When your significant other isn't shy...

[Damia2036]

Hi.. i'm new to this forum... i'm new to admitting i'm shy actually... but here is my question/concern. i am in a good relationship, we connect on many levels and in general are usually pretty happy. BUT he is not shy. he is the furthest thing from shy i can imagine. he is outgoing and friendly and is the most interesting, popular person the minute he steps in a room. i am painfully shy. I worry about looking dumb. i never seem to have anything to say. I know he gets frustrated and feels he has to start everything. i don't know how to make myself more outgoing. to make the blocks i have go away. i would love to be more outgoing to feel more intersting and to talk more. but i can't. i can't force myself to do it. any help? any suggestions. is anyone else in this situation? how do you deal with it?

[Alecto]

I'm going through the same situation. I'm extremely shy while my boyfriend isn't. Fortunately he's not the party type, but when we go to one, it can be very frustrating for me. I know he probably gets annoying with my being so quiet.

What helps though is that he'll ask me stuff, to include me in the conversation. Which kind of helps. Sometimes I'll say stuff on my own, if I'm comfortable enough. Other than that, its hard to handle

[shybutwillgetoverit]

My boyfriends the exact same and in a way his confidence can get me down coz i think 'why arn't i like that'? Everything to him is so easy and he never feels insecure and gets annoyed with me as my shyness gets me really depressed. I'm fine when i go out with him and stuff - don't mind talking to his friends but we both started uni together and he makes friends instantly whereas i'm the loner by myself, silently wishing i had more confidence and social skills. He always manages to make friends with the confident, pretty, popular girls which makes me feel about ten times worse!!!!! He always says to me - 'but u do seem confident' and i suppose coz round him i am but when i'm on my own i'm a bundle of nerves! Hav u spoken to your boyfriend about it?

[crystal]

i know exactly how you feel, i thought i was the only one, my boyfriend yells and gets frustrated with me all the time because i dont talk much, he has to say everything or if he asks me whats wrong i say nothing because i feel like how i feel will be laughed at. when he says what do i want to do i say i dont care because that why it wont be on me and i feel no one wants to do what i think anyway. he tries to get me to open up and have my own opinion but i just get scared to voice whats on my mind, especially if i think it will make someone mad or they wont understand, i dont like feeling this way and i feel so alone all the time, i dont have many friends exept one best friend who i love to death. im always sad because i feel like i dont fit in, people dont have time for shy people or they say that they are weird but im not weird, if someone talks to me first or invites me to do something i definately talk back or i would go, i just have trouble initiating things and being free. i feel like i will look or sound dumb or not at good as others. on top of that i am very insecure about my small breasts and that doesnt help much, especially around boys, or other well endowed girls, i feel like less of a woman. i love being around large groups of people (like at a club) but i have trouble interacting with them unless i know for sure they already like me. My boyfriend gets mad because i read alot, or i can sit there and read while around others, but i cant help it, i love to read and i get to have a fun imagination and read about fake romances and temporarily get away from it all, but if someone were to just talk to me instead of ignore me because im quiet then they would see how i am a great person, im fun and once i get to know you my shyness can vanish, but not many people are willing to give me a chance. i would like to keep in touch with you, please email me at [e-mail]
how old are u, im 22 female

[spitzig]

Guest-crystal said:

on top of that i am very insecure about my small breasts and that doesnt help much, especially around boys, or other well endowed girls, i feel like less of a woman.

Well, some guys prefer smaller breasts. I say this because I am one of them. Larger breasts are only nicer because I can look at them, even when I'm not having sex with the girl.

And, I understand that some women with large breasts get negative reactions from other women because of jealousy.

My boyfriend gets mad because i read alot, or i can sit there and read while around others, but i cant help it, i love to read and i get to have a fun imagination and read about fake romances and temporarily get away from it all,

I assume all his interests involve you? Most people have interests that don't involve the other person. I'd think that's healthy.

[Ghost]

Ok, this is for you Crystal:

I don't think it is good that a boy/girlfriend would yell at their other half and get worked up. Frustration, ok, but to start yelling because you don't talk that much and he doesn't get it... If someone would do that with me, I don't think the relationship would last long. I really, really dislike being yelled at or fights.

If you don't feel you can open up against your boyfriend...I would say that is somewhat severe. Especially if you think he would laugh at you. Your boyfriend get's less and less my type However, you don't help either. You keep quiet and don't take your chances. If he would laugh about it, then I can't see many sensetive or empathic qualities the boy: he yells, get's frustrated, laughs about you... If that would be the case, you shouldn't even stay with him.

But if you say everytime "nothing", you will never know if his reaction would be positive or negative. And it won't do your realtionship anything good by saying that nothing is wrong, when there is obvious something bothering you. If you don't open up to no one, or even dare to carefully try to open up to your guy, I don't think this is a healthy relationship. Sure, you have your good times, but it is about when you need him most (and vice versa) that he and you should be there for each other and support each other in the things you deem important.

Another error: if he asks you what you want to do, you say, "I don't care". How would you feel like if you wanted to go out, do something with the guy you love and ask him what he wants to do and he says "I don't care" everytime again? It would feel as if he isn't interested in you and doesn't give a thing about your effort to do something nice together. That's how your boyfriend probably feels: she is not interested in me, or being together, otherwise she would be willing and enthusiast to hang out together.

Also, all the responsibility falls on him. Like that it becomes his job, his work to entertain you and take you out, because you do not cooperate and couldn't care less, it seems. You don't feel like anyone wants to do what you want anyway? Have you tried it? have you tried to suggest several thing and take note of their opinions? Give it a try, can only go positive and in worst case your statement will only get confirmed. In either way, you loose nothing and can only gain.

But again, it doesn't seem that you trust your boyfriend. You don't believe he is interested in what you want to do. A relationship is built on trust and equality at most area's. But you stay with a guy who yells at you, is frustrated, won't open up too, may laugh at you, may not be interested in you, get's mad at you when you do something you like: reading... What is the realtionship still based on? This is unhealthy, such amount of communication problems.

It is pitiful that people don't take extreme shyness serious. they don't get the anxiety and fear behind it and that if that person would get over it, they would very well blossom and open up. It's a good thing you don't believe you are weird, even though others may say so. That you have a boyfriend shows that people tend to value the size of breasts less then you may think. There are enough women who have small breasts, but it is just the media who promotes everything "picture perfect" by models (be thin, tall, pretty, rich, fit, exact roundings..blablabla) and such. Besides, it isn't about the sizes (I see enough couples at the street where I just have to assume that that loveblinded them from looks , but how you present yourself. Being charming or flirty is effective, however you may look.

I know you're scared, but you will have to try to do something about some things. I don't know your boyfriend but getting mad because you like to read would serious piss me off. Everyone has their interests and it isn't like when he watches sports that you get angry because you don't like him doing that without any good valid reason? At least with your boyfriend you need to straighten things up, because living with friction in the air can't be good.

Here are some help links/books about several shy subjects:

shyunited.proboards15.com/index.cgi?board=general&action=display&thread=1079780163

But to be honest, I don't think this relationship will last very long if it goes on like this.

[ponykitty]

Well, my boyfriend is exactly how Damia2036 described it... total opposite of me, EVERYONE loves him, loves everything he says, he's good at parties and social stuffs. In fact..... a lot of times when he hangs out with the few friends I have, I feel he's a better friend to them than me, and then I REALLY start to feel bad.

It's also hard for me to communicate to him my insecurities when it comes to being social. I just don't think he understands... it's not an issue for him so how could he? But, you know, he really does try to help out, and he says he understands. And as long as he tries, and I try, it's workable. Difficult, but workable. He never drags me along to someplace I'd rather not be... although sometimes when he DOES drag me along to an outing, he butters up the deal, says things like "well you don't have to talk much, all we're going to do is eat at a resturant" and so I go only to get bombarded with conversation. But yeah it can be a difficult relationship.