Random Quote Thread

[alwaysalone]

buzzz said:

...commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit left chocolate eggs in the night. Now, I wonder why we’re fucked up as a race. Anybody got any idea? You know, I’ve read the Bible. I can’t find the word "bunny" or "chocolate" anywhere in the fucking book. Where do they come up with this shit? Why not "goldfish left Lincoln logs in your sock drawer?" As long as you’re making shit up - you know - go hog-wild. At least the goldfish with a Lincoln log on its back going across your carpet has some miraculous connotations: "Mom, today I found a Lincoln log in my sock drawer!" "That’s the story of Jesus."

- Bill Hicks

re: The Bible and Easter - actually, the only place you'll find the word "Easter" is in Acts 12:4 And it is a mistranslation from "Pascha" - which means "Passover". (Check Strong's Exhaustive Concordance) Christ never kept Easter, nor did his disciples, nor the Apostle Paul.

[phoenixferret]

alwaysalone said:

buzzz said:

...commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit left chocolate eggs in the night. Now, I wonder why we’re fucked up as a race. Anybody got any idea? You know, I’ve read the Bible. I can’t find the word "bunny" or "chocolate" anywhere in the fucking book. Where do they come up with this shit? Why not "goldfish left Lincoln logs in your sock drawer?" As long as you’re making shit up - you know - go hog-wild. At least the goldfish with a Lincoln log on its back going across your carpet has some miraculous connotations: "Mom, today I found a Lincoln log in my sock drawer!" "That’s the story of Jesus."

- Bill Hicks

re: The Bible and Easter - actually, the only place you'll find the word "Easter" is in Acts 12:4 And it is a mistranslation from "Pascha" - which means "Passover". (Check Strong's Exhaustive Concordance) Christ never kept Easter, nor did his disciples, nor the Apostle Paul.

It was a joke...

[Buzzz]

paulthequiet said:

"I'm a postmodern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically."

LOL! I'm going to start saying that.

To celebrate the (eventual) return of Futurama:

Fry: "I'm having one of those things...you know, a headache with pictures..."
Leela: "An idea?"

"You disgust me. Go on."

"I'm gonna build my own theme park! With blackjack, and hookers! In fact, forget the park!"

[wagnerr]

"There's nothing else in the universe more like a cloud than a cloud." Drover, a very famous Texan philosopher.

"One's respect for the law makes the peace." Octavio Paz, 1962.

"One reaches a pure transcendent state of mind when one goes out walking and falls into a hole." Aeschylus.

"Life is like a swiss cheese; it becomes more precious with age." Garfield.

"My advice to you is get to get married. If you find a good wife, you'll be happy. If not, you'll become a philosopher." Aristotle.

[wagnerr]

alwaysalone said:

buzzz said:

...commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit left chocolate eggs in the night. Now, I wonder why we’re fucked up as a race. Anybody got any idea? You know, I’ve read the Bible. I can’t find the word "bunny" or "chocolate" anywhere in the fucking book. Where do they come up with this shit? Why not "goldfish left Lincoln logs in your sock drawer?" As long as you’re making shit up - you know - go hog-wild. At least the goldfish with a Lincoln log on its back going across your carpet has some miraculous connotations: "Mom, today I found a Lincoln log in my sock drawer!" "That’s the story of Jesus."

- Bill Hicks

re: The Bible and Easter - actually, the only place you'll find the word "Easter" is in Acts 12:4 And it is a mistranslation from "Pascha" - which means "Passover". (Check Strong's Exhaustive Concordance) Christ never kept Easter, nor did his disciples, nor the Apostle Paul.

That's just a failure of the English language for not becoming Latin enough.

Perhaps we should all go back and learn Latin again, just like people used to do. Then, world communication would truly become a reality.

[Paulinus]

Peter Kay quotes:


"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me"

"I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."

"Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way."

"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers"

"You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither"

[gSteve]

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'.
-Chris Rock

[Paulinus]

From Father Ted. Dougles description of "The beast":


Dougal: I'm not surprised Ted. If I was a sheep. I'd be watching my back right now.

Ted: Why?

Dougal: Because of the beast. They say it's as big as four cats, and it's got a retractable leg so as it can leap up at you better, and you know what Ted, it lights up at night, and it's got four ears. Two of them are for listening and the other two are kind of back-up ears, and it's claws are as big as cups, and for some reason it's got a tremendous fear of stamps. and Mrs. Doyle was tellin' me that it's got magnets on it's tail so's if you're made out of metal it can attach itself to you, and instead of a mouth it's got four arses.

<And later in the episode>

Dougal: And some of his ears are on the inside of his head and when he yawns it sounds like Liam Neeson chasing a load of hens around inside a barrel.

[urbanspaceman]

Sorry, but I'm going to have to continue with comedy quotes:

RED DWARF

White Hole

Kryten: "Well, Space Core Directive 195 clearly states that in an emergency power situation, a holo-grammatic crew member must lay down his life in order that the living crew members might survive."

Rimmer: "Yes, but Rimmer Directive 271 states just as clearly, "No chance you metal bastard." "

Rimmerworld

Cat: "There's an old Cat saying: ‘ If you're gonna eat tuna, expect bones.’ "

Rimmer: "There's an old human saying: ‘ If you're gonna talk garbage, expect pain.’ "

Timeslides

Rimmer: "You know, I stand here now and I look at the two of us, and I ask one simple question: Who is the rich man? You, with your fifty-eight houses, your private island in the Bahamas, your multi-billion pound business empire; or me, with . . . with . . . with what, I've got . . . it's you isn't it?"

[theinfiniteabyss84]

Red Dwarf?? Oh, thats a British show, isnt it?

Here are two quotes from David Sedaris' book "Dress Your Family in Cordoury and Denim"

"One of us should get hit by a car," I said. " That would teach both of them" I pictured Gretchen, her life hanging by a thread as my parents paced the halls of Rex Hospital, widhing they had been more attentive. It was really the perfect solution. With her out of the way, the rest of us would be more valuable and have a bit more room to spread out. "Gretchen go lie in the street."
"Make Amy do it."
Amy, in turn, pushed it onto Tiffany, who is the youngest and had no concept of death. "Its like sleeping," we told her. "Only you get a canopy bed."


"He spoke in the same tone he used when promising ice cream. 'Who's up for something sweet?' he'd ask, and we'd pile into the car, passing the Tastee Freeze and driving to the grocery store, where he'd buy a block of pus colored ice milk reduced for quick sale."

~i.a.

[Orionation]

"Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other. "
-- Ronald Reagan

"That's George Washington, the first president, of course. The interesting thing about him is that I read three — three or four books about him last year. Isn't that interesting?"
—George W. Bush

[Samantha]

I'll throw in some Peep Show quotes, the italics are thought in their head rather than spoken:

"Yeah you won't be so cocky Jeff when I come into the office with a Kalashnikov and 200 rounds of ammunition"

"Dancing?.... yes dancing...... I love dancing... Except it makes me look like a coma victim being stood up and zapped with a cattle prod

"Me?... totally... eh...this looks... cool" I've walked into my own personal nightmare. Must remain non-uptight for Sophie. Even if they make me play trust exercises with their genitals

I'm not really here, it's research. I'm Louis Theroux, I'm Louis Theroux!

"Who needs romance when you're doing it up the bum?"

No, if I want to act relaxed it's gonna take all my cunning, skill and concentration

"Money's an energy and err lots of it has always flowed towards me. Especially after my parents died."

This is good. This is like watching a porno except I can't see anything. I haven't got a hard on and I want to cry.

Oh God she is just so lovely and she doesn't even realise it. Probably no ones ever told her. I should tell her... no don't tell her. If she realises I'm finished!

"No way Jeremy. Right now April's probably getting chatted up by some student who's also worked out she has the magical combo of beauty and low self esteem."

Brilliant. Probably looked like I was ready to punch him. When actually I was about to use the Bhuddist as a human shield.

[gSteve]

Heres some quotes from one of the greatest sitcoms, Blackadder

Blackadder - "A man may fight for many things. His country, his friends, his principles, the glistening ear on the cheek of a golden child. But personally, I'd mud-wrestle my own mother for a ton of cash, an amusing clock and a sack of French porn. "

Queenie: " If we went around punishing people for being stupid, Nursie would have been in prison all her life. "

Blackadder: "They do say, Mrs M, that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain. They are, of course, wrong, as you will soon discover when I stick this toasting fork into your head."

Blackadder: "Personally I thought you were the least convincing female impressionist since Tarzan went through Jane's handbag and ate her lipstick, but I'm clearly in a minority. "

Blackadder: "Give the likes of Baldrick the vote and we'll be back to cavorting druids, death by stoning and dung for dinner. "

Blackadder: "We're about as similar as two completely dissimilar things in a pod. "

Melchett: "If nothing else works, a total pig-headed unwillingness to look facts in the face will see us through. "

Blackadder: Baldrick, have you no idea what irony is?
Baldrick: Yes, it's like goldy and bronzy only it's made out of iron.

Blackadder: "We're in the stickiest situation since Sticky the Stick Insect got stuck on a sticky bun. "

Blackadder: “You wouldn't know a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a harpsichord singing 'Subtle Plans Are Here Again.'”

Lord Flashhart: "Why do you wear no underpants? Because the pants haven't been built that will take the job on!"

Melchett to Baldrick: "Ready to give the French a damn good licking?"
Capt. Darling: "I believe it is the Germans that we will be licking, sir."
Melchett: "Don't be disgusting, Darling! I wouldn't lick a German if he was coated in honey!"

Lord Flasheart: "Always treat your kite the way you treat your woman."
George: "How do you mean sir? Take it home on the weekends to meet your mother?"
Lord Flasheart: "No, I mean get inside her 5 times a day and take her to heaven and back!"

George: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do ?"
Blackadder: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."

Blackadder "He's mad...He's MAD! He's madder than "Mad Jack" McMadd the winner of last year's "Mr. Madman" competition."

[gSteve]

more from Blackadder

Flash: Woof! Nursie! I like it firm and fruity! Am I pleased to see you, or did I just put a canoe in my pocket?!

Flash: She's got a tongue like an electric eel, and she likes the taste of a man's tonsils!


Percy: Oh, yes, I touched her once.
Blackadder: You touched her what?
Percy: Once, in the corridor.
Blackadder: I've never heard it called that before.

Blackadder: Well, we in the Adder Party are going to fight this campaign on issues, not personalities.
Vincent Hanna: Why is that?
Blackadder: Because our candidate doesn't have a personality.

Blackadder: I want to be remembered when I'm dead. I want books written about me. I want songs sung about me. And then, hundreds of years from now, I want episodes of my life to be played out weekly at half past nine by some great heroic actor of the age.
Baldrick: Yeah, and I could be played by some tiny tit in a beard.
Blackadder: Quite.


Blackadder: I spy with my bored little eye… something beginning with 'T'.
Baldrick: Breakfast!
Blackadder: What?!
Baldrick: My breakfast always begins with tea. Then, I have a little sausage. Then, a egg with some little soldiers.
Blackadder: Baldrick, when I said it begins with 'T', I was talking about a letter.
Baldrick: Nooo, it never begins with a letter! The postman don't come 'til 10:30.
Blackadder: I can't go on with this. George, take over.
George: All right, sir. Um… I spy with my little eye… something beginning with 'R'.
Baldrick: Army!
Blackadder: For God's sake, Baldrick! 'Army' starts with an 'A'. He's looking for something that starts with an 'R'. Rrrrrrrr!
Baldrick: Motorbike!
Blackadder: What?
Baldrick: A motorbike starts with a 'Rrrrrrrrmmm'! Rrrrrrrr…
Blackadder: All right! Right, right, right! My turn again. What begins with 'Come here' and ends with 'Ow'?
Baldrick: I don't know.
Blackadder: Come here.
[Baldrick steps closer. Blackadder punches him in the face.]
Baldrick: Ooh!
Blackadder: Well done.


Darling: Look, I'm as British as Queen Victoria!
Blackadder: So, your father's German, you're half-German, and you married a German?


Darling: You'll regret this, Blackadder! You better find the real spy, or I'll make it very hard for you!
Blackadder: Please, Darling, there are ladies present.


Baldrick: I heard that it started when a bloke called Archie Duke shot an ostrich 'cuz he was hungry.
Blackadder: I think you mean it started when the Archduke of Austro-Hungary got shot.
Baldrick: No, there was definitely an ostrich involved, sir.
Blackadder:Well possibly. But the real reason for the whole thing is that it would be too much effort not to have a war... you see, Baldrick, in order to prevent a war in Europe, two super blocs developed: us, the French and the Russians on one side, and the Germans and Austro-Hungary on the other. The idea was to have two vast, opposing armies, each acting as the other's deterrent. That way, there could never be a war.
Baldrick:Except, well, this is sort of a war, isn't it?
Blackadder:That's right, there was one tiny flaw in the plan.
George:Oh, what was that?
Blackadder:It was bollocks.

[alwaysalone]

On Listening (an excerpt)

.....Listen! All I asked was that you listen; not talk or do--just hear me . . . I can do for myself. I'm not helpless. Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless. When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and feeling of inadequacy. But when you accept as fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you and can get about the business of understanding what's behind this irrational feeling. And when that's clear, the answers are obvious and I don't need advice.

Ralph Roughton, M.D.