, but maybe just a few things to think about.