How ya feeling?

[Placido]

What's your general emotional state these days?

For years I was untroubled by shyness - by convincing myself I was contented within my shrunken little world, that I didn't really need a lot of friends or any sort of intimacy, I could glide quite serenely through life.

But over the summer I caught the merest glimpse of what an intimate relationship could be like (long story, for another time...), and after that there was no going back - I had to climb up the long hard mountain path of change, so I could enjoy all the things that 'normal' people do..

Nowadays my username seems more ironic by the day - most of all there's a seething discontent and impatience, and an anger at myself and my shyness for allowing myself to become so stunted.

I'm maybe a quarter of the way up the mountain, and already the valley I came from seems like a gloomy lonely place I can't return to. But the rest of the mountain seems so much to climb sometimes - all I can do is think about the next step, the next little triumph....

Sometimes there's elation when I get to know another person who I'd never even thought of speaking to before, sometimes there's despair when I sit in a group unable to contribute anything and feeling an outsider.

I've just had to accept that it could be months or even longer before I can return to any sort of contentment, when my comfort zone has expanded to embrace the full range of normal human behaviour. Oh well...

I think I just need to get laid, actually...

[Naptaq]

well welcome to the club Placido.. and yah well im still maybe in that stage where "i just wanna get laid" but having a female friend will do too

[CaryGrant]

I'm with you, Placido. I know I could be so much more, yet there is a fear holding me back. The shrinks have traced it back to childhood loss (where else), resulting in a fear that anything I hope for will be ripped away. Knowing this hasn't really helped that much thus far.

And like you, there's no turning back. While I can visualise myself as successful in my chosen field, and having a circle of friends, and a fabulous mate...that fear keeps cropping up in different ways to sabotage things - and make me feel worse about myself, if I let it.

As you say, I have had to accept that I may not overcome this fear overnight, but as long as progress is being made...there is hope.

[InmanRoshi]

The worst thing about being isolated and alone is there is no reprieve from life's little disasters. If I have a shitty day at work, as everyone does, there is no getting away from it. My coworkers go back home to their families and life, and through the solace of the loved ones and the people that care about them, they find the courage to wake up the next morning and face the next possible shitty day at work. And when they feel like they're not smart enough or not capable enough, their lovely wives tell them "Don't be silly honey. You're an incredible and intelligent man. I believe in you."

I have my shitty day at work, go home, grab a bite to eat ... dwell at how shitty the day was with nothing to distract me from it, there's no one to protect me from staying up all night and pummeling myself into the ground ... and I prepare for tommorrow ... my next shitty day at work, to start the process all over again.

Its no wonder things begin to tailspin so badly.

[CaryGrant]

InmanRoshi - some people go home and have an already bad day made worse - or a good one ruined - by their "loving" wife!

[Some Guy]

Oh My God I can so relate to everything being said in this post. I'd love to get laid or have some female friends too, but neither are very likely at the moment. I can't really see how I am going to change though, i don't know what steps to take to become "normal". I was actually fairly content myself until earlier this year when it really started to squeeze me and i finished college and have become more lonely, but as for changing, im not really sure how to achieve that.

[Placido]

Hmmm, I think I was feeling a tad melodromatic last week....

As for changing, Adrian, you could do a lot worse than read everything CaryGrant has ever posted here, and see how he's managing it. Essentially it's all about small steps - every few days or so, so something you've never done before - start a convo with someone you've hitherto felt intimidated by, for example. Pick something that's not too far beyond what your comfortable with, but just a little, and get comfortable doing that, then move on to another thing.

The first step I took, 3 months ago now, was to start addressing people by name when I said hello - for some reason I'd never felt comfortable doing that, so it seemed like a good place to start. Then once I got used to that, I identified a couple of people in the office who weren't too scary, and made a point of asking them how their day had been, or whatever, a couple of times a week. And so on, till now I have at least one or two conversations a day and don't even think twice about it.

So that's progress - still a long way off, and there always lapses where I lose the will for a few days, but it's getting there.

[CaryGrant]

Thanks, Placido!

Read what he is saying: push yourself to take small steps, keep doing it, and after awhile you "don't even think twice about it"! Then you move on to the next small step. That's what I'm doing too, and I'm gradually feeling more like I may actually be part of the human race.