Online personals the way to go for shy?

[lonelyheart]

As you have all read from my earlier rambles, I am looking to meet (TALK TO!!) some girls but can't in real life.

Wondering if it would be worth my while to post a profile on one of those online personals sites? or if i am just wasting my time because women are not attracted to shy guys.

I have from time to time browsed through them and found that a lot of the males there aren't that bad looking who are outgoing and i'm sure that i couldn't compete with them.

I am also dreading the dates that could eventuate not because of the fact that it is a date but for fear of saying stupid things or not talking enough or being boring etc... arrgh.

Anyway, have a good day people.

[WayoftheBraves]

I don't like them, because #1, like you say, women can choose beforehand whether to get to know you or not. Unlike just simply going to the person and meeting them, they pretty much prepare, so usually you don't see the real them or not see them at all because they don't want to.

I would much rather just meet someone on the fly and let them see me right off the bat.

[ShyOne]

I don't think it's safe to date people online, they could be kidnappers for all you know.Just my opinion though.

[babygirl]

Well from my experiences and my friends experiences they are not that good.The people on them pretend to be someone their not,they send you old pictures of themselves or pics of someone else.Then when you meet them then your like your not the person in the picture.So my friends and I only date the guys we meet when were out and about.But thats just my opinion.

[lonelyheart]

Oh well, no girls for me then.

[Psychic]

I think most of the people in those sites are pretty outgoing and wanting to meet people. As such, they might not understand what shy people are going through that well. How about getting some of your friends to introduce new friends(girl) to you?

[sushiboat]

Go ahead and post profiles on several personals websites. Try writing different self-descriptions that emphasize different aspects of you. You can have some of the descriptions mention that you are shy, but don't sound needy.

Be warned, however, that most women expect men to initiate contact. The one who initiates contact has to pay. There are some women who will make the first contact. Just don't be surprised if you don't get a nibble for a long time.

If you do talk with a woman from a personals site, view it as a way to get experience. Don't focus on perfection. Just concentrate on getting to the first date. The more first dates you have under your belt, the easier they will become.

[CaryGrant]

I have used online personals, newspaper/voice personals, speed-dating, video dating, being set up by friends....

Online dating works best if you can be outgoing online. There are far more men than women on those sites, and the most conventionally attractive women get bombarded with emails. I've talked to several who got 30+ emails per day. Women very rarely contact men, as sushi says.

Video dating is very expensive (several thousand) and the competition is steep. Newspaper/voice personals are ok, but rather passive.

Best bet is speed-dating. Yes, it can be very nerve-racking if you let it. (In speed-dating, you meet 15 women for 5 minutes each, then each mark a card anonymously with who you want to meet.) However, in just a few hours, you'll talk to 15 women. Don't go in with big expectations of getting dates. I first did it simply to get experience talking to women, and I figured I could handle five minutes at a time. It's a great confidence builder.

[allen]

from my experience (and I have a lot of online dating experiences to draw on) I would run from these sites. Not a chance in hell I would recommend it. Unless you are very good looking. Women seem to be outnumbered by guys probably something like 5:1 (at least). I've been told throughout my life that I am a pretty attractive guy and I'm in decent shape yet 90% of the ads I respond to, the girls demand a picture right away and most don't respond back after I send to them. This has happened so many times and for so long that my confidence is completely shot. All I hoped for was the chance to get out and meet some new people and improve my social situation and its completely backfired for me and made me more introverted. I'm sure its not the same for everyone, but that's just my 2 cents worth.

[k]

sushiboat said:

You can have some of the descriptions mention that you are shy, but don't sound needy.

Mentioning your shy would, if anything, hurt your chances. Very few women prefer shy guys over the other types.

[lonelyheart]

Thanks, I may as well remain alone for the rest of my life. My friends, well friend won't introduce me to any girls our age, not that he knows that many.

I find it VERY hard to talk to girls, especially attractive ones. When one looks at me, i always respond with a very cold look on my face, even if I AM interested.

[Kitten]

I dont' see anything wrong with putting your profile and picture up and seeing what develops, as Sushi said, but don't expect too much out of it. At best, you'll get a couple of dates that may or may not lead somewhere. My roommate, who at 27 had never had a real boyfriend, met her first one on a such a site. She's also had a couple of other dates but nothing much. I wouldn't say she was successful, but she did meet people and even managed to get into a relationship, which for her was a big deal. If nothing else, you might find a few more people you could talk to, and THEY might have single friends, and so on.

I agree with "K", tho, that you' shouldn't put down that you're shy. That's not to say you should lie about who you are, but put things like "laid back" or play up your other good qualities instead. Your shyness does not define you. Once a girl gets to know you and likes you, then realizes you're shy, it probably won't matter.

[Alecto]

I do think it is a very risky thing to do. I do agree though that it wouldn't hurt to get a profile on a few sites and see if anything develops.

Although, I am in a good relationship now, that began from an online site. I would not do it again, I had to go through so many creeps and weirdos just to find him

[Cactus]

The way I see it is that online personals don't give you any room to show who you are. You aren't just a bunch of stats and a mug shot. Even if there is room for a brief description, it can't ever really convey that much about who you are. To communicate that, it takes time and with all the competition, that's not something that's readily available. From my point of view, the focus that is placed on looks (from the pictures that get posted) is a fairly skewed way of searching for the right person. The more I get to know someone, the more attractive they can become. There's not much chance for that if it's all about the pictures and stats.
Maybe there's a better way. Somewhere that you can express who you are and what you're all about without the pressure or the competition.

[CaryGrant]

I wanted to add a thought on online personals, and suggest an alternative.

Women will disqualify you for reasons they might not if they met you in person. For example, lots of personals specify ages, and if you're outside those limits, you won't even be considered. However, I've gone out with two women ~20 years younger and seem to be attractive to women 10-15 years younger - when I meet them in person and they get to know me. (Not that I am recommending dating much younger women!) Online, these same women would never even have considered me.

An alternative is online chat, because you do get a chance to know each other without worrying about age, looks, income, and all the other criteria that online personals specify. Don't post a photo, but if someone asks you for one, send them one from uglypeople.com! Pretend it's really you, then let them know it was a joke - and send then the real you - another uglypeople.com photo! If you can have fun with it and not take it too seriously, online chatting can be a great way to meet people and develop social skills.

I believe AOL, yahoo, MSN, etc., all have IM features that allow you to post a profile and then start chatting with local singles.