konnor
Junior Member
Posts: 90
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Post by konnor on Aug 11, 2007 10:37:52 GMT -5
I met this girl (now my girlfriend) about 3 months ago.
Things were very intense during the initial dating period and we fancied the pants off each other. It remained very passionate and comforting up until about 3 weeks ago when she went to Canada on holiday.
I found that I didn't really miss her as much as earlier on in our relationship, and thoughts kept going through my mind 'do I really like her', 'how come im not feeling as excited as before about seeing her'. We have quite a long distance relationship as well so I was confused as to why these thoughts suddenly started going round in my head.
I'm 22 and this is my first serious girlfriend. Naturally I'm very inexperienced in gauging how the relationship is going and I really don't understand what I'm feeling. I thought I was in love with her only about a month ago but then I wouldnt know what love is. I can't really think of anything specific about her that may have raised doubts in my minds, apart from the fact she is 'luvy duvy' with me all the time, but that doesn't seem to bad??.
Any thoughts? Maybe I'm wanting the relationship to be as intense as what it was previously and this is causing unecessary concern. Maybe it could be part of wider emotional issue in that I don't have any friends really and she is the only socialising I do. Maybe I expected her to fill that void permanantly.
Any ideas as to the wacky emotional state I could be in?!
thanks in advance
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Post by Sweet Pea on Aug 11, 2007 12:25:04 GMT -5
in my opinion, in a healthy relationship, you don't need to be in each other's lap 24/7 to be happy. if the relationship fulfills your need for love and companionship, you can survive some time apart without suffering. if you eventually want to see her again even though you haven't been missing her as acutely as you did in the early stages of the relationship, i wouldn't consider what you're describing to be an indication that she's not the girl for you. but part of learning who you are at your age is having relationships. so if you really don't feel inclined to 'settle down' with a particular person, it probably just means you're still in that finding yourself period, and you're not ready. it's definitely not anything to rush into.
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konnor
Junior Member
Posts: 90
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Post by konnor on Aug 13, 2007 6:36:11 GMT -5
Cheers for the advice. Unfortunately we have split up due to me attempting to discuss this with her. It's all been very silly as there is no reason at all as to why this has suddenly started to affect me. She's done absolutely nothing wrong and has been great towards me. I on the other hand don't know how I feel about her and asked for some time to think things through. Naturally I got the deserved response 'if you dont know how you feel about me why are we still together'. So i've upset her, i've upset myself and im no clearer why im so emotional about all this.
bit of a tough one....
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Post by Sweet Pea on Aug 13, 2007 23:46:20 GMT -5
life is a mystery sometimes. but you learned a valuable lesson...when having doubts about a relationship, don't talk to the person involved...talk to someone else. there's an old saying...faint heart never won fair maiden.
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Post by Cheesum on Aug 19, 2007 3:26:19 GMT -5
What Sweet Pea said... and please meet other people. Being socially/emotionally dependent on one person is dangerous for your mental health and can be draining for the other party.
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konnor
Junior Member
Posts: 90
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Post by konnor on Aug 19, 2007 5:37:27 GMT -5
What Sweet Pea said... and please meet other people. Being socially/emotionally dependent on one person is dangerous for your mental health and can be draining for the other party. And thats what I'm dreading. I have very real friends to turn to. I certainly am suffering from the extreme high of meeting a great girl as my first girlfriend and thinking it will solve all my problems, to the complete low i feel now of loosing her for no reason except my mixed up emotions. I guess I could be learning I have committment issues, or it could be fear of being alone again. Unfortunately this is going to turn round and bite me in the arse as even though we are no longer together, she was great, and helped deal with my shyness. |
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Post by MrNice on Aug 19, 2007 7:55:07 GMT -5
here is something that might be of interest - even though you didn't provide that many details, it doesn't sound like she was seriously into you. If all it took was one exchange like this for her to dump you. Don't blame your last actions and feelings of uncertainty for a 'sudden' breakup. And you were probably uncertain for a reason too - even though right now it doesn't feel that way, and I am sure you are getting the 'she was the one and I missed her' feelings, but your attraction to her might also have been shallow - and as soon as you started getting comfortable with yourself you started looking in other directions.
I don't know on what terms you are with her right now, but in these situations I find it best to try and completely give up on this particular person. Just keep trying to convince yourself that she wasn't the one for you, think of her flaws and such, and keep going back to those feelings of trying to find someone else. This should help you. Later on when you are free from this you can still reflect on this as a happy time, but for now I think its better not to think about 'how great' things were.
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konnor
Junior Member
Posts: 90
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Post by konnor on Aug 19, 2007 10:37:17 GMT -5
here is something that might be of interest - even though you didn't provide that many details, it doesn't sound like she was seriously into you. If all it took was one exchange like this for her to dump you. Don't blame your last actions and feelings of uncertainty for a 'sudden' breakup. And you were probably uncertain for a reason too - even though right now it doesn't feel that way, and I am sure you are getting the 'she was the one and I missed her' feelings, but your attraction to her might also have been shallow - and as soon as you started getting comfortable with yourself you started looking in other directions. I don't know on what terms you are with her right now, but in these situations I find it best to try and completely give up on this particular person. Just keep trying to convince yourself that she wasn't the one for you, think of her flaws and such, and keep going back to those feelings of trying to find someone else. This should help you. Later on when you are free from this you can still reflect on this as a happy time, but for now I think its better not to think about 'how great' things were. She was seriously into me. Probably so much so that I was always really worried that i didn't feel exactly the same back (well i was for about 2 months during the 'honeymoon' period but after that). The break came about when I mentioned to her I was doubting the relationship (first mistake...). I said I needed some time to think on it. Naturally she was really upset during this period of 'time' and didn't know where she stood in our relationship. In the end she got tired of waiting and ended it on the simple fact if 'I wasn't confident she was the one, what really is the point'. You may think I'm just being stubborn, and I could be, but its hard to find any flaws with her. She is completely comfortable with my shyness, despite being very confident herself, very loving toward me, hot, and extremely driven in her career. I really thought she was the one. I'm still confused about my feelings 5 days on. I lost a great girl for no apparent reason. I haven't been looking at other girls. The closest I can get to decoding my feelings is that she was really into me all of the time, and this was mutual for the first few months. I then started to get worried (bought me to tears) that i didn't feel the same way back. The sticking point is that I can't understand why i didnt feel the same way. Guess it just wasn't meant to be. |
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Post by phoenixferret on Aug 19, 2007 11:40:03 GMT -5
It sounds like you just didn't love her, and you're only feeling remorseful now that you can't have her anymore. If you got back together, things would probably turn out exactly the same way.
Not every person can be in love with every other person in spite of how much they may like and admire the other. You didn't love this girl, and that's a shame for you both. But she deserves someone who really and deeply loves her the way she loves him, and you need to only be with someone with whom the love is mutual.
There are a couple other possibilities to consider, also. First, as SweetPea mentioned, that you're not at a point in life where you can commit to an exclusive relationship for more than those first couple of months. Some never reach that point, and that's not necessarily a problem unless you're leading partners to believe that things could end in marriage and/or a long-term, loving partnership when in fact you know they will not. If your partner is in love with you and thinking long-term and you are neither in love nor able to confidently envision a future with them, the noble thing to do is to end things, as the girl ended up doing for you in this case. The second possibility is that you're either unsure about what being in love should mean, or un-confident in your ability to know love. That's something that may come only with more experience.
But I think the greatest likelihood is that you just didn't love the girl. You used the word "comforting" to describe your relationship in the first post, and I think that's a big part of this. It's very exciting when someone cares for you for the first time, and sometimes it's easy to confuse that elation with feelings of love, until you get a chance to take a step back.
You enjoyed her company, and you enjoyed things about her, but that can be true for a friend, too. As LSB pointed out, if you were having a lot of doubts, it was probably for a reason--and not necessarily something blatant. Maybe you just didn't click. At some level, you just weren't right for each other at this point in time, and she knows she can't waste her life waiting for you to decide whether you'll be right together at some future date, when and if you decide you want to be with one woman. Think of it this way: she wouldn't be worthy of your respect or her own if she did wait around at your leisure. It's a lot like in that "An Article..." thread that Pnats posted, only in this case, the girl made the right decision on her own.
Now you need to make the right decision for yourself and follow SP and Lsdima's advice by moving on as quickly as you can and, most importantly, looking to other girls. It's probably going to take some time, seeing as she was your first girlfriend, but eventually you'll be glad you let go of a relationship that wasn't fulfilling for you, and glad that you spared this girl more heartache by waiting until you were "sure" you didn't want to be together.
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Post by Bodhi on Aug 19, 2007 12:30:42 GMT -5
I don't know the whole story of course, only what you've posted, but maybe since its your first relationship, you expected too much. You wanted that feeling of elation you had the first few months to continue forever and that's impossible, in any relationship. It's just natural that after awhile you get a little bit used to a person and that intense feelings you intially have fade a little bit. I think you took that for meaning you really didn't like her, but it might be that way with every girl you're ever going to go out with. It would be impossible for those intense feelings to last forever and they must fade at some point.
I actually kind of disagree with some of the other posts and think you should try to get her back. I think a few months from now, if you don't find anyone else, you will really regret breaking up with her. You said she had no faults you could see. If she had a major fault that really made you think you two were not right for each other I could see not being with her. But if the only reason you don't want to be with her is the feelings aren't that intense emotion you intially had, I wouldn't use that as a reason to break up.
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konnor
Junior Member
Posts: 90
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Post by konnor on Aug 19, 2007 12:33:51 GMT -5
I'm torn between both Phoenix and Bodhi's responses. They both seem right on the money.
Yes it will take alot of time. Especially because it seemed this girl was so high caliber, that I can't yet see what more I need to be fulfilled in a relationship. I kinda hoped this one would work out in the long term but I've been kidding myself. I think she made the right decision for me as my doubts where bringing me to tears and days of turmoil.
However, it makes me cringe to think of her with another guy. I really hurts me to know she is upset. Does this really point to me not loving her?
Can it be both ways?!
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Post by phoenixferret on Aug 19, 2007 19:00:25 GMT -5
I actually kind of disagree with some of the other posts and think you should try to get her back. I think a few months from now, if you don't find anyone else, you will really regret breaking up with her. That's really a terrible, selfish reason to be with someone, just because if you don't find someone else right away you'll regret not having a relationship!  It's immature and unfair to the other person. If you're with someone, you need to be with them because you each honestly want to be with that person--not because otherwise you'll regret being alone. That's just setting up your relationship to crumble as soon as you start taking the comforts for granted and begin wondering what life might have been like if you'd waited for "the one" instead of settling. And I really think the settled-for partner can generally tell if you're not that into them, so it's not like you're doing them any favors, either. I think she made the right decision for me as my doubts where bringing me to tears and days of turmoil. However, it makes me cringe to think of her with another guy. I really hurts me to know she is upset. Does this really point to me not loving her? Can it be both ways?! Believe it or not, tears, jealousy, and "days of turmoil" don't equate to love. It isn't about ticking off boxes, and it's not about weighing the evidence. Do you sit down and think, "hmm, am I sad today? I got a paper cut, but on the other hand, I bought a new puppy..." At a basic level, you basically feel what you feel, sensible or not. You aren't going to fall in love with every attractive, sweet, wonderful girl that you meet--something to keep in mind. And maybe it has to do with the color shirt she was wearing the day you met, or the weather, or the interaction of minute particles in the air, but you're going to love some girls and not others. This girl can be absolutely one hundred percent perfect in every way you could ever conceive of, and you could still not love her. That's just the way things go sometimes. The fact that this is your first relationship tells me that you're probably clinging to the idea of this relationship because it's the only thing so far that's allowed you the kind of intimacy and interaction that you've gotten out of it. Once you've dated other women and hopefully fallen for at least one of them, I think you'll realize the difference between love and like, and you'll be glad you made the decision to step out of this marriage-bound relationship. |
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Post by MrNice on Aug 19, 2007 20:00:18 GMT -5
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Post by MrNice on Aug 19, 2007 20:25:18 GMT -5
and the next time you feel comfortable just give yourself a paper cut to keep things in perspective
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Post by Sweet Pea on Aug 19, 2007 21:56:40 GMT -5
i don't get what perfection or flaws has to do with whether you're really in love or not. imperfections and 'flaws' can be quite endearing. you either love someone or ya don't. and if ya do, you won't need anyone to tell you that you do...you'll know.
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It's immature and unfair to the other person. If you're with someone, you need to be with them because you each honestly want to be with that person--not because otherwise you'll regret being alone.