Lovesick

[iroseiroared2]

Hey all,

Ok, I really love this board but I'm starting to think I'm boring people with my threads cuz I don't get many responses. Anyway, here's my little (kinda long) story; read if you will.

Ok, a couple weeks ago this guy that I work with named Tim came in just to visit, along with his friend who I used to know a few years back, Steve. I was surprised to see Steve again after like 3 or 4 years. I talked to him a little bit, that's about it, nothing big. But my friend suggested maybe he wouldn't be so bad to go out with, and ever since she said that, the idea was planted into my head that maybe I should consider him.

So a week goes by and I see Steve again. I didn't say much to him, and he didn't say much to me.. just pretty much, "How's work," type thing. He was looking at me, but then we kinda just ignored each other and he left. I didn't feel much of an attraction towards him but I still thought he was pretty cool.

So another week goes by and I find out that Steve said I was cute and wanted to hook up with me. I had kinda thought it all along, ever since the idea had been planted into my head.. it just seemed like it was there, like something was gonna happen between us. That whole night I was pretty happy about it, but now it's turned into this infatuation thing and it's driving me absolutely crazy!

I was told that Steve had a girlfriend but was having problems with her.. I just assumed, since I hadn't seen him with Tim anymore (he was living with him at the time), that he moved in with his old girlfriend and they were together again. Especially also since no one else was updating me on anything else about the whole situation.

But then I found out a couple days ago that Steve was still not with her, and was living with a friend. His friend Tim notified me out of the blue Steve's astrological sign that I had asked about the week before, to see how compatible we would be. So I figured I still had a chance.. I mean, why would Tim even bother if Steve wasn't interested, right?

Ok I made a short story long I guess.. actually, I didn't say EVERYTHING but you get the idea. The main point I'm trying to get at though, is that ever since I found out Steve liked me, I've completely fallen for him. All I want is to even see him again, but I don't know how to contact him. The only connection to him I have is Tim, but I'm afraid to say anything cuz I don't want to let on that I'm really interested cuz I feel embarrassed, esp. if anyone finds out how nuts I've really been going over him.

See, I thought that if Steve was really interested he would come see me at work. But then I realized that I really didn't do much to show that I liked him back last time he was there.. because at that time, I really didn't like him! So I thought, 'Well why isn't Tim telling Steve I'm interseted?" I thought I was giving signs, but actually I think I might have been giving negative signs! When I was told by Tim's mom that Steve liked me, I got scared and said it was kind of shallow for the reason he liked me (won't say what that was.. I don't really think he is shallow though, but what he supposedly said just kinda threw me off). Also, I asked Tim and his mother if Steve was crazy, if he was normal.. those aren't good things are they? I did ask for his astrological sign though, and I did tell Tim to tell Steve to IM me because supposedly he has internet access. Aren't those positive things? Or did I basically make it look bad? Plus I'm pretty quiet around Tim so I guess this is a rough situation.

Anyway, I don't know right now what to do. I've been praying Steve would just come into where I work again, but I haven't seen him since the last time I did, when I wasn't interested in him like that yet. I'm afraid to tell Tim the whole story on how I feel. This weekend there is a party going on that I'm going to, where Tim's mom is going to be. I'm going to nonchalantly ask about Steve and how come he didn't get the job he was supposed to get.. and then move onto his girlfriend that he had, and see what's up with that. And if he's not with her anymore for real, I'm either going to give Tim's mom my number or screenname to give to Steve. Which do you think I should give her? And is this a lame attempt? Or should I simply wait for him to come around, because obviously if he were interested in me, he would come around more, right? What do you all think I should do? I feel like I will go nuts if I don't do something or something doesn't happen already. It's been driving me crazy for 10 days already. I know that doesn't seem like a long time, but when the same issue is stressing you out every hour of the day for 10 days straight, it really starts to wear you out. I'm crushing big time. If anyone has actually made it to the end of this and feels like giving me any advice, it would be much appreciated. Thank you.

[CaryGrant]

Well, I skipped a couple of paragraphs, but have advice anyway.

Tell Tim that you would be open to getting together with Steve. You don't have to declare your undying love, or even say it would be a date. Just that you would like to see Steve again, and would Tim pass along the message.

Steve will find a way to get in touch if he's interested.

PS - I don't know why some posts get lots of responses and some get few, either. But it's nothing to do with you.

[GreenFerret]

Ha ha! I read the whole thing. ;D Anyway, I guess I'd like to say that I agree with Cary Grant in that you really should make it clear to Tim, who should make it clear to Steve, that you want to see him again sometime. Getting him your screenname is a great idea, especially since it indicates your interest and definitely doesn't seem desperate or too much, too soon, as you seem to fear doing.

Also, like most people, I know very well you feelings of "going crazy" over this guy. I think the only real cure is to do something--like giving over your screenname or phone number or telling Tim you're interested in Steve. After that, you can wait for that response with a clear conscience. Luckily for you, the hard part where you sit around biting your nails wondering if he finds you attractive... That isn't something you need to worry about! You already know he likes you. If he ends up saying no for any reason, you will know it almost certainly has nothing to do with you personally.

Speaking of which, CaryGrant is right again: your number of posts is nothing personal... It seems to be one of those freak things, like every time you see a certain tv show, it's a rerun--the same rerun. You know; when it rains, it pours. Otherwise, there's a drought. So good luck with all that; and be sure to update us as to how things turn out for you in this situation!

[iroseiroared2]

Thanks guys.. I'm glad some people took the time to read this.

I actually did end up talking about this guy again, and I gave Tim's mom my screen name to give to Steve! The only thing that's bothering me is that she told me to tell him straight up how I feel about sex.. that I want to wait a LONG time for it. I think that will drive him away. But I have to do what I have to do I guess. Now I just have to wait to either see him somewhere or for him to IM me, and you're right, now I have a clear conscience because I know I did something about it and it's not just lost floating around the air like, 'What's gonna happen next?' Should I just tell him I don't want to have sex or should I wait to tell him? Well anyway, I'll update you guys again if anyone's interested, and I'll let you know what's happening. I think God has been with me a lot through this though.. finally, I can rest about it now for awhile!

[GreenFerret]

Yay! Good going! Getting him your screenname should help things move along just fine.

As for telling this guy your feelings about sex, I would recommend that you don't put this out in the open right away (although I don't really have experience with this, so take this with a grain of salt ). I think maybe you should get to know him just a little (maybe one, two dates?), and then work it into the conversation. That way, if he has any inclination to think, "Oh no, no sex?!" and let it "drive him away," then he can easily counter this reaction with, "but she's a great girl; I like blank blank and blank about her; I can wait." Also, by not being too blunt in delivering your message, you allow him to see that this decision is something that isn't going to change with the winds; it's a part of your personality as much as your sense of humor.

So I probably wasn't much help just now; hope you don't mind. Just wanted to give you some more encouragment, really! And if you've already straight-out told him about your feelings on sex, that's perfectly alright. It's a very clear and thoughtful--perhaps the most clear and thoughtful--way to make your self-ascribed limits known.

Good luck, again; have a good time talking with Steve, or whatever may happen! And yes; we're still interested in hearing how everything goes.

[iroseiroared2]

Greenferret,

Don't ever think you didn't help! And that's a good point you made.. then he'll have something to counter it. Actually, I was thinking of just slowly working everything in so that he learns to wait, and enjoys it lol. That seems a bit manipulative but it's not really bad. But I don't know if I could wait for a kiss after a couple dates! lol I hope he doesn't think I'm going too fast, but I've been waiting for him now for what, 2 weeks lol. That's not long at all but in my mind it feels like an eternity haha. Thank you for your advice everyone, you're very kind, and I will let you know what happens.

[iroseiroared2]

Well today Tim came into work for a little while and told me he gave Steve my screen name, and before he left Tim also gave me Steve's screen name. So I guess things are moving along!

However I don't know if I should expect it to last. I am having sexual issues and people don't seem to believe I have a right to say no to sex, even after years of being with someone. There are other ways besides intercourse, and what's wrong with oral sex? I think that's more, for lack of a better word, erotic anyway.

Also, I think I'm going to hear shit from one of my friends. I think she is jealous that I'm going to go out with someone because she herself wants someone more than anything and now most of her friends have someone and she doesn't . Today she told me that she was talking to our other friend and they both agreed he wasn't the right person for me. She said that he was scummy and I can do much better than that. That's because he has a past of drugs and stuff I guess.. I know that can be a problem. But I myself do not find him scummy and I do believe she is just saying that because she doesn't want me to have someone since she can't. I went through hell last time I had a relationship because a different friend felt I was abandoning her. I don't want to go through hell again. It's probably easier not to even bother at all.

I am really really afraid most of all of the sex issue coming up, and him not being happy with it. It's like I tried and waited for this and it all turns to shit in a day.. but that's what I might have to accept.

[GreenFerret]

Ugh. People can be rather annoying. It's possible your friend really is trying to ensure your happiness--or that she at least has convinced herself that this is the case. However, she really has no right to burst in on your happiness even if the whole world comes to a consensus about this guy being "scummy" and "not right for you." If he's not , then you can easily find that out on your own, and have a good time in the process.

As for sex, I would think that the otion of oral sex would make the "abstinence" thing a lot more appealing to a potential partner. Make sure you make that clear when you tell him!

By the way, out of curiosity: what are you main intentions in dating? Is it just for fun, for having somebody to go places with? Is it for the possibility pf marriage? Is it for the physical aspect (up to but not including intercourse)? I just want to get a sense of how your feelings about sex fit in with everything else.

So, still making good progress! Doesn't it feel good to have his screenname? Now you've got even a little more control than before. I hope your friends don't screw things up for you and Steve.

[iroseiroared2]

Well to answer your question, I guess my intentions are physical and to share life with someone. Seems like completely opposite ends of the spectrum lol but that's how I feel. But I don't crave sex without love.. only sex with some kind of feeling of caring and attraction towards the person. I don't know how many places we'll be able to go to together since we both don't drive, but that's ok. I also don't want to hang out with all his friends all the time because I will feel very uncomfortable. When I have a relationship (as in boyfriend-girlfriend) with someone, it becomes very very meaningful to me. Ok this would be my perfect date.. this is what I'm going to try to make happen. One day after I get out of work I just want to meet him somewhere, like he doesn't live too far from me so we can proabably just walk and meet.. and just go find a place to sit alone and talk ya know.. I wanna pick his brain for hours lol.. maybe have a little picnic or something.. and just indulge in deep conversation and then see what happens after. Oh yeah by the way I'm talking about like 2 am lol because I don't get out of work till pretty much after 1 am everyday. . I hope he doesn't have a different sleep schedule! I find it very romantic to have a date in the middle of the night like that.. I'm looking for some kind of fantasy thing maybe.. it's just that at night things are different, calmer and more peaceful yet more euphoric too.. I want to create with him too. Like build little houses or something lol. I know I sound nuts. But the more I think of it, the more i think that this most likely is not who he is or what he wants.. which sucks. But that is what I want lol hope I answered your question well enough. Thanks for taking to the time to care, you're really cool, GreenFerret.

[Naptaq]

yea I like nights too. They're so kewl.
Well as for ur situation I gues ur friends were right. He's not the right one for u as u also said. Don't get me wrong cus im not trying to be negative here, just to remind u that there are guys out there that would be really interested in u, alight?
lol damn I was quite surpised tha oral sex is not considerd sex .. really wow . But hey I gues I'm old school.
Update bout ur situation. Good luck

[CaryGrant]

Rose - I think the topic of sex can come up in it's own time. Meaning, after you've gone out on enough dates to be kissing and groping and ready to move on, and you've talked about other things. I wouldn't have the talk until you're ready to have the NEXT DATE involve pretty much as far as you're comfortable going.

I totally disagree your friend's mom. People often have preconceived ideas about what "no sex" means (I didn't know you'd include oral sex, either), so if you say that, you may well run him off before there is a chance to get to know each other better.

Good luck, and let us know how it goes!

[GreenFerret]

Thanks, IRose; your comment really made me feel good. I like trying to give people a little encouragement when I can, cause I know how important it can be. As for "taking the time," it's no trouble. I guess I get some sort of vicarious thrill when things are going right for you! ;D

Your date idea sounds excellent, by the way. It has got some elements of the fantastical (a nighttime picnic with a nice, attractive guy? sounds good!), but with your schedule, it's also quite practical. Even if he has a different schedule than you, you could probably catch him on a Friday night for your hours of nocturnal "brain-picking." Yes, night is a wonderful time.

And ok; so Steve might not prove to be "the one," but of course that's no reason not to give him a try, since you could always split up later if you're really incompatible. Therefore: go with it, have fun, blah blah blah.

By the way: I say listen to Cary Grant. That guy, he has wisdom in his words!

[iroseiroared2]

Thanks everyone.

CaryGrant, you are probably right about not mentioning the sex thing the first date. I hope he isn't out to just get laid! I asked his friend if that's all he wants is sex and he probably not.. well what do you mean probably?! I don't think he's only out for that, but.

And GreenFerret, I'm glad to make you feel better lol. But you really have been very sweet. I'm glad if things are going well it makes you happy but usually it just makes people more miserable lol. Actually I don't know how well things are really going.. I mean he has my screen name and everything so why hasn't he been online or IMd me yet? Because he's obviously not as obsessed with me as I am with him. He most likely still has feelings for his ex too. I think if he really cared, he would try his hardest to contact me, which is not what he's doing. I'm expecting this to not really go anywhere. I'm actually expecting him to go back to his ex.
Alright well, talk to all of you later.
;D

[GreenFerret]

Ooh, some of what you're saying about you IM dilemma--why isn't he online?! arrghhhh!--sounds veeery familiar. I've had a big crush on a guy, now my friend, for about two years now, and after exchanging screennames earlier this summer, I had to wait a week AND gently prod him with an email before he got online at all. However, it turned out that he was extremely busy, and he seems to enjoy talking online ok (although I'm thinking he just wants to be friends), so there was reason to this madness.

Anyway, the moral of this gripping, timeless tale of intrigue and... yeah ok I'll stop... is that since you already know this guy's attracted to you, yeah you might assume that he hasn't got a crush as big as yours, but that's ok because your crush sounds pretty big ;D; however, I would probably also assume that he's just got other stuff to do, and/or that he's on at different hours than you, perhaps? I know the guy I like is a morning person (which to a night person sounds absolutely insane of course), and the outcome is that although I'm online till somewhere between 1 and 3 AM, he's in bed by 10:30! In other words, don't worry about things for a while.

It sounds corny and all of that, but setting a clear goal can really make you feel better than just waiting, waiting, waiting... At least it does me! Maybe you could set for yourself a day when, if he hasn't signed on by that time, you might casually mention to Tim that you've been looking forward to talking to Steve, but haven't had a chance, yet; maybe get Tim to sort of give Steve a poke in the right direction. It doesn't sound to me like there's any need to worry, though. Just make certain he knows what time of day you usually get online!

[Ramon]

lol...sounds like a drama going on here... ;D
but seriously, you're such a solid ladyl and I think if this sex thing came up you should you be pretty clear about it...and I hope that this is the kinda guy who appriciate women like you.

You go girl! and keep us updated..