Hi. Sorry to be troubling you guys with another of my posts.
Well as most of you might have come to expect, i'm still unsure on how to deal/react/handle things like meeting new aquaintances, trying to make friends with them, or dating or having an ongoing dating relationship with someone. Sometimes i'm even confused whether the date was a date date? Or was it a friendly kind of date? Being indecisive on almost all things doesn't really help too.
So, i'm just trying to see if i can get any advice/tips/knowledge on how to handle things regarding dating and relationships. Those that can help me decide, and make the right decisions. Or those that can help teach me how to act, what to do, what to say, or what to look for.
I've come across some articles i found on the web. And i'll post some of them here for you guys to read and maybe you could even share some of your thoughts about them?
Doing and saying the wrong things most of the time 24/7. Being me means having to endure people not liking me.
If you’ve recently been on a pleasant first date that never led to another, you might be curious about what makes other people decide to see someone again. “Studies show that it takes someone about 20 minutes to decide if he or she wants to see a date again,” explains relationship expert Lori Bizzoco. Is it all about the spark?
Some daters looking for that “click” that connects them to someone.
interests? Landing a few good jokes? Unfortunately, there’s no easy answer here. For some, that second date isn’t a big deal; for others, it’s a carefully considered decision. “Agreeing to a second date is not something I take lightly,” says John Powers, a stand-up comedian in New York. “Typically, I know by the end of the first date if there’s any chance of going on a second.”
Some daters looking for that “click” that connects them to someone, while others are pleased with an absence of red flags. Read on for some great insights into what separates one-hit wonders from those who go full speed ahead to date #2…
For most singles, it’s all about the chemistry Good chemistry includes a heady mix of engaging conversation, shared interests, compatible senses of humor, and physical attraction — you just can’t fake this kind of immediate spark. If it’s there, it almost always leads to a second date. “When deciding if I want to go out again with one of the men I meet online for my blog, 50 Food Truck Dates, it’s all about chemistry, chemistry, chemistry,” says the site’s creator, Jeanna Barrett. “I only want to see someone again who I feel I have good chemistry with — physically and mentally. Immediately when I meet someone for a blind date, I ask myself: Am I attracted?”
Don’t stress over “one and done” dates Sometimes, it’s just plain obvious that your date isn’t someone you’d like to get to know any better. “I have had several ‘one and done’ dates,” explains Rick Soetebier, a financial advisor and author living in Missouri. “A ‘one and done’ date can happen for a variety of reasons, from discovering your date has lied about something large or small to observing personality traits that make this person a poor match.” The trick is not to sweat it — “one and done” dates are the stuff good stories are made of long after you’ve moved on.
Boring first dates can actually be a good thing People looking for a lasting relationship are wise enough to give dates more than 20 minutes to knock their socks off before passing judgment. “If I had a decent time and no red flags went off, I always accepted a second date,” says speaker and author Jen Hancock. “You just never know where it will lead. A lot of times, going out with someone who doesn’t immediately ring all our bells is a good experience. In comparison with the passionate men I’d been dating, my husband is positively boring. There is no drama in his life.
On our first date, everything clicked — it just felt right.
He’s also turned out to be the most interesting, handsome, talented and funny man I ever dated, too. He is my rock! So glad I had the intelligence to not write him off early on.”
Look for someone who’s genuine in every way “On a first date, I want to see it in her face and reaction that when I talk about my life, she’s genuinely interested in what I have to say,” says W. Brandon Howard, an insurance agent and blogger for SingleRoots.com in Dallas, TX. “Likewise, as long as I’m not prying into sensitive subjects, I want her to be enthusiastic in discussing her life, sharing funny stories, and being able to have a relaxed conversation that allows me to get an idea about what she thinks is humorous and what she enjoys.” In other words, being present and willing to open up a bit without an agenda is very attractive to most people. Howard adds, “I’ve been on first dates where I felt like the woman wanted to find out if I was missing any components from her ‘secret list’ — and it turned into a job interview for her prospective spouse. I don’t want to think about marriage or a relationship in those first couple of hours,” Howard explains. “I just simply want to discover what brings her joy and what she’s passionate about.”
Embrace the charm of spontaneity Sometimes, you just want to have fun and be surprised on a first date. When that happens, a follow-up date often becomes a foregone conclusion. “When I wanted to see her again, it was because she was funny, honest and ready to be spontaneous,” says New York City-based author and financial sales professional Jack Dalton.
Polite behavior’s a great way to win over your date Market researchers Christopher Brya and Miguel Almaraz (co-authors of WTF Are Men Thinking: 250,000 Men Reveal What Women Really Want to Know) conducted a poll of over 250,000 men for their book, which revealed that guys are much more likely to decide to see someone again if a date’s behavior is polite. “An incredible majority of the men polled (95%) said that the biggest turn-off on a first date is someone who is rude or arrogant,” explain Brya and Almaraz, adding that “a date that’s rude to a waiter or is constantly checking her phone will not get a second date.” Ronald Kaufman, a consultant and author based in Los Angeles, agrees: “One of the things that I use to decide if I’ll see someone again is how my date treats and talks about other people. In a restaurant, is this person pleasant and respectful of the staff? Does my date talk about family, friends, coworkers, customers and past husbands/boyfriends in a positive way?” So, being nice usually pays off, ladies — in second-date dividends.
Sometimes, it just feels right “On our first date, everything clicked — it just felt right,” says Nick Brennan, a sales professional in Chicago. “The conversation flowed effortlessly, and by the end of the evening, we were walking down the street holding hands. I just knew that I wanted to see her again.”
It may sound shallow, but I know from experience that it's almost always a waste to agree to a second date with someone who you just weren't that into sexually. Attraction is a major component of any relationship, and it's something that truly can't be forced or learned. Sure, someone might seem more attractive to you as you get to know them, but if you come away from a first date knowing the attraction wasn't there AT ALL, there's not a whole lot you can do to salvage that. The surest sign of this? A cringeworthy and/or passionless end-of-date kiss.
2. You Had an Argument
Yikes — talk about a red flag. If you've only been out with someone once and you've already had a disagreement, that doesn't exactly bode well for the future. There's a difference between a friendly debate or first-date banter and a flat out, huffy fight. First dates, as a general rule, should be on the lighter side as you get to know each other. It's no place for hostility and the inability to see eye-to-eye about important things. No one's perfect, but having an argument so soon would definitely give me pause and make me question whether a second date is in the cards.
3. They Made You Uncomfortable
Even if it was only a slight feeling for a fleeting moment on an otherwise good date, it's definitely not something to ignore. One off-color comment made in passing can be more telling than a whole evening's worth of "saying the right things." Whether it's a jab at your beliefs or an unsolicited and aggressive sexual comment, there's no excuse for making your date feel uncomfortable.
4. They Tried to Push Your Boundaries
Boundary-pushing doesn't always come in the form of repeated overt attempts to get you into bed: There are often a lot of little clues on a first date that someone won't respect your boundaries in the future. Whether it's being a little too touchy-feely or asking personal-bordering-on-insensitive questions, you shouldn't ignore your gut telling you that something is off.
5. You Don't Want the Same Things
This may not always be easy to ascertain after only one date, but in the event that you both touch upon what you want long-term and those things don't jive, it might be better to cut your losses. If one of you wants a serious relationship and the other is looking for something more casual, it's likely one of you will wind up getting hurt if you spend more time and get closer. Sure, compromise is possible, but it's more than probable that you aren't compatible and are just putting off the inevitable.
6. They Didn't Ask About You
Nothing is worse than a first date who's all about "me me me." Not that every person who rambles on about themselves is a textbook narcissist, but it's common courtesy on a first date to make sure that each person gets their fair share of say in the conversation. Proceed with caution.
7. You Aren't Excited About Seeing Them Again
Say it with me: I don't owe anyone a follow-up to a mediocre date. Don't feel guilty if things were just "OK" and the date wasn't enough to make you want to see them again. We've all got sh*t to do, and we don't have to make time for second dates just to assuage our guilt. While it's not exactly a quantifiable feeling, really all you need to say "no" to date number two is a nudge from your gut telling you it's not something you're interested in. It's easy to talk yourself into giving your date the benefit of the doubt, but at the end of the day, it's your call how you spend your precious little free time. If you're unsure, don't sweat it — there are plenty more first dates to come.
I'm going to give you some great advice here, like nothing else you've read on this site. Read and think about it carefully.
The purpose (to the woman) of the first and second date are different. I'm assuming you've made a date, just a simple meeting for coffee or something similar. Because she's accepted a date, it means you are physically attractive enough to her for her to go out with her. Now she wants to find out other things about you and find what potential you have for her. Being physically attractive enough to be acceptable for a date doesn't mean you are (yet) boyfriend material. She has to check you out. The purpose of the first date is very simple. It's just to see if she can get along with you. Can you chat together? Are you interested in what she has to say? Are you interested (or at least show an interest) in the things that interest her.
You make small talk, you talk about music, movies, leisure activities and things like that. Just "getting to know you" stuff. Because you are already OK looking to her, and because all she wants to find out is if you get along together, there is no reason to try and impress her with anything else.
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At the end just say that you enjoyed talking with her and say goodbye. Don't try to set up a second date. The next day just call to say how much you enjoyed meeting her and that you'd like to do it again sometime. If she's positive then tell her you'll call again in a few days to set things up. A few days later, do call her, and set up the second date (lunch or something similar). Now, here is the crucial bit.
The second date is the deal breaker. The second date is nothing like the first date. Now she already knows that she gets along OK with you, she wants to dig deeper. Her hidden agenda here (hidden even from herself in many cases) is to scope you out for possible liabilities.
What is she trying to find out?
1) whether you have the wherewithal to be a good match for her 2) whether you're dependable or not. What you have to do here is sit down by yourself and being brutally honest with yourself write down your weaknesses and liabilities (e.g., baggage from previous relationships, commitments to a child you might have, lack of income, whether you are indecisive and find it hard to commit etc...).
You will have your own personal weaknesses. Write them down and try to find a way of handling the conversation when it turns toward these things. Try not to lie, but find ways of skirting around the worst stuff. If you can't say anything without revealing these weaknesses, then kick the issue downstream and say nothing at all beyond "I haven't really given that enough thought, I must think that through and get back to you on that" (or something similar).
Now here is the CRITICAL part.
You must resist the urge to open up to her about your weaknesses on the second date. This sort of thing comes much, much later in a relationship, when it helps increase intimacy. At this stage all it does is drop you out of the running. You haven't established a relationship yet, so there is no need to open up about these things yet. Be polite and tactful, but resist the urge. And it WILL be an urge. Why? Because of the way women operate.
On the second date they will very likely open up to you about certain things. They will gain your confidence in doing so. When you reveal a small weakness they will be very understanding, very sympathetic, very agreeable. You think you've found a sympathetic ear. You think that you are getting along great. You think that you've really hit it off and that intimacy is building already. So you open up to her.
You've fallen into the trap.
The second date is an interrogation. But it isn't done with force or threats. It's done with sympathy, agreeability, concerned looks, nodding the head, understanding. Women are experts at this type of covert interrogation. Even they don't know they are doing it. They are just following a biological program. They may feel a genuine bond with you during the date. BUT, after the date, they will think about what you've revealed, and they will reject you.
It's hard not to resent this. You feel as if you were set up. She opened up to you, she gained your trust, you opened up, now the door has slammed shut.
It hurts like hell.
But, try not to resent her. It's just her following her biological nature in looking for a mate without too many liabilities.
How do you deal with this? Re-read what I read above about being aware of your own weaknesses. Then be aware of how by agreeability she may get you to reveal those weaknesses. Then find a way to deal with the conversation if it takes that turn.
If you can do this, then you are through to the third date. Remember, the second date is a covert interrogation.
Here's one that talks more on the Woman's part? Not sure if people here would agree or not...but it mentions some dating etiquettes or rules? So i thought maybe some would make sense and be helpful.
Dating Etiquette and Rules for Women – First & Second Dates
It’s been a great night of drinks, dinner, and conversation, but the evening is coming to a close as the bill is finally brought to the table. Questions start to flood your mind: Do I offer to pay? Did I do everything I could have to impress my date? Will there be a second date? Dates can be stressful, especially first dates, but by following some dating etiquette, a woman can relax and enjoy the experience. Here are some guidelines to help you handle awkward situations involving the bill, and some other general dating advice for women.
How to Handle the Financial Aspect of Dating
Who should pay the bill when you go out on a date? What can you order on the date? It all depends on how long you’ve been dating, and how far you are into the relationship. The financial aspect of dating is much different for a first date, for example, than it is for a fourth or fifth date. First Dates
Most men will pay for first dates, but some won’t pay or expect the woman to pay for her share. Here is some advice for a woman going on a first date:
Go Prepared. Even if the man asked you out by offering to pay for your dinner, bring enough money to pay. The man may forget his wallet, or be unable to fully cover the bill. Perhaps he intended to split the bill from the beginning. Or maybe the date just doesn’t go well, and he no longer wants to pay for your share. With so many possibilities, it’s a good idea to carry cash with you and be prepared to take care of the bill if necessary.
Be Considerate of What You Order. A first date is not the time to order the most expensive item on the menu, or to order multiple courses and pricey drinks. By the end of the date, you may quickly decide that the guy is not right for you. It would be inappropriate to let him know you are not interested, after he just spent half his paycheck on you.
Be Mindful of the Restaurant You Pick. If the man asks you to pick the restaurant, choose a moderately-priced restaurant or find restaurant discounts and coupons. Don’t select an expensive restaurant, and don’t ask to go to a fast food restaurant, either. You do not want the man to have to pay for an expensive dinner, and you do not want to insult him by selecting a cheap restaurant.
Subtly Offer to Pay. While most men will pay, it is important to make sure that the man knows you did not just go on the date for a free dinner. Some men will be insulted if you offer to pay, so you need to subtly hint that you are willing to pay. For instance, when the check comes to the table, reach for your purse. Chances are that the man will tell you not to worry about it as he reaches for his wallet. Just thank him, and let him know that you appreciate his gesture. If he doesn’t stop you, don’t be offended. Simply offer to split the bill, which is fair. Subsequent Dates
Ladies, after you have been on your first date or two with a man, the rules change a little. Do not expect the man to continue to pay for nice dinners and evenings out, even though some men will still pay. Here is some advice as your dating relationship gets more serious:
Continue to Offer to Pay. You always want to arrive prepared, and if this is your second, third, or fourth date, the man may or may not allow you to pay, but at least you have shown that you are willing. It all depends on his belief system, how he was raised, and his current financial situation. If you find out that your personal belief system about how men and women should split the bills on dates doesn’t match with his, perhaps this is where the relationship ends.
Communicate. If you continue to date this gentleman, there may be a time when you feel it is right to discuss the financial aspect of dates. A conversation about how bills are split on dates helps both of you to understand what to expect. If this is going to be a lasting relationship, this may be the first of many difficult conversations about finances, and it is important to open the lines of communication from the very beginning.
Do What Works as a Couple. In this modern era of working women, there are a lot more options when it comes to paying for a date. Essentially, it’s about what works best for each individual couple. Perhaps you decide to take turns paying, or perhaps the man decides he always wants to pay. The key is to communicate about money, so that there are no hard feelings.
General Dating Etiquette for Women
Although the financial aspect of dating has changed drastically in recent decades, it is just one aspect of dating etiquette. Here is some more general etiquette advice for women going out on dates:
Give Him a Chance. You may have had a long week at work, and you may be tired of the dating scene, but if you have agreed to go out on a date, you need to put your best foot forward. The man you are going out with may have been looking forward to this date all week, and perhaps had to step out of his comfort zone to ask you out. Have a good attitude and an open mind while you are on the date. You could end up having the night of your life.
Dress to Impress. You may not feel like dressing up or trying to impress your date, but he may be expecting more than jeans and an old t-shirt. If a man is buying you a nice dinner or dressing up for you, show your appreciation by freshening up before you go on your date. It is a nice gesture, especially since men really enjoy seeing the woman they are taking out all dressed up.
Arrive on Time. Unfortunately, women are known for being late. Show your date respect by arriving on time. If you know you will be running behind, call ahead to let your date know. That way, he is not wondering if you have bailed. Don’t Talk About Old Relationships. There is no bigger turnoff than a woman talking about her old boyfriends. If you say something positive about an old boyfriend, it shows that you admire him and may still have feelings for him. On the other hand, if you say something negative, how does your date know that you won’t do the same to him?
Don’t Dominate the Conversation. Another turnoff is when someone dominates the conversation, so make sure you give the man a chance to talk about himself. That is also the only way you will get to know him.
Don’t Talk About Marriage or Children. If you talk about marriage or children, you may come off as too desperate, and it may scare your date away. Show your date some respect by avoiding a pushy subject, such as marriage, too early in your relationship.
Don’t Drink Too Much. First of all, if the man is paying, he will pay for all your drinks, which will quickly add up on the bill. Secondly, you don’t want to come off as though you have a drinking problem, which may be a red flag for the man. Most importantly, you need to make sure you are thinking straight. If you are out on a first date with a man you do not know, you do not want to make yourself vulnerable by having too much to drink.
Be Interested in Him. You may not find his profession as an accountant or computer programmer riveting, but make eye contact and show him that you are interested in what he has to say. Hopefully he will show the same respect for you. Don’t Play Games. It takes courage for a man to step out of his comfort zone and ask out a woman, so be honest and straightforward with him. Don’t play games by acting as though you are interested in him, or not interested in him.
Don’t Chase Him. Don’t rush the relationship or try to move along the relationship at an uncomfortable pace. Let the man be the pursuer, and wait for him to contact you. Women are sometimes ready to express their feelings much earlier in their relationships than men are, so don’t pressure him to express his feelings prematurely.
Be Honest. Don’t give the guy the runaround if you know it is not going to work out, and don’t avoid the subject of a second date if you need to tell him that you won’t be going on one. Be honest, and do it at the end of the first date or soon after. That way, he doesn’t get his hopes up and expect a second date.
End the Date if Necessary. If the date is going on too long, and you are ready to go home, it’s okay if you end the date. Just say that you are ready to call it a night. If you do not plan on going on a second date, don’t hint that a second date is a possibility. There is no reason to carry on the date through coffee and dessert if it is miserable and not going anywhere. Your date may appreciate your honesty, and the end to a rough night.
The most important piece of dating etiquette for a woman is to be respectful of the man you are dating. Be respectful of how you treat him, and be respectful of his wallet if he is paying. If you respect him, he will respect you, and hopefully that will lead to a long and happy relationship together, lasting much longer than a few dinner dates! What are your thoughts on dating etiquette for women? Should women pay for dinner on the first date?
In a time when ghosting after a first date happens more often than not, it can seem like a modern miracle to even get asked on a second date. Unfortunately, though, not every first date can (or should) lead to a second date. If you find yourself thinking "Should I go on a second date?", chances are there might be a few things holding you back.
A lot can ride on the second date: It's the prime time to see if there's any actual potential with a new partner. While it can be flattering to think someone wants to move forward with you, it's important to honestly reflect on the first date and ask yourself if it was really promising or just meh. While not every date can be filled with figurative fireworks — and truthfully many first dates are mediocre at best — it's still worth thinking hard about who deserves more time in your already busy schedule.
That's not to mention that dates can be costly — emotionally and monetarily — so it's not always in your best interest to agree to every single second date offer you receive. It might be painful to have to reject someone who's eager to see you again, but also consider that it will only be harder to end things after TWO dates instead of just one.
I didn't read all the articles, sorry. However, I don't mind giving you any advice or pointers based on my own experiences with online dating. While reading can be helpful, be careful not to entrap yourself with overthinking the dating world, it's not called "the game" for nothing. Learning or honing good communication skills can go alot farther than any bs datebook or website. Practice your listening skills too, you can do this at work or with your friends. Practice giving feedback, asking questions, remember to be mindful of personal disclosure during the first and second dates. Too much info, in other words, can overwhelm anyone. Try to keep a positive attitude and not be a complainer. Bitching about your job or ex's can be a red flag to someone.
Thanks for giving the time to give your advice. I appreciate the effort.
And i understand how terribly long reading all those articles would take. So i don't mind it at all if you only read a few.
I guess you're right about trying to improve my communication skills. I don't really get to practice much though, since i usually avoid having contact with most people. I think it's probably habit and preference at the same time. I dunno what's wrong with me. Maybe my desire to change and socialize more isn't that great. Or maybe i have other distractions that take up most of my time. So i'm not really setting/giving enough time for my social life.
I'm really not sure what info is appropriate enough for me to give. So i guess most of the time, i might be giving too much unnecessary info about me or vice versa (asking too much info about others.)
Given my pessimistic attitude, i think i also tend to stray into negative topics and info about myself....hmmm...thanks for making me realize some of the things i'm doing wrong.
Please feel free to give any more advice that you think i need to know , follow, or consider.
Doing and saying the wrong things most of the time 24/7. Being me means having to endure people not liking me.