Post by Audio the obscure on May 1, 2015 14:16:32 GMT -5
I probably should have put it in the rant thread, I suppose. (This is long, sorry about that)
I'm just so discouraged that I can't find someone to spend time with and maybe have a relationship with. I either have nobody or someone comes along that ends up using me or two-timing me. It's not just that, but I know I don't have much in the looks department or anything else that a guy might be looking for in a girl. I mean my ex, 16 years older than myself has remarried (about 4 years ago) to a girl at least 20 years younger. I'd be happy if I could have a relationship, or even a few dates, with someone my age (or close thereabouts). Another thing I'm upset about is that I favourited (well, followed) a certain person on here and they didn't follow me back (no, I don't expect everybody I've followed on here to follow me back, but I was hoping that this person would). You know who you are and if you're reading this, will you at least pm me and tell me why you didn't see fit to "follow" me back? thx. I can't shake this discouragement. There is more, but I'm not sure whether I feel comfortable talking about it. I try so hard. And get very little back. Maybe people think I'm not real. I don't know. I mean, maybe they think I'm pretending, or something. Only they can answer that in their own minds how they feel about me (those who I've met in life, or had conversations with). I don't know how to express myself. I fear to express myself. I'm tired of second guessing myself and censuring or editing myself to make sure that I don't offend anyone. All I can say in all honesty is that I try very hard not to say (write, type) anything that could cause anyone to be offended. If I fail in that, whether it be in this post, other posts, other venues, or in the offline world, it is not intentional, but simply a mistake, a miscommunication on my part. Today I feel like giving up, totally. I don't mean (((that))) - I know I can't discuss (((that))) on here but would have to get professional help or call a crisis centre. I mean giving up mentally, emotionally, that's all. I don't know. Maybe I ruin people's lives. Maybe it's best I no longer try to be friendly to people, whether it be online or just in public around the city I live. I'm tired. I'm tired of trying and getting nowhere. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of going home and dodging people's noise and trying not to make noise myself. Whatever happens, happens - whether online or in the offline world. I will no longer make promises. I am not sure that I can keep them. Again, to edit, censure, second-guess myself is very very exhausting to me. I wish I could just be free to say whatever it is on my mind without anyone feeling that I am being rude. Because it never was, since my original registration on here (as alwaysalone) in 2006 (obviously I've had many name changes, as those who recognize me throughout these years on here know), my intention or desire to be rude to anyone. And it still is not.
I am "stuffed-behind" my stress and unhappiness; though, admittedly the basement apartment is very cold and chilly, somewhat making me feel the need to eat, often. I was home all day yesterday (partly from fatigue, and also because I don't have a lot of money for bus fares, and wanted to save my change for today when I knew I'd be coming into town to mail a couple letters, and get money out of the bank, etc. ) and just couldn't seem to stop snacking every couple hours or so) I hope I don't go up to 200 pounds or more. (I weigh around 150 give or take a couple pounds either side and I'm 165 cm in height)
I just would like to have a guy in my life. I am so fatigued!!! I don't have the energy to work on my music. Just one keyboard playing of "Moonlight Sonata" from beginning to end, and I'm "done-in" (tired). I want to work on my music with the energy I used to have in 1996, which is almost 20 years ago - oh my how the time flies!!! All I have to make me happy right now is my music, but I don't have the energy to work on it. I'm not really sure if I want to, although to practice classical music is very fulfilling.
I wish I knew whether my "somewhat" belief - "I ruin people's lives" is true or false. How do I reality test that supposition? I didn't always believe that. I think I only started believing that about 5 or so years ago (I'm not sure of the number of years since it started to form in my consciousness - or subconsciousness?). The only way I know to "reality test" that supposition is the number of people who are still in or who have disappeared from my life. If a person has gone from my life, does that mean I've contributed in some manner to having "ruined that person's life" or is he/she ok, and just busy with his/her life?
It's difficult for me to have a positive perspective in light of what I have written, AND there are other thoughts also which probably contribute to my negative perspective today.
I just wish (forgive me, but I must) I could feel like there are some concerned about me on here. On the other hand, I know that 2 people on here have "followed" me, and I say to you, if you are reading this post: Thank you very much. I appreciated it immensely!!! (hoping I'm not being "lame" by saying that)
I know I don't always post on here. For the biggest reason that I mentioned above: trying to censure, edit, second-guess myself (what I've written, wondering if it will be seen as rude) fatigues me; so I've taken to making very (at worst?) "choppy" posts and (at best) very mediocre ones where I'm just posting a link to an entertainment site or something like that (in an attempt to contribute "something" that might edify or hopefully not be rude.) The latter is not my favourite thing to post. I'd much rather post narrations - in a conversational style, as if I'm speaking with a friend.
And I had a conflict today with someone that I didn't expect would happen. We were just sitting at the library having a conversation, mostly she doing the talking, and bam - right out of the blue, an offense occurred. I got upset at her, it went back and forth for about 30 seconds (not long obviously); then she took off. It figures (with me, I mean, what else is new?!!>(((sarcasm)))] Where people are concerned, I never get it right. I should have found a way (years ago, when I was in my late teens to mid 20s) to get some kind of a super technical education so I could just work with machines for 8 to 12 hours 5 days a week and be done with it (hopefully), and have enough money to live really well, and get 2 cats and a dog and just eat, sleep, watch tv, walk the dog, play with the cat, go to sleep, and get up the next day go to work, and on and on and on.... But oh no, of course not!!! I had to have problems, lots of problems, mental (emotional) problems, physical problems: extreme fatigue, body soreness (I'm sore today but I had to do some business, and wanted to take my computer with me to go online at the library's wifi where I'm posting this, etc.) I woke up sore. I go to bed sore (mostly in knees and legs - I don't know why). The doctor just looks at me when I mention pain, so if I go up there it will be just a wasted trip. I'll wait until something more serious comes up, and if she says anything I'm gonna say, well I told you for years that I have (had, whatever) been in pain in my legs, knees, (sometimes back and neck), and you just looked at me and didn't offer me anything: tests or whatever, etc. I can't prove one way or the other whether this pain is real or whether it is imaginary. All I know is that it hurts. Whether the pain is from a physical cause, or whether it is from an emotional cause. The result is the same: I hurt, ache, (whatever description, etc.) in various parts of my body - atm mostly knees and legs. It's not my weight. I weighed more in 1996, right after my ex and I separated: I was 158 and I was full of energy, not fatigued, and no body soreness at all.
Who knows maybe I can't have a physical relationship with a man, should I be lucky enough to have one be interested me long term. Maybe I'm (((supposed))) to be alone. It never was my goal to get married when I was young enough for marriage to be ideal (I mean in the child bearing years of course, which I am in no longer). Now that I am more interested in getting married (in my case: re-married), I have no takers. Blimey, I can't even get a DATE, for crying out loud!!!
Accentuate the positive. I would do that gladly. But where IS it? What in hell do I have to offer an S O ? I'm ugly. I'm not skinny. I'm not confident. I'm not well educated (though I have an education, just not a university one). I don't have a job. And I have health problems. So there it is. Is there anyone even in here that thinks I'm pretty. I "look good" some say to me (in the offline world) - but not men. Just other ladies around my age or older. They're just making conversation, like when you see someone, an acquaintance - at a store, a pharmacy, a restaurant, etc. I thought Rick was in it for the long run. He was just a two timer (if you've seen my blog posts), as that lady mentioned I related in one of the posts. I really thought he was interested in me. He hurt me so much, in a way, worse than Keith did. Keith was younger, I can expect that he wouldn't want to be with me long term. Never again, if I can help it, will I ever even entertain the possibility of dating anyone not even close to my age. Not because I don't want to. But because there is no future in it. And I am not a Cougar. I can't live that kind of life. I want someone in my life for me and I for him, and that we each are in it for each other long term. So I may as well pack it in. Too ugly to find a man long term. Too old. Can't hold down a fulltime job because I am sick. Even if I did a job, I'd be sore the next day, and I would have to call in sick. The end result of that would be (at best: cutting of my hours) and (at worst: the obvious result: getting fired). I am on disability (pension) for my health. I'm just tired of being alone that's all. How can I "see" this differently?! I would work if I could. I can't even drive a car or I would get a job doing deliveries or driving taxi. I know why the younger guys don't want me. Because biologically (genetics-wise) they want to get the best and prettiest one they can so they will have healthy and attractive children (something like that - like I said I don't think I express myself very well, but I know what I mean from what I've read in magazines about this and so forth, etc.). I'm not looking for a younger guy. I Just Want Someone My Age to have a few dates with and get to know each other and maybe work toward something long term (it doesn't have to be marriage, even if we're just "going steady" - that's fine with me).
Well I don't know what else to put on this. I just seem to be spending a lot of time either dodging noises (at the building I live in) or trying to keep out of people's way (at the grocery store, their carts and all that - I have balance problems also in addition to the body soreness). I'm just so tired of it all. The only joy I have is the few hours that the fellow above me is gone to work (yes I moved across the hall) and laughing at some comedy I happen to be viewing on the tv. There's got to be more to life than that though. And there is. But I need some way to make the "more to life" things be a Part of my life. And I know not how to make that happen. I personally think it's too late (for me, I mean). If I had the energy and the wherewithal to make it happen, I would. I just wish there was somebody out there, preferably in my city, that felt the same way and wanted that (or a reasonable facsimile), and we encountered one another, clicked, and started at least a friendship going.