Reflections of an Outcast

[Outcast]

I feel my resolve slowly crumbling. I thought i could be more positive and be more courageous. But i'm wondering if i was/am just too naive to think so. Feel more like a hypocrite, since i can't stop judging this girl i hate at the office. I want to forgive and forget, but deep inside my subconscious remains this very bad impression of her. I have failed myself. I feel i have no right to pretend to be happy or positive. It would only feel fake.

Hoping i can still bounce back after this.

[Outcast]

I would like to apologize if i made the forum mood here down for anyone who has read this thread.

Right now i am slowly recovering from those negative feelings i have. I felt i was backed in a corner where i had nowhere else to go or turn to. Only then did i remember someone i have forgotten a long time ago. He was someone i could turn to for help, and he would be always there for me. While i was not. Now, he has given me peace and i feel very relieved. I dunno why but my tears are beginning to flow as i type in this post of mine. Tears of relief and happiness i suppose.

The one i am talking about is God. It may seem silly to some of you but that's the truth of it all.

I am hoping to reconnect with him somehow in the days to come, and optimistic that i can find true happiness with him.

Edit to add:

Of course i don't want to seem to be a very holy or righteous person to any of you guys. In fact, i'm really not. It's just that i'm a Catholic. And i guess i just want to believe that there really is a God. That he exists somehow. To give people such as myself hope.

Or am i just being too naive again? So..not in touch with reality? I dunno. In reality, it's just as hard to be a good Christian/Catholic as it is to be positive, courageous, kind, forgiving.

I guess i just don't want to appear that i'm preaching again. I'm not that good of a person. I make mistakes like everybody. Maybe this sudden leap of faith of mine is just intended to give me a little more hope for myself in the future.

Maybe i'm rambling now and not making any sense now...so i better stop while i still can.

[Audio the obscure]

Well if you feel some hope that's good, whatever the cause of it. Me? I've lost hope. I'm at the point I do not want to feel emotions anymore. I've tried so hard to make my life better, and each time I try, it gets a little bit worse each time I try. I see life, not as I see it, but I'm very results oriented. What I mean is, I expect results of myself if I make an effort for something positive in my life. And yet, every time I try, negative results happen. There is a cause for every effect. If I grow a garden, and put all the necessary ingredients to make the plants grow, and keep tending the garden, then there should be a yield, a crop, that can be utilized upon full growth of the plant. They say also, 'give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day', but 'teach a man to fish, and he feeds himself for a lifetime' (or words to that effect). So many times I have been "given the fish" when all I had wanted (and thought I had obtained back in the early 1990s through college education) was "to be taught to fish" i.e. to be able to feed myself for a lifetime through my own efforts. I have failed in life. I failed in just about everything. I have just about nothing to live for. So, outcast, you have hope. You probably are much younger than I am. So if you are young, and if you have your health, you have some measure of hope. I have neither youth nor health (nor looks). I don't find your post rambly, if that's any encouragement to you. For the religious aspect of it, I no longer have anything to say about that. I have suffered so much, mostly emotionally, and for years I tried to lean on how you say in your post "God", but at long last for me there is just no point . I'm like the character in Pearl S Buck's "The Good Earth" in a sense, except for the specific objects of worship mentioned in said book; besides the fact that I no longer have any use for religion. I guess I'm also like the wife of poor Job too, so my whole life is a bloody waste. I wish I had never been born into all the suffering and adversities I've faced; because they did not make me stronger, but only consistently weaker. The only good, if I can call it that, is that they have made me more compassionate toward others' suffering (unless it's just my past self-righteousness coming again to the fore, I'm not certain). If it's the latter, then indeed my life has been a waste. I'm sure my post reply has significantly paled your posts, as regards negativity or "downer posts".

[Outcast]

I'm sorry to hear about your health problems, Audio. I wish i could do more to help you. But all i can do is try to encourage you to not give up on life or on yourself. Compared to some people, i guess one can say that i'm pretty much a failure myself. Compared to most of my high school/college classmates now, they would probably think i'm a loser. But i think what should matter the most is what i think about myself. I'm just tired of beating myself up. I've been doing that for as long as i can remember, and it has taken its toll on my general health. I'm just saying this because i really don't want this to happen to other people. What i try to do now is to be there for me. To be my own best friend. And to do that, i've tried giving myself lots of encouragement. Forgiving any mistakes i may have done in the past. Letting bygones be bygones. No use crying over spilled milk. I would also try to cheer myself up by doing some things that i think i would enjoy. Just trying to enjoy my life today. Taking it one day at a time.

You're upstairs neighbor, really seems quite troublesome. I've had my share of people like that. I thinks its best to just ignore them, and don't give them any second thought. Forgive and forget is the ideal thing to do though. Remembering, trying to understand, that is just human nature. Most of us are busy looking out for ourselves.

You need to eat something too, so you can have your strength back and get better. Please don't give up. I think its better to give more effort to see the brighter side of things. Such as the one about becoming more compassionate about other people. Try to think of more positive stuff like that. Seeing the glass half full as they say. Well, that's what i'm trying to do at the moment.

I'm really not that young, or healthy either. But i think what's more important is what's inside, about having a positive attitude, loving yourself, and believing in yourself.

I think somehow religion can still play a big role in helping us find peace of mind, happiness, and contentment. The bible has many teachings we can use. Like the golden rule.

[lightrider]

I can't believe I remember my username from about 10 years ago.

I was just reading some of your posts, because I'm actually a Christian, a "full" Christian. I don't have any title though, such as a "catholic" or "Baptist", what I mean really, is I just have faith as Christ described, when He said, "you must be born again."

I myself am an odd bod that's for sure. I haven't read all your posts, but basically I have a lot of experience of suffering, especially emotional suffering. I think the only thing that makes me carry on when I don't want to, is to experience the presence of God for real. You see for me, it wasn't enough for me to "hope" God exists, because I have been to the point of suicide, and when I cried out to God, it is quite simple, He either had to answer, FOR REAL, or I would have blown everything. But we have to have faith, and that can be the hardest thing, when you are literally on the brink.

For me, obviously I am born again, which just means I FULL OUT believe, no matter what, no matter if my guts are spilling out of my body. Then as life goes on, He gives personal proof He is there, but not without faith, which is really just a choice to fully believe that He came to give us hope for an eternal life that far outstrips the miserable one so many of us have. Not fairytales, not half-belief, no - I am saying that He only will turn up if we full out make the choice to believe, and put our hope in Christ.

Sorry to preach, I don't mean to, it's just that you said God is a friend who had been there for you. I think the problem is, we see suffering as antithetical to God's existence, yet we forget that Christ came to suffer, and said that we would face many tribulations, He actually said, "in this world you will have trouble, but fear not, I have overcome the world". Which is a direct statement that trial and heartache and suffering will certainly come. So then, how is His gospel antithetical? You see for me, I can't relate to a religion that holds no reality to it, and I can't believe in a God that doesn't show me evidence He is there. But it is costly to commit to that belief, it is a leap of faith.

For me, without that hope, I wouldn't survive because now my only hope is the life after the temporary life we live. "do not look at the things which are seen, for the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are unseen are eternal."

I hope this encourages you to find a new hope in that which doesn't pass away, rather than our clearly miserable lives, that do pass.

mike

[lightrider]

Disclaimer: by the way to any none-Christians that read my post, I'm not trying to prove anything here, just trying to give a personal account as a person that has taken the decision of "full hope", while having to suffer also, because it seems to be on-topic, this whole issue of "hope". For me, I don't "hope" so much for this life, given my own circumstances, that's all I mean.

[Outcast]

Well, i'm certainly glad and happy for you Lightrider, for being able to achieve that "full out" belief/faith in God. And i do believe that God will be there for you and will continue to bless you for having done so.

It's a hard road to go through, there will be lots of temptations/challenges along the way that could test one's faith. But if you can persevere, i believe you will be rewarded. If not in this life, then in the next life like you mentioned.

As for me, i still haven't achieved that strong faith in God. I am still weak, and give in easily to some of life's challenges and temptations. Still, i don't think i should give up and totally forget about him. I'll just continue to try my best to follow his teachings. And then hope that even if it's not good enough, he'll still accept me.

[Outcast]

Well, it's been over a month now since my father passed away. I've been pretty disorganized after that time.

Before that even happened, i've gotten into a fight with my little sister when i was trying to help her with her problems. That's when my confidence to help others started to falter. Proving once again, that it's all too easy to give advice but actually doing them can be very difficult.

There were times i wanted to help and console someone here, but i didn't know what to say or how to help them. Apologies to everyone, if i hadn't been active here lately. Once i start to lurk or become quiet and the longer i keep it that way, the harder it is for me to open up once again. You know, as each day passes, it's like you feel/become more and more like a stranger once again.

[Slinky]

Sorry for your loss outcast. I think being a little disorganized in your life right now is more than understandable, and emotions are at their highest and very raw.

I've often found that too when giving advice to family members. In my case, the only thing that I've found will help is just to let that person make their own mistakes, but know that you are there for advice/consolation. Maybe not by overtly saying so more than once, but by appearing open enough to let that person know, eg - no harsh words said in the heat of the moment, no matter how much you feel like saying them! Easier said than done with siblings I know!

And no need to apologize for not being so active. The place is very quiet nowadays, and being a shy forum only magnifies that. I can understand the feeling of becoming a stranger though. I think once a place loses (or appears to lose) the people who made it so welcoming/fun/informative at its peak, activity just drops, it seems harder to open up/start a conversation, and the site loses the feeling of being the 'home from home' it used to have :\

[Outcast]

Thanks for the support and understanding, SlinkyNinja. I appreciate it. Fortunately, my little sister and I are back in good terms now. So i think that also helped me gain some confidence back at least. And she's not so depressed as she was before.

[Outcast]

Log#... I kinda feel sad and depressed again. Texted someone and didnt get any reply. Yeah it happened again. To think that this happens often, i really should get used to it. Suppose to be getting ready for work, but i feel like lying down on my bed for awhile. I know i shouldnt let my emotions get the best of me. But right now, my body seems more comfortable resting a bit...

[Outcast]

Update to Log#... Eventually the one i texted replied back. Still i wasn't sure how i can continue the conversation/chat. But i'm glad that she's still talking more openly and freely with me, making it a bit easier for me to try continuing the conversation.(even though its only thru text messages.)

Yeah, that's basically it for the update.

[Outcast]

Ok. Just for the record, i still did managed to botch things up. I'm not sure but it could have been something i've said, asked or commented. But she did eventually stopped replying/dropped out of the chat/conversation. I'm sure it's probably because i may have said something not nice. not interesting or boring. Well that's probably why i can be very tentative about starting conversations with other people. Maybe i'm just being too sensitive or just being too demanding? I dunno, i guess i had imagined a different way of chatting or conversing with "friends"/ or even "acquaintances".

Yeah to sum it all up. I still need to work on my social skills.

Lessons to be learned? I dunno, try not to be too sensitive and expect too much. Since i am quite awkward and clueless when it comes to socializing.

[Outcast]

A couple of days ago, my mom had brought home two kitten from a stray cat. I was really against it at first since we don't really know how to take care of them in the first place. It was hard keeping them inside a box. And we didn't tie them up with a leash. I was always kinda worried they would stray and get killed. But for a few days since we were feeding them, they didn't stray far outside our home. Then my mom decided to switch to catfood that are like pellets from the tuna meat we gave them initially.

I was worried they weren't getting full or eating enough since they keep on feeding them these pellets. So last night, i really wanted to feed them some tuna meat. But my brother said they were full, because he said they were being fed all day by my niece. I was still doubtful though since all they gave them were pellets.

So true enough, this morning they were gone from our house. Apparently they strayed far in search of food and got killed one way or another.

My brother was happy though, since he didn't like the cats because they kinda smelled for him.

Somehow, i feel that i've let the kittens down. And now i feel down and kinda sad too. I should have listened to my gut feeling and fed them last night.

=(

[matthewtheshyperson]

May 24, 2018 23:31:58 GMT -5 Outcast said:

A couple of days ago, my mom had brought home two kitten from a stray cat. I was really against it at first since we don't really know how to take care of them in the first place. It was hard keeping them inside a box. And we didn't tie them up with a leash. I was always kinda worried they would stray and get killed. But for a few days since we were feeding them, they didn't stray far outside our home. Then my mom decided to switch to catfood that are like pellets from the tuna meat we gave them initially.

I was worried they weren't getting full or eating enough since they keep on feeding them these pellets. So last night, i really wanted to feed them some tuna meat. But my brother said they were full, because he said they were being fed all day by my niece. I was still doubtful though since all they gave them were pellets.

So true enough, this morning they were gone from our house. Apparently they strayed far in search of food and got killed one way or another.

My brother was happy though, since he didn't like the cats because they kinda smelled for him.

Somehow, i feel that i've let the kittens down. And now i feel down and kinda sad too. I should have listened to my gut feeling and fed them last night.

=(

Sorry to hear this, it dosen't sound like it was your fault. If everyone else was trying to feed cat food then it wasn't exactly your fault, plus if they were full they may not have ate it anyway. Sorry to hear this though, one of my cats died of cancer last year and it was really upsetting, I get way too attached to pets.