hi new here...

[justagirl85]

Hi out there....i'm shy and kinda depressed about how i am so i was lookin online for somethin and i saw this so i'll give it a try and post my prob.

I have been shy all of my life. It's really frustrating and lonely. I have 3 good friends and 2 of them i've had since 4th grade (im a freshman in college). Its hard for me to make friends because if people dont come to me i assume they just dont want to be my friend. Does anyone else feel that way? Like i think, why bother trying to be friends with them, if they were interested, they'd try to be my friend. And i even doubt current friendships (why does she like hanging out with me? etc...im afraid people are going to get sick of me and leave) Same goes with guys. Ive only had one boyfriend and im almost 19. I know thats not THAT big a deal but it is quite lonely over here!

I just have a problem opening up to people in general. Even family. When i was younger i think it was mostly to do with my appearance. But now that ive improved in that area ive found something else to stop me. My self confidence is just ZERO. I feel like everything i say is stupid and nobody cares. And if i get rejected once then im crushed for the longest time. I cover my insecurites by making jokes and then people dont know when to take me seriously and i dont even know when to take myself seriously.

I have major probs with making eye contact. I just cant do it. Not even with close friends. I always look away. Or sometimes when theyre talking i'll listen but as soon as i start talking i put my head down and talk into the floor or at the sky or wherever. Parties are impossible for me to relax at unless i drink a little bit. Then i open up right away. I FEAR presentations at school. I have to prepare forever and try to memorize every word i say because i freak out and my mind goes blank. I shake uncontrollably and my legs get weak. I swear, im more scared of presentations than DEATH. Isnt that wrong? Well i could go on and on about everything to do with my insecurities but i think i'll stop for now.

What is the reason you people are shy (if you know)? Is it b/c of appearance, fear of being stupid, making a mistake?

[Boblouie58]

Hi..Justagirl- I posted on here in soem area that I felt I was the most shy person ever. Well, you seem to be going thru ALL the same things I had to deal with. I can assure you..you will get over most of your insecurities but you will definitely have to work on it every day.
I too wouldn't have anything to do with anyone unless they approached me. But hey!, it took me a year or so to realize, I was only hurting myself, as most college kids are still searching themselves to find out how they feel about other people. Most college kids have never been away from home and its a learning process to deal with student strangers versus your parents or other adults. It can be overcome. I know its hard but like I said, I have been in your shoes and I got thru this greatest shy period in my life.
The more you wait for those other girls or guys to approach you, the farther they will leave you alone. Remember, neither they or you are mind readers, thus if you want a friend(s) then you may have to get yourself up..and force yourself to try and make a new friend each day until you have 30 new friends. The more people you get to know, then they get to know you.

Try and keep your head up and look around. Even if you feel very shy about this, you will be doing the right thing. Try to smile at one of the people you would like to get to know. Smiling is a very good form of communication as is eye contact. Hope you post again or join this site to allow others who are shy to respond to you direct. I know I will, as I have been all over life dealing with my shyness issues.

BobL

[Placido]

One boyfriend at 19?

I'm 30 and I've never had a girlfriend, and yet I think of myself as attractive and intelligent - in a way it's good that you're having all this angst now, because it means you will change. I was always too complacent, until recently, to realise that anything was wrong at all - content within my little shrivelled world.

I was imprisoned by fear, but I didn't know it, because I gave 'fear' different names - 'contentment', 'not the sort of thing I'd go for', 'it's fun to be single', 'it's OK once I've had a bit to drink', 'what's on telly'.

It's odd how you can experience fear and get so used to it you're not even scared.

Please, please, use your time in college to grow all you can, when you have daily contact with large numbers of people of both sexes - my god, I wish I had. Opportunities shrink as you get older.

I swear, im more scared of presentations than DEATH. Isnt that wrong?

No, because death is a very abstract thing to most youngish people (and I include myself there - I'm not scared of death, because I don't think about it) - there's nothing wrong with you in that regard.

Well, I don't know much about you to help with your self confidence, but you are literate, articulate and intelligent, that much is obvious from your writing. Anything you say in conversation will be as good as what most people will have to say, so just bloody well blurt it out, why don't you?

And a word of warning about the drinking - enjoy it by all means, but never come to rely on it to be relaxed. That set me back about ten years. That's a lot of life to lose.

Well, I wish I could help more, but I'm only starting to emerge as a person, and I feel like I'm pacing around like a caged lion right now - I'm probably more use at telling you things you shouldn't do than things you should!

[spitzig]

You might look for clubs or other interest groups at your school or locally. If there is an interest that you know you have in common with people, this may give you courage in talking to them. Ask them, what they thought about X, or tell them your opinion of it. Also, a lot of these groups meet regularly and certain people come to most of them. See them enough times, and you will get more comfortable with them. Or, they will get more comfortable with you. Or, some of them will happen to talk to you at some point.

Everyone I've heard of having a problem with shyness, it seems to be based in low self-esteem. I've heard this is not always the case, though. Other basises don't make sense in my understanding of shyness. Most people have low self-confidence problems, too. Me, I'm not confident about general social skills, notably small talk, how to start conversations, or start new threads in conversations with people I don't know. I tend to think this makes me uninteresting in conversations with most people.

Statistics have shown that MOST people are more scared of public speaking than death. People are usually advised to use note cards, or something during presentations. These days, Powerpoint is popular. With it, the audience can read the "note cards" just like you are.

[glenn miller]

i have been shy all my life. i am 23. i have a hard time with presetations to. i forget what i want to say and start to feel sick. and i have a hard time to keep eye contact. i have a hard time with interviews to. to keep eye contact. i dont have many friends. since i was little. i understand how u r.

[flensborg]

Hi Justagirl85,

Guest-justagirl85 said:

Hi out there....i'm shy and kinda depressed about how i am so i was lookin online for somethin and i saw this so i'll give it a try and post my prob.

Do you realize that what you are doing with posting to this forum show that you have guts and that you are also a courageous person?

Not everybody would have dared to post their thoughts and feelings out in the open - free for anyone to see, but you did and for that I for one consider you a very special person.

Its hard for me to make friends because if people dont come to me i assume they just dont want to be my friend. Does anyone else feel that way?

What if they feel the same and never approach you because they don't think you want to be their friends?

You could both be missing out on some fantastic relationships and the only way for you to find out is to take that step yourself.

When you take that step you will find out if they want to be friends with you or not.

Some will want to be your friends and others won't.

Those who didn't want to become your friends won't know what they will be missing, but maybe you just weren't meant to be friends at this moment in your lives.

Let's say you ask 10 people and they all say no except two.

Have you lost 8 friends? - No, you have gained two.

You know, I recently read an interview where they talked about a salesman and the president of a company.

The secretary told the salesman that he couldn't go into the presidents office because he didn't have an appointment.

"What will happen if I do?" he asked.

"He'll kick you out of the office" the secretary replied.

What did the salesman do?

He went straight into the office because he reasoned:

"If I go in and I'm rejected I'll end up in the front office"

"Right now I'm *in* the front office"

"So I can't end up in a poorer situation than the one I'm in right now"

And i even doubt current friendships (why does she like hanging out with me? etc...im afraid people are going to get sick of me and leave)

But she is hanging out with you, so she must be getting something from your friendship.

You are giving her something (you might not even know what it is) and she is enjoying it (even if she's totally clueless as to why she likes hanging out with you)

The important thing to remember is that whatever you think she thinks about you is nothing but guesswork.

It's ideas and thoughts that you have created yourself without asking anybody if they are really true - so you also have the power to discard those ideas and create new ideas and thoughts that are supporting you in thinking less and less of yourself as being shy.

Same goes with guys. Ive only had one boyfriend and im almost 19.

I was 19 when I met my wife and I never had a girlfriend before that because I was too shy to ask.

I feel like everything i say is stupid and nobody cares.

I'd like to challenge that belief and give you a simple tool you can use whenever you find yourself saying 'everything', 'always', 'nobody', 'everybody', nothing' and 'never' if that's ok with you.

It's what's known as a limiting belief and it's so important to get rid of those kind of ideas.

And remember that all of these questions are meant for you to use as a tool to work on the 'way' you have been thinking and that they are not directed at who you 'are'

So, here we go.

Can you think of just one thing that you once said that wasn't stupid?

When you say "nobody cares" do you then mean all the people in the world?

Can you think of just one thing that you once said that at least one person cared about?

Can you prove to me that nobody cares?

Can you prove to me that everything you say is stupid?

Is there a universal definition for "stupid" that can be used to judge everything you say?

After answering these questions do you then still believe that "I feel like everything i say is stupid and nobody cares."

And if i get rejected once then im crushed for the longest time.

I was rejected by a girl when I was about 14 years old in front of all the guys and girls in my class, and it wasn't until I was 19 that I got over the fear of rejection.

So if I can get over my fears so can you - and you have already demonstrated by posting here that you are capable of crossing your former circle of confidence.

I cover my insecurites by making jokes and then people dont know when to take me seriously and i dont even know when to take myself seriously.

In my yearbook it said that "Henrik is really quiet, but when he says something it's usually funny"

I used to joke as well and I used a lot of irony.

Looking back now I realize that the irony were just a 'front' that I put up - and it was 'safe' because I coud hide my real thoughts and feelings behind irony and nobody would really know what I meant and so they couldn't 'get' to me.

I have major probs with making eye contact. I just cant do it. Not even with close friends. I always look away. Or sometimes when theyre talking i'll listen but as soon as i start talking i put my head down and talk into the floor or at the sky or wherever.

Maybe somebody (unintentionally) taught you this behaviour by saying "It's not polite to stare at people"

Have you tried looking at the space right between their eyes or at their forehead instead?

People can't tell if you are looking at their eyes or at the space between their eyes, so they will assume that you are very present in your conversation.

Parties are impossible for me to relax at unless i drink a little bit.

But isn't that what parties are about when you're young? (I'm from a country with a very liberal alchohol policy, and I could be politically incorrect here, but I'm in no way condoning or encouraging getting plastered)

I swear, im more scared of presentations than DEATH. Isnt that wrong?

Actually that would make you just like the rest of us. A recent study showed that fear of presentations or speaking in public was at the top of the list while death only came in 6th (if I remember correctly)

I FEAR presentations at school. I have to prepare forever and try to memorize every word i say because i freak out and my mind goes blank. I shake uncontrollably and my legs get weak.

How many presentations have you done on subjects that you really knew everything about?

There are lots of stuff available on presentation skills that you should consider looking into.

Just one good website and you could have all the tools and techniques for making your presentations as easy as imaginable.

I don't know about your school, but I was never taught how to do a presentation in school.

I would get an assignment and I would have access to all the knowledge needed to make the assignment, but nobody told us anything about 'how' to present it.

Finally I have a quote about fear:

"Never let the fear of failure become the cause of failure"

[justagirl85]

hey guys,

thanks for all your help, it's made me realize i'm not the only one out there with these issues if nothing else...i just dont know where to start with trying to fix my shy problem. I'm not even sure if its just shy, or something more serious like social anxiety or antisocialness...b/c a lot of times i'd rather be alone than trying to deal with people and making conversation...but then when i see people together socializing and i'm by myself, i feel left out and sad...so i cant be antisocial right? Well anyway, i know some people have said the first step to try to overpower shyness is by finding a person and smile at them. Well i have tried that but it doesnt do anything. I dont see how it helps. I gotta work on my eye contact too....but is there anything else? I gotta work on my self confidence part the most because...seriously....there is NOTHING about myself that i like...physically at least...even though i guess im not that bad looking...i can find a flaw with EVERYTHING...you name it...Should i try to see a doc about it? i dunno how they could help since i can't open up to people, i wont be able to tell him/her my issues (telling people online is a lot easier). Thanks again! i love you guys already

[flensborg]

Hey Justagirl85,

Guest-justagirl85 said:

i just dont know where to start with trying to fix my shy problem.

Just start doing something - anything.

Don't wait until you have figured out the perfect way to get rid of all the feelings of shyness in one fell swoop.

Just pick one thing that you think could move you in the right direction and then just try it.

a lot of times i'd rather be alone than trying to deal with people and making conversation...

Do you think a lot about stuff? - thinking (beyond the trivial "what should I have for lunch?") require stillness, so it's understandable that sometimes you need to be alone - and if you think a lot you need to be alone a lot.

but then when i see people together socializing and i'm by myself, i feel left out and sad...so i cant be antisocial right?

I'm not a doctor or anything - I'm just a computerguy - but I don't think that you are antisocial at all.

Antisocial to me is a person that don't *wan't* to play by the same social rules as everybody else, they don't *wan't* to be considerate of other people and they have absolutely no shame or remorse about how they treat other people.

So by my definition you are completely the opposite of antisocial - you wan't to be a part of social communities and you care about what people think, so you are definately don't antisocial.

Well anyway, i know some people have said the first step to try to overpower shyness is by finding a person and smile at them. Well i have tried that but it doesnt do anything. I dont see how it helps.

I'd like to challenge that belief if I may.

Can you prove to me that none of the people you smiled at felt any different about you after you smiled?

Did you ask them?

Just because they don't immediately act differently towards you or smile back at you doesn't mean that your smile didn't affect them in any way.

If you keep smiling at people you meet they will eventually - when they are ready themselves - smile back at you.

seriously....there is NOTHING about myself that i like...physically at least...even though i guess im not that bad looking...i can find a flaw with EVERYTHING...you name it

Whoops, there were a few of those all-or-nothing words - you know the toxic ones that almost never are true at all.

There is a success quote that goes "You become what you think about most of the time" and it's something that it seems every motivational speaker or millionaire lives by this rule.

I believe in this as well - from personal experience.

When I got my first car I suddenly saw similar cars whereever I went.

When my wife was pregnant we starting noticing pregnant people all over the place.

And when the kids were born we saw baby strollers everywhere.

So begin to focus on the things that you like about yourself. Your openness in online forums, how well you write, the courage you have to share deeply personal issues with total strangers, your ability to recognize your feelings of shyness and your determination to do something about it - and when you begin to think about all the other things that are to be liked about you I'm sure you will come up with many more things yourself.

...Should i try to see a doc about it? i dunno how they could help since i can't open up to people, i wont be able to tell him/her my issues (telling people online is a lot easier).

Maybe it's a really good idea to build up more courage online than you already have shown you have and then see a doctor at some point in time when you feel you are ready for it.

Thanks again! i love you guys already

And your pressence here is also greatly appreaciated.

[CaryGrant]

Hi Justagirl,

Flensborg has given you some great advice. I know when I stopped letting myself use unversal words like "never," "all," "everybody," it helped me. I would catch myself "every" time I used one and find a counterexample or just realise the absurdness of it. Eg: I have "no" friends is a common belief, but, when I think about it, I actually do. I may have moved and left them behind, but I have made friends in the past, and these people liked and still like me. And my sister has been a good friend, etc.

Flensborg is also right when he says to pick one thing and start with that. You will find that your shyness/SA/whatever-it-is and your self-confidence will improve by doing the same things.

I wanted to add that persistence is important, because it takes repeated action to overcome your discomfort. For example, if you smile at one or two people, you may not notice any change in you or them. However, smile at 100 people, and gradually smiling at others becomes much easier for you to do - meaning you also give a more sincere smile and don't look down immediately afterwared - meaning you can see other's reactions better - meaning you'll get some smiles (at least) back.

[greedy_goddess]

Hello! *waves* welcome to the board.
Melisa

[Some Guy]

From one newbie to another: Hello

[greedy_goddess]

Hello Adrian! Cool name by the way. Okay i'm just whoring now. God I'm so bored! okay I'm going now.
Melisa

[Naptaq]

welcome to the board.. just a girl gosh i know how you fell with the eye contact thing and having a few friends "why do they like me?"
ur definetly not alone in this shyt that's for sure..oh yeah u niticed that already...holla people

[mere phantom]

Placido said:

I'm 30 and I've never had a girlfriend, and yet I think of myself as attractive and intelligent - in a way it's good that you're having all this angst now, because it means you will change. I was always too complacent, until recently, to realise that anything was wrong at all - content within my little shrivelled world.

Opportunities shrink as you get older.

I can so relate to those statements

[coopy]

Hi everyone

I am new here I love the site so far i am from ontario canada and would like to get to know people who are too