|
|
Post by ura on Jan 1, 2018 10:31:19 GMT -5
Hi outcast Reading the thread seems you've known her a long time now. From my perspective I've been so uncomfortable in the past whenever anyone's brought me anything so I can't imagine expecting it or putting pressure on someone to spend money on me when in fact I'd do the complete opposite. From what you've said it doesn't sound like you're dating and even if you were I'd say you'd have to be in a pretty serious relationship to get to the point of expensive gifts. Maybe you could try doing something together that doesn't involve spending money or going to the shops and see how it goes if she isn't interested it might be time to take a step back and only see each other if you have to or try meting her around other people and see if she acts differently. But I do understand not wanting to let things go when you feel you don't have anywhere else to go. Excellent advice. I wouldn't like that to be quite honest and that would make me hesitant to want to spend money on them. |
|
|
|
Post by Outcast on Jan 6, 2018 0:24:15 GMT -5
Sorry for taking so long to reply. I had prepared a reply a few days ago but i wanted to review it a bit more before posting it. But then i kept pushing it back and back.
Ok. So yeah. I think anyone wouldn't take it that well either Ura. If people ignored them like that. I guess i was trying to be understanding then? Maybe she was busy or something. I must have forgotten all about it when i was thinking of what gift i could give her for Christmas. Well, i told you guys i can be a complete idiot when it comes to dealing with people or relationships. That often times i am not sure of what to do and what i'm doing is the right thing to do. So thanks for the feedback and helping me rethink about what i might be doing wrong.
For now, i want to try and scale things down (like how much money i spend on her) like what you guys have suggested. Then see how it goes. I'm not really sure. But maybe i am also at fault as to why she would think of asking me to buy those watches for her. Like maybe treating her out to lunch when it was my birthday or during holidays like Christmas. But sometimes i'd let her treat me to lunch when it was her birthday. So at least sometimes i'd let her pay. Sometimes she would ask to go to a different place and sometimes i would answer "sure, lets try to go there." But when it's a far away place, i would say that i'm not too keen on going to those places. There was also a time that she mentioned that there was this concert she wanted to attend to. I guess she was hinting that we should go and watch it. But i wasn't really a fan of the artist and i wasn't really sure i'd go that far in the relationship when i still have my doubts whether i like this girl enough to go there. So yeah. I think because of my indecisiveness, i may have been making her expect something more?
I was always terrible when it comes to decision making, always afraid of making a mistake. And most of the time relying on others to decide for me what i should do. Maybe that's also why my life is like it is. I'm usually just going with the flow of things and not making any real plans or goals for myself. Mostly content on depending on others. Avoiding big decisions whenever one comes or arises.
I'm not sure, but i think she'll keep on expecting me to buy her that watch if i continue to see her/meet with her? I think i'm already taking a step back as i'm meeting her only twice or 3 times a year. She's usually busy anyway with her shop and all. Do you think i should talk to her about it? Personally i'd feel awkward about asking since i'm really not doing much.
Ok. That's it for now. Can't think of anything else to say at the moment.
Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts.
|
|
|
|
Post by Strawberry on Jan 29, 2018 23:48:36 GMT -5
But there's also an outside factor at work too. My mom knows the girl, and wants me to settle for the girl and get married?! (as i'm not getting any younger.) She visits the girl's shop a few times. And recently, i think my mom talked to the girl and hinted her desire for us to settle down?! My mom really wanted to talk to the girl's mom and set things up. And i told my mom not to do that as i am still not sure and i feel that we're really not that close enough to get to that point of a relationship. (I do hate that about my mom where she often forces me to do this or do that. Drive me here and drive me there. Sometimes i can be a real pushover but i also have my limits.) lol...oh man, a meddling mom. :S I'm sure your mom just wants you to be happy. And often people think it'll help if someone just 'settles down.' Or maybe she fancies the idea of grandchildren...whatever the case, try not to let her influence you. You've gotta do what's right for you. Personally, I don't like the girl's approach. It's odd to me you only meet up 2 to 3 times a year, yet buy gifts for each other (unless you guys had been long-time, close friends). I'm curious as to what her social life/relationship history is. Again... 2 to 3 times a year, and ignoring your texts is pretty standoffish. Also, movies happen every day of the week (most places) -- being "too busy" with the shop seems like an excuse. If she really wanted to, I'm sure she could find some time to hang out more than 2 to 3 times a year and also find some time to respond back to texts. Unless she lives with family and her family is super controlling. I agree with the points ura had mentioned (in the post he said he may be too cynical and biased). I think...personally...you should try and look elsewhere for a girlfriend. I wouldn't expect it from her. And it doesn't sound to me you even want to date her. You could find someone else, but you'll have to put the effort into it. If finding a girlfriend is what you want. And most importantly -- YOU ARE WAY TOO HARD on yourself! Trust me, you are. I think a lot of us struggle with a lot of the same issues and it can be hard to see from a different perspective when you've felt a certain way about yourself for so long.... However, I can see that you are way too hard on yourself. Please don't think you're "doing everything wrong." Honestly, I've come to find a lot of people seem awkward -- and I really feel like most people struggle with doubts about what they are doing in life and where they are going. People in relationships even -- there are plenty that are in relationships that are unhappy. It may seem like everyone else has it together, but honestly, it would appear to me that most everyone is struggling -- just perhaps in different ways, and maybe not as apparent. |
|
|
|
Post by Outcast on Feb 3, 2018 0:05:25 GMT -5
lol...oh man, a meddling mom. :S I'm sure your mom just wants you to be happy. And often people think it'll help if someone just 'settles down.' Or maybe she fancies the idea of grandchildren...whatever the case, try not to let her influence you. You've gotta do what's right for you. Personally, I don't like the girl's approach. It's odd to me you only meet up 2 to 3 times a year, yet buy gifts for each other (unless you guys had been long-time, close friends). I'm curious as to what her social life/relationship history is. Again... 2 to 3 times a year, and ignoring your texts is pretty standoffish. Also, movies happen every day of the week (most places) -- being "too busy" with the shop seems like an excuse. If she really wanted to, I'm sure she could find some time to hang out more than 2 to 3 times a year and also find some time to respond back to texts. Unless she lives with family and her family is super controlling. I agree with the points ura had mentioned (in the post he said he may be too cynical and biased). I think...personally...you should try and look elsewhere for a girlfriend. I wouldn't expect it from her. And it doesn't sound to me you even want to date her. You could find someone else, but you'll have to put the effort into it. If finding a girlfriend is what you want. And most importantly -- YOU ARE WAY TOO HARD on yourself! Trust me, you are. I think a lot of us struggle with a lot of the same issues and it can be hard to see from a different perspective when you've felt a certain way about yourself for so long.... However, I can see that you are way too hard on yourself. Please don't think you're "doing everything wrong." Honestly, I've come to find a lot of people seem awkward -- and I really feel like most people struggle with doubts about what they are doing in life and where they are going. People in relationships even -- there are plenty that are in relationships that are unhappy. It may seem like everyone else has it together, but honestly, it would appear to me that most everyone is struggling -- just perhaps in different ways, and maybe not as apparent. Yeah. I know my mom is just worried about me being all alone in this world. But what can i really do if that is just my luck. I've talked to her about it. How i don't really feel that i like the girl that much and i think she is beginning to understand my side a bit. I've known the girl (ok lets call her "Belle") for quite some time now. According to the girl (lets name this girl "Joy") who introduced me to her, it's been about hmm...7 or 8 years already? My mom initially introduced me to Joy, hoping we might like each other as more than friends. But our personality is very much the opposite of each other. Joy is more of the outgoing type of person. I tried to be friends with Joy and got to meet some of her friends. For a while, i tried going out with them. Socializing and stuff. Like always it did felt awkward for me, but i tried to fight my anxiety and fears of being/dealing with people, so i did get to go out with them for a while. Joy later introduced me to Belle who is her cousin. Joy thinks we'd be compatible for each other since Belle doesn't really go out that much either, and Joy says our body type matches? (I guess we're both kind of small in built. While Joy is more bigger in built.) I don't think i really know a lot about Belle's social life or relationships with other people. From i what i gather, i think she has a decent amount of friends to go out with. I don't know how often she goes out with them though. I believe she has had at least one previous relationship with a guy, as i did remember her saying she has some trust issues after that relationship kind of failed? As to my texts, she doesn't always ignore them though. There are times that i think she may have been busy and her texts come much later than expected. So sometimes i think she may have forgotten to get back to me on some occasions perhaps. I believe i can be quite sensitive to many things and that maybe the reason why i don't get any friends. That's probably why i sometimes think i should try to be more understanding. She still lives with her mom and dad. And they run their store together. It's mostly her and her mom that's managing the store. They only have one staff to help, so i think that's why she really have a hard time leaving the store alone with her mom. Her dad doesn't help much and mostly just off about doing his own personal business. So yeah, i don't think her family is that 'controlling'. About finding a girlfriend, i think that would be very very very hard for me. Would you believe i haven't had a girlfriend ever? (Many people make fun of me for that thing alone.) First i don't know where to start looking or maybe i just don't have the courage/confidence to meet with new people and be good at socializing with them. I think i may have this avoidant personality disorder or something. I have pretty much avoided people most of my life (since Elementary School?), so i think its very possible. I think i have most of its symptoms. Secondly, i don't think i have that much free time as i still drive my mom to and fro from her work/store. Thirdly, i'm not confident or brave enough to approach a girl i don't know. Maybe my standards are too high as well. (as i usually find myself attracted to "attractive" girls). Although Belle isn't that attractive, i would still be ok with her if only we could have been more friendlier with each other and get to go out with each other more often? And perhaps if there was less talk about expensive watches. Yeah its true that i can be really hard on myself. But its really mostly based on my experiences, as i have often been reprimanded for doing the wrong things most of the time. I just end up doing them over and over again. Maybe because i don't really have good self control over my desires and what i need to do. That i often find myself neglecting things that i need or should be doing. Thus i end up regretting or being ashamed because of it. Yeah , i think it would sometimes be better if i did the opposite of what i feel like doing. So i wouldn't feel too bad about myself. I also see some relationships like with my brother that don't seem like their doing well or happy. So sometimes that also plays a factor to add fear/anxiety of possible relationships that i may get myself into. Thanks for replying and sharing your thoughts Strawberry. I do appreciate it. |
|
|
|
Post by Outcast on Feb 18, 2018 23:52:09 GMT -5
Just an update. I didn't send any Valentine greeting to Belle this year as part of trying not to get too close to her? I hope i did the right thing.
Anyway, today i suddenly got a text from her. She said hi, and wanted to ask me for a favor. She wanted me to accompany her to watch a concert of her favorite local artist this coming March 23. So i was kinda surprised by that. Maybe she didn't have anyone to accompany her and the venue of the concert is a bit far from her place i guess.
I asked for the time of the concert and she replied that it starts at 8pm. So i told her that we would have to leave a little bit early from work, if we want to watch the concert on time. Considering traffic and all that. I wasn't sure if going with her to the concert would be the right thing to do, so i told her that i'd have to check and get back to her if i can go.
Is it ok if i also asked if she bought the tickets already? She said she hasn't bought any yet since she doesn't have anyone to accompany her yet. Then i inquired if she knew how much the tickets would cost and where to get them? Was it alright for me to ask that too? She told me i could try checking this website where the tickets can be bought. There she told me i could check which seats are available and which seats i would like. She told me to choose where i want to seat. But she plans on getting the svip or vip section.
I'd most likely reply to her that i'd check the website. I think that's the least i can do?
I dunno. Sometimes i feel like i still want to try doing stuff like this. Would this be considered like a date? When she asked me for a favor like this? Sometimes i can't help feel that it is like a date. Maybe i'm too old fashioned?
Still don't know what's the right thing to do though.
Edited to add: Hmmm. It seems like SVIP and VIP seats are the first two most expensive seats available. I wonder if she is hinting me to buy the tickets for her? Or will she buy one for herself? Am i wrong to think this way? Am i being stingy? I really don't like to jump to conclusions or judge her. So i want to give her the benefit of the doubt?
|
|
|
|
Post by Outcast on Feb 22, 2018 4:59:14 GMT -5
 Le Fou i'm afraid i've been thinking.... Ah dangerous past time... I know... Why would she ask for that kind of a favor? www.askmen.com/top_10/dating/top-10-signs-youre-a-friend-not-a-boyfriend_4.htmlIf it's a favor from a friend, i don't think i normally would go. Unless i really like the place "my friend" is inviting me to. Normally i don't think i'd cut my time off work to go with a friend some place. Hmmm...what else. If i were to put other people in my shoes, how would they probably react? They'd probably not go as well. Unless they really like the girl. I mean i think that's how it goes. Guys would normally like to go to places they enjoy going to. I think it's only when the guy is really interested in the girl, then that's when the guy would probably try to go anywhere just to be with the girl. Maybe even pretending to like the same stuff as the girl? (as i've seen in some shows i guess.) So...i don't think i'm really into the girl to do that. Since it's not that long ago that i've managed to convince my mom that i don't think we're really suited for each other. And she saw some signs that seem to support that. Maybe i'm just getting confused because i don't know what to think of her asking that favor. Does she know that it will be some burden for me to do that for her, that's why she is using the term "favor"? Or is there a very slim chance that she likes me? Or is she just using me just so she can watch the concert of her favorite artist? If people would ask me if i like the girl, and why do i like her. I don't think i'd be able to give a good enough answer. She seems nice sometimes, but other than that i don't know. I don't know what people try to look for in people they date. Like if they look for things they have in common? I don't know if i even have that with Belle. Can't think of much at the moment, so i'll just leave this for now. But at the moment, i'm leaning towards not going with her. Or granting her favor. Would she understand? Or would she take it the wrong way? I don't know that either. |
|
|
|
Post by Outcast on Oct 1, 2018 2:46:38 GMT -5
Well, it's been some time since i turned down Belle invitation to watch a concert she really liked.
I guess it's only natural that i've not heard from her since. So we haven't really contacted each other after that.
It's almost that time of the year. Belle's birthday is coming soon. I think it would really make her feel bad if i stopped greeting her. I think that would really sort of end our relationship as "friends"?
What do you guys think? Am i overthinking things again and should i just go with my greeting? Without thinking too much about it?
|
|
|
|
Post by Outcast on Oct 13, 2018 2:50:26 GMT -5
The day is almost upon me. Yeah still feeling some uncertainty here too. It would only be polite to greet her a happy birthday right? But usually we do eventually meet up during this time. And i give her a birthday present. Man, i haven't really thought of anything yet to get her.
I'm asking myself, have i been a good friend to her? at all? I haven't really talked to her for a while. Does it make sense that i can call myself her friend? So i dunno what to do. I might just end up doing the wrong thing again. As i just let things, i dunno roll? or i'm just going with the flow of things?
I dont know. Maybe i'll get my answer by how she responds to my birthday greeting i guess. If i do get one.
Well, that it for now.
This place is my big diary you know. Bwahahaha.
|
|
|
|
Post by Strawberry on Oct 16, 2018 23:04:44 GMT -5
Le Fou i'm afraid i've been thinking.... Ah dangerous past time... I know... Why would she ask for that kind of a favor? www.askmen.com/top_10/dating/top-10-signs-youre-a-friend-not-a-boyfriend_4.htmlIf it's a favor from a friend, i don't think i normally would go. Unless i really like the place "my friend" is inviting me to. Normally i don't think i'd cut my time off work to go with a friend some place. Hmmm...what else. If i were to put other people in my shoes, how would they probably react? They'd probably not go as well. Unless they really like the girl. I mean i think that's how it goes. Guys would normally like to go to places they enjoy going to. I think it's only when the guy is really interested in the girl, then that's when the guy would probably try to go anywhere just to be with the girl. Maybe even pretending to like the same stuff as the girl? (as i've seen in some shows i guess.) So...i don't think i'm really into the girl to do that. Since it's not that long ago that i've managed to convince my mom that i don't think we're really suited for each other. And she saw some signs that seem to support that. Maybe i'm just getting confused because i don't know what to think of her asking that favor. Does she know that it will be some burden for me to do that for her, that's why she is using the term "favor"? Or is there a very slim chance that she likes me? Or is she just using me just so she can watch the concert of her favorite artist? If people would ask me if i like the girl, and why do i like her. I don't think i'd be able to give a good enough answer. She seems nice sometimes, but other than that i don't know. I don't know what people try to look for in people they date. Like if they look for things they have in common? I don't know if i even have that with Belle. Can't think of much at the moment, so i'll just leave this for now. But at the moment, i'm leaning towards not going with her. Or granting her favor. Would she understand? Or would she take it the wrong way? I don't know that either. hmm... Not sure what to say really. What is it you want out of the 'relationship?' A friendship? Potential romantic relationship? I'm kinda confused what you want out of it. I understand it can be nice to have continued contact with someone, though. Sometimes brief contact is better than no contact, esp. if one doesn't have much else going on socially -- if that's perhaps what's going on. I completely understand that. You definitely don't seem to have very strong feelings, though. If she was someone you wanted to date, I would think you would know. "Guys would normally like to go to places they enjoy going to. I think it's only when the guy is really interested in the girl, then that's when the guy would probably try to go anywhere just to be with the girl. Maybe even pretending to like the same stuff as the girl? (as i've seen in some shows i guess.) " --- One would think. At least, I would've thought this myself. Especially in the beginning...and perhaps that is the way it is with most people, both ways -- man trying to impress woman and vice versa. The fact my ex rarely tried to like the things I liked kinda messed me up. "I don't know what people try to look for in people they date. Like if they look for things they have in common? I don't know if i even have that with Belle." It may be different for each person. I'm assuming attractiveness tends to be the first thing for guys...yet, that may go both ways, to varying degrees. Is there anything you tend to look for in a partner? Surely there are certain qualities you would like in a partner? Common interests, sense of humor, someone who's kind, honest, &/or trustworthy? Feeling comfortable with the other person, being able to hold an interesting conversation, intimacy? These types of things, and the importance of each, vary from person to person. When you meet someone you get along well with, you'll know. |
|
|
|
Post by Outcast on Oct 16, 2018 23:49:24 GMT -5
I think i had wanted a potential romantic relationship. If it didn't work out a friendship i suppose. Since i really have no idea of what i'm looking for in a girl, i guess i was letting things flow naturally. Then see how things work out. Along the way, there were times that i have my doubts if Belle really likes me or if i would be happy with a girl like Belle. In the end, i guess i decided that she may not be the one that is right for me.
Now i know its possible for a couple not to like the same things. I've mostly assumed that it was necessary requirement for a relationship to bloom. There's all this talk about finding a connection.
I guess you're right about attractiveness. I just notice that i tend to do more things for the girl when i'm attracted to her. Thanks for the advice. The list of things you mentioned might help clear things up for me. Maybe i need to write them down. I don't usually have a checklist ready when i try to look for/meet girls for potential romantic relationships. I just don't think i know what i'm doing. I think i'm walking blindly in the dark or walking blindfolded.
UPDATE on Belle: I greeted her a happy birthday thru text only. And she replied with a thank you (smiley). Anyways, i'm not sure if i can still go thru meeting with her in person and giving her a gift. Don't know, maybe we can still be "distant" friends.
|
|
