WHEN YOUR BOYFRIEND HATES YOUR QUIETNESS!

[crystal2shy]

Hi am crystal a 22 year old female from dalecity virginia. my boyfriend is very outgoing and social and funny. however i am quiet and shy, i dont show emotions often even when im happy but i dont do it on purpose, i just keep all thoughts in my head. He gets so upset with me because everytime he asks me what do i want to do or where to go I almost always say "i dont know, or i dont care" i say this because growing up as an only child i didnt get to make my own decisions, my mom told me what to do and when to do it so im just so used to going with the flow, whatever everyone else wants to do i dont care, and truly i really dont mind or care im very open minded, i never thought this a problem until my boyfriend keeps getting so mad and saying i cant cop out and always say that, and that i have to have some sort of opinion, and to just speak my mind and say whatever, but its hard because i always feel that even my opinion will be the wrong thing to say, or no one would want to do what i think so i go with the flow, he hates this, also whenever something is bothering me i keep it all inside, and when someone asks whats wrong i immediately say nothing, i feel ashamed or like im being a baby for feeling a certain way and i dont want anyone to make fun or me or lash out at me or call me stupid, or that im being a pain, so i just keep it inside, he hates this too because he can tell something is wrong but i say nothing and he calls me a liar, when i try to say out loud how i feel it comes out all wrong and sounds like im saying something else when im not and people can take it the wrong way or think the wrong think, i cant put my feelings into words, it sounds good in my head but when its time to speak i clam up and everything sounds stupid, then i feel so frustrated and feel like whats the point if i cant get it out right and get my point understood, also its like all of a sudden anything that someone says to me or tell my i did wrong or made them mad, it hurts my feelings so much, i try not to cry but the tears come, alot of the time the tears are because im more mad at myself than at what the person said, and i dont know how to express myself to make myself clear so i cry, my boyfriend says im weak and too sensitive and this makes me cry even more because i dont do it on purpose, and i actually try to make an effort to loosen up but its hard when you grew up your entire life one way. from holding everything inside its like i have a constant aching on my heart and at the drop of a dime i cry now, because it hurts so much, i want to be able to get things off of my chest andnot hold evrything in, that wears you down like its starting to do to me, but i feel like trying to explain myself to someone who is not shy dont/and will not understand me, they think its just so easy to just get over it and open up but its not that simple, i know alot of it also has to do with my self-consciousness in my body weight, i think im way too skinny and flat chested for my age and every thinks im still a highschool child and that gets annoying and embarrassing, i feel like no one takes me as an adult and thats another reason why i just stay quiet, i feel so left out, as a grew up my family called me "tiny titties" and "quarter titties" because all the other women had at least average breasts, even my way younger little cousins passed me, so i feel like thats what everyone sees when they look at me, especially boys, is just my flatness and smallness and young face and just pass me off. So in a group of people im quiet because i feel if i talk everyone of course will look at me but i dont want them to look at me because i dont want them to think the same things or i feel the first thing they see is flatchest and if i stay quiet maybe i will blend in and no one will notice. i dont know i feel helpless, i dont know what to do or where to start

[Jarous]

crystal2shy said:

Hi am crystal a 22 year old female from dalecity virginia.

Hello crystal2shy and welcome to Shy United.

He gets so upset with me because everytime he asks me what do i want to do or where to go I almost always say "i dont know, or i dont care"

This happens to me a lot. Most of the time, it's because I just want to be done with my talking part. I always regret I haven't said so or so later. Perhaps that's your case too? Next time, you're asked. Think first about the question. If there's something you'd like to do, say so. Sometimes I feel others would be bothered by my proposition and would rather do what they fancy. But if so, they wouldn't have asked in the first place.

also whenever something is bothering me i keep it all inside, and when someone asks whats wrong i immediately say nothing,

Ahh, I can relate. It feels 'normal' people wouldn't understand our little-big problems. It seems their problems are petty to us too. I believe it would be mutually helpful to discuss the problems, though. I am working on this myself. If, WHEN I am done with it, I find out I was wrong, I'll let you know.

he hates this too because he can tell something is wrong but i say nothing and he calls me a liar, when i try to say out loud how i feel it comes out all wrong

He may be jealous, or genuienly cares for you and sees you suffer. Talk to him. What have you to lose?

i try not to cry but the tears come

There's nothing bad about that. Of course I am a man and men do not cry. So I keep this big man face, but inside - inside it hurts like hell. It's better to vent your emotions than to build the pressure withing you and have it rip your heart slowly and painfully.

my boyfriend says im weak and too sensitive

He says so, but I would say he doesn't really mean that. We, men, are very clumsy at comforting and stuff like that. Your boyfriend doesn't have a clue on how to act. What he says does hurt you, though. Perhaps you should share in your feelings more with him?

i know alot of it also has to do with my self-consciousness in my body weight, i think im way too skinny and flat chested for my age and every thinks im still a highschool child

Woman, more females curse their fat bodies - you should be glad of you weight. Moreover, bodybuilding is free, accessible and workable for all - if you really mind - get into the gym and in 3 months you'll see wonders. Flat chested? Breasts are not everything - I wonder, what does your boyfriend say to that? We are always too critical about ourselves. And about looking like a highschool child - would you rather look like 50-years old? Wait when you are 30 and still look 20 - marvelous, isn't it?

i dont know what to do or where to start

I'd start with talking more about yourself with your boyfriend.

[Alecto]

Yes welcome to the boards.

I can some what relate to your problem. I have a very out going boyfriend, while I am extremely shy.

Although I don't have a problem deciding things ( I known what I want right away usually) I do have a problem telling people how I feel about certain things for the fear of sounding like I'm complaining.

I also have the problem of crying at the drop of a hat. I can get very frustrated or nervous and start tearing up, I wouldn't say it happens often, but it does happen

You're boyfriend should be more sympathetic to your shyness though, explain to him that you are trying work on this, and would prefer for him to support you.

[Ghost]

Doe syour boyfriend knows of your shyness? If so, he should know better then to get upset and mad to you about it. Calling you a liar is very rude for someone who doesn't know how you feel. Not too mention the insukts he throws at you just because he doesn't understands your feelings. No miracle that you can't talk with your boyfriend about your feelings! He is the one insensetive!

Looking younger then you are is a advantage in a way. When I was 16, I managed to get kiddie discount (because she thought I was 14) to enter the zoo. I know someone who has the same as you: she is skinny, a little too light weighted and flat chested for her age. It occasional bothers her a bit, but not too much. She see's the positive points: fits into the smallest sizes and when there is sale the small sizes are usual left over for her, no overweight problem, or extra breasts weight to carry around, when she is 50 she will look younger as if she is 40, she is somewhat "unique" and not standard and she had a few extra points I believe. She finds it quite amusing that people think she is quite a bit younger at times. But sometimes they think she is older then she really is too... So weight and chest size doesn't always make people think you're a kid.

Maybe you should try to go to a psychiatrist. At least those are willing to listen and want to help.

Most of my writing about this subject I already did at Alecto's and crystal2shy's topics at SHY diaries. So I will stop now

[CaryGrant]

Hi again Crystal - thanks for turning the caps lock off. Now can you do paragraphs? ;D I'm afraid to blink when I read your posts in case I lose my place. ;D

Ok, to your concerns:
1. Your boyfriend is putting you down, and that is unacceptable. His heart may be in the right place and he's just not very good at expressing how he feels (or knowing how he feels), but either way you should tell him how it makes you feel when he talks to you that way. And that's a start on expressing yourself!

2. I always used to say "I don't care" when people asked me what I wanted to do, and I really believed that. Really, though, I was just worried that they wouldn't like ME if I had any likes or dislikes that were different from theirs. It took time, but I started paying attention to myself - when someone asked that type of question, I would stop and think - and feel - for a moment. Then the only answer I would allow myself was "I want to do _____." Maybe it was what they proposed, maybe it was something different, but it was a big step forward for me.

3. Your emotions are welling up out of control, which is good. They're telling you things aren't right and you need to do something about it. You're way ahead of all those people who spend their lives suppressing their emotions.

4. Skinny, flat, and looking young: It's really all about how you feel about yourself. I thought I was only attracted to women with B/C cup size...until I met a woman with whom I really clicked - who would be lucky to be an A. I find her rather hot, much to my own surprise. Chemistry (and maturity) help to overcome these superficial things. Obviously your boyfriend is attracted to you, not that you should give much weight to anybody else's opinion. And what about those guys in the clubs you mentioned in another post who are all over you? Clearly some guys find you attractive.

[Ghost]

Yep, as Cary wrote: you have boyfriend, guys are all over you... Don't worry: you look hot girl! ;D

Btw, it wasn't Alecto's diary I wrote my anti-boyfriend rant. Somehwere else. But my scattered brain can't recall it. Beh. But I did had some interesting suggestions with how to "punish" your boyfriend at Alecto's