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Post by shy_and_confused on Dec 31, 2003 2:58:30 GMT -5
Hello everyone, my first post on this site. Several things: 1> I am 35 and single. 2> I have had 1 real woman in my life and that was not for more than a year. Shes the one I lost "it" to. She was great and we split it off mutually because she was moving out of the area. I was also MUCH younger. 3> I have not had a REAL date in over 10 years. Yes, that means I have not had sex in that long either. Its very embarrasing and I can't belive I just posted that here. 4> I grew up a very small boy and always was picked on by the larger kids. By the time I got into high school I had learned I had HypoThyroidism www.endocrineweb.com/hypo1.html. I looked VERY young for my age and still do. I look like I am about 22-24 now. In HS I looked like I was 13 vs 16-18. That was VERY hard to get by. Especially with the bullies. 5> Never had a date going through school. 6> I have no problems talking to people for the first 3-5 minutes. Easier to talk to men. I can talk to women I dont find attractive as well. The problem. I cannot talk to women about anything more than a couple minutes. I get nervous. I feel I am wasting their time or I just run out of things to say. I don't know how to carry a conversation with them. My real problem. I have not dated in years or had sex in years. I am now 35 and WHAT woman would have an interest in a 35 yr old that has not lived his life yet? It causes alot of problems in my head and have no clue where to start or how to get it through my head I just have to start asking women out. This is tough and causes my depression to act up at least once a year. That is what has me online tonight looking for help. New Years Eve. I again will be spending it alone. However this time its because I have to work. So, how pathetic am I? Any feedback as to what to do? Thanks - BTW Have a happy NYE. |
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Post by CaryGrant on Dec 31, 2003 11:52:19 GMT -5
Pick up Bernardo Carducci's "Shyness: A Bold New Approach," in which he gives instructions on making small talk, including moving it into greater intimacy. Also, "Dating for the Shy Guy." If you look that young, you can hang out in bars. ;D Sorry, just trying to find the positive.... There are probably some shy women out there, too.  Try speed dating - you only have to talk to each woman for ~5 minutes, and you go through ~15 women. That'll give you some practice and may well result in dates. |
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Post by Boblouie58 on Dec 31, 2003 17:21:25 GMT -5
Life is certainly not over. I just visited with a 35 year old lawyers son in my hometown who can't find anyone to date so he goes to Dallas, Texas. Women/girls are not going "to beat a path to your door", thus you will need to go find them. Be it thru friends, joining groups in your community that do things that interest you, etc. Get out and get going.  will be NYE parties, so go out and get involved in one. Bras are places that "good girls" go looking for guys. Heck, go on the web and ask it how to find women...I can assure you the web has a lot of advice. Good luck as you venture out and look the girls and the world over.  |
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Post by Boblouie58 on Dec 31, 2003 17:23:42 GMT -5
....ugh! That was supposed to say "bars are places "good girls" go looking for guys.  |
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Post by mere phantom on Jan 1, 2004 23:38:37 GMT -5
I can relate as Im getting old myself, but I dont have any tips man
although the comment that "good girls" look for guys in bars, why is it that in America the only place that it is acceptable to be social with strangers is in a bar?
to me thats f***ing sad
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Post by spitzig on Jan 9, 2004 3:19:29 GMT -5
although the comment that "good girls" look for guys in bars, why is it that in America the only place that it is acceptable to be social with strangers is in a bar? I've also heard coffeeshops are good places. None of the local ones seem appropriate for me, since the only decent one seems to mostly be a high school hangout. And, people keep telling me libraries and grocery stores are good places to meet women. I've never met anyone in a place like that, though(surprise). |
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Post by Placido on Jan 9, 2004 6:04:09 GMT -5
Most couples I know met through work or clubs/societies or university or somesuch - I'm convinced most non-shy people wouldn't have the balls to chat up complete strangers in a supermarket.
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Post by novice on Jan 11, 2004 2:57:14 GMT -5
My real problem. I have not dated in years or had sex in years. I am now 35 and WHAT woman would have an interest in a 35 yr old that has not lived his life yet? Thanks for posting this, it was a blessed relieve to find that I'm not the only one. I'm 37 and had sex for the first time a year ago. How do you inform a man that you have no actual experience?? Awkward in the extreme and no repeat performance. So a year later and a new guy and the same problem - never mind trying to find out how to please this particular man, I'm trying my utmost to cope with the basics! |
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Post by spitzig on Jan 11, 2004 22:25:02 GMT -5
Thanks for posting this, it was a blessed relieve to find that I'm not the only one. I'm 37 and had sex for the first time a year ago. How do you inform a man that you have no actual experience?? Awkward in the extreme and no repeat performance. So a year later and a new guy and the same problem - never mind trying to find out how to please this particular man, I'm trying my utmost to cope with the basics! Assuming you are female(not a gay guy), a lot of guys seem to particularly like virginal women(or close to it). Also, You aren't in QUITE the same situation. You have whatever you learned with the last guy to help you. As far as learning more basics, I think reading about sex and watching porn helped give me a lot of confidence. A lot of women read Cosmo and similar magazines for sex advice. I am male, and don't read it, but the sex advice I've heard indirectly(from a girl I was having sex with) did not impress me. The "tricks guys like"--I wasn't impressed by. I've been more impressed by books written about sex. There are books written on everything from kissing and foreplay to the kinky forms of sex. There are also videotapes for sex advice--most are made for couples(most porn is made for men). They are usually sold at porn shops. This is separate from porn. Porn is useful for ideas, as well. However, you must consider that making porn is not usually fun. Many of the positions they do are just done to get a good camera angle, and look really uncomfortable. But, really most of my confidence came from just trying things with the girl I was seeing. If something turns out not to be much fun, what have you lost? Still plenty of time for other positions and forms of sex. Just consider all of it a learning experience. Even if you don't like a position, form of sex, knowing about it still makes you more knowledgable about sex. And, that is likely to make you more confident about it. Both of these make a person better at sex. |
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Post by madnovice on Jan 12, 2004 12:30:28 GMT -5
I am in exactly the same situation, even worse. I had sex for the first time at age 36 - one time - with a guy. What exactly do you feel I have to work on that our male friend don't have?
Nothing.
As to men liking virginal women, please stand up with names and addresses so we shy gals know where to go! I think that is one of those believes that people have with no good reason - like the one about women fantasizing about rape. Men like the idea of a virgin maybe - but that idea goes with the girl being 18 yo and gorgeous, not a 37 year old woman with a 37 year old body.
My experience with the new guy has lead me to believe that "normal"guys, (that is non shy guys who in any case won't respond to a move or make a move themselves) do not expect a woman of 37 not to have experience and are not particularly interested in training a semi-virgin.
Am I mad? Oh yes. I am tired of reading how easy women have it compared to men. I am in AGONY most of the time trying to force myself to talk to a half decent guy who don't run at the mention of social anxiety and my loneliness is not less lonely for the fact that I am a woman.
Now that I threw all my toys out the cot and feel better: Yes, every little bit helps and every time - all five times of it - gets a little better. I am more relaxed and get closer to the big O.
Good luck to you, shy_and_confused, anyway. Even if you also think I'm in a different position, I can tell you that what you talk about, is what I FEEL, no matter what it looks like from the outside.
And Spitzig, porn shops? I'm too damn terrified to walk into the shop no matter what I aim to buy! I'm working on that though; I'll post a 'victory' message when I do it.
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Post by spitzig on Jan 12, 2004 23:10:44 GMT -5
I am in exactly the same situation, even worse. I had sex for the first time at age 36 - one time - with a guy. What exactly do you feel I have to work on that our male friend don't have? Nothing. Well, I can't speak for you, obviously. Looking back on my first time, I didn't idealize learning or experience as a method of learning as much as I do now. But, I do think I learned significantly from it. I don't think I even could've said what I learned after the sex. I think I learned a decent amount about the mechanics of sex, though. You might not realize what you've learned until you have to use it. Well, when it's come up in discussions, it's been with younger guys. I'd guess they'd want someone closer to their own age, but I don't remember specific correlations to personalities or other sexual tastes. Regarding female rape fantasies, I dated one girl who had them. A "rape fantasy" doesn't mean a fantasy about ACTUALLY being raped--it's about role-playing. And, things like that usually have "code-words" if the girl decides she's not having fun anymore(stop doesn't necessarily mean stop in a rape fantasy). I've seen one statistic that said either 1/3 or 2/3 of women have some type of "forced sex" fantasy. I don't know whether that actually means rape fantasy or something lighter, like bondage, though. Also, even Mark Twain knew, "Lies, damn lies, and statistics", so that statistic doesn't necessarily mean anything--especially since I don't have a link to the study, or anything. This is not a kink that women(or men) are "supposed to" enjoy, so I would not expect it to come up often. The girl I dated was not comfortable about having the fantasy, and I expect did not tell many people about it. I don't think I've ever been involved in another conversation about anything that was that kinky. Well, maybe when I've mentioned my own fantasies(not that I do that often). Remember that shy is not a boolean situation--people are not shy OR shy. Most people are shy to different degrees about different things. I've always had to make the first move about sex, or kissing, or a date, with very few exceptions. But, I'm on this site because I'm shy, though. Oh, I don't think being shy is easy for women, either. Well, the only thing I can say about that is that the places are NOT very social places. I've heard people in conversations in them VERY few times with people other than the person they came in with. I tend to think this is because most people are embarrassed/ashamed to be there. So, you would certainly not be the only nervous person there. Maybe try just visiting, without intending to buy? It'd require less interaction, and no talking. |
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