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Freedom
Dec 1, 2003 22:42:38 GMT -5
Post by moogle on Dec 1, 2003 22:42:38 GMT -5
I had an odd revelation a bit ago.. I have been depressed off and on for the last 6 years. I have also had 5 boyfriends over those 6 years, with little-to-no time in between them. My depression got worse if I was living with a boyfriend. Lately, I've been without a boyfriend. Actually, the last time I had physical contact with a guy was in early May, and guess what? I feel wonderful. I can't remember a time when I was this happy. Is this really strange? People often complain about being lonely, but I was always lonely when I was in a relationship.. Maybe it was just the guys I was with.. I get asked out a lot at work, and usually they're creeps, but once in a while, there's a nice guy that I feel bad about turning down, but I don't want to get sucked into this crap again. I'm not sure what to do about this.. I'm very bad at following my gut, so I try to work things out logically. I figure these are some of my options: - Turn down any suggestion of a future romantic relationship with anyone (not a favorite choice) - Enjoy myself now, and worry about dating if the happiness runs out - Make it a point to try out a girl next time
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Post by SADdaydreamer on Dec 2, 2003 1:30:42 GMT -5
It doesn't sound like you're in too big of a rush for a relationship right now so why rush it? Go with what you are comfortable with. Do you desire a relationship? love? maybe you had some really bad experiences or with the wrong guys, if so please don't pre judge us, we're not all jerks. I was going to start this by being smart ass and saying "A GIRL" as a j/k but I don't want to add to any possible annimosity u might have, lol. But if you like girls thats cool too. Ask yourself what you really want right now.
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Post by spitzig on Dec 2, 2003 4:13:23 GMT -5
Well, people are always saying "how can you love someone else if you don't love yourself?" I don't really see the problem with it, but I'm sure it would make the relationship better. And, if it's easier for you to work on that alone, it might be wiser. Also, you might try getting out of the relationships earlier. There's a saying about the loneliest place being a crowded room. It might be the same for dating-lonliness, at home with the wrong person. When did the lonliness with the guys set in? Well, I can say that girls definitely have their bonuses. I can't really compare to guys other than myself, though.
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Post by moogle on Dec 2, 2003 9:03:51 GMT -5
Also, you might try getting out of the relationships earlier. There's a saying about the loneliest place being a crowded room. It might be the same for dating-lonliness, at home with the wrong person. When did the lonliness with the guys set in? I was too blind to see that it was them making me depressed. I thought it was something else, and also thought the loneliness came from that. And I am happy being by myself right now, but I'd like to mentally prepare myself for what I might do in the future, because when I do go with the flow and follow my heart and [insert some cliché here], I end up in the wrong place, unhappy, and not realizing I am unhappy.
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Freedom
Dec 2, 2003 12:26:25 GMT -5
Post by CaryGrant on Dec 2, 2003 12:26:25 GMT -5
Moog - what is it about the guys you date that depresses you, exactly? Do they treat you badly, are they fun and outgoing and you feel like you are not, is it stressful because they want to talk/whatever, what?
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Freedom
Dec 2, 2003 15:57:39 GMT -5
Post by Boblouie58 on Dec 2, 2003 15:57:39 GMT -5
Moog- I would often go between relationships and sometimes would "do my own thing" for 6 months or so. Why rush it is a good statement. Not everyone is meant to have a full time love interest. I never tried a live-in so I can't say anything about that. Dating is basically to find if this is really what you want to do. Society puts pressure upon us that being with someone is better than being alone. I have many friends who are alone, in the sense, that they only date if and when they want to. This dating business is your choice and whatever you decide I'm sure will be right for you. It took me 38 years to "find what I consider the right one for me". If you want to wait and see where your heart leads you, then its a good idea to wait.
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Freedom
Dec 3, 2003 11:56:50 GMT -5
Post by moogle on Dec 3, 2003 11:56:50 GMT -5
Moog - what is it about the guys you date that depresses you, exactly? Do they treat you badly, are they fun and outgoing and you feel like you are not, is it stressful because they want to talk/whatever, what? The odd thing is, each guy was so different. Though, the two that caused the most depression were as follows: guy #1: He had some emotional problems, and maybe some psychological two. We dated for 4 years, and he would often get upset and I would cry, then he would cry. It was a mess. It mostly stemmed from problems with my dad, because they disliked each other. So, later I moved in with him, and the problem with my dad was gone because we were far away from him. But then, I don't really know what happened. I felt like I was being smothered and I think he felt that and he started getting depressed too and drinking too much (didn't really get drunk, but still..). So, I left. But I'm still friends with him. When I look back on it now, he was always a good guy, always nice to me, but it just didn't work out. guy #5: The biggest problems with this guy are easy to sum up. He was cold, distant, and could never talk about his feelings. Though, it seems he was the opposite of guy #1.. Ah, plus, at first it was a problem that he was more outgoing, and he HATED the fact that I was so shy. But I became friends with some of his friends, and then I don't think he liked that very much either.
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Freedom
Dec 3, 2003 11:57:13 GMT -5
Post by moogle on Dec 3, 2003 11:57:13 GMT -5
If you want to wait and see where your heart leads you, then its a good idea to wait. But I don't trust my heart anymore.. Oh well, I guess I'll burn that bridge when I come to it.
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Freedom
Dec 3, 2003 12:37:23 GMT -5
Post by CaryGrant on Dec 3, 2003 12:37:23 GMT -5
So that's how you get heartburn... ;D
Moogle - sounds like you've learned some things that do not work for you in relationships, so that's good. Guy #1 was smothering and had emotional issues, guy #2 sounds controlling to me. These are things you'll know to watch out for in the future. And, of course, there's your side of the relationship equation.
But your big question - how to keep from getting burned every time but in new ways? As someone who has been burned numerous times himself, I have eventually come to realise that:
1. There are no guarantees in relationships. 2. I have learned a huge amount about myself through relationships. 3. The only way to increase the likelihood of having a great relationship is to fix myself.
Thus I have been holding off on serious relationships while I work on me (this from someone who has made a habit of falling in love within a week or so of meeting someone, and then trying to escalate that to marriage or live together asap). I have finally reached the point where I could date casually while I continue to work on being more confident and outgoing - but I wouldn't let myself date until I got to this point.
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Freedom
Dec 5, 2003 19:58:00 GMT -5
Post by rcrespo on Dec 5, 2003 19:58:00 GMT -5
Moogle, I admire the fact that you can be content without being in a relationship. I wish I could. I have not had a relationship with a woman in 3 years.
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