Crush on Shy Man

[Paige]

I guess I'll attempt to revive an old thread here. To luvmyshyguy - something like your post is exactly what I have been looking for.

I am currently in a situation with someone new that I believe is "persoal relationship shy". He is quite successful in his career and has plenty of friends - that are not intimate friends of the opposite sex.

I met him in mid September - and have since met him for a few days in other states at industry events. We both do the same thing - but in different states - and live in different states.

He invited me to the past two events and we had a great time together. I call him about twice a week to keep in touch - he has only called me a couple of times. I am often at the point wondering if I should continue the phone calls - or hold off and see how long it would be before he would call me, but I never do. When I do call - he always answers his cell phone - or calls me back right away - and always sounds happy that I called. Although - I don't think he would EVER say that.

I'm going to Vegas for my sister's wedding right before Christmas - I invited him and he immediately said yes. His ticket is already booked and our hotel room. Heck - he is even willing to meet my mother.

He has told me there were only two people he has ever met in his life that he would have married. One - well he was too young and the other one died of Lupus. I know people that have known him for years - and he hasn't been seen dating anyone. When I meet him at these events - he makes sure he introduces me to everyone he knows. He is 41 by the way.

I know this is long, but my question to shy people is - should I continue being the aggressor as far as the phonecalls and invitations go? As Venus wondered - when do you know it's shyness and when are they just not interested?

I'm trying to read the physical clues as I know I'm not going to hear the words - and I surely don't want to put any pressure on him.

[Mexico Traveler]

You have invited him to your sister's wedding in Vegas and you are wondering about continuing to phone him?
He said yes that he would come to Vega etc.

It appears to me he is interested in you as, if not he wouldn't have accepted. Go have a great time and see what happens. Just try to be yourself and if its right it will work out.

[Placido]

If this guy's anything like me, he's probably having a hard time believing anyone could actually like him!

[Chester8o5]

im gonna have to, as a shy guy myself, support rob on this one on all but the short skirt. if hes as shy as you say he is, that may scare him off. i used to be the same way. the girl, that i never did ask out, is now one of my best friends. i have to wonder where that would have gone had i asked her out. keep us all informed on it.
good luck

[CaryGrant]

Paige - ask him where he stands. Be upfront. You should get some good clues about where he stands from the way he responds as much as from what he says. You can do it gently, like asking if he sees you two as great friends or if there could be the possibility for more.

If the latter, you will want to explore whether he will loosen up and take more initiative, because if not, you will have to accept that you will always be the "aggressor." For example, you mentioned that he rarely calls and, would never tell you he's happy to talk to you. Could you live with that? If not, will he change?

He has given some signs: he invited you to two events, sounds happy when you call, shared intimate feelings with you, and he's meeting you in Vegas. Have you guys, been, ah, intimate, or has he made any moves that way? (You don't have to answer!)

[Paige]

Less than two weeks for the Vegas trip. I haven't talked to him since Thanksgiving (of course I called him). ;D I had sent a "non-mooshy" Thanksgiving card that just said I looked forward to seeing him in Vegas. I had to actually bring it up and asked if he received anything from me in the mail. I got the "oh yeah - a couple days ago - that was nice - it was funny." I was worried just the idea of sending a card may have freaked him out a bit - so I backed off calling. I left a voice message yesterday - nothing yet.

I did find out through the grapevine that ever since his girlfriend died he hasn't followed through on any relationships and rarely dated at all.

Ha! Ha! The "intimacy" question. It's easy to be brave on an anonymous board to total strangers isn't it? Hmmmm... what's the best way to put this? Everytime we have been together it's been a hook-up in another state - so we have shared a hotel room each time. It's definitely more than friends, there has been intimacy - although not fully consummated - if you know what I mean.

[CaryGrant]

I do! Sounds like you are going to have to have a heart-to-heart with him. Perhaps he needs to realise he's blowing a good thing here, and needs to get past what happened with his prior girlfriend? Or perhaps he's not ready to get past it?

[spitzig]

Paige said:

It's definitely more than friends, there has been intimacy - although not fully consummated - if you know what I mean.

Do you mean physical intimacy? That's not necessarily an indication of emotional intimacy. And, men are more likely to not require the second to get the first.

[Paige]

spitzig said:

Do you mean physical intimacy? That's not necessarily an indication of emotional intimacy. And, men are more likely to not require the second to get the first.

I interpreted Cary Grant's question as a reference to "physical" intimacy. I felt he was trying to understand if this has been simply "friends only" as in, am I being treated like he would treat his sister? I wanted Cary to understand it was more than that.

As far as your statement that men are more likely to not require the second than the first. Believe me you, I know that.

This guy is different that other ones I have met. That's one of the reasons I like him so much. He is very much a gentlemen and respectful and has not taken advantage of anything.

[spitzig]

What about the other kind of intimacy? He talked about his dating past a little. Talking about someone you love dying seems like it'd be emotional, but maybe it just came up.

Context might affect his reaction to the physical intimacy. It might make it so that he is less comfortable with the situation due to lack of familiarity. Messing around alters a relationship, and he might be unclear about its status. And, less comfortable due to this unstability.

As far as your statement that men are more likely to not require the second than the first. Believe me you, I know that.

Hey, just because we don't require the second doesn't mean we don't like it. Or, that we are rude about getting the first.

[Paige]

Well - I'm only about 48 hrs. from boarding the plane to Vegas. In the meantime - phonecalls have been few and far-between and rather short with the man that is really confusing me. How do you guys get so good at that?

Good news is, I talked to him yesterday - he was in good spirits and still planning on going. Only in my head was he possibly not going. Bad news is..... well.... I guess there isn't any yet. But I'm all ready for it if it rears it's ugly head! LOL!

I have convinced myself, I think, that I will get bold on this 4 day excursion and bring up some issues, point blank. What have I got to lose?

I'm hoping the bottles of wine (notice that is bottle(s) plural) I'm bringing for his birthday will help........ me and him! ;D

[Mexico Traveler]

Here's wishing you good luck on your Vegas time together. Sometimes its hard for some men to bring themselves into another relationship, when their previous love interest died. This is not to say that you can't change his mind. I would say go for it! and as you say, what do you have to lose. He may not realize that you are what he needs thus you making the opportunity to show him.

Keep us posted.